believer, I guess once you lose that kind of respect, it's hard to continue the M.

For me, I've been feeling more disappointment than deep sorrow. The man whom I've respected alot has fallen right in front of my eyes, especially ever since I found out about how he messed our finances without discussing/ telling me. That's dishonesty that I felt was almost equivalent to the dishonesty of the affair. And then he decides to escape the problems, up and leave (like it was so easy for him to just pack his backs and go). Even more disappointing.

~A

Ashley -

You are still very new in this. I hope you will continue trying to save your marriage.

I have been doing this for 3 years now, and have finally filed for divorce. Just didn't feel anything for my husband anymore.

At this point, I don't see how I can save it. We don't have children to continue the min contact that goes with Plan A or things like that. He's adamant on leaving. And he doesn't want to work on anything concerning our marriage. He doesn't want to end the affair either. The way that he can just up and go so easily is hard to get over. We'll be legally separated within a month. By then we'll have no necessary contact with each other, other than about money. And then I do have to move on with my life rather than being stuck in this limbo state. Can't save a marriage alone.

~A

Ashley -

You are still so new in this. A lot of things can happen. They are all adamant on leaving. They don't want to work on the marriage. Also they don't want to end the affair.

It is your choice. No one would fault you for unloading him now.

Sometimes I tell myself that I wish I had just filed for divorce on D-day. The way things turned out, I might as well have - would have saved myself a couple years of misery.

But as they tell you here, it is better to try your best, and be able to look back 10 years from now and know that you gave it your best.

F-again - Sorry for the threadjack, but it seems you are not here anyway.

Sorry for the t-jack, F-again! The convo just seemed to flow from your v. interesting story.

Yes, it's my choice because I have to live again. But it's not my choice that he wants to legally separate. It's my choice that I agree to it because I do not want to force someone to stay with me.

And thing is, I feel as if I've tried already... I've nothing else to "try" anymore. He's not talking, doesn't want to talk and basically ignoring everyone.

The only thing I can do is take care of what I can control and do for myself. If I were to keep "trying" and banging my head against a wall/block of wood, I'm afraid I'll lose myself. I can't afford that. I have things to do - like getting a job and my finances back in the black.

~A

Sorry, I am back. I had to go to work. But left early. Ashley, please keep trying. It is too soon to quit, imvho. I do not regret sticking it out as long as I did. I can look back with pride at all I tried to do. I stood up for my family. I can never regret that. B, I'm with you in so many ways. I am so ashamed of being his wife. I am humiliated FOR him.

Just found out some info on the NEW Ditchpig. Sigh. Dork is soooo predictable. She has 2 kids. Different fathers of course. You know I don't think this would hurt so much if he picked someone better. But for crying out loud. He has so little self-esteem and self-worth to keep picking SKANKS. EEEWWWWWW!!!!!

I am deciding what to do next. I can get that divorce in a second because of his serial adultery. But you know a totally non MB part of me wants him to Pay and Pay and Pay. I want to humiliate him. I want him to lose his job. I want him broken and bleeding with nothing and no one.

So, I will think about that. If nothing else it gives me HUGE satisfaction to be able to do that. I just haven't decided. But I will.

Should I be big about it and just let him go? Should I be the vindictive self-righteous bi+tch I can be? I just don't know. This newest adultery is still fresh in my mind. Don't know how long it has been going on but I didn't confirm until a couple of weeks ago.

And of course, DOrk has no clue where I get informaton. And of course he thinks I just "guess" or something. What a [censored]. I lived in Victoria for YEARS! I know people on his ship for crying out loud. THere are sooooo many people that let me know what is going on because they cannot believe what an azz he is. They are horrified and disgusted at his abandonment of his DD. Some of them have told him so. But he is so far gone that he refuses to listen.

They want me to put him out. And they will do a lot to help me. I have GREAT friends. Most of whom he doesn't have a clue about. What a ***!

