I'm still pretty new to this. I am living at a friend's hose while my W has an A with a co-worker. I am out of the house because there was not a good way to move her out, I was hoping this would be very temporary. It has been about a month of he!! now.

I was at my house Fri night and Sat morn. She was in her fog and became confrontational. I became emotional and tried hard to put the guilt on her. I told her she was selfish and hurting EVERYONE around her. Of course she disagreed with that, became VERY upset and it appears she has spent every minute she can with the OM.

Now all she wants to talk about is a D, for which she has already filed after my last outburst. We had agreed to put things on hold, but then I blew it again.

I am so depressed. All I want is my W and my life back. I love her with all my heart and I know she is lost in the fog. Her A is both E and P and it is killing me. She is (was) a good person with a good caring heart. When will she ever come to her senses?

Just needed to vent. It helps to be here at MB and get the mind off all the bad that is going on. I get so restless and bored trying to cope with all this. Hope you all have a good 4th.

If you want your W back then why are you enabling the affair by moving out?

1. Move back home - NOW

2. Stop all lovebusters IMMEDIATELY [read the link in my signature, "what are Plan A and Plan B"

3. Make a list of all influencial people in your lives, such as family, close friends, bosses, etc and expose the affair to them. Call them up and tell them about your W's affair and ask for their help and prayers in saving your marriage

4. Get the books Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs by Willard Harley ASAP

Is the OM married? What do you know about him?

Hurts, I just read your other thread and see that others have given you this advice to no avail. You ignored or brushed them off. There is nothing we can do to help you if you refuse to help yourself. Your situation is probably hopeless unless you take action.

Melody,

Thanks for the response.

I guess that was stupid of me, moving out. I thought that by moving out and letting her keep the house while she "sorted things out", that I was showing her that I loved her and cared about her. I had hoped that this would add to her feelings of guilt. Is this what they mean by being a "doormat"?

I have a friend that I am staying with and for her to move we would have had to sign a lease on an apartment. Our finances are really strained, we bought a new house a little over a year ago. We ran up some pretty big bills fixing it just like WE wanted it.

I didn't realize that I was supporting the A by giving her the house. Do I need to put her in a strange environment in order for her to come to her senses? I hate to have to sell the house, I had hoped if we can R then we would still have our beautiful home.

No, you don't have to sign a lease for anything. But you need to move back home NOW. TODAY.

She likely won't give up her happy, safe home and if she threatens to move, you should refuse to allow a penny of your marital funds or furniture to go to it. Offer to help her move her personal belongings, though. Likely this was all an idle threat.

But, if you lose your marriage, the house won't be an issue anyway, so your best bet is to go home and try and save your marriage. You are HARMING your chances by moving out.

OK, I'm listening. I desperately want to do this right.

If I move back, do I insist on her moving out? She will not even entertain us in the same bedroom.

Do I move into the guest room and try to avoid contact? Am I Plan A or Plan B or somewhere in the middle?

My thinking processes have not been very good lately. Yes I am on an AD, but think I need to go one notch stronger.

Yes, I have read "Surviving". I have exposed to everyone I can think of. I have a LOT of folks praying for me.

Hurts, go home and move back into your bedroom. Tell her this is your home and you are here to work on your marriage. And no, you do not request that she move out. She is your W and you love her. If she wants to move or sleep somewhere else, you certainly can't stop her, but you have no intention of going anywhere.

You should be in Plan A at this point.

Who exactly have you exposed this affair to? Have you spoken to the OM's boss? His wife?

When you move home you can expect her to be spitting furious because she can no longer control you. You will be taking back control of your life and she will not like it.

It is important to a) be prepared for this reaction and b) NOT react to it! She will be trying desperately to bait you into a fight. You CANNOT let her do this! Do not fight with her. Do not plead with her. Do not beg or try to reason. Trying to reason with her is like trying to reason with a falling down drunk. Just smile and tell her you love her and want your marriage. Then leave the room.

