WH and I are in MC. Recovery is moving along smoothly but I still have a nagging feeling. In MC, WH says that his reason or motivation or justification for his activity was that he felt I didn’t want him or value him, etc. Now that he knows I do, everything is WONDERFUL (in his words). As far as he is concerned, he tells MC, his EN are being fully met, life is great, end of story.

Okay, so what’s my problem? Well, this is all a mere 6 weeks after D-Day. And I told MC that it was just too easy. And nothing this important can really be that easy. I want to know what led WH to put a profile out on that horrible website looking for sex partners, emailing lots of potentials, and then carrying on a chat with a particular woman for two months where he told her how much she meant to him, etc.. If we can’t ever discuss what led him to do it, what is to stop him from doing it again? He may actually be depressed but it isn’t showing up right now because we’ve (he’s) got this “mountaintop” euphoria thing going over being truly loved and desired by his faithful wife.

So do we just continue on with the MC? After last week’s session he all but said he really didn’t need THAT anymore because everything was fixed in his mind.

So, help! Am I just making mountains out of molehills???

Six weeks does seem a bit too easy, but it is possible that he is feeling good enough about your marriage to stop the website behavior. It took my WW 2 months to 'fess up about the entirety of her A.

That said, what he thinks he's missing hasn't been resolved yet. He may have the need to feel greatly desired, especially physically. Try ramping that up a bit and see what happens, can't overestimate how important that stuff is to us guys.

Keep going to counseling, maybe every two weeks will be more palatable to him?

My question would be is your husband potentially medicating his emotions with his sexual behaviors? If he is then it's possible he has a sexual addition and when things are fine he moves out of the addiction, but when things go bad he will move back into it. That is how I was. I had a good marriage, but I could not handle extreme high levels of anxiety. When those high levels of anxiety high, my sexual addiction triggered.

It's just something to think about.

I would be at least a "tad" concerned and have your radars up. Nothing is ever truly "wonderful" right after an affair and discovery and in early recovery.

Look at those who are successfully recvered, even years later there are still struggles. Anytime things seem to "good to be true", they usually are. I am NOT saying that your Wayward is cheating again, but I think his stance that everything is suddenly "wonderful" now that you TOLD him that you value him is perhaps suspect. They may be "wonderful" because he is thanking the high heavens that his cheating a$$ is not out on the curb, but this doesn't do you any good if he goes back out to these waters in 6 months after the sea has calmed.

No need to start a nuclear war , but always trust your GUT, much more often than not, it is right.

Sour..............

Well, in my past experience when I had this "nagging" feeling, it was always correct...Dont let the good fool you! be careful!

You nagging feeling is your gut trying to tell you something. Pay attention.

I recommend you call Steve H @ MB. He is good about getting to the source of the nagging feeling. He can be the one and not you to id the real reason.

Please consider phone counseling with him. 1st take the EN questionnaire (both of you). Then call Steve.

Also read Surviving an Affair.

L.

I don't know that there is enough information here to tell the whole story. What kind of affair was this...PA or EA? How long did it last? Was your H caught, or did he fess up on his own?

I ask because all of these things DO influence recovery time. My wife had an online EA...that lasted no more than two months tops.

Her withdrawl was HARD for about three weeks. And then she wholeheartedly made the choice to work on our marriage. And by the six weeks timeframe, she DID feel that all was wonderful. The only issue we were dealing with by that time was her ongoing desire to keep email contact with OM...contact remained sporadic up to that point, but finally ended completely right around that six week time.

So it's possible that it DID end this easily...but it really depends on a lot of factors. If it was a short-term duration affair, with little emotional investment for him, it's very possible that things are over...especially if you successfully plan A'd him big time.

Doubts remain for a long time afterward...I'm over a year into recovery and I can speak to that from personal experience.

Now...it's also possible that it's all a smokescreen. Part of him meeting YOUR EN's should include ways for you to truly know that the A is ended, and NC is in place. If that is not happening, then absolutely you should have some concern.

