Help. I have been watching phone logs and times my wife travels and noticed she calls her boss late at night and talks 30 - 45 mins a pop. I think she snuck out to be with him Friday so I stashed those underwear and ones from today away as they smelled sexual. I caught a voicemail that went like this after I tried to talk to her tonight:

Hi I just called to hear your voice. I am sleeping over my sisters as home escalted again. I warn you I will be tired tomorrow...laugh. Bye Bye in a sexy voice only used for me in past.

So I called my wife and confronted her and him and his wife ugghhh I also let my adult daughter hear the recording....

I have the call recorded. Now that I screwed up what are my next steps?

Expect the WS t/b in denial. The more she denies, the more you c/b assured she is a WS.

With that knowledge, please consider the following:

1. Read Surviving an Affair by Dr W. Harley. This book will help you understand what each of you are going through and how to act and react.

2. Read His Needs/Her Needs by Dr Harley. This book will help you learn how to communicate with your W. Not the WS but your W. Learn the difference.

3. If things get tough, read Love must be Tough by Dr. James Dobson. This one goes hand in hand when implementing plan B.

4. Take the Emotional Needs Questionnaire located in the concepts section. Read the concepts section. If you both can't take it, then you take it twice. Once as yourself and once as her. Keep copies of this, you will need it if you do phone counseling.

5. Get a good MC who is versed with MB principals. Better yet, schedule a session with Jennifer C @ MB. She does phone counseling so it w/b easy for you to speak with her.

6. Know that you 'can't teach a WS'. So don't bother. Instead learn how to execute a good plan A and get your plan B ready. Identify your personal boundaries.

7. Setup a personal support group for your support. Not the WS.

8. When you are ready with more solid evidence, expose the A. You will need more evidence than you current have given.

9. Setup spyware on your computer and track the calls.

10. Let the in-laws know she maybe using them to enable her A. See how they feel about it.

11. Secure your finances. WS' like to run the BS broke.

12. Have a heart to heart with your children. Let them know you are not about to abandon them. Their mom loves them but they like yourself may find your W is not behaving as a W and mother. Instead she is quite alienlike in her attitude and conduct. Given that fact, u need t/b each others support (u and your children). Keep open communication with each other (u and your children). Will the WS feel like you are ganging up on her? Yes you are. Like an intervention of sorts in a very strong attempt to disengage the WS from your W. OF course you can't do it all, your W must want to come back.

12. Once the A is an undeniable fact, consider exposing to the OM's W or even his management. Not sure how they will react so be prepared. Not all will support or help your cause.

13. Keep a journal and keep posting here.

14. This is just for starters. U up to the task? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

15. TAke care of yourself, physically, mentally, emotionally, spritually and finacially.

take care,
L.

Sorry you are here, my friend, but Orchid gave you excellent advice. Additionally, if you have her underwear, you might want to order a semen detection kit to see if there is anything on them: http://www.getcheckmate.com/

I ordered checkmate. I hope to recv it in two days. I already the the OM and His spouse know about my information and recording. Uggh I should have waited.

Now she is trying to spin he is just a friend she 'wanted to hear his voice' who says that to their boss who is a friend?

I screwed up. I am working on my LBs and have his needs her needs; i didnt think it was an affair so I dont have surviving an affair! I am so confused. She is angry and says this confirms how psycho I am and why she wanted out.

Uggh

Listen to Orchid's advice. While you may have exposed a little early, it won't matter much. I can tell you that even if you have solid evidence, they usually deny.

Her being angry and saying this confirms how psycho you are is STANDARD WS script when they are exposed. Check out Gramn and Foundareason's posts. You will see how exposed women act.

So don't get caught up in the should haves - you did it, and the affair is starting to see the light of day. Now is the time to get strong. Hang in there.

But I have no concrete evidence just a rather intimate phone conversation, and some hearsay statements.

You have enough evidence for YOU to know it is an A. You don't have to convince her it is an A, she already knows..she will be hiding it THAT MUCH MORE now. The question is, are YOU convinced.

What did the OMW say? Does she beleive you? Is it worth another call to her to put your heads and facts together to see a pattern? She probably has her suspicioins too, or can pass on some knowledge to you (may not be OM's first A).

This smells like a duck, don't let her or anyone else convince you it is a moose. If family members need to be told (like her sister) invite her over to listen to the phone message. Let her make up her own mind.

Hey billp, sorry to hear you're a statistic like the rest of us. You didn't spill the beans too early, if I would have done my exposure earlier I could have avoided the PA part of my wife's daliance and have a little less of a fix-it job to do.

