Well, I went in to Plan B at the beginning of June. Sigh. ANd I have been pretty good about it. I had to contact the Dork a number of times because of DD and visits. Well, it was almost impossible to contact him. He refused to answer my messages. ANd he doesn't read his emails. I tried calling him at work, but the number just rang and rang.

In the month since I told him not to ccontact me, except about DD, he has not called and emailed once. In that email, he said he was coming to a parade our DD was in on July 1st for Canada Day. He also said he was going to go find her at the end of the parade and ask her if she wanted to have lunch with him.

WTH? He knows that DD will refuse to see him.Especially without me. So, my assumption is that he just wants to look like the good guy who travelled soooo far to see his DD and the biotch of a wife has brainwashed DD to hate him. I am so sure that this is his story to the new ditchpig.

Oh yes, there is another one. Of course, he doesn't see that as he is single, right? Anyway, I had called the house of my ex-friend and I was finally told that even though he pays his rent, he hasn't been there in "forever". So, obviously he has moved in with the new ditchpig.

Sourmale, OT, that is the name I gave you! LOL! Don't give me grief, please. I get it. I always have gotten it. It is far more complicated when there are children involved. I must think of the long term consequences to her well-being. If there were no children, why would I put myself through this he!!?

When he announced his plan via email, I immediately sent an email back asking how he was planning on getting here and where did he plan to stay. For those of you that aren't familiart with my sitch, I live in a semi-rural area and there is no bus service from the ferry to where the parade took place.

WHen I thought about some of the [email]cr@p[/email] he has pulled I had a sneaking suspicion that he would come with his newest ditchpig and then spring her on DD as well. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

So, another email saying somthing to the effect that I knew that he would not be so cruel as to bring OW to the parade. Of course,no response.

DD sent him an email as well asking him if he was coming and that he had better not bring OW, and told him to stop being a liar and be her father again.

NO response to his own daughter. So, I called his old residence again. Left another message. Sigh. I hated all the calling but I just cannot let the Dork hurt DD any more than he has with his insensitivity and lack of caring.

Well, I finally got in touch on Thursday morning. He couldn't talk as he was at work but he said he would call me after. He never did.

Cont'd in the next post.....

So, at 6:30 pm I sent an email to my lawyer's office. I needed to get some documentation trail happening for what I knew I needed to do next. Here is the email I sent:



Next morning I took DD to the school where her band was meeting. Then when I went to get coffee, I checked my cell. A message from the Dork that he had arrived and that he would be at the parade and that he would find me to find out what had changed about the arrangements.

I forgot to say that when I called him THursday, the reason I had called him was that months ago the parade was to end at a park where there was a fair happening. But, the school had decided it would be best if the kids got straight on a bus and then parents were to pick them up at the school. SO, Dork would have come to the parade and not been able to see DD.

The number was his enabling mother. At this point I was geting frantic. THis was DD's day and I did not want Dork to spoil it either by just walking up to her or by walking up to her with a new ditchpig. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

He called me and said he would find me and asked what the new arrangements were. I told him where we were. HE came over and I told him about the bus, etc. But, I offered to let him come by the house after 3 to have a visit. And also that we had to talk about some financial stuff. Or that he could come on Saturday as I had the day off. He said he would be there after 3 and that Saturday might work but he had to ask his mommy as he was staying with her. He scurried away. Which made me know in my heart of hearts he did have the ditchpig with him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

So me, my DS, my eldest daughter and their significant others, and my best friend watched the parade and then went home for a BBQ and they left. THen I had to prepare DD for Dork's visit. She was not happy but accepted he would be there.

HE didn't show. At 6, I called enabling MIL only to find out that he had left at 2:00pm. And that Dork had left a message on DD's cell (that she rarely uses)

He left a message on DD cell saying he loved her but that he had to go back as he was with a "friend". Damn it doesn't take rocket science to figure out that it was a new skank.

So, he never saw his daughter. Other than to see her walk by. By choice. How evil is that?

I called my ex-friend who he used to live with. He is still paying rent but never there. UH DUH!

She said she has no idea what he is up to. He reneges on all of his commitments. Even to dragon boating. He brought a skank over a while back and my ex-friend says she "wasn't impressed". She said she has tried so often to get Dork to see how wrong he is. No dice.

She said she would try again to get through to him because this behaviour is so hateful to DD. I told her I had no clue what to do. I have tried everything. But DD is paying dearly for Dork's abandonment of her.

Plan B? HA! No chance of that having any success. Because he is not there. And he is happy about it.

I wish I didn't have to deal with him at all. But our finances are intermingled and there is DD. I am so torn up by his actions.

