Brief summary of our recovery: I was away with friends backpacking on dday. My W was tipped off by a mutual aquintance and confronted OW via phone. OW confessed (and fabricated some stuff in an effort to cause W and I to divorce). My W had 3 days to act before I would come home. She changed the locks, changed the alarm code, emptied my personal belongings into the garage and vacted the house for my return. She called a lawyer to file for D. Fortunately the lawyer was the good kind and he insisted she wait to do anything, knowing an A rarely ends a M. When I got back in cell range there were 7 VM's from OW warning me my W knew everything.

I called home - no answer. Called her cell, she picked up, in a calm tone explained she knew about OW. Said she wanted D and asked me to leave the house or she wasn't coming home. Not wanting my kids away frorm thier home I agreed, packed my RV and left.

This is when the begging and groveling began (it wasn't pretty) she refused MC and any thought of forgivness. Then I found this place. I started asking questions. Veterans such as Octobergirl, Believer (who posted to you above) among others came to my rescue and coached me on how to save my M and eased my fears when I was hitting a brick wall with my W. My W was pissed to say the least - I sent flowers, she refused them (that call from the florist was embarressing)
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />. I called she let the machine answer. She of course let me see my children but avoided contact with me.

I showed remorse and willingness to change, soon she cracked and agreed to MC with Steve Harley with no guarantees. Steve reassured her our M could be better than ever and she trusted him. I also got myself in IC (as SH suggested) to demonstate change (not just words, they are cheap) In about 2 weeks she got on board fully and commited to reconsiliation. After 2 months out of the house I came home well ahead of projected schedule.

There was a period of full honesty about my A that lasted for a few days but then she let it go having all the answers and confirming they matched the dates and times she had compiled. Since then she has avoided reminders, one of those reminders is this forum. She rarely visits. She hates A talk. This is her way of dealing with it. I fear she burys her feelings, that may not be good, but I also think it's wrong to push her into my views of how it should be handled.

You can't wory about when she's going to "sentence you" I understand you want it over with but you just have to wait her out. Honestly, it may never come. Just be good to her, demonstate change. Be patient and understanding for the pain we have caused our wifes. Feel lucky things are not worse.

As I said before, we are in bliss these days (aside from some personal demons I'm facing). A few weeks ago we renewed our wedding vows on our 7th anniversary (details can be read on the anniversary ideas forum here). It was a surprise for her and restored much of what was lost.

Hang in there my friend, your doing fine, your description of how your W is handling it is VERY encouraging. You have no worries as long as you stick to pulling the recovery cart for her.

Sorry, I guess that wasn't so brief. I'll keep checking back with you here.

heartmending -

Thanks for the help and affirmation that I'm finally doing the right thing.

I will be as consistent as possible and continue working just as before d-day to improve my side of the relationship. As I mentioned before, I've really worked on it over the past two years since the end of the A, and although I haven't been perfect in my efforts, things really have improved substantially and she has noticed. I understand very, very well that it will be actions, not words, that send her the message that I'm serious about rebuilding trust, sticking with our M at all costs and improving it over a lifetime.

She is in total control right now and that's the way it should be. If she doesn't want to deal with it until she's further along in the pregnancy or after the baby's born, that's her decision. I worry about the consequences of delay, however. I won't press the issue with her but do you have any thoughts about the effects it might have to wait to deal with it? It's already more than two years ago and I have pretty much become a different and better person. Everyone here says it should be dealt with ASAP, but is it possible that further delay, and life events (like having a child) might actually dull and dampen the pain and make recovery easier over the long-term? Thoughts?

Thanks again.

- lovherso

HINY -

Thanks again for the perspective. I'm sure I'll be coming back to you for help as things progress. Still feeling crummy about the timing of the confession, but I guess there's nothing to be done about it now. Speaking of the baby, despite all this, I'm really so excited and can't wait to be a dad for the first time! I'll keep you posted on progress.


