Back in March of this year I was told by my STBXH that "Our Marriage was stronger than it's ever been, nothing could hurt us. If I had more about the A that I wanted to tell him or to share with him, it wouldn't matter, nothing could change the way he felt about me." Well that was a crock, if that was true we'd not be in this position. Once I tried to take a small step, open the door to my soul a little, to test the waters if you will, he already had all these asumptions, his versions of what he thought I should be telling him and when I started to talk, I was shot down, called a liar, told I was hated and that he was done with me. We are now in the middle of D, and he wants me to let him inside me, wants to know my soul. Why should I now? He took what little I was attempting to give, and I was very afraid to do this to begin with, mainly because I didn't trust him to be telling me the truth that it wouldn't matter to me, but I took a giant leap of faith and started to open up, a very little bit at a time, apparently not enough or fast enough for my H. He was through with me, hated me, wanted me gone.

Well here we are, my H actually said that he was wrong on an assumption that he'd made earlier on. How can I trust that statement? Why should I even attempt to share any more with him? He ripped me a part before, he didn't want to hear "ME", he only wanted to hear what he wanted to hear, and not ME. He says that opening up now will make us both better people, I'm not so sure that I want to open up to him again, or even try. He lied to me in the first place, because if he meant what he originally said, that our marriage was strong and nothing could change the way he felt and nothing could hurt us, we wouldn't be here in this position.

The A is a wound that I don't want to open again. It was not an A out of love, or desire for love from another Man, it was done out of lack of self respect, self-esteem, looking for validation of the worthlessness that I felt about me. To open this wound again now, especially after what has gone down between my H and I is very painful. We have no hope of ever putting anything back together. Why should even attempt to talk it over?

Yes there is a part of me that will always love my H, but I just don't want to hurt anymore. I'm tired of feeling the pain, I'm tired of reliving my mistake, I'm tired of paying for it.

What should I do?

You're right, "why" is a good question. Why does he want you to open up? Is he wanting to talk about reconciliation? Or does he want D?

I believe it's never too late, Dana. You say you're tired, but you made vows. You're tired of paying for your A? Yep - I'm tired of everything that resulted of my H's A too. It's a sad reality of A's.

What I'm saying is I understand - we all do. But "being tired", and "feelings", is no way to make decisions. You can't quit something just cuz you're tired. But you know that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.

MB concepts can build a plan for you 2 to communicate and reconcile, if that's what you 2 want. Don't just talk about it - put a PLAN in place. But if you're not willing - if he's not willing - then NO, don't open yourself up again - just for him to have a chance to "punish" you again - and it's probably better to go your separate ways. That's one advantage to Plan B.

What does he want? Why is he asking? What does he want to know? Why? Does he know about Marriage Builders? Have ya'll read the materials here - His Needs, Her Needs, and Surviving an Affair?

I think you tell him how you feel, that you are apprehensive about baring your soul again. How you felt ripped apart when you did.

I don't envy the tightrope you would have to walk to pull that off. He could see it as a way for you to avoid discussing your affair, to avoid owning your sins. Or he could just be angry and not able to control it.

Perhaps you could discuss it with a pro-marriage marriage counsellor setting and enforcing the ground rules of the discussion. Presuming you think you want to save the marriage.

Likewise, having a pastor or other counsellor playing the referee, with a set of agree upon ground rules.

I don't think you should open up if you feel it's unsafe. But to take the air out of his potential argument that you are avoiding being truthful, offer an arena that is safe for both of you.

That's my suggestion, FWIW.

T

I understand and appreciate what you both have said. Right now I don't trust him to share my soul. I know that I voilated his trust by having an A, I know that, I don't want to be beat up about it any more. I can't take it back, I apologized, I reinforced my committment to him, all to have it ripped apart by a lure, a lie of safety to share my inner most thoughts, pains, sorrows. He told me that everything was ok, it was safe to share and once I started to open up, even though it was a tiny bit, he used it against me. I didn't open up enough, fast enough or say things exactly the way he wanted them said. I've been told over the years that my feelings didn't matter to him, that they were unimportant to him. Why now are they so important.

I know as BS all of you here have been hurt and hurt deeply by the choices the WS made, however, remember that us WS have hearts and feelings too. Not all of us were looking to leave our M's, not all of us were looking for love. Some of us were trying to escape the hurt that some of you BS were inflicting on us, some of the BS have to take ownership for some to the ways that they treated the WS. This does not justify the actions of the WS, get that right now. I'm not justifying my actions, nor do I want to blame everything on my H. It's not all his fault or mine, no BS is a saint, some BS have ways of making the WS feel lowly, worthless, unwanted.....that's what happened to me. When I tried to say something, I was told to shut up, that my feelings were stupid. Wonder why I have a problem opening up to him?

