Hi everyone. Well, I posted yesterday that I was planning on staying up last night and talking to H about seeing his cell phone. Well, I feel asleep! So, I got a phone call today from a good friend who is supervisor to the woman who is the mother in law of the OW from last fall. This friend is the one who has told me most of the info about last fall's PA because the mother in law tells her everything ( which she is getting from her some, the other bs I imagine). Just for my own FYI I guess she told me that it only happened a couple of times last fall and that afterwards she felt so extremely guilty she told her H and that is how he found out. I still do not understand the whole situation or why why why and I probably never will. I don't ask my H for the gory details because I do not want to know them. I think my friend wanted to "comfort" me by saying it wasn't like the nightmare picture I had in my head. The few times they did have sex I have no idea where they did, and as much as it bothers me, I guess it doesn't matter. It is done, over with, in the past. She also wanted to tell me that my H is not in the picture with this OW now either. Remember I was concerned about my H tellling me the truth now that I know ow is leaving her H again? Apparently she is leaving because she is just not happy and wants to move out of town (woo hoo! nothing would make me HAPPIER... I am praying she does move.)

So, this morning I talked with my H and said our home needs to be a home of NO SECRETS or LIES, that it has been one for far too long on both of our parts. I told him my cell phone and email are available any time he wants to see them, that we should be able to look at anything at all of eachothers and have nothing to hide, that things needed to be 150% different than they have ever been and that I find the honesty good and refreshing, even if it sometimes hurts.

I asked him if he agreed and he said "I guess" (not much for talking , my H, and of few words) So, I told him anything I had that I may have been keeping secretive such as my savings account at another bank he didn't know I had, and some other things. I said I was an open book. I asked him if he would have problem with me looking at his cell phone whenever I wanted. He kinda seemed surprised I asked. He said he didn't see why it would be. I said good. He was at this point on his way out for work so I will ask him soon to see. I told him I wasn't going to be sneaky anymore, If I wanna know something or see something I am just going to come out and ask.

He just seems so forlorn lately, kinda cranky. I guess this is normal? I think he has a lot on his mind, does a lot of thinking, has confusion. I am sure this complete 360 by me has him thrown? Maybe he is just taking it all in. Sometimes it just scares me that is all, like he is gonna come to me and say, "never mind all this, I am leaving." I guess his state of mind right now is throwing me off a bit. It has been a month since we discussed the PA last fall. And from that point forward it has been a lot of changes and a lot more talking, honesty stuff and trust stuff mostly by me and him listening or answering ?'s. There has never been this kind of complete honesty before. The way things are for me right now have never been this way. A whole new me and way of dealing and planning.

My H is a very quiet person. I do not see him leaving. He is answering my questions, etc. He is not initiating any conversations about anything he wants from me. He does not seem to be completely shutting me out in other words. He could say "no, I am not going to talk or listen or answer your questions" and he doesn't do that. He is not, I do not believe 100% committed yet at us working out, he is not really doing much at this point towards us. But I think that is going to take him seeing my consistency before he does that. He is probably thinking " I want to make sure all this is for real before I commit to it" why bother trying if the changes aren't permanent.

I am rambling probably but any input here? Any thoughts on what my H may be going through right now too? Anyone been here and done this already when trying to be in a recovery type state? mlhb