Dear Faith,

Take a moment - breath.

I'm sorry I SHOCKED you.

General question - What is the harm in thinking before acting?

We, you and I, have limited info on Caster's heart wrenching situation. How can we, with clear conscience, recommend something that WOULD BE life altering with our limited version of events.

The man needs help, obviously. Shouldn't someone qualified try to determine if he is helpable before throwing his life away?


Who said "...helped RATHER than reported..." ? There are many avenues of escalation here - contacting the police being the last. Shouldn't we, at least, think about the interests of ALL parties involved before we act? If it's in Caster's best interest, AFTER all options have been considered and discussed, then Police can still be called. There are always options.

Peace friend,

AbraKaPokus

[added the "Levels of escalation" comment]

If I were the police answering this kind of call I could not assume that the 'evidence' belonged to the male of the house simply because the female of the house says so.

How easy would it be to set up some poor sap with that?

I would think they would confiscate the evidence and have a ton of questions for the both of them.

Abrakapokus, Thank you, I have been trying to get this point across. Some people here have this guy as a known child molester. It Shockes me that we still live in an age of Witch burning.

Since I am no longer able to stomach this, you speak for those of us that believe in due process rather than jumping to ruin a mans life without all the facts.

If in the end, he is found to be this way, well, let justice find its way. but, a person should be able to speak for himself. My heart goes out to Caster. Child porn is wrong on every level. But the whole story is not told here and for people to jump to conclusions is way wrong.

Thank you for your refreshing view. and I hope Caster can follow up under your guidelines.

Abra,I have personally lost count of the number of posters I have responded to who found themselves in situations brought on by their own spouses illegal and immoral actions. I'm talking about victims of spousal abuse, carefully planned citizenship fraud (USA), bigamy, closeted homosexuality, deviancy ect. These people were in over their heads and reaching out for help. Most of them quickly fell off the face of the earth/forum after reading the replies to their situations.

The most important point that Chaster should take from the replies on THIS thread is that it is IMPERATIVE that she get third party help.

She is barely out of her teens, three months postpartum to boot and married to a MUCH older man who is a practicing BDSM devotee. She has not answered as to her role in the play (I would be very surprised if she is the dominant) but the bottom line is that this girl is obviously at a severe disadvantage to deal with this crisis alone, and YES it is a CRISIS!

I have my doubts as to her return to this thread, (I hope I am wrong) but hopefully the message will be loud and clear: get help anyway possible. For us to quibble about what type of help this should be is of no use to her, she is not in a position to determine what to do on her own. You can call it a type of "fog" if you will. I'm sure her H will have no trouble making it thicker after she confronts him.

Abra, it sounds reasonable to say "consider the interests of all parties" but in this case the interests of two of the parties (mother and daughter) must be considered FIRST. Obviously the man has broken the law, the question is how far has/will he go in his lawbreaking. This is something that must be determined by professionals and yeah, that probably is going to include cops at some point. As Bramble Rose said earlier, those are the consequenses. I'll add, those are the FACTS. KB

Chaster: sorry to talk about you in third person and maybe what I said makes you mad, but if it does...come right back at me. I married a Swengali myself first time around, so I understand the submissive stance. Please do post again, people are concerned about you and baby, no matter what position they take on what you should do. Don't be a stranger. KB

KB, you are a voice of reason. Chaster, please let us know how you are.

Good points KB.

Let's look at what we DO know are the facts:

Chaster is 100% sure the disc containing child pornography belongs to her husband.

Posession of child pornography is ILLEGAL.

Chaster is now aware of illegal material in her home, which she knows to be her husband's.

I don't see any gray area here.

Can anyone give me a plausible or logical explanation as to why a man would be in posession of a disc containing illegal subject matter - child pornography that is not illegal?

I am so concerned for Chaster. I am worried for her and what could be taking place right now, as we speak. What a nightmare.

And BTW, the man may or may not be a child molester, but, from my limited knowledge on the subject, most child molesters start out with child porn and move on to action at a later date, and most if not all child molesters have an addiction to child porn. Those are things that were said by a an "ex" child molester who is now an activist/educator regarding the issue.

How is this a fact? Because she says so? She may be sure that it's not hers...but that doesn't automatically make it his.

Yeah....pull this leg and it plays jingle bells. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> THERE IS NO CONCEIVABLE REASON THAT CHILD PORNOGRAPHY SHOULD BE IN THE HOUSE IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM.

Get f-ing real and stop the GD rationalizations. This is disgusting. Are you saying that a "reasonable" person would conclude that this child porn is not the original posters husbands?

Call the police RIGHT NOW and get that piece of excrement away from the family.

The rationalizations about all of this are blowing me away. Yeah, and OJ didn't do it either......... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Uyyyyy Veeeeyyy.

Sour...............

lemonman,

Pull your reasonable head out of your posterior and understand that there are no facts here...just assumptions. Reasonable or otherwise.

Ba:

Come on.........irregardless of FACTS, the seriousness of this SHOULD NOT be underplayed and the mere FACT that there is child porn IN THE HOUSE is enough "evidence" to bring in a higher authority. Yes, this should be fully invesitgated, but right now, there is already ENOUGH EVIDENCE to pursue this with the law, because a LAW has been broken, and right now the PRESUMPTION of evidence is on the original poster and her husband for harboring this filth. For anyone else to say differently, I say.....


Uyyyyy Veyyyyy...........may the big guy upstairs bless your soul.

Sour...............

I agree. No where did I disagree with this. You assumed that I did. There is a huge difference between facts and assumptions. That's all I was pointing out.

Chaster-

Oh hon, I am so sorry that this is happening to you, it must seem like your world is coming apart.

You are not to blame for what your husband has on his computer.

It's about defending children....the children who are forced into child pornography, and protecting your own child.

If your husband has a taste for that sort of thing, then it is unsafe for your child, or any child for that matter to be around him.

I can't think of a any valid reason to have such material, and as another poster said...it is illegal to even have something like that in one's possession, and you live in the house too, and since you found it, you now know about it and would be considered an accessory if you didn't do something about it.

I think you should definitely go hide those disks somewhere safe, confront your husband and tell him that he has to seek IMMEDIATE help (i.e. inpatient psych treatment) and you really do need to turn the disks over to the police, these are innocent children we're talking about here, and perhaps your disks might lead to them catching someone, and even if 1 child is saved from this nightmare it would be worth it.

I'll pray for you,

-Caren

Thank you lemonman!

Everything we read and give advice about on this board is based on what a poster tells us, and obviously we have no way of knowing what the hard facts are except what they tell us! So, we have no choice but to post to chaster as if what she were saying is true.

What are the real possible scenarios for him having it other than for his use?

- He is keeping it for a friend - hahahahahaha! Kind of like the teenager that says the pot in his backpack is just a "friends"! Even if that were a sane explanation, if he has friends like that and is willing to hold that stuff for them....ugghh...

- He found it on a friend or co-worker's computer and copied the images onto his own personal disc to hide in his desk at his home so he could turn in the evidence to the police. OK, who REALLY thinks that is a good explanation?

Anyone care to give any more explanations or rationalizations or justifications?

Oh also, wanted to comment about the S and M thing, that should have no bearing on anything, what 2 consenting adults do in the privacy of their own home is their business.

-Caren

I 100% agree.

I don't even know if I should be posting this because I hate adding to hysteria, I hate it when people make assumptions, I hate it when people post about topics they know nothing of....BUT: it took me a very long time to locate that FBI paper and in the course of my research I stumbled across a discussion of the Mark/Lori Hacking story. Apparently she found child porn on his computer and the thought was that it may have lead to her death. I am unfamiliar with the outcome of that story and was trying to find something to help Chaster understand what she may be up against.

I am kicking myself now for not cautioning her earlier to have someone else present when she confronted him. I didn't even think of it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Granted, it is a worse case scenario but one that at the very least I should have mentioned. I am not feeling real good about this right now, just wanted to get it off my chest I guess.

