My dearest friends,
I have made a terrible mistake. I walked away from these forums, can't even remember when or how long ago it was. I am paying for it now. And perhaps I will walk away again as it seems my relationship is over this time.

You see, I let my WS back into my life after 3 months of not a word last summer. It was hit and miss all through fall and winter, with her still contacting OM and never moving back into our home completely.

After xmas I told her I was done and wanted out. She cried and told me she loved me, couldn't imagine life without me, and surprising to me she couldn't let me leave her.
She said she would do whatever it took to work on this with me. And so she proceeded to move some things back home. Though she never got rid of the apartment, never truly moved back in. And everytime I brought it up she would simply say she would next week, which turned to next week, etc...

I believe that she may have maintained nop contact with him for about a month. Then I began to feel insecure and then found texts. Confronted immediately every time, but she would convince to stick this out with her, that he didn't mean anything to her. I tried to throw her out a few times, and she fell apart everytime I did. Manipulating me to let her stay. I am a fool.

Long story short here, I had recently booked us a trip to an island. I thought we had a pretty good time, though I will admit there are those moments us BS's have that you just can't seem to let go and just enjoy life. Sometimes it's hard to have fun when you feel distance in your relationship. Nonetheless we were intimate every night while we were there.

When we got home she had to go on a business trip a few days later. She began to distance herself from me and then said she would be spending the weekend away to sort things out. I confronted her and said I had a bad feeling about this, and if it was over to just tell me. She assured me I was reading into it too much, that OM was not in the picture and she loved me. I simply said call me when you return and we'll talk then.

When she returned it was over. She had gone to see him as I suspected. And she wasted no time in telling me that she had again decided to be with him. Fourth time this has happened. She says he makes her happy and feel good about herself, and that she just doesn't feel she belongs here anymore. Said she spent the last months trying to get the feelings for me back, but they just weren't coming. We all know that's not possible while communicating with OM. She says there must be a reason she couldn't stop, and that must be love.

I felt there was nothing I could do at that point except let her walk away. I have heard she's with him right now, and they're planning to move to Denver. It's been a year and a half, and it seems so surreal that it could be happeneing.
The stupid part is, I still love her, I still believe that she is truly confused about many things, and I still want her to come home. The night we talked and she left we actually hugged and told each other we loved each other.

I have no idea what to do now, and I wouldn't blame anyone for not responding, as it seems I walked away from here long ago. I thought I had the knowledge to win this, and she hated the idea of these forums, so I stopped. What a mistake.

I wish there were something I could do to save this relationship once more, but it seems she has perhaps made up her mind this time.

After 18 years together, I feel so alone again. I lost my best friend, while she found another to replace me. I find myself writing her letters but not sending them. Wanting to say so many things but keeping my mouth shut.
She wrote to me that she would be getting some more things this weekend from the house. I guess this is it, but for some reason I try to believe other.

It seems this is another sad story of love lost. I don't know where to turn now. I am so alone.

Thanks for listening my old friends.

#1 ain't no such thing as being away "too long"! Many of us come and go here with the ebb and flow of our lives...

I am very sorry to hear of your recent developments, but take heart that there is life on the other side. I am now nearly a month into getting my own home with my children and walking away from a WH who did the same thing...back and forth. He was cake eating and fence sitting and I simply had enough of being used...

I have been there, the so alone, too.... there is life on the other side and I am starting to see that.

Get straight for you and your kids (if you have any) and move forward... this old dark place cannot hold you unless you let it. I, too, had an 18 yr relationship and nearly a 15 yr M to the father of my 3 lovely children... it sucks, but I can't wallow and drown anymore.

You are in my prayers Joe, I know where you are...

Hey joe, sorry to see you back here. I remember your situation and I remember thinking it wasn't over yet. If I were you, I would move onto Plan B and pack up all her stuff. Take back control of your life, as hard as that will be. And some day, if she ends her affair and you haven't moved on, maybe you could discuss reconciliation. But, you need to protect yourself from this unremitting heartbreak, Joe. This has gone on far too long and I think taking her back before the affair was over was detrimental to your mental health and your relationship.

