I have read in some of the posts that MC is a big waste of money as long as WS still has contact with OP. I believe that MC has helped my WH and I up to a point, but am beginning to strongly agree with many here regarding Contact and MC. We seem to be at a stand-still and I know it is all b/c of the contact. We have another session tomorrow and I am considering letting it be known that until WH has NC at all I think the sessions should be suspended.

WH is welcome to go alone if he'd like to have our MC help him sort out his thoughts.

Any thoughts on this??

Thanks!!

Kimberly
D-Day May 14th
Married 13 years
DS, age 5

Excellent idea.
Complete waste of time and money if he is still actively engaged in an affair.

I agree, consider IC for you or WH or both of you...

Kim, I hate to sound like a broken record, but have you eposed this affair to the OWH yet? There is really no point in doing anything until that has been done.

Thanks for the responses....WH went to our session today alone. I called him this morning as I had mentioned it before and he took me up on it. Later this evening I asked if he thought the MC was helping & he said yes. I told him I was thinking of getting my own counselor. He said he thought it was best for us to keep doing what we were doing with the current counselor. I told him that as long as there was communication between him and OW that I didn't see what the point was. That he was still carrying on an A and we will not be able to build trust, etc as long as there was communication. I told him I felt very strongly about it.

I told him he could not "have" both of us. I did do all of this in a very loving, yet firm tone. Am proud of myself for not "whining", seeming needy, crying or yelling. Yay. And I was actually sitting in his lap through all of this, holding hands.

I told him that I believed in us, in what we had and I believed in him. He said some nice things to me and I felt the conversation was very productive. After we hugged and I let him know that DS and I needed him.

ML: I drove around for 1 hour last Friday night trying to find OW's house. I had two maps from the Internet with driving directions. I swear it's like one of the streets just does not exist. I drove up and down every freaking street in that subdivision. Yesterday I decided to find another site for a third set of directions. This map has some slightly different directions, SO if it's not raining tomorrow night I am going to drive out that way to see if I can at least locate the house. I located neighbors phone #'s and have been tempted to call.....that most likely would not be a good idea.......

Kim

I have mixed feelings about MC where NC is not in place.

My FWH and I went to MC right after Dday. And yes, he was still in C with the OW. And, at the time, it felt like a waste of time and $$.

But...after NC was established firmly, I found some old e-mails between FWH & OW writen during that time. In these e-mails he told the OW that the MC had advised him that continuing C with her was continuing the A, and that hefelt the MC was right.

Now, hadn't I already told him that? Of course. Would he agree with me? No.

But, coming from a MC gave it authority.

Understand that, I grew frustrated with what I perceived was a waste of time & $$, but, in reality, the MC's advice did make a dent in my H.

We quit MC. We found MB. I can tell you that you can do it without MC. And Melody is right. Exposure works.

I wish you the best of luck.

Thanks Healing! I am going to think about it a little more....I might go to IC with MC once more, but I don't know. We have been going I think since the second week of June. MC told WH today that I am the sane one. Hmmm.....

I printed out the EN's questionnaire and WH is familiar with this site(a wee bit familiar). Do you think it's too early to ask him to fill out a questionnaire??? I really believe in MB's ----- I know there is a plan here(& I know I need to expose...I'll keep working at it).

I am not trying to ignore everyone's advice on the exposure thing or make excuses. Please just be patient with my inabilty to read a map!!

Kim

Well if you say so...........but I have to be honest with you here..........you are sure finding an awful lot of road blocks to do this. As Ms Lane said, everything else you do is in all likelihood pointless if you haven't exposed. It is my biased opinion, that you should double and even triple your efforts at exposing. DO whatever it takes to expose.

I am gonna say this and please understand that I mean well.

but......... Stop the excuses. JUST DO IT !!

Sour..........

Kim,

To clarify: I think there is value in a MC, or an IC, even while contact persists. The value is that the counselor will present the truth to the WS. Some here say there is no use in talking to a WS still in contact with the OP. But, I disagree. The H who was faithful to you prior to the A is still in there somewhere. The problem lies in getting them to the point where they can fight through their addiction to the feelings engendered by the OP.

Plan A can do this. Exposure can do this. Plan B can do this.

But, again to clarify: What MC can NOT do while there is continued contact with the OP is address the issues in your M that led to the A. And, you have to do that to A-proof your M for the future.

Best of luck.

Definitely do the EN questionnaires.

Healing:

I don't think in the end the MC had anything at all with what happened in your situation. Even if it did, that would be a fluke, a mere coincidence. The poster has a better chance with using the plans and principles discussed here in "righting" the marriage then wasting money on MC with a contiuing cheating spouse.

YOu guys sometimes get overboard with this "addiction" BS. The WS KNOWS what they are doing, and if they want to really stop the betrayal and destruction it is usually not a MC session that does it.

Just my .02

LM,

I hear you loud and clear and thank for your post. I told ML that I wouldn't bring it back up until I had done the deed. She asked, so I am telling what I have tried. I guess I AM making excuses:
1 - I work full time, commuting an hour each way. OW lives 20 minutes away, 40 minutes with traffic. I have driven up there twice in the last week to look for the house. I have been unsuccessful in finding a phone #. The one listed is disconnected. I have spent countless hours searching on-line and have spent $$ with background searches.
2 - I don't want DS in the car with me when I am exposing. I don't have close friends who live nearby that I can leave DS with.
3 - I don't want to see OW at the house once I find it. I am trying to plan a time where I know she is not there.
4 - I don't want WH to figure out what I am trying to do. I am trying to be discreet.

Those are my excuses. What do I plan to do:
1 - Again, drive up there after everyone has gone to bed and locate the house. 2 - I know that OW most likely is not home Saturday mornings and the H might be home alone. I will see if DS can stay somewhere..... I am going to give it another shot then.

Healing: Thanks for your clarification. Much appreciated.

Kim

Just re-read my post.....I don't mean to come across unappreciative with advice. Hope I didn't.....I'm tired & frustrated........

I'm off to bed.

Kim

[quote Healing:

I don't think in the end the MC had anything at all with what happened in your situation. Even if it did, that would be a fluke, a mere coincidence. The poster has a better chance with using the plans and principles discussed here in "righting" the marriage then wasting money on MC with a contiuing cheating spouse.

YOu guys sometimes get overboard with this "addiction" BS. The WS KNOWS what they are doing, and if they want to really stop the betrayal and destruction it is usually not a MC session that does it.

Just my .02 [/quote]

LM,

Not disagreeing with you. After all, we did quit MC, primarily b/c I felt it was a waster of time and $$.

However, I think that counseling, in general, is of value, whether to a cheating spouse still in contact, or repentant former cheating spouse newly in NC.

Simply having an objective third party state, "Your continuing to call OW is an extension/continuiation of the A", is of value.

In our case, the MC told my FWH that in an IC session. We went a total of 8 times, combination of IC for each of us and MC visits for the two of us together.

And, again, as I stated in my post, no work on the M can be accomplished until NC is in place.

But, as we all know, some of us more painfully than others, NC does not always 'take' right away.