Ok guys! Court date is Thursday! This one is for temporary orders...any advice? I am going to wear a suit (skirt and jacket) or is that too much? I am also taking a friend with me.

He is being such an A hole still...calling my friends trash and telling me I cant hang out with them...ummmm, yea, OK...that is gonna fly...the reason he thinks they are trash is cuz they are suporting ME!

I have not idea how it will go down in court. I have asked my lawyer to ask for a visitation schedule that would require him to pick them up at certain times and drop them off at certain times...instead of having him demanding in the past!

I cannot wait til this is over! Everything seems to just be on hold right now...I cant look for a house cuz I dont know how much I will afford..

As far as splitting things down the middle...haha...If he fights me on getting half the equity in the house, I will ask for half of his FOUR cars...I will get the Shelby CObra and his race car...I will also take a chain saw down the middle...would you like the drivers side or the passenger side honey? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

I'm not nervous...i am curious to see how he will treat me after seeing me bring my friend though! That man has lost his marbles...I have also asked for a Psych eval on him! That should go over real well! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Good luck Kandi! No real advice here - I managed to convince my XH that not going to court was in his best interest, so I haven't been there. Though he threatened a number of times - even after the divorce was final and he didn't have a leg to stand on.

Taking a friend is a good idea. I highly recommend having a friend with you any time you have to deal with him. It gives you support, and helps keep him from claiming you said or did something you didn't. (Of course, the latter really isn't a problem in the court room. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ) I know with having to switch off the kids, that might be tough. But try to make sure you do it whenever possible. And definitely do if he is coming to get belongings from the house or anything like that. Then you have a witness that he actually did take the stuff.

One other thing... I know after all this time with everyone telling you not to put up with him, to divorce him, etc., this is going to seem like I'm going back on all that a little. Try not to be vindictive. Oh, I know that the above stuff is a kind of tongue-in-cheek, and I've said very similar things about my XH. But I've been there - after all the pain he's put you through, you really want him to hurt too. I still do, and it's been almost a year since the divorce was final.

But giving in to that will only hurt you in the long run. Especially since you have kids. I'm not saying to give in to him either. Just try to be fair. I know that's really tough, since he hasn't been very fair to you in a long time. But you're better than that, right? Not to mention the fact that if you start getting vengeful, he will at least get some satisfaction in knowing he got to you. During the divorce, where he is concerned, just be emotionless. Fight for what is due you, and when he calls you names and says your after revenge, just tell him you are only doing what is right and fair, and trying to get throught he mess he made with as much dignity as possible, and with as little emotional damage to your children as possible.

Be strong!

--

Oh, one other thing. The friend going with you is just going for support, and isn't going to be trying to put in any opinions while you are there, right? Your best bet for court is let your lawyer do the speaking, unless the judge asks you a question directly. If you have something you want said, tell your lawyer. Everything I've heard is that with judges, respecting him/her and his/her court is paramount. As long as you conduct yourself with your usual dignity, things should go relatively smoothly for you. At least, I would hope so!

Uhhh, I missed this months issue of divorce court fashion magazine, sorry.

Best advice I can give is to give up the drama. You're addicted to it. The judge will not tolerate it.

Go to court with a plan. Judges don't want to make decisions for you. If you don't have a plan then you can't complain when you leave court with the judges plan.

Be prepared to take a co-parenting class. It was mandatory in my state.


Posts on this website such as these could be considered taunting and harassing in nature. This would be a violation of your orders and you could be held in contempt should he decide to use them against you.

Regardless of his behavior...taunting, harassing, whatever, it doesn't justify the same behavior on your part. Take the high road.

Best advice I can give is to let the judge slap Dad around. You stick to the facts. NEVER speak directly to Dad, but wait patiently for any tirades to come to an end or the judge to shut him up and wait until he asks for your input. Speak clearly, factually - never get sucked into the drama where it can turn into a he-said she said situation.

And don't go in without your lawyer to speak for you.

Ba, why do you find it necessary to come onto my thread and be sarcastic as such...I asked a very legit ??? and you find it necessary to come back with such a aremark as that...

