First of all, I want to thank everyone for being with me this weekend. It was, without a doubt, the worst weekend I've had. Never in my life, not even at the beginning, have I felt so hopeless and worthless. It's been building all week and seemed to be winning. I don't know what I would have done without you all. Well, it's not gone yet, but today, so far anyway, I have not cried. That's a good sign. Didn't sleep much - thinking, thinking, thinking. So afraid to hope.<P>How do I proceed, now? One thing that I didn't say on the other threads (so much went on this weekend) was one comment H made while here yesterday. "I can't ever come back. I know that it might be good if I do. I know it will be good tomorrow and maybe next month, or maybe even next year, but it won't be good forever. I'm not the same responsible husband and father anymore. I can't last forever and not mess up. I won't take the chance that in ten years I will be unhappy again and then I'll be too old to start over. I will NOT take that chance."<P>I can't get that out of my mind. I know what I believe and I told him. But he doesn't buy it. Now this may just be a justification. Or it may be how he feels. I have spent the morning searching old posts - printed out a few - Kat1, the camping story, stuff w/ Suse and DMac, Roofman's "Honeymoon" thread. I'm saving them all for when it may be a good time to let him read them. It may never be a good time. In his state of mind, I feel he will ignore the overwhelming "success" posts and concentrate on the few that say "it's too hard" or "make up your mind and divorce". I don't know. <P>After all this rambling, I guess my question is....how DO I proceed after the things this weekend? Keep up as I've been going. Add more about what a good man he really is inside? Let him read a few posts? There is STILL the possibility that Sweetie is pregnant, no matter what he told his mom. I don't want to push him farther away, but if he is reaching out, I want to reach back.<P>So, what do you guys think? I'm at a loss here.<P>Thanks, so very much for everything.<P>Lori

Good morning Lori!<BR>You're sounding better!<BR>I think you are doing a great job diong what you are doing!!!<BR>Just keep trying to make him comfortable around you. It seems to be working. He seems to want to be there more. <BR>Keep telling him that you believe you can make it work. I know what it's like when they respond with a negative. Maybe he wants you to convince him that it's human to screw up - now and in the future. <BR>don't worry abuot showing true emotions. Cry when you can't help it but let the love shine in your eyes when you can.<BR>Did you read Jackie's post to me a few days ago? She asked me how I convinced my H I loved him. I told her everything I remember. If you didn't read it, check it out. Might give you some ideas from this less than sane lady!!!!<BR>If he will read some of the success stories - go for it. I had H read a little of thestuff from the site that I had printed off. I gave him the stuff on "How to end an affair" and the next step. Highlighted a few things. He told me he wished he had read it before.<BR>I just want to leave you with one thing.<BR>When my H made the phonecall to the bimbo in March telling her it was over, she said to him "I knew you had fallen back in love with your wife." it can be done Lori. Slowly but surely!!!!!<BR>

Lori--<P>I'm here, at this point I'm afraid for only friendly support. I'm stumped by your reports of H's contradictions so I can only imagine YOUR confusions. <P>I feel you need to fight for what you want...your H's return. But I sure don't know what to tell you right now, so I'll take a back seat to the advice of others with actual experience in the specific situation. <P>Is your flu better? You're dwelling on your H's problems (of course); don't ignore your own needs. Is there anyone in the family who may be able to lend a hand in diverting your daughter's attention with something fun or relaxing to do?<P>Laura