Octobergirl -

Thanks for your words. When you say that the step I took (to confess) says a lot about me, do you think that it really helps that much in rebuilding trust? It seems to me sometimes that having an A is like minus 1000 points and being willing to confess is like plus 5 points -- so no matter what, by telling you still end up 995 points behind, if that makes sense. I will keep no contact -- don't worry about that. I have no feelings for the OW and am absolutley committed to NC. I'm with you completely on the who's responsible for the A question, as you may have seen in my post above -- I am responsible, period. I'm in this for the long haul, like you said, and if I seem impatient it's just because I'm an action-oriented guy and I'm grasping at straws to try and find next steps -- but everyone seems to be telling me that the only next step is to wait for her, which I will do. You say to "have a plan," but I don't quite know where to begin in developing that until I get some additional indication from her...


racerx -

Thanks for the full story on your sitch, man. You've been through a lot. My wife didn't react nearly so negatively as yours, but I'm concerned that it's going to get worse as time goes by and the full realization hits her. Does phone counseling with Harley really work that well? I would suggest it but I think she'd think it was "weird" to do something like that over the phone. Does he still do personal counseling if one can get to Minneapolis? Also, is my description of how she's handling it really that encouraging? I'm worried she's just in deep, deep denial and that this thing could explode at any moment. I've asked if there's anything I can do to "pull the recovery cart" and she says no.

LHS,

Well there is your answer then. Try not to smother her. I am sure she will let you know when she is ready to talk, touch and recover. I think she is doing this her way right now.

I am so excited for you. I have two kids. The birthing thing is so awesome. Well unless you are the one pushing it out....LOL! I forgot to say congrats!

You might also want to post over on the recovery board that is where me and RacerX and most in recovery hang out these days. I post on both boards if something I see catches my eye, but mostly the recovery board.

Hang in there, I think you have got it (which most FWS don't) and are doing great under the circumstances.

HINY

Actually works quite well, I thought it odd at first too. It's nice because it's easy to fit into your schedule (no drive time etc.) Another good thing is that honesty is MUCH easier via phone.


Not sure



Yes, (i.e. you not out on your butt...) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />



You could be right, but I can;t see her breaking to the point the M is over. Things my get bumpy but just hang on, be patient, loving and understanding and I think you'll be OK.




Heres where your missing something. You ARE pulling the recovery cart my man. Your HERE! your learning, your doing all you can. Thats pulling the cart! Most of these BS's would KILL to have a FWS with your attitude!

HINY asked me to come to your thread because she saw something different in you. I see it too. Keep it up!

Hi LH,

I just wanted to post a "quick" repsonse for now since I just got home from work(zzzz)but I hope to be back more this weekend.

When I suggested that coming here said a lot about you I meant in the sense that you are remorseful and willing to try and make ammends.I have only seen a very small handful of WH's come here,and be the first in the marriage,to try to get help for what they did.My WH still thinks this site is a waste of time and that everyone here has it all wrong even though HE is the one that introduced me to it.He never took advantage of it either.

Your W feels you to be untrustworthy and you are.You have to start from ground zero all over again to rebuild that trust and yes the A did cost you major points in that department and many other's.Your previous marriage was shattered and it's dead.You are starting anew.If your W is anything like me and many other BW's here,she will be watching your every move to see if you are being honest about no contact,about your desire to be with her,help her with the pregnancy,being a Husband and soon to be Father,everything.Every step you take will be an act of either care or hurt.It may feel suffocating at times as you wait to see how she handles all this and what her emotions are but if you know what to expect,it may make it easier to deal with.

To use me as an example again,I watched my WH's moves all day every day post DDAY.I was basically waiting for him to betray me again since I didn't trust him.Despite his false attempts at recovering with me,he did in fact betray me again and again with lies and hurtful behavior not to mention repeated behavior that was present prior to the affair(i.e.long hours spent on the computer,withdrawal and sullen mood,lack of attention,etc).