Tell everyone who cares about you and your wife including family and very close, long-term friends. Let your boss know why you're acting funny (you will be, despite your best attmepts) in as much detail as you're comfortable with. Then tell your WW what you've done- she may get pissed (mine did) but she'll get over it.

Good luck and stay tough.

Well the OMW had him cut off all contact with my WW. I told her my info and she said my WW always acted strange around her so it is enough to convince her that her husband did not have a proper relationship with her (he never confided all the phone calls or communication after hours). So my wife is fired from a part time job she loved.. and hates me. But I think the affair wether phys or emotional is over. Now she wants to try and rush our doorce so she can get rid of the psycho controlling me. I am working on avoiding LBs and being with my kids. But I feel awful folks!

billp,

You handled this situation almost perfectly. Expose early , expose to those most affected by this disgrace, and separate the WS from their OM.

The only thing missing from your grand slam is your WW telling you that" was the last straw....I'm outraged at your intrusion on my privacy...now YOU are to blame for what is going to happen next...our marriage is over"

Now is the time to shut your mouth except for quietly telling your WW how badly she hurt you. Don't say another word, no I love you's, no what a great life we have had....just complete and utter silence.

Best of luck. Keep it silent!

Don't worry about concrete evidence. I had hotel bills (in the middle of the day, when WH was supposed to be working), caught them in bed, checked for months to see them living together, and WH still denies it.

You have enough proof to know that their relationship has stepped over the line.

So is that my plan now. no contact with her, avoid her at home? Do I continue to monitor her actions or do I back off? I am so confused about the appropriate actions even when i take the right ones they feel wrong.

It seems we went back to withdrawal phase where she is trying to run from me. Is this natural. What can I do besides be there for my kids? Was i worng to expose this to my almost 21 year old daughter?

IMO back off completely. Interact only when absolutely necessary and even then at a minimum. No emotion from you other than a smile and being upbeat. Absolutely no talk of relationship, love or future. Treat her with kindness and respect and DO NOT ACCEPT ANYTHING OTHER THAN KINDNESS AND RESPECT IN RETURN.

You have a 21 year old daughter, use her as an intermediary but never lie or exaggerate or embellish the truth to this daughter.

Get out of the house and mingle with friends INCLUDING FEMALE friends. Mingle but not in a one on one situation.

Do not go out of your way to make life easier for her. Ratchet down the monetary support to minimal levels. Establish a separate checking account.

If she take two steps away from you.... then you take three.

Do not let her suck you in to interactions meant ONLY to see if you are still there. She will test you over and over. Every time you respond in the affirmative, you drive her further away. Modify this last piece of advice ONLY with a NC letter that she completes on her own and you proof with her and there is proof of delivery

Make her aware of the realities of HER decisions.

Best of luck. This will take a lot of huevos! If worse comes to worst you will only have lost something you already lost( your wife) but you will retain your self respect and dignity.

Thanks for the advice I kind of expected that.. I want to follow her and continue to validate whether the OMW was able to cut this off or not. My guess is they will try and sneak and it kills me. If I deposit my check into my new account it will cause things to bounce as we have auto-pay. Should I stop this>>>? I feel so helpless, and I am already tired and worn down. Not sure I can get through this.

Hi all I am really making this worse!

I am working on removing my angry outbursts and lack of affection (my LBs) and have made progress here. Not sure what WS really thinks of this as she will not talk to me.

We have always struggled to have clear adult conversations.

Well I exposed the affair to all and called to many people to often and now she is using this to show people I am not balanced and perhaps need mental help! Uggh

How do I back off while keeping in plan A ans exposing this affair for what it is?

We are in process for a divorce that I am slowing down as much as possible and this also confuses me as to how to frame plan A and plan B.

workingoneme, what do you mean by calling "too many people too often?" What have you done exactly? To whom have you exposed and what did you tell them? Are you calling the same people more than once?

As far as the divorce, that shouldn't determine which plan you are in. You should be in whichever plan suits your situation and at first glance it appears you should be in Plan A.

Yes I called his wife 3 times in one evening, my brother in law, my wifes friend, I threated to tell her parents. Ughh she has them beliving I lost it.

Well, I would suggest that you do stay in frequent contact with the OMW as long as it is productive and as long as the affair continues. I wouldn't threaten to call her parents, though. I would just call them up. That is a key exposure.

You should call most folks ONCE to expose the affair and then don't call them back. The only exception would be the OMW. She needs to be kept in the loop.

And who cares if she thinks you are crazy? You aren't doing it to get her approval, but to bust up her affair. She isn't supposed to like it.

I would strongly suggest you knock off the lovebusters. Lovebusters just make the OM look more attractive than you. You don't want to help him.

Have you exposed to the OM's boss?