Hi, I feel that I am not the only one who is fighting all alone in the relationship and wanted to drop a line here. I wrote earlier today seeking some advice ("My H wants a divorce and it is a hopeless situation").

It has been seven months going on eight months, and I am burned out. I tried everything I could think of, but none has worked. He moved out 2 1/2 months ago so it is a typical "out of sight, out of mind" situation. He used to feel guilty but now NO. He thinks it is me that lead him to a bad situation (he was arrested for public indecency - related to his SA, sexual addiction), because he has always felt empty in our relationship.

I did not hug or kiss him enough, nor expressed my love towards him enough. That is what he claims now, and that is true. But I love him! I wrote to him so many times expressing my love to him but he asked me to stop "hanging in there" because I am hurting myself and our son. Like FAA, everytime I see my son crying for his father because H is leaving him, it tears my heart apart. I cry too. I want to do ANYTHING to get his father back. That is why I have been trying, but I have no more ideas left. The harder I try, the further H has gone.

Is there anything I can do while H is already out there enjoying his "single" life? He is not with anyone YET. That pisses him off, and I am sure he thinks that's also my fault that he is not happy now.

Well, I went in to Plan B at the beginning of June.
Well, not really. That might have been your intent, but from these posts, you were nowhere near Plan B.

I had to contact the Dork a number of times…

Well, it was almost impossible to contact him. He refused to answer my messages. ANd he doesn't read his emails. I tried calling him at work, but the number just rang and rang…
Etc…
Exactly where does in Plan B does it say that you should be contacting him constantly about anything?

In the month since I told him not to ccontact me, except about DD, he has not called and emailed once…

Of course,no response…

He couldn't talk as he was at work but he said he would call me after. He never did.
So he does exactly what you asked him to do (no contact) and now he’s wrong for doing exactly this?

Sigh. I hated all the calling but I just cannot let the Dork hurt DD any more than he has with his insensitivity and lack of caring.
???
If you could change him in this way, why can’t you change him and make him a better husband?
You can’t.
When he tells your daughter something, let him be the one to explain it. You tell her, “He said he would be here. I don’t know where he is. When you see him, why don’t you ask him about it?” (all of this in a kindly way, not sneering or blaming him, even in your tone)

Plan B? HA! No chance of that having any success
OF course there is no chance, especially when it is not being done.

But that he is doing this to push my buttons and to hurt me.
And you are simply letting him do it. Do not respond or expect anything from him.

Now we will see. Likely he will remain silent for a long time, if not forever.
The question is, will you let him?

Read the links below.

Chris. Thank you for responding. Plan B was a failure for me. I did say that. I do not have an intermediary. AND the only reason I was trying to reach him was finance and DD related. Nothing else!

I would not have done even that but I was terrified that Dork would bring his DP to my DD's events. And, I needed to know that he would not. (And as it turns out, predictably, he did bring her) I didn't call him until it was clear that he was not at home and so did not read his emails where I asked him to confirm whether he was coming or not. Finances? You bet! There were bills and expenses that he is responsible for that he neglected to send me money for. And I cannot pay these things without the money that he is required to pay.

So, given what I have just said. Are you trying to say that going dark when I don't know if or when he will show up with his current adulteress in tow, means I cannot protect my DD by calling Dork?

Are you telling me that I would have to literally take the food off my table to pay the bills so that I stay dark?

I have read all of your links. Hundreds of times.

SO, tell me what you think I should have done? Should I have gone to the MPs? Gone through my lawyer for another 200 dollar bill?

I agree with Plan B. I wanted to do a great one. But given the distance but especially because of his past attempts to bully DD into accepting his current DP, I don't think I went wrong. I just don't know how I could stay dark without us suffering emotionally and financially. Emotionally becasue I and DD were scared that Dork WOULD bring the DP. Always looking over our shoulder in case he decided to just show up. Financially well, you get the picture.

OT.....

I just wanted to say "HI!"