We can still help you with a plan even though your W is confused and hurt right now.There are things to be doing that are helpful,some of which have already been mentioned.This will be a true test of your ability to weather the storm in ways you never thought you could.This isn't something you can hurry up and fix with your action oriented sensibilities unfortunately.You will either make it the priority to wait with patience no matter what you are feeling if your W,unborn child,marriage and family mean the most to you or you will crumble under your own weakness and bail.You will have to do a lot of introspection during this whole process but that could actually be very rewarding.

Will be back later on.Keep taking the advice of these wise folks here.Hang in there.

O

Hi HINY, racerx, octobergirl -

Thanks guys.

I am really trying not to smother, but it's hard. About once or twice a day I offer "anything I can do or say to help" and every time she says "no." Should I stop even offering and just continue to do nice things for her (actions rather than words)? Is even my offer just a painful reminder and do you think she's considering it annoying or should I keep it up? I tell that I wish I could just take away all the pain, and she just says "I know, but you can't."

I would post over on recovery but I want to wait until there's kind of a "verdict" laid down by her and we actually begin recovering -- I hope. Right now I feel like we're at a total standstill, and while I understand this must be done on her time frame, I'm just really scared -- sorry. Should I suggest Harvey counseling or just wait for her to say something? I've suggested that she maybe do IC, we do MC or she even talk to a friend about this, but she has said "no" thus far on the counseling and -- as far as talking to friends goes -- she has said that this is "our private problem." I'm trying to follow all of octobergirl's advice about rebuilding trust and demonstrating my feelings, but I'm getting little response from her thus far. I'll just keep working at it. I can say, though, that every action I've taken has been one of "care" and not of "hurt," as octobergirl puts it.

Yesterday was OK. Talked to her a few times throughout the day on the phone. She was civil but it was obviously not our usual phone banter, though she did respond "me too" when I told her I loved her. At the end of the work day, when I asked how she was doing, she said she was feeling "overwhelmed" by "things at home," meaning the A, which is one of the few times she's actually brought it up.

I went to class (grad school) and when I came home she had made supper -- usually I cook but when I have class she makes dinner so we can eat soon after I get home, which is usually after 9 p.m. on class nights. Everything was fairly "normal," except for the obvious (less talking, no happy talk or reviews of our days, and little physical greeting).

She did let me give her a hug, though, which felt so good. I never thought I simple hug could bring me so much joy. I finally understand what you mean when you guys say you have to rebuild from scratch.

We ate dinner and sat around watching some TV -- our usual routine. I told her that I loved her and she said "I know. I love you too but I'm just having a hard time saying it these days." I said "I understand," and "I'm so sorry."

I cleaned up the kitchen and we went upstairs to bed. As she was clicking off the light she said "Now's the time, when I go to bed, when it really hits me. I think about our trip last year (we took an extended vacation overseas) and think about what a good time we had, and I didn't even know the truth (this was during the time post-A, but before she knew). I just am trying to figure out how to deal with this. I want to just ignore it but I'm afraid if I bury it it will come out later and be bad." I told her again how sorry I was and that I would do anything to try and make things right.

This morning was a kind of a hard one. She let me give her a ride to work, but we hardly talked at all. So I'm sitting here now, waiting (tick-tock), trying not to call her and bug/remind her, and wondering what the weekend will hold -- when she actually gets a chance to sit and think about this. She's great at keeping herself preoccupied with work or projects or other stuff, and I'm very scared that once she really sits down and thinks about this it's going to be bad...

I'm just so scared. I know I deserve it, but I'm just so scared.

I'm not going to crumble, however. I am in this for the long haul and am determined to keep the M together no matter what it requires of me.

I love her so much.

loveherso,

you sound very sincere and i truly think that you two are going to be okay. this is extremely difficult for your wife (and for you, too), especially since she's also pregnant with her first child. the reason that i think that you are going to be okay is because you seem truly remorseful and you recognize and realize your mistake and the role that you played in the breakdown of your marriage.

i wouldn't push too much on the marriage counseling or individual counseling issue at this time anymore, but let her know that you are committed to doing whatever it takes to make your marriage a better place and that if she wishes to go to mc that you will be available whenever that is. leave it at that.

i've been reading your posts and they brings tears to my eyes. i'm basically in the same boat, but i'm the bw. my husband is remorseful, but he's reluctant to go to counseling and he would rather forget about the issue and move on with life. you and your wife are in a better position.

when she's read for counseling, i would definitely suggest phone counseling with dr. harley. i've heard so many good things about him. another good place that you may check out, especially for individual counseling if you wife is interested is the women's center in vienna, va.

take care and good luck to you!

