Hi Cancergirl. I am reading your posts and trying to figure out how to respond... I really want to try and help you feel better! My situation is different. My H has had one PA, possibly 2. The one from a few years ago I think was just EA but not sure. But as soon as I found out, which was within a few days of him spending time with this person, it stopped. The PA he had last fall I just found out about a month or so ago so it was well done and over with by the time I found out. Now, what I can relate to that you say, and others on the board have also said, is the "revenge affair". Let me explain. (bear with me here, I tend to long winded! I am a talker and believe me, it makes it hard because my H is not at all! Not even in general LOL)
Back in 2001, the fall, was the first time I asked my H to leave for a while so I could sort things out in my head. During this time, that he was gone, and maybe before, I was having what I now realize after being on thie site, a full blown EA. Never got to be PA but it was darn close. H found out by getting on my email but I had told him I was friends with someone and that I knew it was a small town and I wanted him to hear it from me first, but he had already read my emails. He was so hurt, I could see it. But at that time I was so angry at him and feeling nothing towards him for all the previous years of marriage I was not getting what I now know are EN's met I didn't care how he felt. He believed for a very long time I had had a PA. Even though I swore I did not.
H came home in Feb 2002 but it was too soon. Neither one of us had changed at all and I think I was still attached to my EA guy. So in May H left again, but not happily this time. My H knows how to hurt me to the bone. To have sex with another person. More than I can bare. He had never done it before. But when he left that second time he was so angry and hurt he had a one night stand. He later told me it was specifically done to hurt me. He said some very hurtful things to me that year. Told me he thought it would bother him to have sex with someone other than me but that it didn't bother him at all. (I know that is a lie).And my H knows that that devastated me. So he got the effect he wanted. So, I can relate to the pain your H felt at your A and that he is rubbing your nose right in it by being this person he is being now. When someone is in pain they are capable of almost anything.
I will be honset here, my H has never been the same since that summer of our second separation. He held a lot of anger and resentment towards me that 3 years later I do not know if he is completely over yet. My H came home to live the fall after that summer only becasue my company closed and we didn't want to lose our house since my income would be less than half of what it was getting unemployment. He may have gotten home eventually but not that soon.
My H will not do MC. We have tried but once it gets too hard for him (usually when they delve into childhood stuff) he won't go back. So that is a dead end for us. Is your H willing to try MC?
As far as the 2 A's my H has had since he came home 3 years ago.... I do not know why. Part of the reason I think is anger at me. Until I found this site, we have gone back and forth the past few years with separating, and whenever I start talking separation he goes and finds someone to be with it seems, I assume to hurt me. The one last fall, I do not know why. Sexual needs maybe? Years of unmet EN's? I do not know. It wasn't exactly a relationship, just sex. I do not believe my H wants a relationship from someone.
So, as far as your situation goes.... I will be honest and say I do not think I could live with someone who was in the throws of an A. I guess though that part of plan A can be just that. I have not knowingly done that. I didn't know when my H was doing it. I feel for you there. But I do believe in trying to save a marriage.
Is your H willing to talk at all without it being an argument? I have had to humble myself completely and swallow my pride. I am not saying beg or look needy. Big no no. But, I have acknowledged to my H that I now realize I have never met any of his EN's and did ask him what exactly his EN's were and which ones he felt I was neglecting. I have then begun to start meeting them asap. I have found in meeting his EN's it is helping me to become a better less selfish person.
Take a good long look at yourself too. What kind of a person do you really want to be? Read everything here and decide and than start working on it. I have always known the kind of person I wanted to be but never felt motivated enough or out of my "funk" enough to be that person. My H's PA last fall was the 2x4 to the head I needed to start being that person! Rude wake up call but it worked. I am now in full swing of working towards exactly who I want to be right down to going back to college this fall and what I am majoring in!
You can get through this. It is more painful than anything ever I think. But, take it a day at a time. Your H is very hurt and angry about your A and has bottled it up until he blew. And now he is blowing. Make your changes, meet his needs, actions baby, actions. Get him to talk when you can and read read read. Get him to go to MC if you can. I think the best way I have seen it put is to make your home and yourself inviting to your H. Make it a place he wants to be.
I do not know if I helped or just typed a lot! LOL I really want to help you get through this right now. Keep posting, keep busy, get out and do stuff. Do not just sit around. Don't look needy to your H. Show him you can make it, don't let him think you are just sitting around crying and pining for him. That's what he wants. Live your life and work the plans and see what happens. We are here for you! hugs, mlhb