I decided that I was not been dark enough. My best friend and my eldest daughter between the two of them finally forced me to accept what everyone has said all along. I can't change Dork. I have to protect me and DD. Not him. So, after yesterday's fiasco, I took some steps to seal that fate for him and for us. I am making the assumption that this will be permanent. I did a few things that make it impossible for me to back out of my Plan B unless we go to court. And that I would welcome.

My friend also pointed out that she believes that Dork really does love DD. But that he is doing this to push my buttons and to hurt me. And yes, I have to say that sounds about right. Sigh. Makes no sense but I can't argue with a crazy person. She also said that whatever I ask, request, demand, Dork will do the exact opposite just to hurt me and to be the one in control. It is so sick but it feels like the truth to me.

I wrote a letter to the old enabling MIL. It was to tell her that as much as I have tried, DD will not call her. And I told her why. Because of what DD overheard at Christmas.

Then I wrote a 3 page letter to Dork's lawyer. Now please don't think that this was not a good move on my part. I weighed the odds and I am gambling on this.

Dork's lawyer is also a divorce mediator. He also refuses to go to court. And I would be happy to go to court. So, Dork would have to get another lawyer. More money, more delay, more time, etc. All part of the big plan. I intend to drag out this separation and any possible divorce as long as I can. And, according to my lawyer, it can take over 5 years! So I have plenty of time to do what needs to be done.

The reason I contacted the lawyer is because Dork in a previous conversation said that he can't talk to me and that I should go through his lawyer.

So, I am giving him exactly what he says he wanted. HA! Of course my faxing costs me nothing. But it will cost Dork 200 dollars. Each time. Every time. Gee, that was well thought out wasn't it? NOT!

In the letter I told him that I would prefer that he act in the role of mediator rather than Dork's lawyer. I explained that Dork has refused to visit DD and brought the latest ditchpig with him to the parade. That he did not see his daughter for a visit. That since January he has seen DD no more than 5 times.

The he refuses to return me calls and that he refuses to read my emails. Now these emails are strictly about plans for visits, updates on DD so that he can have things to talk to her aobut, etc. I counted. 223 form me to the Dork since January. 5 from him to me. That he refuses to call or email her. A total of 5 emails to DD. # message on her cell. No calls where they actually spoke. Etc. And, since I cannot contact Dork as he has moved in with someone, would he please pass Dork the message that there will be no more contact with me. Or with DD.

And then I made a list of my demands. Oh yes they are demands. But frankly I don't give a damn what he thinks of them. They are what I need to feel safe and secure enough for me to allow any access to DD or myself. No negotiating on this. I am a rock. Immovable.

1. Future visits to resume must be set up in advance and must be approved and confirmed by me.
2. Number 1 can only take place after counselling for Dork and that he must provide proof of said counselling
3. Regular emails to DD
4. Tuition cheques be forthcoming
5. Summer camp monies be settled.

I then sent a letter to a few people so that they can pass along a message that Dork NOT contact me. That he needs to go to his lawyer as I have faxed some information to him.

So, it is a plan. Of course, as I have no control over Dork, he could very well let things stand this way. Or, he will do just the opposite and call. Only time will tell. What a sick ****.

Now we will see. Likely he will remain silent for a long time, if not forever.

But then that means that he is not capable of loving his daughter at all. So why would we want him here? Hurts like he!! but I have to do this. I cannot flip and twist in pain every time he betrays us. I will not allow that any more.

But rest assured, I have not given up. And I have a few plans further down the road. I am not afraid to take this public and back to the military if I have to. If I go that route, it will get Dork's azz fired this time. So that is a last resort. But I am not a person to be raked over the coals repeatedly without payback. As Noodle used to say “never protect someone from the consequences of their action”

I know that is not MB in the least. But if he doesn't wake the he!! up, everything we built together will be destroyed. Scorched earth will be my goal. I will be the last man standing. I swear that. And that includes his career. His reputation and everything and anything else that I can come up with. I believe I should have done this months ago. But I was not strong enough to battle the entire military. But, I am now. And I will get justice and my day in court.

So there! I am back to FA-A with a vengeance. Well, I always was. But I am more in the protect me and mine and Dork can eff off. I won't deal with a whack job.

Yes, it is just slightly vindictive. UH DUH! But not that much. I am really sick and tired of there being no consequences for the DOrk. HE wriggled out of the military investigation. THough he finally admitted that I was right aobut everything. THe time line, etc. He lied to the military and so did Ditchpig! He laughed at me. Because he said there was no way for me to prove it. And he is right. His enabling shipmates will back up any of his stories. And since the military protects their own instead of their families, well, it is a dead issue.