Chaster: please check in tonight or tomorrow, to let us know how it went with your husband. Even if you decide to leave this forum because it's hard to deal, please at least pop in so that we know you are okay. Your sitch tugs at a lot of heartstrings! KB

Anyone care to give any more explanations or rationalizations or justifications?

I imagine that she will get the classic "I have never seen that before in my life, I have no idea how it got there".

I think that refers to prepaid phone cards in a wallet...condoms (while the wife is pregnant) in the wallet...a woman's name and phone number in a wallet....well, you get my drift. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I cannot say what I would do in this situation. Not because I don't know what is right...but because the scenario is so outrageous in my own life and mind that I cannot even begin to grasp it. I cannot even think past finding that filth to what would happen after I found it. I think I would be so dumbstruck...and literally blind... to the point of all organs and limbs shutting down resulting in permanent and total paralysis for the rest of my life. Make sense?

committed

Caren, you are right about the BDSM being generally irrelevant, HOWEVER when a man in his thirties marries a much younger woman, in this case she was most likely still a teenager (married a year, is 20 now) the dominant/submisive factor does become somewhat pertinant to the issue. HE is most likely the dominant in the relationship and their sexual preferences would be a non-issue except now we are discussing him hiding child porn from her.

If you recall she confronted him about adult porn (hiding that is) and he cleaned up the computer so well she has been able to detect nothing. The child porn she found is on disk. In a adult/child sexual sitch the adult is obviously the dominant so the possesion of child porn (FELONY) in the form of something she was not likely to detect, does actually speak to his bent. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I agree with you, but I think what Caren was saying is that any type of sexual activity that happens between two CONSENTING adults should NOT play a role in what we say is immoral. Many couples may engage in sexual act (anal sex, threesomes, fetishes, whatever) and while we may not necessarily agree with those acts, we should NOT be judges of their character of morality because of their preferences.

Whether or not they are into BDSM, is irrelevant here, for the simple fact that once it was revealed that their was CHILD PORN on the computer, there is no need to go into furhter acts of the couple here. The original poster becomes JSUT AS GUILTY if she hides the fact that this is in her house. While the BDSM may provide a "bent" on the behavior, it has long stopped being a factor IMO.

I think we all agree here, we are just saying the same things differently.

Sour..............

The power of MB is that it takes people in seemly hopeless situations and gives them a purpose, plan, goal. MB principles don’t fully apply to this situation, but it is still valuable to have goals and a plan for achieving them.

What are the goals here?

1) Protection of Chaster and child.

2) Help Husband.

3) Protect other kids from molestation.

4) Punish Husband.

5) Others ?

Number 1,2, and 3 are the most important. Some people seem hung up on 4, which is fine, but ask yourself, through 4, do we get closer to achieving 1, 2, and 3?.

Absolutely, a trusted third party must be involved – a professional; a doctor, counsellor, lawyer for the information gathering. It has to be determined IF 1, 2 and 3 CAN be achieved.

FACTS?!?! People, we have what 50%?,20%? 5%? (we don’t know what %)of the facts. Yes, there is no valid reason I can think of to have child porn, but shouldn’t she at least hear his reason. Are we saying there are no possible “what if’s” in this situation?

I’ll say this again, I’m not saying don’t call the police, I’m saying don’t call them first. What if this was his only time looking at child porn? Is that OK – NO, but wouldn’t it be best (achieve 1,2, and 3) if the husband could see he has a support network available for his problem,get medical help for this addiction (if that’s what it is) and be a loving father and husband. What is the harm in getting professional help FIRST and actually finding out some more FACTS?

What does calling the police FIRST achieve? 1, yes ,short term, but are they going to lock him up forevermore? Of course not. He’d probably be released that same day. Then what? Are you better or worse off than you are right now? Worse I’d argue. The Criminal Justice System, at best, will make counsellors available to the incarcerated (2), but the recidivism rate for people once they’re within prison is very high. How does this achieve anything LONG TERM?

If you agree with the goals above, I don’t see how the criminal justice system plays an initial role in Chaster’s situation. Third party help, and intervention, yes, definitely.

AbraKaPokus