I have been married for 7yrs with a woman whom i thought my entire world revolved around. I have a very big heart and have always been very giving. 2 yrs ago, my wife set into depression and because of that, my feelings have dropped to an all time low. 2 months ago, I met another young lady who started off as friends and she brightened my world. She made me so happy inside, I was smiling, laughing, and even felt as if I was getting up every morning with a purpose. We ended up meeting for the first time, and it was a day like no other, but it was just the one day, we continue to talk on the phone, every single day almost hours at a time. My spouse is very aware of everything that has happened and all the calls that we have shared, and of course she knows about how this girl feels about me, recently in one of our talks, it came out that this girl was falling in love with me and I have some pretty deep feelings for her. I was told to make a decision about what I was going to do. My heart became torn, I love my wife and always had, its just that there was a part of our marriage that was missing and I had found it in this one person, who now has become very close to me. Last night I told this person that we could never speak again, because I was going to try and work things out with my wife. She totally was crushed and I hurt as bad as well. I told my wife my decision and she said thats fine and we will work on our relationship from here, but there are no guarantees that I will ever make you happy, because you know about my depression, and you know I wont seek any help for this, that I want to beat this on my own. I sat there for a couple hours thinking about everything and ended feeling like I was the worst piece of scum on the earth. I Please try and offer some help and advice, because now I am more confused than ever about what I really want. Ask questions if you like, I will check back frequently, because I am so needing some help in this, and I have no one to talk to. Thanks so much for your time.

You've really got a pot of emotions stirred up. I understand where you are coming from so I will give you my input but ultimatly you will have to decide what to do and I pray that you do the right thing.
First, What is your marital oath? Did you commit to your wife for better or worse? That oath doesn't have a time limit. You said you love your wife, is it conditional? In other words is it that you'll love her only when she can speak with you in joy and love herself?
This is what I would do if I were you and I came to my senses. I would call back that woman and tell her no, I really need to stick to my guns and support my wife. Sorry that I lead you on but I am a married man. I have to repent that I carried on with you emotionally and I realized it was a mistake.

From there you really can't be concerned about her because no matter how good she made you feel inside it was wrong. It took you further than you wanted to go, right? I say that because look at the situation your in now. Your faced with confrontation on one end and a let down on the other.

I want to encourage you to do the right thing. Stick with your marital oath. I also want to encourage you to lift up your wife in prayer to the Father. She can't deal with depression on her own and she does need help. Especially if it has gone beyond 2 weeks. I am not a doctor so I can't recommend what needs to be done but you should encourage her to seek help through counseling first and they may refer elsewhere but tell her you are behind her all the way and that you want your wife back and that you are commited to her and stay that way in your thought process and in your heart.

I'm glad you are seeking help in some way by posting here. I pray that you will do the right thing but it's your choice.

Bless you,
Da REv
Life_Enricher

PS: I don't think you would be writing this post if you didn't know the right thing to do anyway. If it were so right to call the other woman then you wouldn't need any help. See?

Wise advice, Life Enricher.

Naiser, in my marriage, I was the wife in your scenario; ill and depressed, my ex had a total of 3 affairs (that I know of), the last began before I left him for the sake of my mental health. It makes it hard for me to empathize with your "plight" of your own making, but I will try to give objective advice.

Think about what may have triggered your wife's depression initially - marital issues, work stresses, kids, neglect of her emotional needs, a combination? Depression then can take on a life of its own by imbalancing brain chemicals, making it harder to overcome the longer it goes on, requiring professional help, and made worse by more stress, which, of course, she has had a lot of lately coping with your affair.

My initial depression triggers were my husband's lack of affection and support, and a physical illness. Like you, instead of working on our relationship and giving me emotional support (I did seek professional help, BTW), he withdrew what little he did give in order to put his energy into forming a relationship with another woman. I fell deeper into depression watching him slip away totally (I didn't know about the OW yet), which then further justified (in his mind) his affair. It was a vicious circle. If he had taken all that energy and had put that into OUR relationship, we would be together today.

Before you do put any more energy into your affair, know this - affairs are FANTASIES, NOT real life. Falling in love is intoxicating, and the OW meets your every need, which is so enticing. It's easy for her to do so when day-to-day, normal life frustrations, difficulties, division of chores, sharing debt, annoying habits 24/7, kid issues, health issues, money problems (we all have them), the arguments over little things that come from just trying to live with another human being.... NONE of these are factors in an elicit affair. Add in the excitement of doing something wrong and enjoying it, and you have THE FANTASY.

This fantasy falls apart if you choose to be with the OW; the relationship becomes bombarded with all the normal day-to-day love-busting realities. AND, here is the cruncher - the OW will ultimately not trust you because, after all, you cheated on your wife because she was ill, when she needed you the most; you emotionally departed when the going got tough and sought another. Your OW will become (legitimately) worried that your love is so conditional; she'd better not get sick, there'd better not be any tough issues as a couple, or you'd cheat on her too. It is the reason that only 3% of couples that had their start as an affair, actually stay together longer than a couple of years. 97% fail!! Not good odds, are they. That built-in distrust and shattering of the fantasy with reality, kills those relationships virtually every time. My ex's affair lasted only a year once I was out of the picture and they moved in together; suddenly it wasn't quite as fun anymore.