So 2X4s or suggest other strategies that I can use. Both welcome.

Hi FA-A,

Why in the world would you want to draw this process out as long as possible? What is the purpose it serves?

Why do you say your DD is fragile? She seems to know the score and has made a more firm decision than you. Sounds more like you are the fragile one here.

Get rid of all that anger. DD can see what a good woman looks like, because you are. But she won't see it through all that anger.

It IS nice to see you here again.

NCW

NCW, Hi! Well, I guess to the very stupid depths of me, I still have a glimmer of hope that Dork will wake the he!! up. He was such a good man for a time. And now? I don't recognize him. But, I am not sure which one is the man he really is. Is this just an aberration? Or is this permanent? Probably the latter.

Another reason? One of the things that Dork kept telling me was how much more money he will have once he is free of me. You know he has always said I spent all the money. UH DUH! I paid all the bills. Dork. I even said I could show him receipts for EVERYTHING. He refused to look at our finances. He NEEDS to think I am the cause of his choices. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> [censored]. As if I ever told him to go commit adultery instead of working on his family. He has all these grandiose plans for all that extra money. And you know what? I am stubborn and determined enough to make sure that he is as poor or poorer that he is now. Plus, it ticks me right off that the money he could be spending on his DD is going to his adultery. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Or even for counselling. You know, things that might actually help all of us. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I don't know. I figure that I am not in a hurry to get divorced. Why should I? I am not involved. I see no upside to divorcing him. If I find that I am so over him or if I decide to get involved, I can get a divorce in 3 months because of the adultery. So, if he really wants it that bad, he will have to do it all. And that takes money.

I refuse to help him run away from his fmaily or his responsibilities. ANd since he says I am "controlling". Here is the perfect opportunity to take charge. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

NCW, Actually, I am NOT getting rid of the anger. I am channeling it. I am trying to do a LOT of things all at the same time. First and foremost, I am protecting my DD from this insanity. This rollercoaster of is he coming, will he show up, etc is not healthy.

Secondly, there is definitely more exposure coming. But that will take a while for me to get all the facts. And I also am working on a different tactic to expose this current PA.

I say she is fragile because I know she cries at night sometimes. And that she is burying her feelings. Unfortunately that is what the Dork has done his entire life and look where it has gotten him and all who are close to him. So, I am watching her actions and reactions. And I am letting her know that what DOrk is doing is NOT good or acceptable. And that there are consequences to any chioces. Good and bad.

LOL, FAA, trust me girl, you do NOT want to hear what I have to say on this. If you want validation for continuing this path you have chosen, you aint gonna get it from ye old sourmale. For the record, I know FOR A FACT, you don't "get it". Anyone who "gets it" would still not be living the complete and utter insanity you are living trying in your own way to MAKE your chronically cheating Wayward own up to his responsibilities. Your Wayward is WHO HE IS. Ya, I know all about the alien B$ and the dopamine receptors and other "addiciton" neurotransmitters that everyone loves to indict, but I think your Wayward has certainly "walked the walk" on this one. I fear you are using your daughter's own supposed "needs" for your own. I fail to see where your cheating wayward has done anything to resemble being a father to your daughter. Yet, BE HONEST, you still have this "image" of him and who you want him to be. You aint gonna change the piece of ***, sorry. Yes, you say you know that....BUT DO YOU REALLY?

Please RE-READ your posts of the past 6 months. NOTHING HAS CHANGED...HELLO ??????

It is NOT just a river in Egypt ya know.

OK, I still love ya, and I know you are posting looking for strategies to win the Wayward back, so I will bugger off and not be doling out any more 2 X 4's. You have so mcuh enthusiasm and energy...and it is so sad for me to watch you spend it all on this man. Just think of the relationship and life you could have if you were with someone who actually gave a F*&^. I said already more than I wanted to.

Good luck woman, I think you really need it bad.


Your friend,

Sour... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

edited twice because I just can't help myself here.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> THat's for you, Lemon man. I love ya. Sssh before someone says that is inappropriate. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

I am not looking for strategies to win him back. I am looking for the impossible. I am looking for rhyme and reason. Whatever that missing link is.

I am looking for justice. Because I sure haven't received that!. And no, I don't think I will get that.

And no, I am not using DD's supposed needs as my own. I have a very clear picture of what DD needs, really needs. And what she SAYS she needs. Two different things completely. And that is me being Mom. Plus she did speak to a counsellor and to her teachers and in class. Both about her wishes and her pain. And she prays for her father every day. And her classmates pray for all of us. Every day.

