Here's my situation. We've been married 12 years and have two young children. About 8 months ago my wife entered an intense EA with our kids swim coach and about 6 months ago they started to get physical and went as far as kissing. I heavily suspected the affair and eventually found the proof I was looking for.. which was a series of passionate emails. Thanks to the emails I have a very clear understanding of the nature and details of the affair and the strong feelings the two have for each other. I also know the extent of the sense of guilt that my wife had. We went through an ugly confrontational period and at that point she proceeded to tell me all the details of the affair. Had I not gotten my proof.. there is no dowbt in my mind that they would have proceeded to a full blown PA. After Dday I insisted she cut off all contact with the guy and she considered it but insisted that they could just be friends. She also insists that she doesn't want our marriage to end and that she still cares about me... BUT.... she does not want to end her very close relationship with him and admits that her affection for the guy has actully gotten stronger since D day.. . She is intensly in love with the guy.
They talk all the time on the phone and she sees him often (although in public)at the pool. As far as I know.. they are never alone together... but I think it's just a matter of time before that starts happening again.

Last weekend at an out-of-town swim meet she put me through pure agony by having the three of us together in a whole series of social events.. dinners, trip to the beach, etc. It was a very difficult weekend and things have come to a head. I am insisting that she end her EA so we can move on with our lives. She knows that there is no future with the guy because he is not "fatherly" or the family type and he earnes a meager income... Life with him would not be the lifestyle she is accustomed to... and it would cause unbearable harm to the kids to go through a divorce.. something that neither of us want. I told her that if she doesn't end her EA that the eventual outcome will be divorce and she fires back at me that I'm not concerned about the well being of the kids. She is a total "cake eater" and wants a situation where we live together.. even sleep in the same bed... but with absolutely no passion/sex and she wants to keep her boyfriend and be able to go out on dates with him. The whole concept is totally bizarre and unacceptable to me and so far-fetched that I can't help but to think of her as somewhat mentally ill at this point to be able to come up with a scenario which is so fundamentally wrong.... She even suggested that I get a girl friend... It's really unbelievable what's happening.

I love her and don't want to lose her.. and most importantly I can not even bare the thought of having our kids go through a divorce.

Plan B doesn't really work for me because I work and she stays home with the kids. Actually I would love to kick her out... but I can't see how that will work logistically. One option is for me to move out.. but that doesn't seem fair.

Any ideas?

Hello,

Her behavior is totally unacceptable. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. She gets caught in an emotional affair, proceeds to kissing, refuses to cut off contact, admits her attraction is stronger now than on
D Day and totally humiliates you by making you socialize with him at the beach and dinner, and wants to continue dating him? What is wrong with this picture?

You cannot have 3 people in a marriage. She is counting on your guilt over your children if you divorce to keep you in the marriage while she continues with her boyfriend. How do you think she would be acting if the roles were reversed?

She is a cake-eater because you are allowing her to be a cake-eater which only increases her attraction to her OM and decreases any respect she has left for you. Do you really think she would allow you to date a girlfriend and socialize with the three of you together? Get real.

I think you should go to an attorney and get your ducks in a row. My guess is that she will break it off if she really feels threatend. Being a doormat is the absolute worst thing you can do. Again no consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. I don't see how you could have any self-respect left by allowing this. This is madness allowing her to totally humiliate you this way. Please open your eyes. I wish you luck.

Thanks Bryamp, You hit it on the head.. she's counting on my guilt over the kids to keep me from pursuing divorce. I know it is time to turn up the heat. I started the process last night as I told her that there are only two possible outcomes.... she either dumps the guy or we end up divorced.

Funny thing is she knows what she is doing completely defies logic, common sense, and she jokes about all the deficiencies of the OM.. and yet she can't stop her feelings. I told her I didn't expect her to stop her feelings.. but that she should focus on her actions.. and that it's up to her to save our family.

This morning.. as is typically the case after our heavy discussions.. disappointingly - she woke up in a very good mood.... So I asked what she was going to do about the whole situation and she said she would think about it.. yeah right... She just waited for me to go to work so she could call him. One good thing is that the guy is so poor that he can't even pay his enormous cell phone bills so the calling frequency has dropped dramatically.