You will live through this, Joe. I promise you, my friend.

Oh Joe, I'm sorry to hear from you under these circumstances...

You can;t lose her yet more by waiting a while so take time to rebuld your head and heart before deciding what to do.

Theres a whole lot of work needed if you want to try to get her back Joe. Exposure, plan A, Plan B.

Breathe and get well for whatever choice you make.

All blessings mate.

Thanks for the replies guys. It's good to hear from the very people who have been here for me, and so many others, in the past. It amazes me that everyone is still here, some still troubled, some continuing to help.

My main objective would be to get her home again, of course under much different boundaries this time. She had sworn to me OM was not even a consideration for her, just a few weeks ago.

When she comes to get her things this weekend I plan to have everything in tip top shape...clean house, neat yard, flowers on the table, etc.
I want her to see that I will move on and I will be fine. This time she'll see a strong and confident me, and maybe get a glimpse of what she's throwing away here.

It may not get her back right away, or at all for that matter, but at least it'll give her something to think about, and it will make me feel a whole lot better.

I am in a better place than the last time this happened, but it still hurts. I tried so hard to make it right. I really thought she was trying too. But the lies and deception...my God.

Thanks for the blessings and right back at you all.
Any other suggestions on how to get her thinking about us again would be greatly appreciated. It won't be long before she will actually go through with relocating, so I have to get her to second guess her decision soon. Or else I'll have to let her go and live with OM in hopes that she learns it is not better over there, and she made a terrible mistake. And hopefully that happens before I move on and meet someone of my own.

My friends have already started trying to fix me up. I am not ready yet, but I will be.

Joe,

I have only been on MB for about 6 months so I don't know your entire story but it sounds similiar to mine. My opinion is you have been through enough. Let her go - I know it is so hard but just let her go. Then move on with your life.

Letting her go is like pulling a band-aid off. You can do it slowly and make it hurt for a long time or just rip it off and suffer a shorter period of pain. Once you concentrate on you, and not her, you will start to feel better.

I loved my wife more than anyone in the world. But, at some point you just have to say enough is enough.

God Bless You....

Joe,

Did you notice that she had to get an OM fix in order to walk away? This means that the OM while he exercises somewhat of a strong influence doesn't have the endurance any good R needs.

That is to your advantage. What is not certain is not the longevity of her A but the endurance of your plan A. She is risking you moving forward so much that when she does decide to come back, you will be far gone to a much happier way of life.

Joe, she is counting on you being there when she tires of the OM. IMHO, don't be there.

Enact plan B immediately. Call Jennifer C @ MB for some emergency MCing. This is more for you than for her.

Besides, she is a WS and there is no teaching or saving a WS.

take care,
L.

my advice:

1. As Mel says, pack up all her stuff, so there is no time wasted at your house.

2. Give her a plan B letter on her way out and mean it.

3. Get counselling for yourself.

4. You can't continue to let yourself be abused like this.

5. Have a plan. Do not keep merely reacting to her and to your emotions. That has not gotten you anywhere so far, and will not get you anywhere in the future.

Best

Thanks for all the help guys. Had a busy day today at work, just going out to dinner now.

Orchid, you hit it right on the head. She kept telling me right to the last minute before she left for her trip that he wasn't in the picture and she loved me. But as soon as she came back her mind was instantly changed. Like a junkie getting a fix.

I just worked at her cousins house, she says that she tols my WS that this time I probably wouldn't take her back again. WS said she realizes that, but does she really believe it? I wonder. She is planning to move, but that might take a month or two. This will give her time to rethink her actions.

Any advice on how I should act? I planned on making everything around the house look clean and neat. Ya know, kinda show her what she's walking away from. Though she was just living here for 6 months, I still think this may have some effect on her.

Should I act happy as if I'm moving on, or angry? Any good suggestions much appreciated. Especially you girls, as you know what I can do to really get to her.

