I think if he knows the spyware is on the computer it defeats the entire purpose because if he is doing something wrong, he would just do it on another computer or find other ways. Then she would be left worse off than she was before because she would have thrown away a good resource. That would be tantamount to disarming while being fired on.

She needs to know what is going on and she is not likely to get an honest answer from him if he is still sneaking around, which I strongly suspect.

Additionally, having spyware on his computer - without his knowledge - can have an enormous impact on her peace of mind. And if he is not doing anything wrong, it can go a long way in rebuilding trust.

But, it is a bad idea to tell an active WS what your snooping resources are because you then lose that protection. Better to give up your sources when you are in real recovery and not under fire.

I would also add that even a computer novice can figure out how to disable a keylogger if they know it is on their computer. He could easily disable it for periods of time and she would be none the wiser. I don't think it helps her protect herself by giving him information with which he can't be trusted.

DO you have access to his laptop? It is very easy to install Spector Pro software in its stealth mode. It takes you step by step. You just need access to his computer to do it. Checkout www.spectorsoftware.com and take a look at SpectorPro 5.0.

You can set it up to send YOU an email of what he is doing and reading, or you will need to have time when he is out of the house so you can log in and take a look at what sites he is visiting and see who he is chatting with. It is great software.

Do you normally use this computer and have this kind of access to it?

~ Snow

I am in the same situation. When I discovered what WH was doing, he quit or cut it way back with the one woman, and found more internet affairs. www.webdate.com, www.adultfriendfinder.com, all of those are very familiar to me.

My advice is to find a good keylogger. Install it, go into the options, and set it up to store files and logs to a file that is normally there. If you need help, see if you have a friend that knows how to do it.


I also had that nagging feeling. The keylogger gave me the password to his work email, and when I logged in one day I found an email OW had sent him, telling him she was sorry she missed his calls...3 months after he told MC and me he would never contact her again. He also did not go through withdrawal. He also said that it was not cheating because nothing physical happened. MC had to pin him down on that, and all he will say it that it was "inappropriate". And then he follows it with "but..." as in we drifted apart, our schedules were different and we got lonely, etc...there is always another excuse for the relationship.

If you have a nagging feeling that he is still not "with you", follow it. Something I am doing is attending the MC on my own. She is not going to come out and tell me to leave him, but she has commented on how angry he gets at being pinned down about the A. I am beginning to see that I married a serial cheater, and perhaps so did you.

I would get nosy if I were you. If he is not doing anything wrong, no harm done.

You mentioned he was a programmer, is he a Windows PC programmer or other system? I was just worried if he is a Windows PC programmer he might become aware if his PC is tampered with. I know the software is good at hiding, but if he regularly working with software on his PC doing diagnositics his might trap on the memory and see the spy software installed. Just wanted to throw that out there for caution.

Great points, Art!

Yes, he is a pc programmer and is VERY much aware of all that is on his computer - will from time to time switch operating systems, has hidden drives, etc. I am a novice. (It's like the difference between a regular driver (me) and a race car driver who also serves as his own mechanic (him).)