Now, I will point out that many men get very scared when women go into rages. We know how to manage men. You can't let her fury work on you, Hurts. You must stand there like a man of steel with a smile on your face until it all blows over. Can you do it?

*knock*knock*

h-e-l-l-ooooooo

can you respond to Mels other questions please!

She asked you some pretty darned important things which will guide your next plan of action....

are you listening

we will help you formulate a

PLAN OF ACTION

.... not a plan of feelings ....feelings matter and are important ..... but feelings will not forward your goal of winning your wife back[/b]



Can you please respond to Mel?

Slow down .... calm down .... and don't "react" without a PLAN.

PLAN
PLAN
PLAN

You become THE MAN WITH THE PLAN

got that?

Your feelings alone will not win her back ...following a FACT-BASED and MB -BASED PLAN .... has a chance of creating a crisis and discomfort within her affair..... which makes returning to the marriage more attractive to her.

You must attract her back by being strong, kind, meeting her EN .... all the while non-accepting of her decision t make your marriage adulterous.

Are you ready to get started ... or are you going to spin yourself some more?

Pep

p.s. she will be furious for all the right reasons, Hurt, because you are interfering with her affair.

oops .... you posted while I was writing...

good man!

Pep

[color:"red"] Return to YOUR marrage bed.

She's the one deciding to leave the marriage ... so if she wants to sleep somewhere else .... make that HER choice!

"This is our marriage bed. This is where I choose to sleep." [/color]

Make yourself clear ... YOU choose to stay IN the marriage and IN the marriage bed.

Pep

WOW!!!

OK, I will move back. I interpretted Plan A wrong. Yes she will be furious and yes she is very good at it. Don't know if I am that strong, but I will try. Can I do it? I HAVE TO. Now I do this without it being a LB???? Yes, I AM afraid of her outbursts.

OM is getting a D because he loves my W! I spoke with his W and only caused her to become upset. Can't go there again. Of course he says they never really had much af a marriage anyway. Sound familiar? Yes his boss knows everything, we all work for the same company. I haven't been to Human Resources yet, but thought that might be a possibility. As far as I can tell our company policies do not address office affairs. They are so common, companies don't want to deal with it.

PS. Where did you women learn to manage men so well? I could NEVER hold my own in a heated aruement with my W.

Hurts, moving back home is not a lovebuster. A lovebuster is a disrespectful judgement, angry outburst, selfish demand, annoying habit. Moving into your home is none of that.

Women are good in arguments because we have good verbal skills and because we can always scare men off with our emotions.

How do you know the boss knows about the affair? Can you please tell me exactly WHO you have exposed this affair to?

I would also suggest calling the OMW again and telling her about Marriage Builders. Tell her that you are moving back home to save your marriage and that if she is interested in saving her marriage, she might have a chance with MB. Tell her that it would help you alot if she would try to save her marriage too. Explain to her that most affairs, 95%+, never ever make it past the affair phase. Most marriages DO recover from affairs.

Tell her also that Marriage Builders has saved many marriages from adultery and turned them into happy, productive marriages. Adultery is no reason to throw in the towel unless the person just wants to move on. But adultery does not mean = hopeless. It is far from hopeless.

good ... right away ... NO warning your WW either ... just do it.


Most newbies do.



Her anger will not kill your chances of recovery ... rolling over and being bulldozed by her affair will kill your chances.



Be cautious of her affair, not her anger. Ever manage a 3-year-old having a fit? It's similar. You stand quietly and do not allow the fit to have the power of making decisions. YOU are the MAN WITH A PLAN .... don't forget.



This is a fantasy relationship ... OM is just as alien-brained as your wife. Ignore what he says ... watch his actions instead.

words ---> blah blah blah .... no response required by you

actions ---> may require a measured response action by you.... and may not .... nothing is urgent when spoken by aliens ... to them, they are desperate to make their affair fantasy real ... use their desperation against them ... make THEM jump through hoops ... YOU remain calm with your PLAN

see the difference?


does OM's wife have your number just in case she needs to contact you?