This has been goingh on too long, I feel abused, and she was so good at leading me to believe we were working it out. Everytime I tried to throw her out she fell apart. Her cousin even knew about this. It bothered her just months ago, to lose me that is, but now she says she no longer fears this. I don't believe that for a moment. What do you think?

I am prepared to let go this time, though that's obviously never what I wanted. Maybe that's the attitude that brings a WS back, only then it's too late. Who knows.

Thanks again all, and God Bless

Well, Joe. I'm sorry for your situation. I know it hurts unbelievably.

Wiser heads may come along and give you better advice.

I would say that you need to mentally divorce her. Don't try to influence her at all. Treat her as a stranger. Pack her stuff and have it stacked next to the door. Don't help her move it. Stand there and watch her move it - or be busy with something. Don't invite her in. Say something like (while glancing at your watch) "Oh, you're here. Here's your things. I've got to go soon, so try to be quick." Then go to the bedroom, close and lock the door, and get nicely dressed while she works up a sweat. Forget the flowers - or if you have some, be sure that you, nicely dressed, pick them up and take them to your car while she moves boxes. Then stand around and look impatient while she finishes. Don't tell her you love her, miss her, care about her, and certainly not that you'll always be there for her. Have somewhere to go as soon as she leaves. And if she doesn't show up when she says she will, be gone. Make sure you change the locks.

Oh, and get those D papers cooking.

Maybe she'll be back, but at this point, you are not well served by waiting for her - thinking about her - planning for her return etc. Look forward. Make plans without her. Live. She may, incidentally, find that attractive, but don't count on it.

-AD

Joe,
It sounds like you're leaning towards a plan A, to "show her what she's walking away from". That certainly sounds easier...in the short run. You said that your WW has been back 6 months now. While she might enjoy your flowers, etc, what's going to make any long term difference in her knowing what she may be leaving than what you've already been doing for the past 6 months? It sounds like you've already been doing a plan A. Has it changed her mind, her choices, her behaviors, to really commit to your marriage? While she may say that she "tried" to love you, to work things out over the past several months...what exactly did she DO to make things any different from her past actions within your marriage? Did you or she get individual or marital counseling?

IMHO, she does know what she's walking away from. She's walking away from a marriage that she believes she can return to if all else fails with the OM, or if she has an anxious moment..or panics...or starts falling apart. She appears to have already "practiced" that behavior and choice more than once. It appears that you have planned A more than once.

So, if your intent in continuing a plan A is to get her to realize what she's leaving, and stay...and commit to change and the marriage...I don't think that's going to happen. If your intent is to avoid losing any kind of contact with her, than a Plan A might work. Or not. She has stayed around off and on.

Only you can decide if the pain of shutting down all contact with her would be worse than having her in and out of your life. Obviously many of us struggle with that issue! If there was some easy answer I don't think we'd be here. If we could all do the "logical" thing and let go of a painful relationship, we probably wouldn't be here. But we humans don't seem to be built that way! We can't just turn our hearts off and on. If we could, I'm not sure how healthy that would be. Yet it leaves us vulnerable to a great deal of pain..while hoping for a miracle of sorts. And for me, it's hard to know when to give up hope...

I admire the fact that you put your ego aside and came back here for support. I hope that you can find an answer that will bring you some peace of mind.

I just meant to have fresh flowers for the kitchen table, not for her.

Yeah, I have plan A'd, plan B'd, and plan A'd again. Last summer was the plan B letter. 3 months of no contact with her, and then the first contact was an email about selling our house. I don't know what brought us together then.

It was very bumpy through fall, I caught her texting OM, and I know she flew off to see him at least once. That time I told her it was over again, figured plan B again, but somehow she managed to convince me she'd do anything to save us.

That's when I told her she needed to move in, write a nc letter, go to counseling, etc., all the things I learned here.

What happened, I don't know how, but she managed to evade all of these things the whole time. No letter, no counseling, and though she stayed here she never gave up the apartment. And when I confronted her on anything she would fall apart to the point of not even being able to go to work. I came home one day after work, after we had a discussion the night before and I asked her to leave, and she looked so terrible, almost like she was having a nervous breakdown, and my heart opened up and let her stay.