And yes, I WISH I could MAKE the Dork responsible, own up to his screwed up ways. Whatever. But I do get it. I get that this is my fantasy. I get that this is not what is really happening. I get that I will NEVER get what I want. I get it. I get it. I get it!

This is me dragging my reluctant and stubborn azz towards the end of the M. This is the death throes. This is me excising the wounds around where my heart was. This is me burning away away the lies.This is me WISHING that things weren't so. But darnit. I am entitled to kick and scream and rage and whatever else it takes to get this out of my system. I am NOT doing the same things I did at first. I am learning. But I have 16 years invested in this marriage. I have a child that I worry about.

These are the questions I ask my self every day.:What lessons is she learning? I worry every day about am I being too willing to work on things. Am I being a doormat? Am I showing her how to be strong. AM I showing her the difference between right and wrong? And I TALK really TALK to her. And more importantly I LISTEN to her. ANd I encourage her to question both my motives and my actions. And you know what? I am PROUD of what I have done. DD is PROUD of me. And what I have tried to do. I have made mistakes. Some real doozies. But I tell her if it is appropriate of course she is only 13. DUH! But I also talk about what might have been a better way to handle that sitch, etc. (That is why I like your responses. I might not like 'em but they clarify things. And they make me look over my thinking. All positive things. IMVHO)

And SourMale, I check with my IC. I always tell him what I have done, etc. We talk it out.

And another thing. LM, I am defintely NOT sitting around the house pining for the Dork. I am dating. Have been for a while. Nothing serious. I am not stupid. I have fantastic friends who include me in their activities. I have turned down more dates than I can shake a stick at. And most I say no to. And they do appreciate me for me. But I am also up front and say no serious stuff, I am separated and not ready to get serious.

So, I am rebuilding my life. I have a job I love. I have family and friends that love me. But somehow, I feel I failed my marriage. And maybe that is the bottom line. I hate to lose. And I failed to see the danger signs. I failed to take action when I could have. Basically I lost my H.

I DO NOT think that his actions are my fault. THey are his choices. It is more that I feel like I failed to protect my DD. Does that make sense?

LM, please yell at me whenever you like. I can take it.

Dork is the typical WS ***. I know that. You are right, I still have a fantasy of him. BUT I KNOW IT IS A FANTASY And it is Mine alone.

FAA:

I LOVE YOUR PASSION...I *** LOVE IT. You rock. I truthfully have NO ADVICE for you here , because at times I don't know *** myself. But.......I still love your fight, even if I am not even quite sure what in the hell you are fighting for.

When I think about you, this is what I envision: http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org/DontEverGiveUP.html

Your friend,

Sour....

I agree with Lemonman. You are such a strong, smart woman and your daughter has a fantastic role model to look up to. TT

Hey! It's been awhile eh?

Yep, you definitely still have A LOT of energy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I too do not wish to see you waste all of it on the shell that once was your H, but you do what you've got to do.

I do think that if you spend this much energy in a positive way, on your next relationship, that will be a very lucky man indeed!

Hi, TTSi. It has been too long. But, I am so trying to burn this love and this pathetic feeling of failure out of me. I don't know any other way. I cna't even say for sure that I want him back. EVER. BUt, I am soooo curious as to how he will react. I love watching him try to outsmart me. But of course the easiest and most obvious way is that he will just disappear. ANd that will be the route I am betting on.

I am disgusted with the whole thing. ME him, and the entire BS.

And yes, I want this over. One way or another. Or if he turns to counselling some kind of gurantee that he won't screw DD around anymore.

And, thanks, I know if I ever get involved with another man, he would be very lucky. But that is highly unlikely. Not the age thing. THough I am as old as dirt.That has never been a biggie for me. Heck I have had guys younger than my son beg me for a date. Are they NUTS? Or what? It is that I can never love the same way again. (My favourite song Old School Love by Divine Brown) I am a shell of who I used to be.

And my heart is in permanent deep freeze. For now.

Thanks TT. I am keeping strong.

How are thing in HK? Same stuff, different day? How long have you been at it? Are you getting a little bored with the BS?

I swear if there were a million Steve Harleys , they would all be richer than Midas and still there would be all this pain.

Well Guys. I did it. Finally. It started with me throwing my wedding dress in the garbage. And it ended with me, after 10 months, (not including the time I was in the dark before that), instructing my lawyer to file for Divorce on the grounds of Adultery. There is no waiting period of any kind involved. I could have dragged this on and on as I said before. My lawyer said that separation starts from the last sexual relations. So that was only a little over a month ago.

But, frankly I just can’t do this any more. I deserve someone who loves me the way I loved Dork. Heart and soul. Unconditionally. And he doesn’t and he can’t and he won’t.