Thanks dusa -

I so appreciate your encouragement and belief that we are "going to be okay." I'm clinging to any thread of hope right now. From what BW is saying, I guess there's some justification for optimism, but it seems so early on I just don't know what to think. Like I said, I'm worried once the full weight of this hits her that it's going to get bad.

She told me she's not looking forward to the weekend -- I think because we don't have much going on over the next couple of days and this will finally have chance to sink in. We've been pretty busy since d-day.

I won't push on counseling and will let her set the pace. She just seems so (understandably) confused and lost right now that I want to help by offering suggestions. Guess I have to fight that impulse, let her be in control, and make it totally clear that I'm here for her and will do whatever it takes to help us work through this.

Like I said, I'm so scared. I love her so much and wouldn't know what to do without her...

Hi again LH,

This is hard stuff isn't it? And you are only a week+ on this new road.It gives endurance a whole new meaning when it comes to any kind of a recovery post A and we still aren't sure what your W is going to do in the near future.She is still processing or trying to,much of what happened and if I may recommend,educate yourself about PTSD(Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).Many of the symptoms that people have are just what we BS's have.It's part of what makes dealing with this so long,difficult and convoluted.In general,I am a highly organized,efficient person in my life and workplace.But when I found out about my WH's adultery,I was,from then on,a "scatterbrain".I could not remember basic things,I could barely function and I forgot,all the time,basic things.It was truly unnerving and upsetting to be this way.BUT,that was AFTER the intial trauma of finding out.In the first couple of weeks LH,it took all I had just to go on living.Can you understand that? Being in so much pain that it's seems more comforting to end your life rather than go on? The only thing that did keep me going was my two children.Literally.I could not bare to see them be hurt by my being gone.That is all that saved me in the beginning,that is how bad it can be.Then,when I mustered all the strength I could, I made it to the Doctor and got on some AD's,that helped a lot too, eventually.

See,your WW is in the worst part of it right now.She cannot even begin to think about long term,whether to stay or go,what end is up.She is struggling,in a major way.This is why it is critical for you to be as patient as you ever could be NOW.Because for those WS's that are ready to jump in a get cracking at making the marriage better and getting into counseling and "moving on",your WW is still in a sea of pain and not knowing what to do most of the time.

TIME,is what will help her get into action more but it cannot happen much,if at all,right now.Just being there for her,*repeating* sentiments and actions that are caring even though it may not seem to be helping,are helping.It is part of showing your W that you do mean to be there for her.It's also being strong enough,even when you are struggling yourself with your own emotions and guilt,to endure her rollercoaster emotional behavior until things settle down.

I can sense your readiness to get going and work on things(i.e tick tock) but you have to accept that this is going to go at a snails pace.Minute by minute,hour by hour,day by day.That's just how it is to be a betrayed spouse.Walking through the shattered glass that was her world and trying to find a way back into life again.It's a herculean task.

Keep doing what you are,that is the plan ok? Keep:

-offering to help.Take the burden of household duties off her as much as you can

-showing her signs that you love her without asking(i.e. cooking,helping clean up the house,doing laundry,flowers on the table,etc)

-educating yourself on what went wrong.Leave books lying around she may be curious to pick up and read at some point.Take a look at our MB bookstore for ideas.

-showing her affection but not smothering since she will feel awkward about that and you touching her but hand holding and kisses on the cheek may be good starters.Hugs too if she's receptive.

-show her that YOU are working on yourself,if nothing else.Let her know you are going to see a counselor to help educate yourself and try to make things better.Show her by actions you are trying.She will take notice even if she doesn't seem to be.