Do as you promissed initially and stop "seeing" the OW. End all contact with the OW before it is too late to save your marriage. You WILL ultimately end up alone otherwise, with no companionship nor love. Once you do that, arrange for marital and individual councelling.

N
Here goes you asked for it. i will try to be gentle but it will be hard.if you wish to know my story its in the general questions 2. alright my story is a lot like your wifes so i can relate but doing what you are doing right now will make her situation worse. drop the OW it is a relationship based on lies and deciet. concentrate on your wife. get her to a dr for assistance weather she agrees or not she needs help. i have been in her shoes and wish everyday that my husband had gotten me more help. my depression is under control but it may have been to late to save my marriage. i am heartbroken about his affair and wish he would come home to me everyday. i love him enough to get passed the affair and rebuild our marriage but he is unwilling but i still have hope and will cling to as long as i can. cause i know the man he is right now is not my husband. but i feel that he is in there.it is a daily struggle for me to keep my chin up but i am and i have begun making changes in my life. but i am telling you that i wish my husband was with me and our children everyday. i miss him terribly and i mourn our relationship everyday. your wife will regain herself with help but the help has to start with you. you are her life line so real her in take charge of the situation be the man you know you are.be her guiding light she needs you now more then ever. i know all of this because my wh gave up to soon and noone wants to be abandoned in the middle of depression. it is a very dark place and at time you would rather be dead then to live half a life. do what ever it take to save your wife and in turn you will save your self. i hope this helped

N,

Whether you are thinking of continuing this affair or not, please read and consider the following article:

"Infidelity Through the Tear Stained Eyes of The Betrayed"

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/cheater_letter.asp

Hope this link works.

Naiser,

I would like to suggest that you come over to the GQII board and read there for awhile,if you have not already.It is rife with pain due to Infidelity.

However,until YOU make a decision to give up the homewrecking OW and make a committment to your marriage,we will not be able to help you much.Yes we could bombard you with the standard responses like: "It is wrong what you are doing",that "The OW is a homewrecker and cannot be trusted,afterall,what she will do with you she can do to you",as Dr.Phil states,you failed your W,you failed your marriage vows,you are self indulgent,etc,etc.You have started a "relationship" with this OW based on selfishness,lies and other's pain.Need I say more? I understand you are caught up in the infatuation feelings of this OW right now but guaranteed,it will fade and you are left with reality staring you in the face.

You will continue to flip flop with regards to your W and OW as long as you let this sickening scenario go on and it will only make it worse for everyone involved.Your story is no different than all the rest I have heard here for the past almost 2 years.You may think it's unique what you have but it really isn't,it's actually classic.

I'm not sure if you'll return here now that it's been a few days and I'm sorry if this seems harsh but you will not find support here to continue your cheating or that we will support all these feelings you have for the OW or for what she is doing too.This OW has ABSOLUTELY NO BUSINESS being "close" to you whatsoever.

You claim to have a very big heart and have always been very giving but from what you stated,I have a hard time believing that.And you are blaming your W for YOUR CHOICE to cheat.Very unadmirable,I would say.

If you want help ending the A,we will be here for you.


O

Thank you all for your words, although some I sure I didnt really want to hear. I guess I had forgot to add that officially she isnt my wife, we have lived together for 7yrs but I have always considered my wife for the last 6. But that is neither here nor there, because i treat it as the same thing. I will check out your GQII board and see what is offered there for me. I see many valid points in everything I have read, and I completely understand the fantasy part of the whole thing. Although I have never done anything with the OW, its all been talk and have actually met only once, still I guess that is just as wrong because she is still in the picture. I have a lot to work on still, just wish my wife was a little more willing to get some help, because she isnt, she keeps insisting she is happy living with her depression and if it is to ever go away it will be because she herself has beaten it without any help. Thanks again, and maybe I will be posting more soon in other area.

Naiser:

I'm sorry to read "I GUESS I HAD FORGOTTEN TO ADD THAT OFFICIALLY SHE ISN'T MY WIFE". It's love that keeps you TOGETHER, it's not a paper or a ring. Love is wonderful, life has a meaning everyday, every sunset feeds your soul, and two people together make beautiful things happen.

When you decide to live with a person you come to realize that there must be something stronger than you that has kept you both together. Actually you try harder because you know that if you don't you could loose her. I am not in favor of "living together" but those who do and have stayed together for many years know what I'm talking about.

But I completely agree with CANADIANGIRL, she used the right words and I could've not said it better myself.

You might be the cause of her depression and you probably have not realized that she might be trying to pull herself together and at the same time trying to keep YOU next to her after all you've done and said. She can't make ends meet if you continue acting like the victim. She might be better off without you, but of course, she loves you.She believes in LOVE.

Unfortunately you have added to her list of problems; the lack of confidence, the thought of you forgetting she exists and of you being able to communicate with another woman other than her. I can't imagine recovery if you don't commit to her .. that is if you still see her as your wife but if you feel the need to clarify she is only your partner then never mind wasting HER time.