I realy had planned on walking into the court room and show all the drama in the world...but I appreciate you advice cuz now I know NOT to! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Thank you osx and Kayla...That helps a lot! I am just going to sit/stand there and not speak unless asked to by the judge...in which case I will say Yes sir or NO sir unless he asked to elaborate...i dont plan on giving any facial gestures when Ed is saying anything...I plan to be very stoic!

I meet with the Lawyer an hour before court on Thursday!

As someone said, be prepared and know what you want.
Better yet, have it typed up, so that the judge can review it if necessary. Judges appreciate prepared parties.

Now, going to court is something everyone avoids. Most of the work is done on the courthouse steps and in the halls.
If it is anything like many places, quite a few people are booked at the same time, and the courts hope that the couples can sort things out.
If your lawyer has a proposed settlement typed up, that's even better. If your STBX comes in with no plan, they will address a plan first.

So the goal is to negotiate in the courtroom halls, and edit existing documents. Then when you come to agreement, you go infront of the judge to testify that you both agree.

Now, my X's attorney took our typed documents, claiming to summarize them before court, and actually changed material wording - so we had to read and change and initial all these documents at the courthouse. But it got done and noone wanted to waste another day in court.

I was advised not to take anyone with me. My X showed up with his sister for moral support.

Stand your ground, but know where to draw your line in the sand. Know where you are willing to negotiate and where you aren't.

And, make sure you return tomorrow to let us know the outcome.

Newly -

That's why I said she needed to make sure the friend is just there for support. I think taking someone is fine, as long as you are sure that your friend will not say ANYTHING during the proceedings. I think having someone there for support could help her peace of mind greatly, but it is vital that the friend not make her presence obvious in any way.

The judge prefers to have both parties have everything settled ahead of time anyway. Having an uninvolved party do anything, even just whisper to you, during the proceedings could make the judge angry and unsympathetic toward you. The friend going with you should either wait outside the courtroom, or should sit quietly in the back of the courtroom.

I just find it interesting that your first concern was what to wear. No biggie.

I also offered some advice based on my own experience in divorce court which other posters have echoed.

The fact that simple sarcasm from a stranger triggers such a response in you indicates to me that you are very vulnerable to your WS's comments also. The point being...don't let his comments affect the way you behave in court.

I think BA is right here. We all get worked up about court and seeing the X, so maybe this is your time to relax.

So many court dates get pushed back, and many of us fretted that, but in the end, we were in better places mentally when we actually went.

Stay strong, and keep a happy thought in your mind. A sunny day, your children's smiles, a lunch with a friend.
Think positively.

Have a few thoughts to be SURE to ask your lawyer about and have it set up if it needs to be.

Ask what will happen if the visitaiton schedule is not adhered to, because Dad has already said he won't follow it.

And ask what rights does he have to enter the home, and what recourse do you have if he breaks in again.


Oh yeah, and to agree with some of the other posters...
be VERY careful about what emotions you show in the courtroom. It would be easy to misconstrue a sigh or an eye roll by the judge as you being a part of the problem too. I know, I know, don't need to tell you that. You have seemed very calm on Dr. Phil, and I'm sure you will be the epitomy of composure!!

"be VERY careful about what emotions you show in the courtroom."
As I thought about this I remembered my day. I couldn't help but laugh at some of the idiotic things my X still believed. His lawyer even asked me to stop laughing.
X claimed to make 1/3 of what he'd made in each of the past two years, and tried to tell to incorporate in the documents that he was flexible with his time for parenting.
I got him to negotiate up on his "imputed" salary, but not to the level I wanted. His would have been poverty. His lawyer even knew this, but couldn't get his client to budge - until I threatened to walk out.
Now I can laugh about it, but I told my lawyer I wasn't even walking into the courtroom unless X showed up with the last two years of business tax returns. My lawyer asked if I was serious. I said yes. So I had 15 minutes to review the business finances before negotiations began. And at that point, I really would have walked if he hadn't brought them.
We are all stronger than we know.

MF4M,

I know you need an atty., I had one too for a bit but got sick of the crap and finished it by myself.

That was a very good decision on my part in the end.

Uncontested, got what I wanted, end of story.