FIM

(((FIM.))) Just working on an email to you! Wondered what happened to you. Did I say I was following in your tracks? Sigh. I can't change it either.

None of this stuff is easy, but it can easily work against what you are trying to accomplish.

If you have to have contact, you need to make sure there is absolutely no LBs. Leave the attitude and venom at home for the 5 minutes of contact.

I would not have done even that but I was terrified that Dork would bring his DP to my DD's events. And, I needed to know that he would not.
And if he said he would not and he did?

(And as it turns out, predictably, he did bring her)
And what exactly did you prevent? Nothing.

Send him a simple email explaining DD is having an event on xx day. Better yet, let him do the asking.
Give a short & simple response. Her soccer game is Saturday and 9 AM at Wrigley Field.
Don’t expect or even ask for a response. Whether he shows or not is not your responsibility.
Again, tell your daughter you told him when the game was and you don’t know where he is (assuming he doesn’t show). Do NOT tell your daughter that you told him but you don’t expect him to show.

I asked him to confirm whether he was coming or not.
Let him know (or he lets you know) when he is supposed to show, wait a while (15 minutes?) and then leave. If he doesn’t show, his problem (and yes, you have to be the one to accept the crap from your dd). Again, don’t try to explain or belittle your h to your daughter. Simply tell her that he said he would be here and you don’t know where he is.

Finances? You bet! There were bills and expenses that he is responsible for that he neglected to send me money for. And I cannot pay these things without the money that he is required to pay.
If he is required to pay, get a court order. Still doesn’t mean he will pay.

So, given what I have just said. Are you trying to say that going dark when I don't know if or when he will show up with his current adulteress in tow, means I cannot protect my DD by calling Dork?
How are you protecting her? He says one thing and then does something else anyway, correct?
She can (and will) very easily (and sadly) learn that dad is human and is a jerk sometimes.
Again, you don’t want to keep her from learning things, you want to teach her how to deal with bad situations. Let her know it is NOT her fault he didn’t show up or call but you don’t know where dad is.

SO, tell me what you think I should have done? Should I have gone to the MPs? Gone through my lawyer for another 200 dollar bill?
If he is military, then you need to contact his First Sergeant and make sure he knows you are not being supported by your husband.

Emotionally because I and DD were scared that Dork WOULD bring the DP. Always looking over our shoulder in case he decided to just show up.
And if/when he does show up with her, what are you going to do?
Tell him you do not want your daughter around the op. If she shows up, tell your daughter to call you immediately. How old is your daughter and why is she “scared”?

(((FAA)))

I wish I could say that I hope you don't follow in my tracks.....

but considering what's been going on for you......

COME ON DOWN AND ENJOY THE RIDE!!!!!!

Personally, I can't imagine now how I stayed for so long. It was for the kids and because of my personal belief in the permanent state of matrimony, sure.

Also, it was a healthy dose of fear coupled with what I now see as an amazing ability one can have to see what they want in an attempt to keep the status quo.

I will never do that again.

I didn't have the marriage I had built up in my walking fantasy.

I wasn't married to the man I created to star in that fantasy.

I edited my own life and I can honestly say that by only allowing the truths I wanted to accept and throwing out the facts that were staring me in the face day after day, I hurt me, my friends, my family and my children.

Dork hadn't been worth the fight after the...oh... first affair really. But definately not after the second

or third

or fourth

or fifth

or sixth

OH..... or the seventh, eighth, ninth, tenth

OR THE ELEVENTH

(those would be KNOWN ones...yes)

I am all for marriage building and working it out. I believe strongly in the sanctity of marriage and the ability to work through adultry to a better marriage than the one left behind.

Personal experience tells me it's harder the more affairs there are though, my dear, and I learned first hand that no matter how hard you try and what you put into it.....

you can't bring the WS back if they don't want to come.

And that is okay.

You go ahead and follow in my tracks if it comes to that.

There are worse places I could be, and you could be...... like back in that marriage to that man living in that fantasy.