I did speak to Dork today. Sigh. Same **** different day. Yes, I know, I could have just surprised him with the papers. And maybe I should have. But for me it was the honourable thing to do. Surprise attacks are Dork’s specialty. And I refuse to act in the vindictive way that he acts. Following Orchid’s RB advice I asked if the latest skank was male or female. He said he wouldn’t answer that. So another thing to worry about. Guess I need to get tested for STDs. Sigh. But I won’t use it. The first Ditchpig is named. This one isn’t. I could find out but what difference does it make now?

I asked him if he had read any of the emails. He didn’t say a darn thing. I asked him if he had anything to say. He said he was going back into counselling.(which is condition #2 of my demands) I then asked him if he had read my response to the email to DD. He said I would know what he had “decided” when he communicated with me. I asked when. He said when I got his email. I asked when he planned on doing that. He said when I got it. It will be too late, I think.

I told him I was filing and I asked him to order a copy of our marriage license as I did not have the extra money and to mail it to my lawyer. He balked at that. Doesn’t want to pay $35 frickin’ dollars on his Visa for it. I told him not to bother. Someone else would do it for me. I told him that DD needs a counselling session so that the counsellor, can evaluate whether it is her wish to see her biological father. Or if it was me “brainwashing" her against her father. And to see if it would damage her to a) see her father and b) ever be exposed to his skanks. Any of them. Not rocket science. But it can’t be me saying it. After all I am the one that turned DD against him right? It had absolutely NOTHING to do with his betrayal of her and his lies to her for 4 years. And yes, I know she is pi$$ed because of her love for me and her loyalty. And that is not wrong. She saw me try sooo hard to make things work. She does identify with me and what he has done. If he can love Mom one day and the next tell her that he NEVER loved her, well you get the picture. And her father? How much did he try? ZIP ZERO NADA. But hey, I am only the soon-to-be-ex-wife and her mother. What the he!! would I know about how she feels? When I told Dork that, he AGAIN told me to stop “using” DD. And he was going to refuse to pay half of the counselling session until I told him that we could go through our lawyers and then he could pay 75%. Sigh. Still in that delusional state.

Most of you know the mind-numbing, heart breaking, soul killing effort I have made on DORK’S behalf. Just to get DD to see him. And the abuse I have taken from him almost killed me. Yet I never wavered in my belief that this was just an aberration. That the “real” Dork would shine through this evil, serial philanderer, lying, cheating, honourless, thing that used to be the love of my life and DD’s hero. Or as DD said in her journal. Cold-hearted. How many tears did he see fall from me? How many tears and how much writhing did he see DD go through. Countless. Not a word of understanding. Not a gesture or word of sympathy. For either of us. So ya think maybe DD had reason to doubt his love? Dork SAYS he loves her. And I guess he might. But not enough to put her first in his life. Not even for a minute a day. And she sees that. Always last place in his pursuit of happiness. Of freedom. And how hard is it to figure out that his choices killed her love for him? NOT MINE! She tried so hard to believe in him. But she is the one that told me to divorce him. Months ago. HE HAS DONE NOTHING TO PROVE THAT HE LOVES HER. And that is what she needed. Now I fear it is too late. I saw this coming from the very start. But all I got from Dork was that I was “using” DD to get him to come home. It is complicated. I admit that. But my children will always come first in my priorities. Never with his. Never. And DD FEELS that.

I thought I knew better than his sister. I thought I knew better than my kids. Because I loved him. Because I believed in him. Even when he didn’t. I believed his lies. Each and every time. I believed him when he said he would think about trying to work things out. He said he would “consider” it. Well he didn’t “think” and he didn’t “consider”. Not once. Never. And that has become crystal clear.

All along, I refused to believe anyone when they told me that he would NEVER be a father and a husband again. I don’t know how many people warned me that he was a serial cheater and a pathological liar. I just would not believe it. So it went on and on and on. Me begging him to at least see DD. At least email her. All to no avail. NOTHING would deter him from his path of self-destruction. You all know how many time I asked him how much he was prepared to lose in his relentless, selfish pursuit of new [censored]. He didn’t get it. He still doesn’t. He thought I was threatening him. [censored]. I could see what was coming. But no, not Dork. He couldn’t see past getting his rocks off. He insists that he had nothing to lose. I had taken everything. Criminy I told him that he was on the verge of losing his daughter MONTHS ago. Not a flicker of concern. If it wasn’t so pathetic, I would do a copy and paste of the 4 or 5 emails he sent to DD. THIS year, folks. Not this week. Not this month. This frickin’ year. I haven’t counted, but I would hazard a guess that I emailed him maybe a hundred times to PLEASE email DD. PLEASE take one lousy minute out of your busy day and communicate with your daughter. And the phone calls. Oh my God. When he didn’t hang up on me, he was so rude and would say stuff like, “I will remedy that today” when I asked, no begged him to email his daughter. He NEVER followed through. The emails that he sent? Never any questions about how she was doing. Never any thing that she might be interested in enough to email him back. Stuff like “I have had a hard day and I banged my head.” I love you very much, Talk at you later, Dad. Whoopty frickin’ doo. I am serious. Talk AT you later. He never inquired about her grades or even her award(s). How awful is that? How self involved can someone be? This is love?

