I was wondering when is it the right time to date again. Marriage is over, just waiting on paper work to get done. H has moved on to dating and tells me I should do the same. He points out ever chance he gets that we are not getting back together and this is over. It has has been a lonely couple of years. He has only been gone 3 wks., but over the course of the yr. there has been no emoitional need of mine met by H. I did my thing and he did his. I'm so ready for someone to hold my hand or to tell they had fun with me or just spend some one on one time with that does not include kids. I'm tired of being by myself and doing things myself. I want adult converstation. Went out last night with D and her her boyfreind to watch fire works and met up with D freinds and her dad, then went back to their place and had a fire and shot off more fire works, it was fun, but is it to soon to date, he wanted to know about my marriage and if it was over. I want to do things right with this man, but don't know what is the right thing to do. Some input would be nice from those of you that may be in the same boat. Thanks so much.

I don't know if I can offer any advice, but I can tell you what I'm feeling.

People here offer much advice on taking things slowly, and healing completely before getting into another relationship. I agree. Am I following their advice? Well, sorta. D has only been final a few months, but we have been apart almost 2 years. I dated one guy a few times, and now am smitten with a second, that I anticipate COULD possibly be long term. Am I ready? Who knows, but i"m enjoying the ride. I realize that he also is possibly not ready, as he is still going through the D process, which also bothers me some, but I"m REALLY enjoying my time with this guy.

So what's my point? Not sure, really, maybe just letting you know that not everybody can or does follow the "rules" of post divorce dating. One of the reasons that I really like this guy is what you were mentioning: we do things together, he helps me with "man" chores, and treats me like a lady. I miss all those things that come with being a "couple" and I'm getting some of that from him. I am also trying to think with my head and not let my emotions get the best of me. Not completely successful, ha ha.

Maybe you can spend sometime with this man WITH your kids, and do some casual activity that would not seem like a date.I know you want "grownup" time, but maybe it IS too soon for that. My first two "dates" with my guy were at my house with all our kids playing in the creek while he helped me doctor a hurt horse. It was nice because there were no expectations related to dating, and I could see parenting style and all that, too.

I don't know if I helped at all, or just rambled about myself, but I know it helps me to read about others' experiences.

cm

My normal answer to this question is to wait. Many books say at year for every six years you were married. I also always say to take time to heal and grieve the loss of your marriage before venturing out into the dating world. Ohhh and I usually also say to wait until you're no longer lonely (i.e. needy) before venturing out.

But the fact is that there is no clear cut answers. I do believe that all that I mentioned above is best and provides the best opportunity for later dating success. I, myself, waited over 3 years. As I see it there are a couple of options:

1. Wait and do all these things as have been suggested.

2. Date with full knowledge that anyone you date is a "through-a-way". But still, have some fun while continueing to work through your issues because recognize them or not, nature will not let you forgo the grieving process.

3. Seriously date now. If you haven't taken time to heal issue's will arise. I will caution you that healing during a relationship is hard on you and your partner.

4. Substitute another partner for the emptiness left by the end of your marriage. This is the worst one, imho, and almost always leads to atleast one person getting their heart broken. And when that substitute falls by the wayside, guess what, now instead of only grieving the loss of your marriage, you are also left to grieve the loss of the new relationship.

One of the major reasons it is said to wait is because shortly after a break-up and until you've healed, typically you are not in a "healthy" mental state. Therefor, what you see as a healthy relationship is relative to where you are at in the healing process. So entering into what you believe to be a great relationship too soon, will be looked upon very differently as you continue through the process.

I've been on this site long enough to watch many people continue to hurt themselves and others by venturing out too early. I've heard people say "I'm in the heathiest relationship I've ever been in" when dating too early, which may be true, but again once they did heal and looked at that relationship through healthy eye's, they were amazed at what they were settling for....

People on this forum pretty much seem to agree you should wait until the D is final. That's what I'm doing - but I should clarify that there is no great virtue in that for me. I'm not tempted to see anyone, so I am not having to put my money where my mouth is.

However, I know I don't want to question - even in my own mind - whether I violated the marriage vows. Even if the M is over - the vows are still there until D do us part. So to speak.

Marriage is over, just waiting on paper work to get done.
Wait until the marriage is actually over (not on the way to being over).

I have a suggestion which will help.
Instead of starting a new thread every time you have something to say, you need to view and respond to your previous posts.
This will help people to know your story a bit more.

[quote]4. Substitute another partner for the emptiness left by the end of your marriage. This is the worst one, imho, and almost always leads to atleast one person getting their heart broken. And when that substitute falls by the wayside, guess what, now instead of only grieving the loss of your marriage, you are also left to grieve the loss of the new relationship.


I agree with what Reborn has said from personal experience.

I broke this rule by getting involved with a wonderful guy before my divorce was final. My marriage was very over and there were no hopes of reconciliation. However, it was not a smart move and one that I have regretted.

I felt shame pretty much entire time, for being with someone other than my husband, even though the marriage was over. It put a strain on the new relationship that I had.

I found that I couldn't commit to this guy. Not for being with or dating others, but for the fact that I felt that I shoulde, or had the need to.

The time I had with this guy was wonderful, it has recently ended, and the pain that I have went through and continue to go through is very real and painful.

I never fully healed from my divorce before getting involved with someone new.
It is double the heartache if this happens.

My x has gotten remarried just in May. I feel that I'm okay with that part now, although it has taken me 1.5 years to say that. I don't like that I'm divorced, but I have accepted it and realize given the circumstances, it's best this way.

As far as the guy, I have to tell you, it's very hard.

What ever your decision to do is, just be careful. Your heart is still healing, and it does take some time.

Best Wishes,
Karona

(((Karona)))

Thank you for sharing that. That is a story that needs to be heard, that's a common reality and I'm glad that you shared.

I have a dear friend on these boards who has a similar story. She too got involved early and then had to deal with double loss when that relationship ended.

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry LostHusband, I just saw that I messed up and gave Reborn the credit for the quote.

Please forgive me. I was at work, and had to post on this because of my very recent experience with this particular subject. I think I was in such a hurry, that mentioned the wrong person.

I'm sorry for your friend, I may or may not know her story, but I know her pain, deeply.

I'm very sorry again, I hope you weren't angry when you saw what I did.

And thank you for being kind to me on the subject. I truly appreciate it!

Karona

Hehehehe...

Thats OK Karona...It is pretty close to what I said before...he put it better though.

She credited me LostHusband...it's mine now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Awwwww...... Those lesson's learned with hard faught experience I gladly yield to you..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I say do whatever you think is right for you dakotax2.
I'm not offically divorced yet but admit I have been on a few dates. Just friends but it feels nice to be interested in. I personally think it helps me to heal. Now, as far as getting involved with someone while I'm still married.....NO!!!! Just be careful and do what you think is right for you!

Reborn, I think I automatically gave you credit because it sounded so you.

Sorry again LH.

Karona

In my experience, dating too soon can definitely turn out to be bad.

In my case, I probably ended up really hurting someone, and I really regret that. The relationship wouldn't have been anywhere near ideal in the long run and there were all kinds of enormous red flags, but I was blinded to them (or ignored them) due to my not so healthy emoitional state. (Of course at the time, I didn't see that I was not so healthy)...

However, later on, I had an extremely positive experience, and it began prior to the final papers being in my hand.