I know that my H watches this board, he swears that everything I post here is a lie, it's not. I don't hate him, I do still love him. However, trust has been broken on both sides, I have never felt safe & secure in our M, he's abandoned me several times, I've always been afraid of him leaving. Now that he's gone, I'm not afraid any more. I don't have to worry about not mattering any more, I don't have to be afraid to speak for fear of saying the wrong thing. I don't have to be afraid to think, to have a voice, to do things my way rather than being forced into doing things his way or else.


Yes I do miss him, I miss him a great deal. I don't miss being bullied, pushed around, stifled. He still wants me to open up, share with him.....I'm still afraid that anything I say will be used against me in some way. As much as I would like to open up with him, I don't know what good it would do, and frankly I'm afraid to do it. Not that I don't want to do it, I'm afraid. He used it against me once. He's the one that shouted that he was done with me, he wanted me out of his life, he hated me. Those words came out of his mouth long before I filed for D. I was the one that said we need to work together to work thru this. He kept insisting on seperation, and that he was moving closer and closer to D.....I never wanted this, but I felt backed into a corner, I gave him what he was shouting about, his freedom. He's walked out so many times over the years, and finally I held the door open for him.

Sorry for this being so long, I guess I just want to know, what is the point of opening an old wound?

Sure sounds like you don't want to. Then don't.

I'm with others here who have questioned what your STBXS's motive is at this particular point in time in having you share your soul with him. Is he looking for more emotional ammunition as the divorce is happening? Even if there's the remote chance that he might consider reconciliation, he hasn't shown that he can use what you share in a manner that would help facilitate reconciliation. And, it sounds like he hasn't said that "reconciliation" is why he'd like more information.

Having said that, I did ask my xWS to bare his soul further with me even though we had divorced. He had apologized about his affair, all the pain he caused (there was an OC born), noting I didn't do anything to deserve it. I asked him to bare his soul further because I wanted more details to try and put some thoughts and feelings to rest. I told him that I frankly didn't care if it hurt or embarassed him. I had been hurt and embarassed many times due to his affair. I was asking him to do this as one way in which he could make amends to me for his choices/behaviors.

I knew that finding out more of what happened wasn't going to change what happened. But, part of the pain of the situation was doubting my judgment...not trusting myself...my intuition..etc. I wanted more details to try and compare them to what I thought or felt had been going on at various points in time throughout his affair. I felt so crazy when I'd confront him and then have him look me straight in the eyes and deny things. I'd start to question my thinking!

Also, I was tired of being "ambushed" by bits and pieces of information showing up at the least expected times and places. My son had a new co-worker who turned up having gone to the same 12 step Recovery meetings as my xWS and the OW. My son had briefly mentioned his family, with no names, etc. She said "Oh, you're talking about so and so aren't you? I go to the same Recovery meetings as them." She went on to talk with him about her observations of the affair, some of the details, etc. She even knew my first name and a little bit about me! This co-worker didn't live anywhere near the area where my son lived or worked! The 12 step meetings they all attended were in a town that was 30 minutes away from where we lived. I never saw that one coming!

My xWS did share more information with me after we had divorced. I had written my questions out ahead of time before we met. We both knew that our time together that day was to discuss my questions. I made a conscious effort not to become verbally abusive with him during his sharing. There were times that I had an angry tone in my voice, I'm sure. But, I didn't call him names or swear at him. I still don't believe that I got anywhere near most of what happened or the extent of it. But, it did help me to put some areas to rest.

Very good explanation, heartmending.

Dana, do you know why your H wants you to talk? If not, can you find out? Is he just wanting details? Kind of like heartmending explained. Or is he wanting to understand YOU better in order to reconcile? If he's JUST wanting ammunition, then don't.

What's his motive?

At the least - describe to us the context in which he has asked you to "share your soul".

He claims to want to talk about it so we can both be better people. My biggest issue is that after him telling me back in March that "nothing could hurt us, our marriage was so strong" and basically leading me to believe that he meant those words and it would be safe for me to open up and when I did, even though it was only a tiny bit, he had his assumptions already formed and the first words out of his mouth after I started talking was "I'm done with you, I hate you, I want you out of my house". Why should I feel any safer now talking about any part of my feelings even though we are in the midst of a D? I was lured, and the information that I shared was used against me, and I fear that he'll do it again. I don't trust him with my heart & soul. I do have a part of me that genuinely loves him, however, I can't trust him with my heart.

He tends to lead with his assumptions, what he thinks should have been said, not listening to me and what I was saying. Then further down the road he realizes that his assumptions were wrong and because he says that I'm supposed to feel safe and open up again.

There is no hope for reconcilliation - I would like to be friends, I do care a great deal about him and what's going on with him, however, if the D does not go 100% his way, the kind person that I've seen of late will vanish and the side of him that I can't stand will once again resurface. I've been down that road before and I don't have the strength to go down it again, no matter how much I care. Does this make any sense at all?

If I truly believed that I could trust him with my heart I would consider sharing, but after the way he treated my heart & my feelings this last time, I have serious doubts that there's a pure motive behind his need to talk.

what say you?