Melody,

Her mom is in the hospital with heart problems. You want me to kill her???? Let's work with the good sister here. Sister has already told the FWW that SHE needs to be the one to tell them what is going on. I think that will be very difficult for her and she needs some difficulty.

OMW told me she wouldn't want her H back now under any circumstances. However, she might enjoy busting up the A just to get even. She hates my WW and she should, after all I certainly hate her H. I did consider him a friend at one time by the way, we have known each other through work for several years.

Hurts, why would it "kill her" if you told her but not if the WW told her? huh? And why would you expect the WW to bust herself to her mother? That is unrealistic. Not only is it unrealistic, but if WW did chance to tell her, which is unlikely, she would only spin the story and your MIL would never get the straight story. Your W cannot be counted on to be truthful.

Why not just tell your FIL the truth and let him decide if his wife should be told? You need to tell at least him, Hurts. He can be a GREAT influence in all this. Just the fact that he KNOWS will put great pressure on the affair.

But trying to get a WS to bust herself is a fool's mission that leads nowhere.

The OMW might have been angry and felt hopeless when she said that. Affairs are very traumatic. But maybe if you gave her some hope, she might reconsider.

Just hung up with the OMW. We only spoke for a minute, she was moving some stuff. I guess that means they are procedeing with the sale of their house and the D. I mentioned MB and that it was a big help and she seemed interested. She promised to call me back later. Maybe I can make a friend yet.

I promise to call the FIL, but he has had a recent stroke and I am worried about his health too. However, if he asks I will tell him. And more importantly word of my call will get back to FWW and that will worry her. He and I are pretty close, so we can make talk pretty easily. I may dance around the details and keep his suspicions strong.

I am also writng a plan for myself. Do I share the plan details with the love of my life?

Good job on calling the OMW!

Hurts, don't play games with your FIL. Call him up and tell him the truth man to man. He is not a moron, he is a grown man with wisdom and experience. Pleaes don't treat him like a fool. You need his help and he has a RIGHT to know the truth.

Your W is hiding her sleazy affair and you shouldn't help her do that. An affair cannot survive the light of day and it is your job to shine that light on her secrets.

I wouldn't share any plan with your W right now. Your plan right now should be a strategy to bust up her little affair and she shouldn't be privy to that!

Hurt,

Few things.

1. You are in good hands with Mel and Pep. They are the best.
2. Listen to them. You earlier plans did not work, try what they advice you to do.
a. Stop rationalizing what you feel you should do when you are told otherwise. E.g., trying to avoid telling your MIL and FIL. Note you can always find reasons for not doing something. The question is what works? Your past experiences should tell you that relying on your feelings here is not a good guide.
3. Tell your MIL and FIL. They won't die from it.
4. Do not, never share your strategic plan to save your M with wife. Not at this time. SHE DOES NOT HAVE YOUR BEST INTEREST IN MIND AT THIS POINT.
5. Move to your own house and bed TODAY! Please do not warn her.
6. Read Gramm and Foundareason's sitches for more ideas on strategic plans, if not for how they act.

Best

I am going to leave and try to make a happy fourth for myself and by myself. I will ponder all the wonerful advice everyone has offered. I promise to call the FIL, I just want to think about it before I do. (Reason to not do it??) I have to come to my office to get on the web, so I will be gone for a while. I will update as soon as I have something to report.

Thanks again to all. You have lifted my spirits, I can do this. Have a good Independence Day!

Well I didn't get out the door and the phone rang. It was the WW and she is so mad that she only wants the D. I tried and begged her to give us a chance and she says she has no desire to make this thing work. Is that the fog talking or is she really done? I think I better hold off on moving back. That would be an explosion.

We talked about selling the house and getting her an apartment. Maybe that will be Plan B. I think I may have to give up on some of the hope I have been trying for. Nothing is final till it's final, but boy was she adamant.

Hurts, unless you start taking action here you really should give up hope. You need to start working on saving your marriage or it will be hopeless. She is saying all the classic crap that WS's say. We hear it on here every day. And they are all "adament." Don't pay it any mind.

Stick with your plan and move home. NOW. Call your FIL and expose the affair. No more discussion, no more begging.

What set her off during your phone conversation?

You do not promise to help her financially move out.... she chooses that she finances that.

Stop getting yourself dragged into the "divorce" conversation....

"I am not ready to discuss anything but marriage right now."

Stop allowing "divorce" planning.

Pep

Mel, Pep,

She actually called to tell me she would be gone if I was coming over to get some clothes. I had told her I would be. I hate when she leaves like that because she will be gone for several hours and I know that means they are together.

She was mad after my ourburst yesterday and that started the divorce dialog. As I said she has already filed and at this point says all she wants is to be single. She said she would like me to come over so we can go over the assets and decide how to split things up. Is this too part of the babble? It seems very real to me. Should I call her bluff? I think I will be single in very short order. You two are so savvy and I am so scared.

I did call the FIL. I didn't give all the details, but he knows. I told him that I was trying with everything I could to get her to come to her senses. We both became emotional, I think he will have a positive influence on her without further exposure. The OMW has yet to call me back. I will try her again tomorrow.

Don't give up on me, as I said I am scared. I know I need to take action, but every time she throws me a curve, I think I need to change the plan. You wonerful women are awfully dificult for me to understand.