It was an EA that lasted a couple of months. I discovered the activity, confronted H, and he stopped contact immediately. He has since that time tried very hard to be transparent. I read every email from that website before his profile and all the correspondence was deleted (he deleted at my request with me watching). I have total access to all his email accounts, financial records, phone record, passwords. I check internet history and temporary files regularly. There is nothing suspicious there. That being said, my H's profession is computers so if he wanted to hide it, I wouldn't be able to find it. The financial stuff is usually the most helpful - I can view his debit/credit card and check transactions online as they post and the only way around that would be to use cash or never pay for anything. So, my checking shows his behavior to be clean.

What I am most concerned about though is recurrence. Art's comment above has really made me think. It is definitely soemthing I will bring up with MC.

Thanks to all who have posted replies. Sometimes you just don't trust your own judgment and it is so helpful to receive feedback.

Did he go through ANY kind of withdrawl symptoms when the EA ended?

I grabbed some info on sex addiction as medication from a website.

? Sexual addiction uses sex as medication. Even sexual fantasy creates powerful chemicals in the brain that give a temporary feeling of relief from the pain of loneliness, anger, anxiety, and depression. Sex as a medication is an escape from the painful, true feelings. The brain of a sex addict may crave the experience of sex just like any drug addict craves the next high of a drug.

? The disease of sexual addiction is progressive. The disease, manifested by desire, will always get worse over time. More and more sexual fantasy or activities will be needed to achieve the same effect or relief from painful feelings.

? Sexual addiction leads to very destructive consequences. The destruction does not stop with just the problems of divorce and losing families. There are physical, legal, financial, vocational and social consequences. Some addicts spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on pornography, prostitution and other forms of sexual acting out.

Notice that sex addiction is not defined by sinful nature of sexual activity. Even people who have sex only in their marriages can be addicted to sex if they are using it as an escape from the loneliness of their relationship. These people can even feel that if the sex is good, their marriage is good, possibly leading to depraved sexual activities. Sex addiction is also not defined by the amount of sexual activity. Some addicts can go for days, weeks, or years without acting out, but they will always return to the lifelong pattern until they get help.

The major energy behind sexual addiction is the feeling of loneliness. Sex addicts are starved for love, nurture and touch. They have very little ability to create it in healthy ways, so they seek a substitute for it through sexual fantasy and activity, mistakenly equating sex and love. But loneliness is not the only motivator.

Another energizer to sexual addiction is anger, a feeling that allows even Christians to commit sexual sin. Addicts are angry with their spouses, hopelessly thinking that marriage should solve their problems. In addition, they are angry with God for not removing their lust, and they are angry with others for not being available. Since they are also angry with the Church for not giving them answers, all this anger causes addicts to be rebellious against their marriages, God and the Church. They feel entitled to get their needs met.

Many sex addicts have been sexually, physically, or emotionally abused as children, never getting the love affirmation, attention, nurture, and healthy touch that all children need. They bring huge emotional and spiritual wounds into their adolescent and adult lives, thinking that the next relationship or sexual experience will solve all of their problems.

Sexual addiction or inordinate attention to sex is a common problem even for Christians. Last year, the Promise Keepers organization surveyed men who attend their conferences and found that over 60 percent of them struggle with sexual sin. Because our culture is saturated with sexual stimuli, we have become somewhat desensitized to the problem. Adding to the problem, the Church, for centuries, has been almost silent about giving a model of healthy sexuality.

Owl - no, none.

Then THAT is an alarm bell...

If this was an EA (emotional affair), then I can't imagine how it would have ended without him suffering some type of withdrawl. It's the death of a relationship, and it's extremely painful for everyone involved.

Did he confess it to you, or was it discovered? (Edited to add...I just noticed that you mentioned that you discovered it...again, big red flags to me then...read on.)

I ask, as the only POSSIBLE explanation I could have would be that if he told you, then MAYBE it ended before you were aware of it, and he suffered that depression and withdrawl silently.

That, or this isn't what you've been told it was. Perhaps it was a PA (Physical Affair) after all, and he had developed no real emotional attachment.

Regardless, I would seriously suggest that you talk this over in MC...because these are warning signs to me that either it didn't end, or that he's lied to you about what it was.