That didn't stop my WWXW from showing up to show her [censored] to the judge....I couldn't have asked for better help...lol...WWXW was more effective than my 2 atty's.

So let WH roar, let him show the judge that smug, overbearing, "better and smarter" than you attitude of his...

Your Atty. won't have to earn one cent, WH will earn it for him.

While you stand there expressionless and unemotional, like a statue.

Good Luck, you deserve some

RM

MF4M,
First of all, congratulations for making it this far in going to court! I'm sure that there have been many times in the past that you didn't believe you could ever have the strength and determination...but you have!

I don't think that asking about what to wear to court is an odd question. My attorney talked with me about what would be appropriate court attire. He didn't tell me anything I hadn't anticipated, but it was nice to have it confirmed. I have had situations with clients where a judge has addressed their inappropriate attire. Saw it as too casual...not respecting the court and the seriousness of the situation. I think that your idea of wearing a suit jacket and skirt sounds very appropriate. It lends itself to a professional, respectful appearance, while not being overly "fluffy" and frilly.

I,too, found it to my advantage to maintain a cool, calm demeanor, and speak only when spoken to by the judge. Also, keep your answers as brief as possible to get the job done. The judge isn't interested in any of the theatrics of our various relationship dynamics. They are there to oversee the legal aspects of a marriage, not the psychological dynamics. Even if your spouse lies, or exaggerates the truth, keep calm and remain quiet. As others have noted, don't give any type of reaction...rolling eyes, etc. You can blow up or explode with your friend AFTER the hearing.

As far as what you're going after for visitation, that's why you have an attorney. To barter that out with your husband's attorney. Avoid direct discussion with your spouse at the courthouse. If he tries it, just respond that he'll need to talk with your attorney. And keep repeating it if need be. This is an initial hearing. What is determined is not the final arrangements, so keep that in mind if things don't go quite as you hoped.

I have no idea about what you'll be experiencing inside while all this goes on around you. But, I did want to let you know that while I was the one wanting the divorce, I was surprised at how sad I felt when a formal step was before me. It was another stage of my grieving process, of letting go of my hopes and dreams about this marriage.

As far as your thoughts about how to divide property....you go for it girl! I often fantasized about what I would like to do to my xWS....to try and help take the edge off my anger and anxiety. I knew I wouldn't act on it...but it sure felt good to think that I knew exactly how I COULD hurt my xWS if I wanted to! I had felt enough hurt over which I had no power or control as a result of his affair.

Take good care of yourself tomorrow! You've worked hard to get where you're at. You can do it!

Today is the day. Thinking of you, wishing you luck and serenity.

Thank you everyone for the advice and I would like to apologize to ba...I am sorry, I am under a lot of stress right now and I am a bit sensitive as well!

A quick run down...was getting ready to leave when I got a phone call from the lawyer saying we were going to "meet" at noon and not go to court and try to "settle" out of court today...haha...I got to his office and we talked for abiout an hour 1/2...his sec walks in twice...first one saying Ed's lawyer is on phone and watned to know if we were ready to to the "conference" call yet...NOOOO...second time about 10 minutes later at which time she said Ed's lawyer wants to know how much longer cuz the Dr. has things he needs to do <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> My lawyer just laughed and said I'll call her in 5 minutes...I told the sectretary he can go screw himself!

ok, so we get to the conference call and Lawyer mentions that the REASON ed doens't take the kids for more than an hour one time a week is because he is living in the back of his clinic and he is not living in a 3,000 square foot luxurious house like his spouse is <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> my lawyer said "ok, and your point is..."

Soooo, my lawyer told his lawyer that there is to be NO MORE phone calls (from either of us) to the other as someone, not to mention any names, is being inapprpriate and very degrading to the other...I let him listen to 4 saved messages I had in my voice mail...all of which were, well, ummmm....you get the pooint...

soooo, of course we could not settle OUT OF COURT...they want to give me less than the minimum basically...my lawyer said "well, I guess we will see you next Wednesday...

sooo, here I wait, until next wednesday...