You might vcall her one more time to say

"Here is my #. If you have something important to tell me, I will listen."


Do they have kids?


If you go to HR, mention that the company may be at risk for a sexual harrassment situation ... then explain ... THAT is the limit of their interest usually.


unless there is a possibility of a litigation situation....


Maybe she needs to see you hold your own.... I find that strength a very attractive part of my H .... something that he had to develop after his affair....

A woman wants a strong man ... but not a bully.

Pep

I really wish you would try another call to the OMW:

Hurts: "I am Hurts99 and I am sorry to have to call you again but I need your help in busting up this affair. I have a plan to save my marriage and wondered if you would be interested in saving yours too?

We would have a much better chance of busting up this affair if we worked together using Marriage Builders principles.

Can we meet for lunch and discuss it?"

Melody,

Thanks again for being here today. You are giving me hope when I really hit bottom. I have done so much of this wrong.

I have spoken to my boss who is also their boss. He also went through his W having an A and gave me this site as a possible help. He said it helped him. He is also talks too much so I can't confide him too much. He needed to know what is going on because I know I am not as up to spped at work as I should be.

I have spoken to the OM and let him know that I don't think he deserves to breath the same air as the rest of us. I was told by our management that I was not to contact him directly at work. Thay are afraid of a confrontation.

Her family lives out of state and I went up to visit them alone, I have their support. They know and love me, we have been married 23 years. They know I have been good to my wife. Her sister, who she is very close to knows everything. Her parents know we have a problem, but their health is not good now and they can't stand all the details. I know they suspect an A and she will be up there next weekend. Her Dad cried and hugged me when I told him that things looked pretty bleak. I know her Dad will put more guilt on her and that is probably good. I also realize that blood is thicker than water and they ultimately want her to be happy. Her sister knows that the happiness she feels now is a fantasy. I was lucky to marry into this family and love them like my own.

No help from my family. We are spread all over the country and not very close. My sister lives close and has offered emtional support.

We started some counselling with a minister before the A became P. She cut it off and has refused further counselling even though she agreed that it was helpful at the time. I think her agenda at the time was to ease her guilt by "helping me" deal with it.

The rumors of her A have pretty well circulated within our company and our industry. I ahve been with this company for 30 years and know a lot of people. It is degrading and difficult to face my friends because I never know who knows what.

Pepper - The OMW does have my #. She called me the day after my call and asked that I not contact her again. I am sure she was brainwashed by an alien. I have to be a little careful, her father is an old friend from the industry I work in. I may contact her and see if she interested in what I am doing with MB. Even if they D, MB is a good support group and she needs that. She didn't deserve this either.
They have no kids, wish they did.
"Strong but not a bully", I hope I can do this. I think I see the concept. But anytime I have tried to be what I cosidered strong she would say "this is one of the things I hate about you, when you become so beligerent." Help me here.

Melody - As I said above, I think I need to call the OMW. I just neeed to be very careful. She seems very fragile and of course she would be. Lunch might be a neutral ground. She seems like a very pleasant lady.

Hurts, ok, it sounds like you are on the right track now. There are many opportunities here.

A couple of things that come to mind are telling her parents the truth. I don't think you do them or your W any favors by not telling them. They already know something is up and it is much easier to deal with the truth than lies. Please call them up and tell them what is going on here. They have enormous influence over her and you need this resource. She also needs to suffer the embarrassment of her parents knowing about her sleazy behavior. Really, it is powerful and much needed splash of cold water.

But also tell them that you love your W and what you are doing to save your marriage. They are old, experienced folks who can probably better deal with the truth than we younger folks.

I think if you open your call to the OMW with a strong "benefit" statement and a request for her help, that she may respond better. Let her know you have a plan and that there is hope. Tell her you think you can help each other. That may lure her in.