|
|
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 1,514
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 1,514 |
...an old Reba song: "falling out of love and back on your feet, turning away from that dead end street, and finding out that nothing feels as good as letting go."Had some major revelations today... must be the whole Independance Day thing... Look at me now as compared to a few months ago... I am up and out the door everyday... me and the kids, we go to the pool, we go skating, bowling, etc. I usually have extra kids in tow and that is ok. I am actually moving forward and feel as if I am letting go... Guess it was "time" anyway. Yes, my first choice would have been to save this M... and I tried!! Now I am at a point where things have been so blatant and "in your face" ugly that I know I can never really trust him again... I look at others here that are way along in recovery and yet they still trigger and have moments where they are thrust back in time... and many have not had to deal with a repeat offender who was so thorough with the deceit... I look at us and say "what is the point?" The truth is I do not want to live the rest of my life looking back and over my shoulder... feeling like that crazy lady from the early days checking, searching, *knowing* I was being played a fool AGAIN... How can I put myself back in that position again?? Why the hell would I WANT TO??!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Yes I love my H, but he has shown time and time again that he loves himself first and foremost and I am not even a distant second anymore... I am getting right for me, for my kids and for the life that I know that Christ has out there for me... I know that I am meant to be loved and cherished in a way that is equal to what I give out everyday. It is actually a really good feeling, this letting go, this stepping forward and shaking loose the restraints... Just thought I'd share for all of those who are struggling. Sometimes you win, sometimes you loose, and sometimes it is a wash for all the right reasons... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
BW, 33 WH 36
Md 14.5 yrs
DD13, DS11, DD4
Tired of counting d-days, D proceeding 7/05
"Pride can break a man right down from iron.
Twist him 'round 'round and tatter up a soul
Handprint of God on the small of my back
my second chance, my second chance.
I'll bend a knee my friend, I'll bend a knee...
Lay It Down say it's all my fault, all my fault.
Say I believe, I believe lay it down.
This the hour of my healing, of my healing,
yeah my heart, my heart redeemed."
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 1,514
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 1,514 |
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 2,885
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 2,885 |
Quote "The truth is I do not want to live the rest of my life looking back and over my shoulder... feeling like that crazy lady from the early days checking, searching, *knowing* I was being played a fool AGAIN."
How true. I really didn't like what his A turned me into. I quite like the 'old' me. Naive, foolish, unaware, happy. I hope I find her again. Sounds like you are doing really well. TT
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069 |
I agree with you completely. If feels good to have all of the sleaziness in the past. Of course our children are grown, so I don't have to have any contact at all. I don't miss it, or even think about him. There are too many good and uplifting things in my life now.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 3,342
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 3,342 |
TNT, I am so happy for you. I really am! You're right in that recovery is hard enough when our FWS is over the lies. I obviously am the poster girl for that. I am longing for the day that I feel free inside again, with or without H. I admire your strength and know you will get what you deserve one day. HUGS! CV
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 1,885
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 1,885 |
TNT...I feel the same way! I'm glad you are happy.
Just like my sig line says...
"Sometimes we have to hold our head high,blink back the tears and just say good-bye"
Last edited by TreeReich*; 07/04/05 01:37 PM.
Me 35
STBX 39
Dear son 9
Married...15 years (Jan. 20, 1990)
D-Day July 20, 2004.
Divorcing!
What goes around comes around
Sometimes we have to hold our head high, blink back the tears and say GOOD-BYE
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 1,514
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 1,514 |
Thx all!! And Tree... more than once I have thought about your quote lately!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I just can't anymore... I really meant it the first time, I really, really did! And I thought he meant it too, but to repeat the offense a whole 18 months later!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Not the smae woman, not the same situation... Serioulsy, above and beyond!! And up until that last d-day, and only briefly since, I truly believed that if he would only turn back to the M, to the Lord, to our family, then I could move forward. I have now realized that it is never going to be what I want it too be! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Too much, too little, too late! I am not counting anniversaries, I am not marking moments in "d-day hell" and I am not thinking and/or worrying about what he is doing... and I am SO much happier for it!!  Yes, I still see him alot cause of the kids, but there is a wall, a safety zone... and it doesn't hurt like it did... and I expect that over time I will feel less and less til it is all a distant, albeit painful, memory.
BW, 33 WH 36
Md 14.5 yrs
DD13, DS11, DD4
Tired of counting d-days, D proceeding 7/05
"Pride can break a man right down from iron.
Twist him 'round 'round and tatter up a soul
Handprint of God on the small of my back
my second chance, my second chance.
I'll bend a knee my friend, I'll bend a knee...
Lay It Down say it's all my fault, all my fault.
Say I believe, I believe lay it down.
This the hour of my healing, of my healing,
yeah my heart, my heart redeemed."
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 1,607
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 1,607 |
Great going, TNT!
You've taken actions and are Doing So much better.
Happy that your getting to a place of Finding at least some Peace in all this.
We know there are still Dark days ahead, but Your getting stronger and better able to cope with the "down" times week by week.
That bolds well for your eventual outcome.
Enjoy the Fireworks in the sky!
[They are soooo much better than the One's in our Homes!!]
Fooling people is serious business, but when you fool yourself it Becomes Fatal.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 1,514
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 1,514 |
Thx TR!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Yeah, I know, rather full of myself lately... It is an awakening of sorts... the new and improved Crissi! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
BW, 33 WH 36
Md 14.5 yrs
DD13, DS11, DD4
Tired of counting d-days, D proceeding 7/05
"Pride can break a man right down from iron.
Twist him 'round 'round and tatter up a soul
Handprint of God on the small of my back
my second chance, my second chance.
I'll bend a knee my friend, I'll bend a knee...
Lay It Down say it's all my fault, all my fault.
Say I believe, I believe lay it down.
This the hour of my healing, of my healing,
yeah my heart, my heart redeemed."
|
|
|
|
0 members (),
594
guests, and
60
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