Hi, guys - I am better, I think. Still have that hole in my chest that's tormented me all week, but at least I'm NOT crying.<P>WS - Thanks - again and again and again - for all the encouraging words. It's hard for me to wait - "do something, even if it's wrong" ya know? I'll find the thread. I may have read it, I usually read them all, but there are so many of us, my mind gets muddled. I'm really glad I'm not the only one around here who's INSANE! I don't know if he will read them or not - he HAS been reading everything else. I'm not trusting myself and my intuition any more. Seem to have lost all of my confidence all of a sudden. <P>Lucks - how are you? Still got a fever, can't breath, coughing like crazy, BUT haven't gotten sick in 12 hours - hooray! So I guess I'm better. Your advice has always been good for me. I appreciate the support though. He remains such a mystery these days. Did you read in my "blown it" thread that he called last night for the first time? Now, he had said he would call for d's sake, but he only spent a couple of minutes talking w/ her - I let her have company for a while. I sure don't feel like going anywhere. She's upset w/ me right now. She was invited to go to a concert - Family Values Tour - Limp Bisket et.al. and I had to say no. Two 15 year old girls in the midst of concert chaos, dropped off and picked up, I just really had a BAD feeling about it. A group or a chaperone would've made me feel better. Today will be pretty boring for both of us, I'm afraid. Let me know if you have any thoughts.

Lori--<P>Yikes, I'd have made the same decision concerning the concert! My oldest is a 15 yr old girl too. Friday night I let her go with a girlfriend to a high school football game, walking the 2 blocks from our house to the school, knowing neighbors and families would be walking the same path, and still worried. Call me paranoia-mama. I DID give her a gift though...she didn't have mom sitting right behind her in the bleachers (for once).<P>I've had allergy problems and a sinus infection for about 3 weeks now. Aren't we having fun??<P>We're doing pretty well, relationship wise (this week). Had a major "win" over his ex (if you can term it that, I only describe it that way to reflect the feeling of continuous war)--9 yr old stepson came into our primary residential custody this past summer, after failing 3rd grade. H and I both work with him, building his skills. After testing him and considering, we started him in 4th grade here with us, and little by little, we are seeing his progress. I believe this is irking H's ex instead of producing feelings of happiness for stepson's accomplishments--she's been trying to bypass us completely by calling the school and asking them to send all reports directly to her by mail. She's now been informed by the school, in writing, that the primary custodial parent (H) makes all educational decisions for the child, even in the case of joint custody (yes), decides who is on the "pick up list," and no information will be relayed by phone calls. We can't block her from attending school functions and I don't actually mean to--all I want from her is polite SPACE out of respect for our marriage. She is feeling hard the lack of control she has and acts annoyingly. Thus far, she refuses to sign a formal visitation agreement (apparently advised that she would owe child support), and pops up helter-skelter when she feels like it. Quite stressful, esp. since H works nights and I end up carting the kids everywhere for many evening functions. Stepson is playing little league football (and my 10 yr old daughter cheers for the same team), and while she stated quite clearly she doesn't want him playing football, it's too dangerous, she wasn't consulted (oh come on, H played football, lives football, breathes football, this is a surprise?), etc., etc., she's there for most practices and all games too. I assume she's laying in wait to scream foul if stepson stubs a toe and tell him how awful daddy is for letting him play. <P>I keep trying to remain the picture of the smiling new wife, oblivious to her orchestrations...but I'd sincerely love to wring her neck the times when her visitation is up and he comes out of her house crying because she's laid another guilt complex on him due to that control-freak thing she does. Why can't she just be happy for him?<P>Hang in there. What's been going on so far today?<P>Laura

Lori, before the affair I seemed to be able to intuitively knwo what to do that would make H feel good. WHen the affair happened, I too lost confidence in that intuition, after all if it worked the affair wouldn't have happened. I used to doubt every single thing I did. Is this the best way? Maybe I shoudl do it another way? I don't think I'll get any results with this? I was so mixed up. I didn't believe in myself. I wasn't sure it will ever work. Evrytime something really bad happened, like when good/bad luck got me exactly in the same hotel he was with her, I just lost more confidence in myself and in what I could do. Now I look back and realize that even though it didn't look like, I was actually still intuitively doing the right things. They weren't just bringing results right away, but they were working.<BR>As wassy says do keep making an effort to make him feel at ease and confortable with you. A time where he doesn't have to defende himself or his actions. As he feels more and more confortable with being with you, he will be more open and receptive. He will gain more confidence in himself as well, which can be the reason why he feels it won't work. He might be feeling pretty bad about himself and even thinking that maybe he will do it again if you stay together. He might be afraid that you will keep what happened over his head forever, or even thinking about what kind of person he is that could do that to his loved ones. DOn't be discouraged by this.be gentle and udnerstanding, it might help him.<BR>Take care<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

