Im not sure if I can word the question in my head clearly but heres goes.....hope you can follow<P>I do understand that affairs are "fantasy" environments but can any betrayers really help me understand <BR>*if* and most importantly *how* <BR>any real issues and problems of each person are discussed during an affair. For example I hear so often how the OP "always said the right thing", "always understood me so well", "was so comfortable to talk with", "we shared together all our real inner feelings etc".....how is this?<BR>it all seems so perfect, yet as a spouse my H and I often have to face real issues and face the fact we have<BR>mortgage/money/teenages/exwife support problems etc that cant be glossed over and pretend they will all go away etc<BR>Often when we're in the middle of some crisis Ill find myself saying something, then immediately thinking......I bet she would have said something so much more supportive <P>If any such problems were discussed are they realistically discussed or is it more of a "if only we could leave it all behind/you deserve so much better/how could they do that to you!/Id treat you so much better way of dealing with the outside world when it encroached? <BR>thanks!

In my case issues of importance were discussed briefly such as money, his child, etc...and yes, looking back they were glossed over.<P>I guess there was no REAL reason to discuss these things in depth because they were a fantasy that I didn't realize at the time. In my OMs case and my case our spouses are the ones who take care of the bills and the OM and I discussed how we'd be just fine doing the bills on our own...which I now realize could have been a major problem. The issue of his daughter came up...and that too was not a problem, that I know now could have caused some tension.<P>So, sometimes I do think I handled things more open minded with the OM than I do with my H...that's something I need to change. I feel I was probably more supportive of the OMs issues than my own Hs. Most likely because the OMs weren't real.

Hi Azure,<P>I have written on this very subject in a reply to F A (Can It Ever Be The Same)perhaps you could take a look..? not exactly on the same question but incorporated in my answers there were more or less how the affair differs and how responsibilities of house kids and finances make a big difference... <P>Also when the affairees are together they avoid any conflict and negativity sticking to fun things and keeping a good positive profile to the other..and its not until they commit do they reveal the other side of their nature...<P>Having no committment to each other no deep and mundane are discussed...like kids, finances, everyday running of household or business....and because these things are not present they can easily believe that they have a great understanding together cos everything is so nice....and no responsibilities....<P>Also when one has been in a marriage for a long time one fear we have is that we will lose the other or that we will get hurt by the other so we dont discuss openly the issues deep down inside that bother us...when in the affair there is no threat so issues are easier to discuss no fear of being hurt...<P>cossie...<P>------------------<BR>To know who you are is to see who I am....<P><p>[This message has been edited by cossie (edited September 26, 1999).]

Hi azure,<P>Well, speaking for me only, the OW and I never had sugar coated discussions about how our life would be so much better together or anything like that. Sure, we thought we could be extremely happy together, but there wasn't a whole lot of "she could always say the right thing" for me... We just clicked as friends. That was the whole attraction for me, the fact that we had so much in common.<P>In fact, sometimes I think she disagreed with me just for the sake of argument, to play the devil's advocate. And I enjoyed that kind of intellectual stimulation...<P>--andy

I'm getting mine second hand from my w. She said om was promising her "things" and how great there life would be together. She had talked to the kids about Disney World and getting a SUV, and a house. She said om was a wiz with investments, however I suspect his mommy was supporting him. <BR>I asked her if she had planned to file for custody of the kids when they got married and she said no, she wouldn't take them away from me. Now I think they as long as I was taking care of them, there would be no problem for them. Only recently when w threatened to fight me for custody did their relationship break down. So i believe that it all still fantasy talk and when realty sets in, thats it.<BR>After more talks with w, she said he promised her an easier life with a smaller house, no yard work, trips anytime she wanted to go. Hell, I think I'll run off with him !<p>[This message has been edited by RWD (edited September 26, 1999).]

azure - I'm a betrayed spouse like you (though an H) and like you, I'm looking for answers to some of the same Q's. I think you're right - an affair allows a person to have a romantic fantasy without any of the mundane consequences. I think Holly is right on target with her description, too. Holly, your description was what really got me to thinking on this. (It seems like other betrayers mainly agree too.) I think I started seeing for maybe the 1st time why my W is really having her affair. We're totally bogged down in our mundane life - we're struggling under a huge debt load, for one thing. We have completely opposite domestic styles, a major source of frustration and friction for both of us. And we're both very unhappy with the way our careers have gone/are going at present. As I see it after reading this thread, her OM spirits her away from all this stuff that's stressing her out big time. Seems obvious now, but I hadn't really seen it this way before and thought it was mainly for the sexual excitement. (I'm sure that's there too, but it's only part of the picture.) Now I see that an affair really can seem like a great escape from daily life. Thank you. I think it may help me a lot to see it in these terms. Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex