okay, i'm on my wit's edge here. I've gone from tears to frustration to exhaustion - how am I supposed to do this!?

After talking to the W last night - it became appear to me that she wants to work things out; but she doubts that she will "ever feel that way again" she says "the damage is irreversible" I looked her directly in the eyes and poured my heart out to her; not by crying, but by sternly talking and apologizing for the things I've done wrong. I know I've changed; and I'm sitting here trying to find numbers to get transcripts so I can start the transferring process - I told her I would do anything in order to secure our relationship; but I can't get the *** numbers - I can't get the transcripts because she has our car and my *** high school's offices are closed for the summer!? WTF!!!!!

I'm about to have a breakdown - I'm trying to hard to do all of these things and be strong at the same time; but having my heart torn back and forth with while trying to undertake all of these things emotionally, spiritually, and physically is beginning to rip me apart I don't feel healthy. She wants me around; yet she ignores me - then she kisses me, telling me she still cares but not in that way; God, I feel like a [censored] pinball and I'm about to explode. I need to vent more, hence this message; but I just don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore with this situation. What the hell is more important; my school or my marriage? I can transfer somewhere else but I won't get the best schooling for my program that I am now - however, if I go back to school the odds of my relationship mending are what...zero? Why is she doing this? Why is it so hard to realize how sincerely sorry someone is - I realize I hurt her - but does she think she's never hurt me? God, I love her so much; I'm changing so much; but how will it even matter if she refuses to see it? I'm glad I'm changing for myself; that is the most important thing in this situation - but God, why can't she just SEE that I'm serious!? I'm putting myself through hell for her because I care; UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Fox,

Will post on your main thread to keep all this together for you.

NCW

i dont even know which one to bump - my marriage issues have become mixed up with my testimony. All i know is that I don't know what the hell to do - I'm so stressed out; I simply can't be cheerful around her when she doesn't show emotion for me - I CANT its that simple. I try so *** hard, but it rips me apart knowing that she doesn't care about me. How am I supposed to be cheerful and "the old guy i was" when that's happening - I feel like there is a soul-sucking leech ripping at my insides everytime I try to be there for her in person. I can't fake it when I'm around her - she is destroying my heart. How am I supposed to be there for her and us when this is happening? She always asks me, "Whats wrong?" ....How can you even ask that? I'm trying with everything I *** have to be strong in this - but how I am ever supposed to make her happy when being around her is making me so incredibly sad!!?!?!? I love her to death; and its that lack of emotion inside her that's killing me.

Not to mention - mix in the UNHUMAN amount of guilt that is mutilating me inside everytime I stop and look at her lack of love for me and think - wow....I *** caused that. I damaged the best thing to ever happen to me because I was a *** idiot? That makes me even more depressed...yet I'm supposed to be "Joyful and happy!" How!?

Everytime yesterday that I found myself being wallowed up in sadness I found a quiet place and prayed, I BEGGED for God to give me the strength; and in the end I ended up getting all depressed again - and now I'm sitting here wondering if I can even do this? Maybe I'm not a man after all...if I was a man I'd buck up and push through this [censored] - not get wallowed down in despair and uncertainty. I can't even walk on my own two feet anymore.

Maybe it is today. I broke down and cried in front of her last night, basically begging her to come back. You are saying the exact same things that I am. I feel INCREDIBLY guilty that I screwed up this marriage. I want one more chance. Today is a BAAADDDD day. And it is WWs 29th birthday at that. I am married to Jekyyl and Hyde. One minute she is talking about camping with our freinds later this summer. The next she is telling me I need to give up. I HATE this right now.

How am I supposed to be strong when I have this guilt cramming me into the ground!? Seeing the girl that wanted your kids; who gave her life and soul and dreams to you look at you with an empty look in her heart and eyes tears a guy's soul out. I can't!!!!!!!!

It honestly feels like I killed my wife....do you know what that feels like inside?!

I know exactly what that feels like.

But then I stop and think about these things and know that some of them were caused by her too - why is this all going on my shoulders!?!?

If the only way for me to save things is to be there for her as a friend - is it even possible?!? How can I be there for her as a friend when I feel like an outsider looking in on someone else's life who i shared for so long!? How do you be a friend with someone who shows you everytime you see them how badly you hurt them!??

I wsih I could offer you some strength, and a way to forgive yourself, but I have no answers. Maybe someone can chime in here and help us both?

if she leaves i'll never forgive myself - i already can't. how the *** do i go on living with that guilt following me forever?