LOVE? He doesn’t know the meaning of it. He should. He saw me turn myself inside out. He watched me quit my job, and tear DD out of her home on his word that he would “consider” counselling and “consider” a possibility of dating. DD wanted to go. She thought the same as me. That we had a “chance” to reconcile. And if not, at least she could see her Dad on a regular basis. Yup, What a [censored] I was.

Of course, Dork started working on her the moment she came. And it was less than a week before it was the beginning of the end of ANY trust. You all know what happened New Year’s Eve. I still get sick thinking about it. He!! I even called his mother to PLEASE call DD so she wouldn’t feel so alone. Yup he left her alone “to go out for dinner” and got back after 2 in the morning. Remember me telling you how he had given her a choice to stay at the house or come with him to a party and that she had to be polite to the Ditchpig? After an emergency call to our counsellor who confirmed with me that this was a major trauma to DD. How could Dork expect her to be POLITE to the adulteress that helped her Dad break up our family? I called him again and again to try to get it through to him. His response? “Fine I’ll spend another New Year’s home alone instead of having fun” What the He!!? He had DD. Did he try to plan anything? Nope. I asked him to. I should have known that the dinner was his way of keeping me in the dark. He had no intention of spending the time with his daughter. You all remember that I left at 4 in the morning to go see that she was okay. You remember that I ended up being forced to stay outside because he locked me out. You remember how rude DD was. Poor Baby. What a struggle. She told me later that she never told Dork how she felt. “Because he never listens to me” “He lies to me.” Smart girl. Smarter than her Mom.

Looking back on my time in Victoria, I should have seen it. But I didn’t. I kept making excuses for his behaviour. You know Mid Life Crisis. Not dealing with his Dad’s death. YADA YADA. But the DAY I arrived, he made sure to be driven to the house by Ditchpig. Knowing I was there waiting for him. And he gets out and smirks at me. Knowing full well that DD was home, too. Knowing full well what the counsellor had said about exposing her in any way to the woman that helped him destroy our marriage. Stabbed through the heart. AGAIN.

Still I kept at it. I just couldn’t believe that he would be so deliberately cruel. But it got even worse. To the point where I was literally driven out of Victoria. Well because of my website. Where I insisted that Dork was a liar and that the affair started on board ship. But that the military took his and Ditchpig’s word that nothing happened until AFTER he said he wanted to separate. NOPE, I was right as he admitted to me in June. But he and his old buddy said I had to retract my emails or the military would use every resource they had to destroy me. AND Dork was talking about taking full custody of DD. She heard him. She told me. AND he told her that I was irrational and unfit. AND that EVERYONE on his ship hated me because I told the TRUTH! He of course denies he said that. He said he told her that I exaggerated. I DID NOT!

And when I left, I called DD from the ferry. And I told her I was going back to the Mainland. That I couldn’t stay there any more. She BEGGED me to come get her. I said I couldn’t. I asked her to think about where she wanted to live. She said I am STAYING WITH EX-FRIEND. I am NOT living with Dad. She told me that if I made her stay she would run away. My poor Baby Girl.

And you all know the great support I got from Dork’s family. His Mom told me in an email she would NEVER support adultery. Guess what she did? She told Dork that she would support him “whatever his decision” Guess who never encouraged Dork to try to work things out? Guess who overheard? Yup, DD at Christmas. Guess where Dork and the latest Ditchpig stayed last weekend. Yup, at the enabling ex mother-in-law. Gee, I wonder why DD won’t communicate with Grandma. Gee, I guess Dork is far more important than the welfare of DD. But, the only person that made plain her disgust with Dork was his sister. And I will never forget that. But blood is thicker than water. So I had no hope of their support. And of course, they believed his lies in the end.

Yet, even though DD came home so angry and betrayed by her grandmother, I encouraged her to remember that Dork was her son. YADA YADA.

