I was involved in a six month affair with a married man. It has been a year since the affair ended; there has been no contact. I have no intentions of resuming contact with him. I feel deep guilt over the pain I caused everyone, my husband, my children, his wife, his children. Recovery has not been easy. I have had many dreams where I speak to the other man's wife and apologize for the pain I caused. I am thinking of writing the other man's wife a letter of apology to acknowledge the pain and anxiety I helped to cause and to apologize for being a snake in her life and her home.

Is this a good idea? Would I cause more pain to her, the BS? As a BS, would it help you to receive a letter like this a year later? My husband says it would help her with closure.

I do not want to cause her anymore pain. I really feel like I owe her a letter expressing my apologies, not for myself, not to make me feel better. If it will cause her more grief I wont't do it, that's why I'm asking for everyone's wise advice.

Thank you for your replies.

unfortunatly, as a bs i wouldnt believe a word of it. if its been a year---i would just let it go...getting this may trigger a whole host of issues for her and him. leave her be and let her heal on her own...get your forgiveness from god and take what you learned and live a more moral and just life in the future....

Let it go.

Your words facilitated her heartbreak, why should your words now mean anything good ?

If MM W is anything like me with the OM in my sit, she will hate you , and wish you ill until the day she dies apology note or not.

You will have to live with that possibility as a consequnce of your choices.

If OM sent me such a note I would seek him out and ram it up his [censored]. Thats not metaphorical by the way. Physical.

It is to your credit that you feel remorse but you must deal with it in a way that does not involve MMs W.

All blessings.

I've got to agree with the other posters here...don't contact either of them.

Trust me, she would never believe that your intentions for contacting her weren't tied in some way to a desire to restart the affair.

If you really feel that it would help, I'd suggest writing the letter/email...and then destroying it. Don't send it.

She'll be more comforted in knowing that the affair is dead and ended than by any apology she could receive.

In my mind the xow is such a disgusting excuse for a human being that any letter I would get would take me back to that horrible time. I too would look at it as a means to weasel herself back into our lives.

If it is important to you to help those that you've hurt, how about writing a letter to the editor of your town and express your remorse about hurting innocent people. Warn others of the pitfalls and destruction that comes about when getting involved with people already committed to another. Speak in generalities so as not to expose or do further damage and request that your name be omitted. You never know what other families may be spared this nightmare.

hmmm.... I can only speak for MY situation. I believe at some point in my life I am going to have to forgive the OW for what she has done so I can completely put it away in my mind and move completely beyond. Just as I have to forgive my H. Now, FOR ME, if she were to write me a letter, even a year later, and tell me she was truly remorseful for what she had done, FOR ME it would help me to forgive her quicker. I would/will never be her friend, I want nothing to do with her, I want her to have no contact with my family. She can show me she is remorseful by staying the h*ll away from my H too. But, I have actually made the statement to others that I feel she OWES me an apology for what she has done to me and my children. See, I do not know if ow is remorseful for or not. I do know she and her H went to counseling for a while and really tried to make things work in their marriage. I have to believe she knew what she did was wrong if they went to counseling. But, she is leaving her H again anyway, don't know why, so I don't know.....

That is just my take. I am not saying you should do it. There may not be a lot of BS's out there who see things from my point of view so...... mlhb

Sweetie, write it for yourself, then put it away. Sending it to OMW will only dredge up hurt and horror, and if you are truly sorry you'll think of HER first and not yourself.

(HUGS)

- Kimmy

As a BS, I don't think ANY contact with FOM/FOW for any reason would be a good thing.

Georgia