I found out 11 weeks ago. I do not know why it has taken me this long to post. My wife came to me and told me she had been having an affair with our best friends' husband. It was the last thing that I expected. I was devastated and have been on a roller coaster ever since. Her excuse was that she believed I wanted out of the marriage. The OM convinced her of this. I went down the classic line of begging and pleading. She had turned into a monster and was callous. I could do nothing to stop things.

Eventually after 5 weeks she decided to move out. We told a few friends and news spread thru the community. All our friends were shocked and she looked very bad. She was devastated by the reaction of the community and blames me. I had been speaking to his wife and we were both trying to save our marriages. I called the OM a week later and asked him why. He started back peddling and saying it was not what he wanted.

He convinced my wife not to move out because it was not convenient for him.
This was the first sign of things going wrong for them. I suggested a meeting to try and show how he was lying to my wife and his. I believe I exposed him but he had primed my wife and she believed him. I gave her the option of staying with no contact or leaving. She chose to stay, but only because he did not want her to leave as I later found out, but the lies continued and they continued talking. Eventually I asked her to leave when I found out. She called him and he decided he was not leaving his wife. He has sent emails where he begged her to leave me. She is devastated as he had painted this idyllic future for the 2 of them and exactly what I and her friends had warned her would happen, happened, and he is staying with his wife. He is very manipulative and has turned her totally against me.

I would still like things to work but I am struggling to cope because she will not talk about it. She just wants to carry on as though nothing has happened. I think this is her only way of coping. She is unable to face up to what she has done. We are seeing a therapist but it is only every 3 weeks. She refuses to go any more and does not even want to go. She was seeing 2 therapists on her own until recently but has now decided she does not want to see them. I think it is because she does not like what they are saying. We have 2 teenage daughters who have to witness this. Any help is welcome. I am a lot stronger now and am able to see things a lot clearer.

Rhodie, my advice and that is all it is, is my advice, is 1) ask her to leave unless she agrees to MC. I don't see how you guys can recover from this without professional help. 2) You leave (with kids) if she won't. 3) Continue to monitor her every move to see if NC is real. If you discover (again) that they are talking...again immediately move out or make her move out.

You can't put up with being a doormat. As I see it, it sounds like she might be waiting for the OM to come to his senses and leave his wife. She doesn't seem serious about working on the marriage and may just be using you until he comes around (so she thinks). A seperation would be a real wake up call to her. Demand MC or she needs to go until she agrees.

Sorry, I know this must be terribly painful for you. Unfortunately, drastic times call for drastic measures. It will be the hardest thing you ever have to do, but you may just have to do it.

Share here often. It is slow because of the holiday, but you'll get lots of suggestions.

God bless,
2

GHM2,

Thanks for the kind words. I am a bit trapped right now. She will not budge. I agree that it is likely that she is waiting to see if he makes contact. We are due to go to counselling in just over a week. She is quite happy to talk about anything other than us. If I try to talk she just starts screaming at me and goes right over the top.

I do not want to leave my girls. I am strong enough to take what she dishes out even though it does hurt. As long as I do not want to talk about what has happened she is OK. I just find it a bit difficult.

Rho

You absolutely do NOT leave. She can/must leave if she resumes C.

Plan A, plan A, plan A. But, np doormat, OK?

Rhodie,

I feel your pain. I'm going through it too... not the same circumstances, but similar enough, I suppose.

My wife also does not seem to feel remorse. She seems incapable of understanding the pain she's caused me. I discovered the extent of the affair by monitoring her computer and phone useage, so she's actually been pretty good about being honest and not contacting him. He's only tried to contact her once, so far as I know. He has a reason to fear me, since I've discovered the path to destroy his career and promised him I would unless he totally abstains from all contact with my wife.

My wife was truly mad at me for the first day after I came down like a hammer on the relationship... And then she realized that since her guy didn't attempt to contact her (to take her away from all her pain, of course), thereby risking his career, he didn't really love her as much as he had said, and my wife was devastated.

"Roller-coaster" is right. I'm committed to fighting for my marriage so long as there is a marriage to fight for, but sometimes I just feel totally used-up. I'm sure you know what I mean. I don't have advice to give you, but I did want you to know that you're not alone. I'll keep you in my prayers, please do the same for me.

Thanks HT4J and BG. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am not sure if she is in contact with him. I have been lied to so many times that it is impossible to know. How do I get her to move out? She was on her way but without OM support she did not. Now she just refuses to move. She will not be able to stay in the house if I move out. At the end of the day I would not leave her destitute but it will be very difficult financially to run 2 homes.

Has anyone got some advice on the kids. They do not want to go to a cousellor. I have spoken to the counsellor at school who has had a word with them. As far as I know they believe we are trying as that is what my wife told them. She subsequently continued contact and lies. Do I tell them the truth?

Thanks again for the replies!

Rho