-being available,BE AROUND.Now,this is actually a personal decision and may not apply to your W but for ME,it was critical that my WH be around and in view for much of his days.Afterall,I was so worried he was out and sneaking around trying to call or e-mail the homewrecker or secretly see her.I was SO WORRIED,all day that I would literally shake.In the first few weeks/months it's important for her to see you home,not on the phone with some stranger or e-mailing secretly.You should be one open book.

Does all this make sense?

O

P.S. It is very important that your W get help too and that she one day see that you BOTH need to work on this marriage ok? Right now we are working with you but make no mistake,a marriage takes TWO and one day she will need to be a part of it's salvation as well.She can't avoid this forever.One day she will have to deeply address everything if there is to be a chance.We all recognize this so don't think we don't expect it of her too but she just isn't ready yet.

Boy what a flashback....I sure remember wanting to push our recovery into overdrive, asking to come home, asking for her to commit 100% to recovery etc. I remember people here telling me to take things at her pace so I understand how hard this is.

My biggest mistake was asking to come home. I was miserable living in my RV on the side of my mothers house, hispanic music thumping by 8 am and going till midnight. My moms neighbors TV going ALL night over the fence and about 10 feet away from his bedroom window and he was apparently hard of hearing so it was turned way up. My back hurting from sleeping on a bed that's fine for a week but after that it has it's limitations....LOL Not to mentionion the apparent chicken farm he had with a minimum of 3 roosters, they started at the slightest hint of daylight.

Steve Harley and people here warning against getting my own apartment...oh no, that would be a sign of noncommitment from me and seen as me moving on with my life.

Steve reapeatedly told me to quit trying to convince her recovery would be easier if I came home. It took almost 2 months for that to sink in before I complied. Funny thing is, when I finally did stop, I was home literally within a week.


I'm not saying your making the same mistake, actually I think your doing just fine. I'm only giving you an example of how patience can work in your (and your W's) favor.

OG, is giving excellent advice from a BW's view. My W also wanted me in view at all times. I suspect that even though your A ended 2 years ago it's still very fresh for her and makes zero difference.

As far as counseling with Steve Harley (Not to be confused with his father *DR* Harley) I think it's a great idea. I think the biggest thing he did for me was coaching me on how to help my wife. He would talk to her and then me. My W is like yours, I would ask what I can do, she would say "nothing, I just need time". Steve would talk to her and then make a plan for me. I wouldn't push your W but I may say - Honey, I'm going to seek counseling from Steve Harley in an effort to see if he can help me learn how to help us heal and also what I can do myself to help you as best I can, would you like to talk with him also?

These are a few of the things he suggested for me, they may not work for your W but I doubt they could hurt. These are in order I believe.

1. Take responsibilty for my A. Never tell her it was the result of her not meeting one of my needs.

2. Get myself in IC to demonstate change.

3. When she asks details of my A (he knew it was coming) be 100% honest. He informed me she knew more than I suspected and any descrepency could be a deal breaker.

*I met OW online and most correspandonce was via IM and email so the following applied*

4. Change my cell number, disconnect car phone, change my email accounts (incl changing passwords to old account to a series of random numbers that I couldn't possibly remember).

5. Make NEW phone records and email accounts open and available to her including giving her all passwords.

6. Don't leave her sight (we work together). Give up hanging out with friends etc. without her. If your going to be late, be sure to call. Also, I love you calls when gone work wonders. No A talk, Just I love you, I'm thinking of you stuff.

7. Sell my SUV (OW had been in it). This was the one thing I did not do. I ran it for a month in the paper (my wife set the price) and it didn't sell. At the end of that month my W asked me to give her more time to get over it before I sold it (she loved the vehicle too). We covered it for a couple of months and now she drives it more than I do. I think my willingness to sell it was what was important to my W.

8. As OG said, Do as many household chores as you possibly can. However, one thing SH warned me of - make sure she understands that you taking that burden all on yourself is temporary, otherwise when she begins to heal and no longer needs this done for her and you return to your normal chores it could be seen as returning to your old ways.