One point of clarification.. not that it matters.. she was already in the kissing stage of her affair before she got caught in the affair... As far as I know.. there has been no kissing since Dday. I keep pretty close tabs on her and her stories always check out. At this time it is a pretty solid EA.

Anyway.. I will start turning up the heat and call an attorney if necessary after I see how things pan out over the next week or so.

Hello again,

It sounds like you have your head on straight. I am currious about the fact how she made you socialize with the OM and her at dinner, beach etc. I have a couple of questions:
1) How did you refrain yourself from telling this guy to go to hell and stay away from your wife?
2) I assume he is not married.
3) I would contact his employment and tell them what is going on.
4) This is what I find very disturbing and that is that your wife and this guy have to be sadistic to make you spend time with them while they know you know they are in a relationship. I am guessing that your wife got a sadistic thrill putting you through such humiliation. How did you not just blow up?
5) Protect your financial assets immediately. I am predicting that once she knows you are serious about divorce she will dump him just to protect her lifestyle.
6) If you stay together then marriage counseling is a must.
Her attitude is that this is some kind of lark and a good time and seems to really act like she does not care about the pain she is putting you through.
7) Telling you she will continue dating him is a complete deal breaker. Talk about splitting your assets and she will be forced to deal with reality. Her sadism toward you I find very disturbing.

I wish you luck my friend.

It sounds like you have your head on straight. I am currious about the fact how she made you socialize with the OM and her at dinner, beach etc.

-->well - our kids are on the team and the swim meet was in the same home town as her parents.. so we were planning to go from the beginning... and the whole team does things as a group when they go to away meets... and against my better judgement I got swindled into the whole thing.

I have a couple of questions:
1) How did you refrain yourself from telling this guy to go to hell and stay away from your wife?

-->I've told him that in the past and he pulled the old "we're just friends". I asked him as a man to have the respect to stay out and to allow me to focus on rebuilding my marriage.. he said "I don't see how my involvement with your wife affects your marriage".. so as you can see he's pretty much an idiot and I decided a while back that he is not worth talking to and that I need to focus on the real source of the problem which is my wife.

2) I assume he is not married.
-->correct... and he never has been. Although he has a history of pursuing married women with childen.

3) I would contact his employment and tell them what is going on.

-->Good point.. only one problem - the swim club is a non-profit corp. and my wife sits on the board along with a small group of our close friends.. so telling the employment is really just telling my wife and our friends (who at this point don't know about the affair)

4) This is what I find very disturbing and that is that your wife and this guy have to be sadistic to make you spend time with them while they know you know they are in a relationship. I am guessing that your wife got a sadistic thrill putting you through such humiliation. How did you not just blow up?

-->I did blow up several times throughout the weekend. I know that the OM was not happy about the situation either. The whole thing was extremely awkward. I don't think she's sadistic nor do I beleive she got any thrill from it... She is so whacked out that she honestly beleives some how the three of us can somehow be friends...

5) Protect your financial assets immediately. I am predicting that once she knows you are serious about divorce she will dump him just to protect her lifestyle.

-->good idea.

6) If you stay together then marriage counseling is a must.
Her attitude is that this is some kind of lark and a good time and seems to really act like she does not care about the pain she is putting you through.

--> Obviously the pleasure she gets from the affair far outweighs the pain she is causing.

7) Telling you she will continue dating him is a complete deal breaker. Talk about splitting your assets and she will be forced to deal with reality. Her sadism toward you I find very disturbing.

-->Good suggestion on discussing asset splitting. Last night I mentioned I would fight for custody of the kids... so we're already getting started down this path.

Hello again,

Thank you again for answering these questions. You really seem to know what you are doing. It all seems so strange.

I only have one additional suggestion that I already mentioned and that is exposing this to her friends. If you go to his employment it is true she will know but so will now all of her friends on the board will know. It may provide her with great embarassment and humiliation from the other members. There is an old saying that exposure of the affair to friends, her parents, etc. has an extremely dampening effect on the affair. All of a sudden it is not so exciting anymore when people you work with and around you are laughing and ridiculing you. This is an idea you may wish to pursue. Being the brunt of jokes by your peers is not something people desire. I wish you luck.