I think that your 'gut feeling' is worthy of concern...it sounds to me like you're not out of the woods yet. I could be mistaken...he could be the exception to the rule.

Good luck to you friend.

Hey,

I am kind of in the same boat. My H did not show much withdrawl. He did say he wanted to contact her(and had to fight the urge), but did not show much depression afterward for her to me. He claims that he hurt me so much, that he did not want to hurt me with his feelings for her...even though I said I wanted him to share. His was an EA/PA. Love was spoken of...etc. I know there was withdrawl there..but he never showed it to me.

He also got over her relatively quickly. I was surprised. It has been almost 7 months since d-day for me, but by about a month, he said he no longer had a desire to talk to her(although he did say sometimes he wondered what she was up to) and he no longer wanted to remember anything positive about her. It took probably another month for him to fully realize that she was not a good friend to him, and he was not a good friend to her. He still says that at the time he felt she was special...but looking back, he does not remember why he thought that at all. He has even started to forget their intimate times together...which I was afraid he would never be able to do. Of course, I am trusting the things he says...

I also have had a nagging feeling for a while. I have checked and have not found anything...but it is still there. I think that is normal, but I would definitely pay more attention to all of these experienced people before me. I feel like I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop and for me to find some proof of his contact with her.

One of my friends from another thread said she heard this statement, which is what I have been trying to work from: Trust but verify. You can trust someone, but you can also verify time from time. That is now what I am doing. I am trying to trust my H...b/c before all of this, he was the most honest man I knew. Hopefully you can do the same.

My thoughts are with you. Take care.

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

We went to MC yesterday and now I know where the nagging feeling comes from. WH is sorry he hurt me and agrees he has lost my trust but doesn't see what he did as A becuase there was no physical contact. **sigh** All the explaining both I and the C engaged in didn't change his opinion of this. In HIS mind, there are lots of shades of gray to this and because he had not had physical contact in HIS mind, he hadn't been unfaithful.

So if someone never sees something as wrong, what would stop them from doing it again? Nothing, right?

I'm also beginning to think more seriously about the sexual addiction aspect. WH has not been able to stay off the internet at night as I requested. His excuse is that he has only been to themarriagebed.com to read on suggestions to help US. If you haven't been there it is a website for sex and intimacy matters for Christians and it can be very helpful. But I suspect it is feeding his need for sexual stimulation from the internet he was previously getting from adultfriendfinder.com although at a much reduced level.

Ya'll, I'm so confused I could just go throw up!

eaglessoar, why don't you put a keylogger on his computer and see what he is doing?

eaglesoar, he may not see it as an affair, but he does know it is wrong. It doesn't matter if he calls it a baloney sandwich, he knows it is wrong. Otherwise he wouldn't have hidden it. So I wouldn't worry about that right now. He sounds like a typical WS who is too close to his crime to really feel remorse.

I would attribute his current lack of remorse to 2 things: 1. he just got busted and 2. I don't think he has really given it up yet. I also find it surprising that he is not in withdrawal. I am just not buying it.

I think you should trust your gut feeling. I have learned from long hard experience that you should always trust your gut on these things. Don't accuse based on a gut feeling, but use it as an opportunity to investigate further.

Melody,

I would need some IT help on that one. My WH is a computer programmer. His computer is a laptop and he uses a wireless network he set up in our home for internet access (self-employed consultant, works from home, on the computer virtually all waking hours). Any suggestions would be very helpful.


Thanks!

Do you know what kind of spyware and virus protector he uses?

How about instead of doing something covert, ask him if he would be willing to install something like SAFEEYES on his computer that is an internet filter. It would keep him away from those internet sites that he doesn't need to go on. At least you would get a reaction from him as to how he feels about it. www.SAFEEYES.COM has information you can read about their software. It's what our sex addiction group recommends because it alters others immediately when someone starts hitting on bad websites.

I'm thinking if he opposes you on installing a filter software, he really doesn't want to get on the right road.

I needed to add a follow-up, the only reason a filter might be unacceptable is if it truely locks him out of work, in which case you would have to disable the filter. Never had that happen to me though.