Margarita?

FIM

I don't.
You are right. I thought I was reiterating what the IC had told him. i.e no exposure to DP. But he hasn't told the truth in a very long time.
No, I did not prevent it. However, because I was prepared, I had friends and family there to run interference and to whisk DD away if necessary. I wanted to avoid a scene in which DD felt she had to tell Dork off. And I did not feel it appropriate that she MIGHT be put in that position in front of her school friends and teachers.

Actually there will be NO contact now. Not between DD and Dork. Zero. I went to m lawyer and DD is having an assessment done on Saturday. The results will be used in court to deny any access to him. She is 13 and does not want to see him. THis has to be verified by an independent source so that it isn't my word.

She told me that she feels "unsafe" when she is anywhere near Dork. When I asked her why, she said she feels "emotionally" unsafe. Because he lies to her all the time. He tries to get her to agree to what he is doing. He tries to pressure her by guilting her into accepting the things he has done. He tells her he can't see her because it is too difficult because of me. The counsellor has insisted that I accompany DD on any visits, etc. The reason is that because DD was emotionally and physically abandoned by Dork, if I left her alone with him, I would essentially be abandoning her as well. And as I have said in some of my posts, DD refuses to see him at all unless I am there. And no, it is not because she has a fantasy that we will get back together. She wants me to divorce him NOW! ANd another reason is that she wants to confront him and DP with their behaviour. She wants to hurt them both. I will not allow that to happen. THis is NOT her problem to deal with.

OK, great......now I can say this without having a "zeal" bust my A$$ for not encouraging marriage building....I have been wanting to say this for a while.....

...Your wayward STBX is a ***, low down, piece of ***, scum sucking, rat ** drinking heap of dog ***. The guy is a cretin.


ahhhhh. feel better?.....I do.

Yeah, not marriage building stuff, and certainly a demeaning way to think, but so what? it felt good.

Ok, now back to the original programmed schedule.

Yes, FAA...YOU DO "GET IT". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Sour..........

Lemonman. That was sooo not nice. lmao. I spewed tea everywhere. But it made me feel better. So, I guess I am in the single category now. Sigh.

Two things. Sour Male <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> You never say anything about yourself. Are you dating? Do you look at women differently? I sure look at men through very jaded and watchful eyes. And the saddest part? Any man my age who is single, is likely even more screwed up than me! Yikes! Mind you I usually dated younger men. Not soooo old. As in Stuck in their ways.

Don't ever stop posting. You shake things up. Rock on LM
P.S. I emailed you a couple of days ago. Before Plan D. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Well, I am dating, but nothing resembling serious. I am admittedly very selfish now, and like doing my "own thing". I am training for a triathalon next month, and am very into my work and research at the medical school. I am thinking of building a new house and that has my energies now. I have alot of things going on, and I am not "marriage" material now. Most women who want to "date me", also want to settle down. That is NOT for me now. It will no doubt be again someday though. I am a one woman man. Always was, and always will be.

I don't necessarily look at women different ( I still admire hot women <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />), but am "realistic" about things. I am a divorced trauma surgeon with some "baggage" that I am shedding. Now is not the time to get seriously involved. Don't me wrong, I have "needs" also, so I do what I have to do to survive. With all due respect, I think of myslef as a good, principled man, and I think I am a "catch". I don't say that with vain either. I want to "recover" myself, so the "next time" around, I am ready to give it my best. I am not there yet. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

The thing about all of this is that I have no doubt in my mind as I type this that there is a woman walking around this world who I will meet someday and marry and have children with. She doesn't know it yet, but she is there. When that happens, there will be at least one person in this life who will "love" my wayward wife for all that she did. My wayward will have a "life" fan and she doesn't even know it.

It is all in your perspective.

p.s. I see that my insulting, profanity laced post regarrding your Wayward above was edited. I shouldn't be suprised, but it sure does not "feel" the same edited. It is all good though.

Take care of you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Sour, MD