Well since we moved here in April, Dork has visited I think 3 or 4 times. At the most. It doesn’t matter now. Each and every time, I had to beg him to make time for his daughter. Each and every time, until the end of May, we had sex. And then because again I believed his lies, I proposed that instead of him coming over here, I would bring DD over there. But that we would stay in a hotel and he was to stay with us and we would have ONE date. We could take it slowly but I honestly thought that we were on the path back to each other. He said he would “consider” it. God, I hate that word now!

Last time he was here, I asked him for an answer. He said no, he would never live with me again. That having sex would never happen again. I knew then and there he had a new skank. But, I tried to talk to him a bit about relationship stuff. Because, up to this time, I REALLY in my heart thought that he loved me. Not that he showed me that. Because the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. And he is, even now, not indifferent. I tried in my usual blunt way to get him to think about what it would take for him to “consider” coming back to his family. Because he said he had NEVER thought about it during the whole time he was with the first Ditchpig. Well, for Dork to “consider” coming back, I had to get rid of all my books, (which I love and they are my security), purge my house, keep it neat and tidy at all times and he had to have a truck. Notice it is all STUFF? Not anything internal like, listen to me, be my partner, do recreational thing with me. All STUFF. And that is when I went to Plan B. I told him that he could not stay here any more. He could not contact me any more. He had to contact DD either by email or by phone to set up his next visit. I told him again that I loved him but that I couldn’t take the pain any more. He left the next day. I asked him to please tell me if he ever changed his mind and miraculously re-discovered his love for me. He said he would. More lies.

Then 2 days later is when I confirmed there was a new Ditchpig. I went insane with grief. Insane. I could not fathom the depths of his cruelty. How could he? But of course he could and did pick a new skank over his daughter. Again. And then he disappeared until July 1st. No asking DD if he could come. And then the endless emails I sent and the endless messages that I gave that were NEVER returned. Well, of course not. He was too busy. I am sick at heart and sick to my stomach at his choice of a skank over DD.

Of course, that was the last time he saw DD other than to shout at her during her parade. And you know how that turned out. And you remember the conversation I had with him on Monday when I informed him about contacting his lawyer, etc. The hang up and then when I called back Dork pushing the buttons on the phone saying “are you finished, repeatedly? All the while I was trying to get everything out. LA LA LA, I can’t hear you…..

Surprise! 2 emails in DD’s email that night. One, a response to an email DD sent JUNE 20th! Asking him if he was coming to the parade. Calling him a liar and telling him how wrong it is to be with other women while he is still married. So, on July 4th, 3 days AFTER the parade. And TWO WEEKS after she sent the email, his response? “I am coming to the parade on Fri morning. I will be in Abbotsford at approx 11:00, if not earlyer. I would like to know where the parade starts and ends.”

So, tell me what he was up to that he was sooo busy that he couldn’t be found and had not been sleeping at the house where he is supposed to live. Oh, of course I have that wrong. Right. But of course this doesn’t prove that he abandoned his daughter for another Ditchpig, does it? Right.

He doesn’t get it. No way will DD see him unless I am there No way will I see him if he doesn’t want to try to reconcile. So we are at an impasse. Well, not really. I have set the bar very high. Too high for him to get over. I know that. This was the last test for him. He has failed every one that I gave him. From the littlest one like sending emails every other day. To counselling where he would REALLY work on his issues. To being honest with me. AND perhaps, even more importantly with himself. No dice. He!!, I wasn’t even expecting to reconcile. He knew that. All I wanted was a CHANCE to TRY.

I gave him countless chances. He gave me none. He made sure there was not a damn thing I could do to make things better. The chances I gave him? He used NOT ONE to re-establish a relationship with DD. He only used my suggestions to hurt me. Either by ignoring them or by doing the exact opposite. He has done NO work on himself. None.

I see this bitter, angry man. He doesn’t smile or laugh. He used to. Now he says he is happy everywhere but when he is with me. Gee, ya think it might have to do with the pain he has caused and the guilt he might feel? Nope. Not according to him. It is ME! He can’t stand to be around me. Okay, I get it. I finally get it. Of course I can’t understand it. If it was me in that situation, I would dance with the devil to keep my child in my life. But then, I would NEVER do what he has done. NEVER!

So, I am torn apart by my feelings. I love him. Yes, Stupid me. I pity him. I can’t understand how his life now is so much better without us in it. It’s not. He has a shallow existence with NOTHING of value in it. He threw that away. For skanks. I don’t give a rat’s azz how wonderful he thinks the 1st, 2nd 3rd, 4th, however many there are, ANYONE that [email]f@#ks[/email] a married man is a skank, a Ditchpig. Whatever. And in his heart of hearts, Dork KNOWS this. But he is still delusional. He thinks he is “entitled” to be happy. At our expense. At the expense of his soul. Of his honour. Everything of value that he had, he lost. Deliberately, intentionally, constantly chipping away at my love for him.