*I never really got this one. HELP me on #9 OG (or other BS)....LOL* I would especially like to hear if you disagree.....do you like your H to grovel and kiss your feet? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

9. Be strong! I was a basket case, I showed remorse by groveling, crying, begging forgiveness. SH told me this isn't appealing, even to a BS. I feel we must show these things but theres a line somewhere, unfortunatley I can't begin to tell you where it is. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

One thing I thought of on my own for your situation would be to really get into the coming baby. If the babys room could use anything do it for her. Wallpaper, painting etc. If it doesn't need it, do it anyway...LOL (unless she already did it). Show excitment for the miracle thats coming.


I hope this helps LHS. I really feel for you, I know how scary the uncertainty is.

p.s. I just re-read your first post. This A didn't go ALL the way. Much easier to get over IMO. I know some may disagree but thats my opinion. Another plus in my book.

Racer X

You've come a looooong way baby!

Good job!

Thanks Pep...You just made my day! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You were a basketcase ... I remember <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ... and now .... AMAZING RECOVERY

you 'da MAN!

Yes Pep, you were there for me too, I will never forget it.

You've always told it like it is so your kind words mean the world to me.

I still have lots to learn but I'm getting there I think.

Thanks october -

You tell it like it is, and I appreciate that.

This IS hard stuff. Really hard stuff. But not nearly as hard as it must be for BW. As much pain as I'm in right now, I can't begin to fathom what she is -- or is about to -- go through. I don't know where I'm going to find it, but I WILL have the endurance to get through this and do all I can to save the M no matter what it costs me.

She is still processing, but each day I get small glimmers of hope. She still tells me that "we will make it" and "we will get through this." These are encouraging, but I'm not taking anything for granted and I realize that she might have moments in coming months when she thinks that we actually won't get through. I dread those days, but am steeling myself for that time. I hope that I can fall back on you guys for help and advice on how to try and turn things around when and if those days arrive.

I need to be stronger for her -- I'm just so scared right now I can't see straight and I have to admit that by repeatedly asking her how she is and what I can do to help, I'm probably inadvertently pressuring her to give a "verdict" before she's ready. I need to be more patient and I will.

I will repeat sentiments and actions that are caring no matter what. She could scream at me angrily all day long (not really her style) and I'll just keep up the work. I'm ready to take whatever she dishes out (I deserve it, don't I) and keep working to help her.

I'll keep going to IC, although I have concerns about whether she thinks that this is me proving that I'm willing to change and figure myself out for her or if she just thinks it proves that I'm kind of a nut (the evidence -- my A -- certainly points in that direction).

The big challenge I face right now is this: I know she needs me to be strong for her in order to get through this, but every time I think about a future without her I get so scared and weak I can barely stand, which makes me even more scared that I will lose her, which makes me weaker, and so on, and so on, and so on. It's a loop I'm going to have to break out of, and quick.

I will be around for her at all times, although in our relationship I tend to be the clingy one and she tends to be the more independent one. I think she has no worries about me contacting OW and doesn't seem all that concerned about it. She knows what a guilt-obsessed person I am and can see the remorse every time she looks at me and I think has little doubt that this A was long over, years ago and there could be no relapse.

Thanks again, O.

- love her so

Racer,

You are one of our shining examples of what it means to recover.I feel proud to have been there in the beginning for you with the other's in helping because I knew that you were sincere as I feel LH is right now.I do have hope for him and his W.By the way,#9,I feel it is very important for BS and WS to show and discuss how they feel.It has to be out in the open but I do agree with not groveling or appearing too needy,as IF we could manipulate our emotions so much! And...

LH,

There was a point when I was SO low that I was sobbing and asking my WH not to leave me.Well,that definitely sent him the other way.Boy was that hard to endure.When I needed him most he abandoned me.Ugh.Sad memories.If you can find a balance with your feelings,do let them out ok? You did make a choice to be unfaithful(sans actual sex) but you are hurting too I know and it will not help you to keep your feelings bottled up.Get it out someway, somehow.Do talk to your wife gradually about how you are feeling.Don't be too heavy though,not yet.That will come later in the deep processes of recovery.

