WH began an affair with his brother's widow at our wedding. I found out shortly before our first anniversary, and moved out for some space. We went to counseling and he agreed to leave OW alone. I told him that we could not repair a marriage with OW in it and he promised. I also don't like the fact that he seems to be using her, and doesn't seem to care that her hanging on to him is bad for her. She has transferred her feelings for her late husband to the brother-in-law who reminds her so much of the man she lost. He doesn't seem to even care about her enough to let her finish grieving and heal. During our separation he carried on internet affairs with other women as well. I finally decided to give up and filed for divorce, and he got serious about us. So, after 8 months apart, I moved back in. For several months there, he acted like a husband, but now that crisis is over, he is back to ignoring me again.

I had not seen anymore emails, but the other day I looked in a hidden folder in his work email, and she had sent him an email a few days before. She mentioned getting his messages but couldn't call him back. (I went looking because I had a feeling something was wrong.)

I can't get WH to give me his attention. When he gets home all he wants to do is watch TV and ignore me. He hasn't wanted sex since we married. He doesn't seem to need me, and I think it is because he is getting his emotional needs from OW.


I guess what I am trying to figure out is this: am I fighting for my marriage, or am I an idiot hanging on to a losing proposition? It does not help that I have a good friend who is single, gorgeous, makes great money, is funny and caring and has told WH he will be waiting if we ever split!

When is the point to give up and walk away? How do I know when to hold on or call it quits? I should also mention that I work and go to school, and I don't have much patience left. I flunked the last 2 semesters with his crap, and I am done with that. I am about to the point of just not caring anymore what he does, I am just going on with my life, get my degree and if I meet someone...sayonara to him.

I would like advice from those who have been there. Do I work on this? Is there a way to get him to leave OW alone?

Thanks for any help you can give.

Wow! It seems like our stories are very similar. I'm sorry I cannot give good advice because I am just now at the point of being ready to file. Try reading some of the articles here or some of the other threads.

How old are the two of you? Do you have kids? Up until this past may I worked full time while going to school and my husband decided to wander with OW and is also meeting people online. In my case I've recently decided that I need to move on because the last 4 months have shown no improvement.

Dear Tired, So sorry about your situation. I would say read as much as you can. Start with Love Busters and then His Needs/Her Needs. Read The Myth of the Greener Grass. Read the articles on this site. Find some success stories on the boards about seemingly hopeless marriages that worked out well.

Try applying the principles you learn.

Meanwhile pray!

And above all: reread your words quoted above. Anyone here will tell you DO NOT find an OM to replace your husband. That will only lead to heartache for all. You don't belong with another man unless you first decide to divorce and spend enough time healing and becoming the best you can be.

I hope this is helpful.

tiredofbs, you probably won't like to hear what I have to say, but if I were you, I would run for my life. You won't fix this problem with Marriage Builders principles, because this is a character issue. MB is not equipped to change one's personality. See, your H is doing all this NOT because of needs that weren't met in his marriage, but because this is how he is. This is NOT an aberration of character for him. This is his character.

Now, I am not saying he can't change. But, you can't change him. He must WANT to change and he must be willing to go through intensive counseling to resolve the problem. That will take years and even then, the outcome is iffy.

In the meantime, can you imagine going through this with 3 little kids under age 5 and no job? You have a glimpse of what your future is likely to be, tired, and I hope you utilitize this gift from God and run for your life. Get out while the getting is good. Because I suspect if you don't, that this is just a mere taste of what your life will be like for the next 25 years. Run for your life, dear, and thank God you were given this chance to get out before the stakes got higher!

I second everything MelodyLane said....I spent 25 years in a similar situation with my ex....I wish I could live those years over.....what a waste.

Character flaws don't repair themselves...Pat

if he wont break up with her...the answer is simple...you break up with THEM. let them have each other and start healing you!

Tired -

Here's one more voice in the chorus. My XH started out being wonderful. That gradually went downhill over our 10+ year marriage. You saying he ignores you, etc. particularly strikes a note with me. It eventually got to the point where he barely said 10 words to me at night when we got home. He was always either on the computer or in front of the tv. Most times, he acted like I didn't even exist, even when I was talking right to him.

This is emotional abuse, plain and simple.

And I eventually found out he had been cheating on me for at least the last 3 or 4 years of our marriage. I honestly believe, from some of the things I found, that the cheating was taking place through our entire marriage.

How do I feel now? I feel like he wasted 10 years of my life. I feel as if he tricked me into marriage. He was wonderful to me when we first started going out and into the first year of our marriage. After that, he got more and more distant, selfish, and in a lot of ways, cruel. By the time we divorced, it was like I was divorcing a total stranger, because he was not in any way the man I thought I had married.