Lucks,<P>It appeared to me from your post that you harbor a great deal of resentment against your H's ex. Did she ever harm you in any way?<P>What is the point of joint custody if the primary custodial parent makes all the educational decisions? It doesn't work like that in my state - and I am glad, even though I am the primary custodial parent. I certainly would seek my H's input in any major educational decisions. In our state he would have the right to get information directly from the school, and that is the way it should be. <P>Of course she is bothered by the lack of control she has - it is her son, and if she has joint legal custody I don't blame her for feeling that way. Heaven knows, I would be more than a tad upset if my H ever signed my son up for football!

Nellie--<P>Thanks for responding. I've only got a minute right now, will start a new post later on the ex subject. Your input is welcomed; I hope you'll check for the post later? <P>Laura

Hi, guys, fever won out over heartbreak - I finally fell asleep and took a nice long nap. I really needed it. D has been great, done the laundry, bathed and groomed the dogs, washed the dishes - wonder what she wants!!!!<P>Lucks - glad to hear from you and glad ss is doing well. You're so patient! I get so angry with what parents do to the kids sometimes! I hate being sick. Not that I've got a lot to do these days, but, I think it makes this whole thing much harder and we don't need that, now do we? I'm gonna read the first part of your post to d - she's being nice but keeps saying "You owe me, ya know?" Secretly, I don't think she minds all that much - just has to ACT like she does. I'll treat her to something a little more "grown-up" soon and she'll forgive me - AGAIN. Nothing much happening today - just me and my insecurities having a pity party! I tried last night to see some good in the last couple of days, took myself WAY overboard and then had nightmares all night. I give up. I have to get rid of this flu before I think about anything else. MIL is on vacation this week, so no way for H to pick up letters. I'm gonna write and mail them anyway. Other than that, all's quiet here. Hey, congrats on your ss and just enjoy wringing her neck in your fantasies!<P>Kat1 - Thanks for your words of support. Yours were some of the threads I searched this morning. For myself as much as him. I'm trying to be good. Sometimes I just want to yell "why the H*** won't you just come home and SEEE??????". I know - that won't work. Probably a MAJOR lovebuster. I'll take your advice though. Maybe this time he WILL keep his promises and call to check on d. We had a nice conversation yesterday, laughing and talking. You know what the hardest thing is? The person that, up until a few months ago, I felt more comfortable with than anyone I had ever known is now the one that makes me the most nervous. This is WORSE than a first date! Lemme ask you guys something. D is singing in public with her chorus group 10/9. I've told him and he indicates he wants to come. I still have to find out the time. I would like him there to hear her, so would she. I would NOT be comfortable with Sweetie there and neither would d. Is it terribly out of line, when I talk to him about the time, to let him know that bringing Sweetie and having d see them together could really upset her? (Not to mention me, but I could handle it, I'm not sure she could) She's only just found out he's dated someone since he left and that hurt her a great deal. I think, if he cares about d, he'll have to make a big choice on this one. <P>Thanks a lot, you guys.<P>Lori

Do you ever sleep- LOL <BR>I'm here, but I don't know how much help I can be. I have to agree with the others. I think what you are and have been doing is working. It may not seem like it is right now, but I think it is.<BR>Don't lose hope, Lori. You know that God works miracles. <BR>Keep doing your Plan A letters and whatever else you think you can.<BR>Take care of that cold, will ya. Take some time for LORI!! This is your friend speaking. I worry about you.<P>Cheryl

Thanks, Cheryl. I'm trying to be good, really I am. You know how scared I am. You should see Shorty - Kristin bathed him and cut his hair, got annoyed with it (he's a toy poodle). Now he's a BALD toy poodle. Must feel awfully weird to him, though!! I'll write you later. <P>Lori