It seems I wasn't tough enough when I needed to be, and this has given her the time to strengthen her ties with OM?

Still, he lives in another state, which she plans on moving to but has said this before. But this fact has not enabled them to spend a great deal of time together.

I just want her to see that I am alright, and that what she is leaving is a strong and confident man. My only choice now is to let go and plan B, realizing that this just might be it.

This OM has left a wife and newborn to be with her. That's enough to show me the character of the man. He is setting my WS up just like he did with his wife, having her move to another state, away from friends and family, away from me, away from anything she's ever cared about.

And if anyone says anything against what she's doing, she runs faster.

She has believed I would be here for her to fall back on. She actually admitted to me how scared she was to lose me forever. But she says to me and others I have spoken to that talked to her, that she realizes I most likely wouldn't take her back after this last stunt. She seems ok with it right now, but is she? And when the time comes that she actually has to move, which I'm not sure when that is (hoping it takes a while), will she be able to go through with it.

Her sister has just had a child. Her cousin is due in two weeks. These are her closest friends, but she seems to have been manipulated away from her whole life by this OM. The only one who doesn't see this is her.

This is hard on me. I know it's been a long road for everyone here, we've all gone through it, that's why we're here. It's inevitable that everyone will experience heartake in their lives, sad but true. I feel my WS is going to feel this heartake just as she's thrust it upon me. That's what hurts too. I still love her, and I still want to protect her from that. Crazy huh?

The only thing my WS spouse can say for a reason is that I can't seem to let go and enjoy life. That's where I went wrong here. Yes, there were many times we went out and enjoyed ourselves, but also times when I couldn't feel free enough to let go because I knew she was still contacting OM. I t's hard to just enjoy yourself completely with someone you love while they're stabbing you in the back. It's hard to ignore. I guess she thought if we ignored the problem it would just go away. How untrue that was. But that's it, it seems she has more fun with OM, for now anyway. It doesn't seem reason enough to throw away 18 years, but who am I to say. And by the way, if you knew me, when I am comfortable I am the life of the party, I always was the center of attention, and my WS told me that she was actually jealous of that. So I can't make sense of anything anymore.

I want my life back, my life, and I'm going to take it.

I have written twice to WS about getting her things out of the house, by email. First time was last thursday, and then the next day I received a letter with some mail of mine that she had, it said she'd like to get more things the weekend after the 4'th. Said she'd call.

I hadn't heard from her so I emailed again earlier this evening, this time I was pretty adament about getting her stuff out of here so I could move on. Still no response. I even went as far to say "no more games, don't ignore me, I cannot let this drag out for too long, you wanted to leave so leave".

Why no response? What does anyone make of this? Anyone?

conflict avoidance? fear of losing the safety net? (my WH admitted this one) wants to be stubborn til the bitter end?

wish I could be more help, but that is all I have.

WS wrote back finally. She says she's "sorry I'm upset. She will come over sat. or sun. whatever I want". She said "just tell me what you want me to do. I'm really sorry, I hope you know how sorry I am that things didn't work out".

Anybody read into this and tell me what she might be feeling before I respond? She kept saying she was sorry, and didn't mean to ignore me. And is willing to do things my way. Is she just feeling bad for herself? Playing me again?

Sounds like more BS to me. Get that Plan B letter ready again.

Few points:

1. What is your plan? Why don't you have a plan?

2. Why have you not started working on a plan B letter?

3. Why are you trying to read too much into her words or actions, when she clearly is not reliable right now and does not have your best interest at heart?

4. Give her a time to pick up her stuff and have a plan B letter to give to her when she picks them up. We'd be glad to review a plan B letter for you.

5. At some point you have to decide that you are no longer going to be played anymore. He reply to you suggests she feel she can play you whenever she wants.

You're right, I don't have a plan, except maybe to walk away this time.
You see, this has been going on for 18 months.

I begged and pleaded, which got me nowhere. Then I found this wonderful site. I did a good plan A, which brought my WS back, for a while anyway.