You know that Ex-friend met both the 1st Ditchpig and this one. Both of them creeped her out. Even she, who Dork turned against me, has come back over to understanding how I have tried so hard for DD and our family. She and her H have tried sooo many times to get Dork to see that he is doing us wrong. But he brushes them off.

Why would he listen to those people that love him? Oh well. We are full circle. I told DD about the need to see a counsellor to establish her right not to be subjected to her father. She hid under a blanket and cried and punched the pillows and wailed uncontrollably. When I asked her if she was crying for her Dad or because she has to see a counsellor. She sobbed, “Both!”

I gave Dork until this weekend. And that's it.He has to agree to no contact with any skanks, move back where he is supposed to be and visit here at the VERY LEAST ever other weekend. I will go there on opposite weeks. He MUST respond to my emails. He must stay in counselling. And he must learn to be honest.

But, I don’t have any hope that he is strong enough to face this. So next week, the big D gets filed along with the separation agreement. I just have to wait on the marriage certificate.

Lemonman, Thank you. Told you I get it in my own time. TTSi you, too.

{{FAA/DD}}

I think you made the right decision for you and DD.

F-again - Someone on another thread said it very well -

"There's not enough of me left to fight for a man who wouldn't fight for me."

Contrary to what your sour friend says, some of us DO get it, we DO get it.

Hang in there. Since I made the same decision, life has gotten much better.

Thanks Believer. And that is what it comes down to doesn't it? He REFUSES to fight for me. But more importantly, he REFUSES to fight for DD. And I don't mean just the access. I mean to PROTECT her. To fight to the death to keep her safe. There is a lot of bad stuff in the world. And a GOOD parent will give up their life to guard their child's well being. Their physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.

Not Dork. He IS the evil. He IS the Pain. He IS the Bad Stuff.

ANd he just doesn't get it. It hurts me to see him turn his back on his ONLY daughter. I kills me when I see her pain. He won't lift a finger to make things better. HE won't try to help her, me or even himself.

HE gets furious when I keep asking WHY? I know, you don't argue with a crazy person. But it makes no sense! He had EVERYTHING. A loving family. HE DESTROYED it. And he is at the very least as unhappy as he claims he ws when we were together.

IF MAKES NO SENSE! I know if I did 1 millionth of what he has done, I would not be able to sleep. I would not be able to eat. I couldn't function. How can he even bear to look in the mirror?

YOu know the saddest part? He thinks he is standing up for himself. HE has deluded himself so much that he thinks he is free, single and happy man. HE looks like [email]cr@p.[/email] He is miserable looking. He can't laugh. The he!! I have been through and I am proud of my efforts. I am proud that I can still laugh. At myself and at the joy that DD and I find where we can. At the end of the day, when we stand before GOd to be judged. WHat will Dork have to be proud of? HE RAN from his family. He RAN from his problems. GUess what? They followed him. They are within HIM. But he won't see that. Now or EVER.

When I die and think back on my life, I will count this time as my trial by fire. And I will stand in pride with my head held high. I did right by my daughter and I did right by Dork.

FAA, I'm amazed at how long you fought for this.... It's only been a few weeks for me and on many occasions, I'm already feeling as if I want to just be out of the chaos. I guess maybe it's coz we don't have children. Just 17 yrs of joint history.

You seem to have processed this logically not just emotionally...seems like the right thing to do at this point.

Wishing you and your DD personal recovery from all this heartache.

~A

F-Again -

I did not get a chance to decide whether to have my WH back again or not. Now I am thankful for that. I'm afraid I would have just taken him back just to honor my vows.

He and OW have behaved so sleazy and cheap that it gives me the creeps. I cringe when I hear about their latest self-centered behavior. The funny thing is the thing that bothers me the most is how her daughter has suffered. She is now 14 and has been abandoned by her mother. There have been countless times where mom promised to do something and never showed. Like last week, she promised Lauren money for a class graduation trip to SeaWorld. At the last minute, mom called her and said she was going camping with WH and couldn't spare the money.

I used to mention things like this to WH. He says that OW's daughter is the most important thing in her life. He denies that the daughter has been hurt at all by her mom living with him for the last 3 years. He denies that she only spends a couple hours a week with her daughter. Like I said, it makes me cringe.

I lost my love, my respect, everything for him.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how I feel about my WH. The best way to describe it is that I am ashamed that he is my husband. I know that his behavior is his choice and it shouldn't reflect on me. But I am ashamed to be his wife. That is it in a nutshell.