Well, I have been reading a lot of everyone's posts the past couple of days. Have really been learning a lot! I need a bit of direction and help with a couple of things WH is saying(& feedback on some of my responses):

1 - WH: This is really difficult for me.(in reference to breaking it off completely with OW)
ME: Yeah, your right this is difficult.(I think I added "for me too" at the end)

2 - WH: Sometimes I want to work on our marriage and sometimes I don't.
ME: Yeah, me too.

O.k, those are the only ones I can remember where I had a decent response. I think there were others that I did well on, just can't remember what they were.

Here's where I need help:

1 - WH: I think I might always wonder in the back of my mind what could have been with OW.

2 - WH: If you don't believe one thing, please believe that I never meant to hurt you.

3 - WH: You'd be surprised at how OW realizes how wrong what happened is. She is encouraging me to work on our M.

4 - WH: If I don't make up my mind soon, I am going to alone.

O.k., that's enough for now......

WH said that his and OW's conversations now are all about ending Contact. WH said that OW said that was the best thing, but then WH wouldn't let it stop. OUCH.

Another OUCH: last week at MC, WH said that for a while he felt like he was betraying OW when he & I were together. Doesn't feel that way anymore.....

WH is now volunteering info about OW rather than me asking....

So, I'm holding my own for now with a minor emotional set-back on my part when WH told me something about OW. WH & I had a good day Saturday & I guess it's good to know that he has a hard time controlling himself when I am prancing around in my swimsuit!!

Thanks for reading and any responses!!

Kimberly
D-Day May 14th
Married 13 years
DS, age 5

Orchid: A reverse babble response c/b

BS: Yea, I've been wondering that also. BTW, what was it like? I mean, is she smelly? (insert whatever you are wondering). Remember to keep it casual and keeping it a bit humorous helps.


BS: Well, what would you do IF you meant to hurt me? Cuz if you didn't mean to hurt me, you sure did. Does that mean I have grinch in fear when you 'think you are doing something nice for me?'

The objective here is to show him his line of reasoning is bogus. Can't say it straight up but you can make your point in a round about way. One of the benefits of reverse babble.


BS: You know I have heard that is an OP tactic. Be kind then suck them in and once you are in her grip then her vemon comes out. Guess you never got that far, eh?

The object here is to let him know in no uncertain terms is his sitch unique and the OW isn't saintly by any means. It is a tactic and you know it.


BS: 1st logical thing you have said so far.

Here you want to agree but not explain. Leave 'em hanging.




Orchid: Yea, and most of the convo's are about you as the BS. See the WS & OP have no history. They sooo want memories but can't have them. Each place he goes to can trigger a former family memory or 2. The OW wants to replace it with her stench of a memory. Use this info to your advantage. Especially OWs try to get the WS to bad mouth their wives. Some Ws' try to fight it but against an aggrevisve OW, the WS has little chance. Most of them are putting in a skilled psycho Ow's hands and the OW knows it.

Now use this to your advantage.


Orchid: Yea, typical of a WS. That's how you know he is still one. Well he could easily feel that way again if any type of contact beging. I suggest you phrase your NC as 'communication' instead of phone calls or seeing her. The WS will play on any words to get your approval to see the OP.

Ex:

BS: How come you left the OW a voicemail? What happened no contact?

WS: Well I knew she wouldn't be around to answer her phone so I called when I could just leave a message. I didn't talk to her just like you said.

BS: Arrrgh....

NOTE: This is from a true life experience..... mine. Arrrrgh.......


Orchid: Yea, he is using it to appease his conscience. Make sure it is info you get when you want it not when he needs to unload. This tactic is what a WS does when recovery is happening and he/she needs an OP fix. Talking about the OP is a way of giving the A attention. Watch his eyes as he is telling you his story. See if he is getting any self gratification vs helping you heal.


Kim, so far you are doing fine. This reverse babble stuff takes practice. It's not like we are programmed to be this way. It is more of a protection manuever. Keep showing off you good side but don't give him all he wants when he is acting like a WS.

My motto: Plan A your spouse but plan B the WS.

take care,
L.

Orchid,

Thanks so Much!!! I have gone over your link a few times already on reverse babble. Your answers are great and were just what I needed.

I look forward to using your responses! I know I have thrown him off a few times already with some of my talk. The look on his face is enough to make me giggle inside.

Blessings!

Kim

Orchid,

I thought of another one that I didn't know how to respond:

WH: Yeah, I had a good time with you at ______( or doing _______). It was just like old times.

What do you say to that??

Thanks!

Kim

My WS said similar. He took the OW to Yosemite which used t/b our favorite place. Now it is one big trigger for me. How sad. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

So my response w/b something like:

WH: Yeah, I had a good time with you at ______( or doing _______). It was just like old times.

BS: Well I used to have a good time with you. Now it is harder. Glad someone had a nice time. It is hard for me.
I certainly would like to be able to enjoy myself again. How can you help me?


Why do I phrase it like this? Because the triggers and anxiety attacks can come at any time. It generally lessens with time but they still hit. For me I had a type of anxiety attack last night. The A has been over for almost 2 years. Yet, last night I felt like I was held captive, while I slept, the last d/d encounter played over in my head like a broken record. It just would not stop. See when the WS dropped us (son & I) at the airport so I could go visit my parents, he went straight to see the OW. I didn't know contact has resumed. About 3 days after I arrive, I get an e-mail from the OW. She just had to brag about her 'venture' with the WS. Well it was more like taking shots at me since what I later learned was he went to end it with her and her retaliation was to notify me they were together. According to him there was no sex but according to her there was. Who knows. The sex thing got old after awhile especially when I had seen pix of her where the sun don't shine and it wasn't pretty. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> In fact it was quite disgusting. She would send pixs of her body parts in his e-mail and I had access to it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

My point is that the WS or Xws has the responsibility to help the BS feel better. My H had to see me beat my pillow in myself and cry out in anguish. He tried to wake me and though I knew he was trying to wake me, I just couldn't break the trance. It was very weird. He asked me this morning about what happened and I told him. I know he feels bad but that is one of the bad after effects of the A. It doesn't happen often but it can and does happen. I find it is when I have severely stressed.

Reverse babble keeps me sane.

L.