Then I did plan B, with the letter and all. 3 months of total seperation. Then my WS came back to me again, but it was a bumpy few months of no real committment.

Then I told her I was through, that I couldn't handle the way it was going. She begged me not to leave her, said she couldn't let me go and couldn't imagine life without me. She said she would do whatever it took to work through this.

I layed down the rules, and the boundaries, and she moved back in 6 months ago. But she avoided getting rid of the apartment, never really committed to working it out.

I started finding texts again, all the same crap. And I tried to throw her out on 3 occasions, on which she completely broke down and convinced me to let her stay.

I knew things weren't exactly going smoothly, but I remained hopeful (naive) that she would eventually come to her senses. We booked a trip to the islands and had a great time. Then when we got back she distanced herself emotionally, and went on a business trip...which ended up with a weekend (or more?) with OM.

When she returned she stayed at the apartment and didn't even try to call me, I had to call her. That night she came over and we were through again.

The same foggy things I heard last summer again came from her mouth. "I don't feel I belong here anymore. I tried to get the feelings back but I can't. He makes me feel good about myself. I'm happy now, that's what matters and I wish you could be happy too. My heart is telling me to be with him. You'll find somebody wonderful because you're a wonderful guy, and I do love you but you can't give me what I want anymore, I've grown and changed in another direction."

Yep. All the same BS. I love when they say they've grown...yeah, into a liar, a cheater, a homewrecker, blah, blah, blah.

So, for me to write another plan B letter not only seems useless at this point, but it seems it will only make me look more foolish than I actually feel right now.

Strange part is, and I truly feel this in my heart, I really think she is confused and afraid to lose either part of her life, meaning me or OM. I truly believe she loves me and is making the biggest mistake of her life, our lives. But she is stubborn, and the more I push the more she runs. If she actually goes through with moving away to be with OM, all will definitely be lost.

What really gets me is to know that she could leave me, the one who has stood by her for 18 years and never gave up hope that we could make it through this, for this manipulative salesman that was willing to leave his wife of only 6 years and his first newborn child...his own flesh and blood...his first son. And he will move out of Az, to another state, which means he will hardly ever see this child. What kind of a man has an affair while his wife is pregnant, and walks away from her and the baby without even attempting to work on his marriage, to save his family.

It's a long story.

Joe, I would not advise doing Plan A all over again. You are way past that point.

Instead, I would move right to Plan B and cut off contact. NOW. See, I think her affair is in the death throes and if you shut the door it will die a quicker death.

And by Plan B, I mean send her a letter telling her you love her but you are ending all contact in order to protect yourself. Tell her that if she does ever truly end her affair to give you a call to see where you stand. But, in the meantime, you are moving on with your life and wish her the best. Just make it short and sweet. I think its important to convey to her that you are not sitting there with open arms while she leisurely explores her options.

And I want to emphasize something very important about Plan B. The point of Plan B is for you to DETACH from her. That is the point. Sometimes it has the effect of yanking them off the fence, but that cannot be the goal because there are no guarantees. See what I mean? So don't think I am suggesting Plan B as a tool to get her back. I am not. Even though it is your BEST BET in possibly getting her back, it is not the goal, nor is it a guarantee.

In order for you to move forward, you must detach from her. You don't have a choice. Your options are to stay in touch and watch her sleazy, hurtful affair up front and close or to detach.

I would also stick to your guns and insist she get all stuff out of your house now. Make sure she understands this door is closed. And get your locks changed. Be nice - but firm - when she moves out. Then hand her the Plan B letter.

See, this affair will most likely fizzle out in the near future. Like you pointed out, this is a man of low character. When the flash and infatuation wears off, she will see that. That will eventually come out. Right now she is infatuated with a feeling. That ain't going to last. I suspect its already on its last leg anyway. She sees what he is but she is addicted to the "feeling" he once gave her. But she probably can't find that feeling much anymore. Once she realizes that, the affair will quickly fall apart.

I think she is already realizing that the affair is a fantasy that is falling apart. This is why I am suggesting that you do a shortened version of a Plan B letter. She needs to fully understand that you are moving on and won't wait for her.