I have posted this question under another category but decided that it might fit better in here.
I was wondering if anyone had any advice on forgiving.
A little background information:
My husband and I have been married almost a year (1 yr on July 20th). We dated for 3 years before we got married. While we were a year and a half into dating my husband (then boyfriend) cheated on me with an ex-girlfriend (she lived in Michigan, we lived in South Carolina). I found out when I stopped by his house one day and found her sitting in the kitchen. She had no idea about me and told me that they had been dating about 4 weeks. I broke up with him that night. A few days later I was sent off to Basic Training for the Air Force. While in Basic my husband (then ex-boyfriend) decided to write me (he got the address from my dad). We ended up writing to each other and he let me know that he still really loved me and that he would never cheat on me again. He assured me that he had learned his lesson and that he had been very heartbroken about my breakup and missed me terribly. He asked me if I would like to try again. I first said no, but then a month later after phone conversations I decided to give it another try. I was in Texas at the time and he was in South Korea, so we didn’t see each other for another year. In 2003 I got stationed in Florida. My husband got orders to South Carolina, his follow on from Korea. We decided to get engaged since things were working out so well. In July 2004 we got married. In March 2005 we finally got orders to Idaho so that we could be together. Things have been wonderful ever since. About a month and a half ago I found out I was pregnant. I was/am having severe morning sickness (hyperemesis gravidarum) and was hospitalized for a week. I had a catheter placed in my arm so that I could receive a special solution in place of food (which I couldn't keep down). My husband has been taking amazing care of me. He helps me with everything and doesn’t complain. He prepares my solution, helps me take baths, helps me to the restroom and many, many other things. To me he has finally proven how much I mean to him and that he would never cheat on me again. We are very excited about our first child.
My problem is that I can’t seem to forgive what he has done. I love him with all my heart and know that he would never hurt me again, yet the thoughts of him cheating on me and the night that I met his “girlfriend” keep coming back to me. It haunts me. I know it’s in the past and it’s over, but why can’t I forgive? Can anyone give me advice on what to do?

Hi Madlena,

Forgiveness is not a matter of 'can or cannot'..it is a choice, a decision, an act of the will.

It is rather like choosing to cancel a debt. In doing so you are choosing to take on the debt.

It is easier if we recall that we have ourselves have messed up and been forgiven.

None of us can go back and undo the wrongs that we have done or make up for them, and you can't be 100% sure that he won't hurt you in this way again.

Forgive him anyway. Unforgiveness tends to get in the way of love.

The painful memories have a way of healing when we forgive.



Shul

Forgiveness is definitely a choice and it does not always mean we forget. Memories come back to us sometimes unannounced, but if we have forgiven the person the pain associated with memory is not fresh and pungent each time.

The best think would be to tell him how it made you feel when he cheated. I am sure he will respond with apologies again to which you can forgive and you can remember that forgiveness and go back to it each time the memories come back to you.

Forgiveness means being strong enough to withstand the heavy weight of injury but resilient enough to recover.

Life is often unfair. Forgive life's inevitable failures.

Forgive yourself: for not being fully yourself and for being only yourself.

Out of self-forgiveness comes the power to extend forgiveness to others.

You have the right to feel sad, betrayed,angry, resentful-when- you've been injured. Understand, accept, and express your feelings. Pushing them below the surface only means they will erupt in
another place, at another time. .

Confront those who have hurt you; tell them how you feel or speak to them in your imagination.

Forgiveness does not mean accepting further abuse. Establish boundaries.

Justice may right the wrongs, but forgiveness heals the hurt.

Sometimes people hurt you because, like you, they are learning and growing.

To refuse to forgive is to continue to hurt yourself.

Recognize how you've refused to forgive.

Victims are helpless, at the mercy of the offender. Take charge by forgiving.

Know that forgiveness is possible even when someone doesn't seem to deserve forgiveness.

Forgiveness is the only real prescription for the pain you feel over someone else's behavior.

Think of forgiveness as a powerful survival skill.

If you find it hard to forgive your parents, remember: they were shaped by the imperfect parenting they received from parents who were shaped by their own parenting, and so on and so on ...

Forget about forgetting an injury.

Forgiveness sterilzes the wound, which permits healing, which releases energy for growth.

No loving relationship is free of hurts.

No offense is unforgivable--unless you make it so.

When you are having a difficult time forgiving, recall a moment when you wanted to be forgiven.

Forgiveness takes practice.

Forgiveness is a lifelong process. Forgive over and over--even for the same offense.

Forgiveness may seem futile when you see no immediate results.

No one can make you feel bad. Take responsibility for your feelings; claim your power.

You cannot change someone for the better by holding a grudge.

Ask yourself whether "I can't forgive" means "I won't forgive".

Forgiveness takes courage and determination.

Allow forgiveness to open the door.

Past offenses can be bulldozed and buried and a better life built atop the debris.

Don't put conditions on your forgiveness, or your inner peace will depend on the decision of the person who hurt you.

When someone won't forgive you, refusing to forgive in return is no answer.

To help you forgive, picture the other person surrounded by the light of God. See yourself stepping into that same light, and feel God's presence with you both.

Forgive even when there has been no apology or restitution.

Forgiveness is not something you do for someone else;. it is something you do for yourself. Give
yourself the gift of forgiveness.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Who is/are the person(s) that 1 find difficult to forgive?
Do 1 want to forgive him/her/them?
What will be my first step towards forgiveness?
Am 1 truly aware of the fact that forgiving someone does NOT mean allowing abusive behavior to continue?
To forgive someone else is to give myself a gift.