He called me on the way to the office this monring and said "I am going to kick your A$$ in court" ... ok, and is there anything else I can help you with Ed? "no, I just want tyou to know I am going to take you to the clearners" oh, ok...go right ahead...I need my clothes to be washed....I mean what is it with this man...take ME to the cleaners...WHAT do I have that he could want or need?

I also spoke to a lender today and he said my credit looks good, despite the H's antics...I am meeting him on Monday...lawyer said it looks good for me to be doing this stuff as I am putting in an effort to downsize where as HE IS NOT!

He also said he has no furniture...umm, well, I have offered him anything he WANTS...he can have it all! I DONT CARE....his lawyer said "well, kandi has offered him the 11 year old W/D, a couch and coffee table"

my lawyer said "well, someone has to take the W/D and someone will have to buy a new one..I think it is nice of her to offer that to him"

I also have documentation of all his visitis as short as they are...he said KEEP THEM...

This is going to be a NASTY divorce and is doesnt' have to be...tsk tsk!

No sweat. BTDT.

Keep a level head and...I'm tellin' ya, be careful what you post. Just as you used his phone messages against him he can use your posts against you.

Hi Kandi!

Well, not great.... but it is probably about what you expected from him, right?

I mean, what is all that? He can't take the kids because he's living out of his clinic? I guarantee you a judge would tell him that's his choice. He can afford at least a small apartment (and really, more than that, I'm sure.) If he chooses to live in the clinic, that's his own fault.

And to say that, and then turn around and complain about not having any furniture? Ummm.... leaving aside you saying you offered it all to him, where the he** would he put it if he's living in his clinic?!?!

And the inappropriate messages on your voice mail - how stupid is that? And childish.

They do all do the same stupid things, don't they? I would think you were dealing with my XH if I didn't know better. Though we had kept our finances mostly separate during our marriage, which ended up making it pretty easy for me to show that I had been paying for almost everything, and paying off the mutual debt, while he had been running up debt that I didn't know about running around on me.

Just keep on being strong. Vent about him all you want to friends and such (though I would minimize what you say here, as I would guess he still reads these boards.) But when you're actually dealing with him, and going in front of the judge, keep it cool and impassioned. It's just a business transaction.

And remember I mentioned a blow-up punching bag? You can get a desk-size Bozo at Borders books. I think you need one. Then you can take out all your frustrations on a small Bozo. Except punching THAT small Bozo won't get you arrested or cause you problems during the divorce! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/det...ce&n=507846

Thanks guys! I forgot to mention that this wont be settled for 75 to 90 days <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> UUUUGGGGGHHHH! And I will delete any posts that are derogatory as you mention ba...but I have to say that I am only telling it like it is...nothing he HASN"T said or done...I just may say a few venting words here and there <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

I am going out on the town tonight...I haven't been out in 15 years...I have no idea what to do or how to act...i am not going to "meet" someone, just going to have some fun...I called my frined up and asked her what does one wear nowadays to "go out" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I'm not too sure I feel very good in what I have on, but I am sure this is how you are supposed to dress out on the town! I'm so conservative...I guess It it time to come out of my shell!

ON a side note, I am seeing a new therapist at my lawyers request tomorrow morning...She is the one I started out with...

I feel good guys! Thanks to all of you who encourageed me and set me in the right direction...you all saw what I didn't...I really feel good about my future...I may not be rich, famous, drop dead gorgeous, or anything else...but I am happy...I have three wonderful boys who love me and I laugh with them and have such a good time...

I haven't had so much fun in years than I have in the past few weeks...I love my life now... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I don't have much sympathy for the good doctor's living situation. If he had stayed home, worked on his marriage, parented his sons, he wouldn't have to be worrying about his current living conditions. He had multiple opportunities to make this choice.

If I remember correctly, the OW use to live with her parent(s). Perhaps Ed could move in with them and the OC. One big happy family!

Choices and consequences can really suck, Ed! You're an adult who made your choices over and over again. Stop trying to put the blame elsewhere. You're acting like a naughty little two year old boy who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. You're pissed because you got caught, over and over again, never acknowledging that you shouldn't have been in the jar in the first place!

MF4M,
For a woman whose "not very intelligent" (per Ed on Dr. Phil), you seem to be doing pretty well for yourself! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
Keep it up!