You have a plan that you must stick with, Hurts. You can't let her crazy reactions and moods put you off your path.

Did you tell her father she was having an affair?

You should move back home TODAY. And you should not be willing to have any discussion whatsoever about divorce. You should not participate in any discussion over assets. Tell her you will talk about marriage, but will not talk about divorce. Do not help her run you off. Do not help her destroy your marriage.

See, she is like a person who is under the influence of alcohol and she is trying to make life changing decisions based on her warped emotions and ever changing moods. You shouldn't take her seriously right now, because as she sobers up and comes out from under this fantasy, this all will change.

So your first order of business is to interrupt this affair. Quit making it so easy for her.

I know you are scared. But ask yourself this: aren't you more scared of losing your W? Because that is where you are now headed unless you start fighting for your marriage.

But part of the reason you are so scared is because you feel hopeless. You feel hopeless because you don't know what to do and are afraid of her anger. You are missing glaring opportunities because of this. So, suck it up, my good friend, and walk into the fire. You will feel much much better about things once you face, and survive, this first challenge.

Just remember, you have to walk through the swamp to get out of the swamp. If you stand still you will die. So get walking, my friend.

Mel,

I didn't blurt out affair to the FIL. He is wise as you said and he knows what is going on. The MIL comes home from the hospital tomorrow, I will call again on Wednesday and tell the rest of the story. That way he will know what is going on before she goes to visit next weekend.

I will move home tomorrow after work. I have always told her when I would be coming over. Should I just surprise her? You called it right, I will be walking into a fire. Do I mention to her that I think her thinking is srewed up? I will pray for guidance on this one.

How do I handle her leaving to see the OM? She gets irate when I ask where she is going or where she has been. Do I just ignore it? I sure wish you could hold my hand for this.

Hurts, you wouldn't want me to go with you, I am part Irish and that means t.r.o.u.b.l.e.! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> But, I do wish I could hold your hand; it will be tough, but I know you can handle it. When you feel fear coming on, just acknowledge it and tell yourself that you are doing the right thing and refuse to be controlled by your fear!

I would not warn her, just go home and move into your bedroom. Tell her - lovingly - that you are coming home to work on your marriage and that you love her.

And don't tell her that her thinking is screwed up, that is a disrespectful judgement that will not help anything.

After you get moved back in and situated, we can discuss how to handle her forays with the OM. You have enough on your plate as it is.

And by all means, tell your FIL the straight story. He needs the FACTS. Ask him to talk to your W about it and help you save your marriage. He needs to tell her how very disappointed he is. That will put pressure on her affair by causing embarrassment.

Just keep telling yourself that it is much easier to handle her anger than a divorce. Just EXPECT her to be spitting mad for interfering with her affair and you won't be disappointed. Just don't react to her anger; don't let it scare you off. She is all huff and no puff. Her anger won't kill you.

Hurt,

There are no guarantees, but to have a chance in saving your M, you should listen to Pep and Mel.

I am very, very proud of you on how you are coming along. We are with you in spirit and prayers.

You are doing great. I am especially proud of your decision to return home tomorrow.

Thanks all.

I just got an e-mail from her. She had her blood pressure checked yesterday and it was higher than it has ever been, Of course this is because of the pressure I put on her Friday and Saturday, trying to make her understand how many people get hurt by what she is doing. I know, bad LB. Anyway this time I wrote back the following:

"I care very much about your health; I do love you as you well know. I will not be the cause of your ill feelings. I will not be confrontational; I have no intention of starting or participating in a fight with you. The simple answer to your health problems as well as mine is to get back to the loving caring relationship that we shared for so many years. I am committed to that effort. I will not fail."

I will be at my house tonight and I know it's going to be rough. But with all the encouragement from everyone, I am actually looking forward to it.

Well here I am in my house. Yes she went off like a Roman candle, blazing mad. She insists that I not even come in "her" bedroom. I am afraid she might get physical if I try to stay in our bed tonight. I'm probably better off in the guest room until she cools off.

I told her I was here to work on our marriage. She said "there is no marriage. I will never ever come back to you. I don't love you, I don't want you, I just want to end it. Go see a lawyer" (she already has). I told her that I knew deep in her heart that she knows I was a good husband and that she knows we were happy. I told her that saving my marriage was the only thing that mattered to me now. This is killing me, are we sure this is just the fog babble? I never thought the woman who has always been here for me could ever speak to anyone, much less me like that.

GOOD JOB!!!

You did damn good, Hurts, and I know it took enormous courage to do what you did. You made it past the major obstacle and proved that you can endure her anger.

Now, make yourself comfortable and practice NOT reacting to her anger. How about making her a nice little dinner tomorrow night? And renting a good movie?

WELCOME HOME, Hurts! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Wow, wow, wow!!! I am so proud of you. You did the right thing. Tomorrow, you can move into your room.

Your action will tell her that she can no longer control you and that you are serious about saving your marriage. Keep with the script.

You did great!!!

FOGHORN!! Don't pay it no mind. Remember, she is a stumbling, falling down drunk and you can't take her seriously.

Now, you just have to continue the last of your exposures. Next on your list should be a phone call to Daddy dearest to request that he have a "chat" with daughter and try to help you save your marriage. Please be sure and let her know you have had this little chat with Dad.