Fox-

One. Start praying that God takes this situation and works HIS will in it...not yours, not hers, not OM's, etc....HIS will. And then pray that whatever that is, He gives ALL of you the strength to see it through, and the wisdom to see His plan for you all.

Two. Easy with the language...we all feel that way at times, but it's best to avoid a few of the REAL bad words.

Three. It's going to be tough for a long time, regardless of what the outcome is. I dont recall, have you seen your doctor about AD's or other meds that might help you deal with this situation while it's at its worst?

I'm sorry about the language I'm just so drained its the only thing that makes me feel like I'm getting rid of this pain and hurt.

I've tried ADs before they didnt help - I tried 3 different ones; I dont have health insurance so i can't afford them atm anyways.

I have been praying constantly for God to give me strength, but I just find myself collapsing like this...WHY!?

Fox,

I am unsure of which thread you want me to be posting on, but I replied to the other one.

Slow down, my friend. You are assigning yourself WAY TOO MUCH RESPONSIBILITY for HER happiness.

Just be good to her. If she is not happy with that that is ONLY her responsibility.

If she can't forgive you, that is HER responsibility.

SHE is a BIG GIRL. SHE entered your marriage willingly.

Your responsibility ends with YOUR joy and treating her right. Your responsibility ends when you have shown her proper respect (1) as your wife and (2) as a person.

What she chooses to do, or interpret, on your efforts is ALL UP TO HER.

NCWalker

Fox,
I know right now it seems unbearable, but just take it one day at a time. We all go through our ups and downs; you are on the perpetual roller coaster from hell and there's no way to get off any time soon. If you can't do a day at a time concentrate on one hour at a time, one minute at a time if you have to. Being lonely, hurt, afraid, angry, etc. are all natural; it's how you deal with those feelings that set you apart. No one can make things easier on YOU but YOU. YOU are in control of your own destiny and emotions; I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you are. YOU need to CHOOSE to be happy for YOURSELF, not for your wife.

I strongly recommend getting some AD’s and more sleep. The AD’s will not give you a false sense of reality, but will level your moods out and make the roller coaster a little easier to stomach. Think of them as Dramamine…

That's the thing though - I can't be happy for myself knowing that I caused her this pain. My happiness comes from seeing her happy - that is how badly I love her. When she is sad; I feel like absolute crap - and seeing her like this has completely destroyed me inside.

Knowing that I want more than anything to have a family and to be the best dad in the world now when I didn't before and seeing that when before she wanted it; and now she doesn't isn't helping the pain either.

Its like putting a throwing someone on a deserted island and placing an electric fence around them which is surrounded by savoring food - they will starve to death knowing that the thing they desired the most was just beyond their grasp.

Perhaps because while you're asking for Him to give you strength, you're not letting him do so?

I felt the same way you do now when my wife's emotional affair came out, and she was all set to go.

I prayed to God to show me what He wanted to happen in our situation. I asked Him to not to let her get on the plane if He wanted us to save our marriage...but regardless, I asked him to give me the strength to do what He wanted, and the guidance to do it.

I didn't sleep the nite before she was supposed to get on the plane. I couldn't. Wouldn't happen. And then at 3AM, it hit me. Like a shotgun blast, I knew what I should do that day. I went upstairs, got out a nice set of clothes, pressed them, got a shower, got dressed, put on cologne, etc... I got the kids up (all teens, they knew exactly what was going on in our situation) and made them start getting ready for school when it was time.

And then I drove to the motel room she was staying in. She didn't know that I knew where she was, didn't know that I know all the details of her flight. I called her on her cell phone at 7AM, and asked her to do me one favor...open the door. And then I knocked.

We sat and talked. Pretty much civilly, and the first real conversation we had face to face since d-day. And that made her doubt. And while she was doubting her choice to leave, OM called her...and heard that doubt, and told her that if she wasn't sure then she shouldn't come at all. He ended the EA that day.

I KNOW that God had His hand all in this...and I'm praying now that He'll give you the same kind of guidance...and that YOU will 'be still', and hear His answer to you. And that YOU will calm down and let Him give you His strength to deal with this.


Read Philippians 4:13, and Isaiah 40:31. Then go and pray one more time...and then sit and listen for an answer.

I do pray, I keep praying - I'm trying to let Christ give me strength but what am I supposed to do? What strength am I supposed to get? I'm trying to hang in there, but I'm on the verge of tears again. I'm trying to be strong God knows I'm trying so hard but I keep falling to my knees and I can feel the devil beating on me; I'm trying to pull myself hands and knees through this, I can feel my life surging through my finger tips, but the exhaustion is beginning to set in.