Also,if I may add,you repeated how scared you are.Face it head on, all the dark and dirty corners.Face your fear,examine it,learn from it.The biggest fear I had in the beginning was thinking of a life without my best friend,my husband, whom I chose to grow old with.It was SO hard to think about that.I nearly came apart thinking of being on my own without him in my life.But now,I feel SO differently.Point is,once you face your fears head on,they have less power over you.

*What exactly about a future with your W scares you? Examine it,discuss it here with us.Let's break that loop by talking it out.

Also,I agree with Racer.Your A may have ended long ago BUT your W's world exploded only this past week with your admission.And,she also has to contend with the idea that you have kept this secret all this time.So she will not only feel betrayed about the A but also that she was living a lie.Very hard stuff.I was very independent too in my life and marriage but when this all happened,I never needed my WH more.To comfort me,reassure me and tell me we could get through this,etc.(never happened) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

We will always be here.Coming and going.There are many here who are so wonderful and have been at this a long time.Stay on GQII for awhile.This gets the most traffic and you need the input right now.And you have two great aspects that run in your favor: the A is long over with,which many here would love to see happen with their own situations,and you are a remorseful (F)WH.Have hope.I do and I don't say that often. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

O

Thanks Racer -

I've made the decision to back off on any pushing whatsoever -- not that I really have been but I'm going to have to be more careful from here on out. From now on it's just going to be repeated daily assurances of "I love you, am here for you, and will be no matter what." I am not going to ask if there's anything specific I can do unless she brings up the A/recovery. Otherwise I think she perceives my "is there anything I can do?" question as a call for her to take action and come up with something for me to do. That's bad, and it's putting pressure on her.

Patience, patience, patience.

As far as the Harley checklist you gave me, here's where I am right now:

1. I've taken full, 100 percent responsiblity for the A and will place no blame on her.

2. Am in IC (though am having trouble getting an appointment for next week).

3. I will be 100 percent honest about A details she asks(not sure what she'll ask or when those questions will come -- I suspect she won't want a ton of detail, but who knows -- there really isn't a whole lot of detail anyway because things never went very far).

4. Never e-mailed with OW. Only cell # I ever called her from is dead and long gone.

5. Will give her all phone records and e-mail addresses/passords if she asks.

6. I will stay in her sight as long as she can take it. To be honest, I can hardly bear having her out of my sight but have kept my mouth shut because I don't want to smother. We work across town from each other, but I typically call and e-mail at least 5-10 times a day and am almost always at my desk if she decides to call me (she hasn't since d-day). I don't hang out with any friends without her, and haven't really since the A ended. I always have called when I'm late.

7. Only car where anything ever happened (just a single kiss) is already long gone (donated to charity. OW has been in our current car, but it's a lease and may be tough to get rid of. I will offer to find a solution with the dealership if it ever becomes an issue.

8. Will step up the household chores -- and as far as temporary goes, I'm willing to do all of them for the rest of my life if that's what it's going to take to keep us together.

9. Am trying to be strong but this is the toughest part. Trying not to grovel, trying not to cry whenever the issue is brought up. Am trying to be matter of fact and strong, saying "I am here for you and I always will be. You're in charge, and I'll do all the work and whatever it takes to help us get through this." It's a fine line to walk but I'm trying my best. Doesn't help right now that the whole future's up in the air -- this issue plus baby on the way plus active job search underway -- but I'm working on this part the hardest.

Thanks again, racer.

Thanks OG! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> and you were right, I was sincere. I still fight the fight daily. I think she's glad she kept my sorry a$$. LOL
I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again - Thanks for being there when I was in LHS' shoes. I feel especially grateful when I relive it all reading his posts.

LHS, deep breathes, try to relax as much for your own sanity as for her. Easier said than done I know.