What you've said about him makes me think you are dealing with something very similar. You have a serial cheater who has been cheating since your wedding day. And dealing with a serial cheater is much harder than fixing a regular affair. Most affairs come about partly due to problems in the marriage. That's generally not the case with serial cheaters; it has to do with their own problems and issues. Plus, how could there have been any problems in the marriage - he cheated on your wedding day!

On top of that, you are dealing with emotional abuse.

These problems aren't something the two of you can fix together. He would have to fix them - and that's assuming he even wants to. It sounds like he doesn't. Don't waste any more time on him. I'm so glad my XH and I never had kids - just imagine dealing with this man and having kids. Imagine what it would do to your kids to have a father who acts this way, and for them to see their father treat their mother this way. But I wasted 10 years on this man - I'm now at the point of reconciling myself to the fact that I will probably never have kids. I'm 38, and because of what I've been through, I'd have to be very cautious and take it very slow getting into a new relationship. And it isn't always as easy for me to find guys to go out with. It's highly unlikely all the right factors will be in place in time for me to have kids - and even if I did get lucky and find someone in time, we would be talking rather high risk pregnancy.

Don't do that to yourself. I can't tell you how many times I've said I wish I'd never met my XH. What I wouldn't give to have those 10 years of my life back. Get out now and get yourself emotionally healthy, and don't waste any more time on someone like this.

Good advice on the OM part. I really don't want anyone in my life for a while. It's just that someone else so eligible who thinks so much of me is sort of a reassurance right now. And my friend does not want to be the OM, and I am not the type. What he does want is me, if WH and I call it quits. But he wants a real relationship with me.

Believe me, I do pray a lot. It helps a great deal.

I am also getting to the point that I find myself thinking I have a lot on my plate and I am too busy for this crap. I have a great part time job with great benefits, in a major worldwide company, working in a department that is directly related to my major. I have a great career ahead of me as soon as I finish my degree, and I only need about 3 semesters. I don't have the time anymore for some overgrown baby who can't commit to one person.

I think this is the letting go stage....

I have been thinking exactly what you just put down. I have read all the plan a's and the LB principles, and a lot of other sites, and this is what I think: he is a user. He uses people to fulfill his needs and wants, and doesn't care what he does to them. I don't think all the methods in the world are going to help. After all, they are designed for couples who really want to put it all back together- and that takes both.

We have been married less than 2 years. No kids, no property. Although his kids will be heartbroken but they will live. I can support myself and that is what I think I will do. Any day now the lawyer should be calling me to set up a date when I go to the courthouse and finalize the D. I am actually looking forward to it. And I don't think I am going to even try to rebuild afterward. I don't know why he is so self destructive and I don't care anymore.

And here is the great part: I talked to his nephew today, which I haven't done in several years. The family is not real close. I told him what had been going on because I felt like he and his brothers deserved to know what his stepmother and uncle were up to. You see, I thought the OW was being used, and WH was keeping her from moving on. But she has a man living with her. She managed to break up a marriage between a couple who have been friends with her for almost 30 years, and the husband is living with her. And she is still hanging on to the affair with my WH!

I'm changing my username to "living in a soap opera!"

I keep seeing the same thing you do- he gets sneakier but no genuine improvement. No, we don't have kids. He is 45 and I am 37. I am thinking I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering what he is doing and who he is doing it with.

I agree completely. You can fix a marriage, but not a character flaw in the partner. I watched my mother put up with Dad running around on her for 12 years and I am just not going to go down that road. I told WH one day in counseling that I don't have to put up with it, I can support myself, and I have the looks and personality to move on if I desire. I don't think he really understands that.

My thoughts exactly! I am going on to counseling by myself. I guess I hung on for a while trying to make sure I had done everything I should have done in the marriage. But I am getting to be certain that I have.

I would like to thank everyone who replied to me. Thank you for taking the time to care. You all gave me some clear insight.

You sound like you went through what I did. I think he ignores me because he is getting what he needs emotionally from someone else. So he doesn't need me when he gets home. That is the natural order of a marriage- you meet each other's ENs. But he has never given me that chance. And that is the user mentality. He avoids real commitment and real intimacy.

I think back to the time around our wedding. I was reading a book on marriage from my church, contemplating the holiness of a promise made to him and God. He was starting an affair. I think that says it all.

And now, knowing what I have found out about OW, I am laughing my head off. It's just great...the user is getting used! I shake my head also because I can't believe he is giving up what he could have with me for some woman who only knows how to manipulate and use men. At some point in their affair she got her best friend's H of 30 years to move in with her. And I don't think my WH knows this....I haven't laughed this much in a long time. : )

I only read your first post...RUN! this is no way to start your life together...for a man to go after his brothers widow says a lot about his character...Beleive me you do not want to stay married to this man and then have his children and be stuck to him...You are young (I assume) and have your whole life...shoot, I am young and have my whole life...only I have my three boys as well <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Go find someone who values YOU, who respects YOU...and read, read, read this board...