My h and I have been rebuilding our M after he had an A almost 2 years ago. He is remorseful and is trying to be positive and move forward leaving the crap behind.

I, on the other hand, am frightened because I feel little love for him. I know I love him and enjoy being with him but I enjoy being alone with the kids more. This is really hard to say but I'm glad that I can say that somewhere because it has been swirling in my head for a long time.

He has drastically cut back on the bands that he is in--he was going out 4 nights a week to be in community bands where the OW was a player. There is only one band that has her in it--sporadically as she fills in for people when they can't make it. He is out now only 2 nights a week and that seems better for my family--the kids enjoy seeing him more.

I don't seem to care one way or the other anymore. This scares me because in the months past I was tormented by his nights out and his priorities being bands. Now, he is home more and I almost resent it and him being here. I have my own routines and I seem to relax when he isn't here and I get anxious/nervous/keyed up when he is here.

I am worried that I don't love him like I should. I read your posts where some of you would give your eye teeth to have your husbands want to be home more. Do I deserve a 2 X 4? I really need some insight. I am scared of my lack of feelings for a man who is doing everything right now.

Sandi

No 2 x 4 from me. Sounds like there are still major issues with "something" in the marriage. SOmetimes, despite the WS best intentions, they "kill" part of the BS love that NEVER comes back (see my myocardial infarction analogy post).

I don't have any answers for your troubles. I am sorry that you are hurting like this.

BOL,


SOur..............

Sandi, if he has stayed in touch with the OW all this time, how has he done everything right? That is not conducive to building trust. Do you trust him at all? What has he done to repair the damage from the affair?

He is able to "leave the crap" but the important question is: have you been able to recover?

Thanks for the replies Melody and Lemonman.
Yup. Even though he says that he doesn't speak to her or even look at her, I know that they share experiences in the band and that although I don't think that anything is going on (gut feeling here but then again, I was totally fooled 2 years ago).

Fact is, I don't trust him much. He wouldn't leave the bands--essentially they were more important than my requests for his time/attention that I so desperately needed. Now, I have filled those needs in other ways--more focus on my family, friends and interests and less on him.

I think that because he is choosing to be within 10 feet of her every week it is killing my love for him week by week. I am in some serious denial I think. Oh God please help me. I am so scared. I am crying now--I guess my feelings are always just under the surface.

How do you make the feelings come back when they don't seem to want to? I have 3 children (ages 17, 13 and 11) who depend on me. How can I trust a man who won't/wouldn't drop everything for his family and his wife? This is what hurts so much--I know that I would for him if I screwed up as much as he did.

I feel so lonely. I appreciate your thoughts everyone,
Sandi

Sandigirl -

Please don't be scared. What you are going through now is recovery. However, it might be WITHOUT your husband. What happened to me was that WH continued to put his feelings first. I learned to take care of myself. After awhile, it felt good. My love for him died, bit, by bit.

Keep taking good care of yourself. He may step up to the plate and be a husband, or he may not. Either way, you will be okay.

Sandi, you can see what is happening here. He did choose her over your marriage and has slowly killed you off with a thousand tiny cuts. Your marriage cannot recover until he really ends contact. Just that gesture is the minimum requirement to restore trust. To stay in contact with the OW is grossly disrespectful and makes it impossible to recover.

Every time he sees the OW puts you back to Day 1 of recovery. It is like dying a slow death of a thousand cuts. As you can see.

He has never done anything to rebuild the trust in your marriage and you shouldn't trust him.

The way to make the feelings come back is for him to:

1. end contact with the OW

2. start meeting your needs

I would start by printing out your posts here and telling him that you are falling out of love. Tell him, Sandi. Give him a chance to make this right.