Whew. In June I rehired my attorney. It was three years ago that I hired her the first time. My H persuaded me to put the D on hold, that he would try harder, that he would be nicer. I gave him 30 days, promised to "think on it."

He did make some changes. But - he still kept contact with the OW. EA has gone on for years. Since our son, now 16, was in the first grade. D day was July 3, 1998, heated arguments about their "friendship" from the time our S was 7 or 8. Most of you here came way after that 3 year ago time.

Sometimes i post things like "You don't know the pain that will come if you allow your spouse to treat you like this ... " referring to their having inappropriate friendships or full blown affairs. Sometimes I'm not too supportive of people who just found out, and maybe have no kids to keep them together, and I urge them to cut their losses. Guess I'm burned out.

This morning I drove to the attorney's office, sat in my car, re-read the retainer agreement, and wrote a check for the balance of her retainer. I was on autopilot. It is a very sad thing to do.

I keep thinking about our very sweet, affectionate son, and how when his Dad comes home after work he takes his briefcase and puts it away for him, asks how his day went, and sits on the chair with his arm around his Dad. I think about the other night when our son put his bike helmet on and knocked on the kitchen window before going for a ride, with his sweet and open smile, to chat for a minute. And about how Monday night at the fireworks, how he took our blanket and tried to wrap the three of us in it, him in the middle and both of us on either side of him, and how my H pulled away and said "No, I'm fine."

And how he wanted the two of us to go out and see "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" for our anniversary. And how often he stands between us, arms around both of our necks. And I am hurting so much for him.

Last night my H didn't come home until 10 pm. It was one of the days he had to work in a separate building from the usual one. (I knew about the change of locale.) I had cooked a rack of lamb for the two of them (I eat veggies). About 9:15 I called his office, left a voicemail. Later I called his cell, left a message. No call back.

I was po'd when he walked in but stayed cool and served the lamb, complete with those little paper booties in place. Heard about how busy he was all day. Said he was "starved".

Snuck a peek at his cell phone while he was showering. He was on the phone with her during the drive home and before. Couldn't take my call though.

I'm not reacting to last night. The humiliation and loneliness and hurting have been years long. I just need to rescue my self-respect.

Looking into updating my skills to be more marketable, looking forward to going back to work. I used to be very good. I will get some strokes from work, and get used to being a person again.

The hardest thing will be telling our son ..... But I can't endure two more years of living like strangers. I will shut up now.

(((((Bellevue)))))
I'm sorry you are feeling bad. But over time, you have learned that you did all you could. You've read enough that the OP is like a drug, and your H is addicted.

May God bless you and your family.

More. I had made the appointment with the div. atty and she was waiting on me to tell her when to serve him the papers. That afternoon, H came home early from work. His brother had called him. Their mother was on her deathbed. He packed and flew out to sit at her bedside and keep vigil. We knew she was dying, but we didn't know when it would be.

I called the attorney and told her to wait, wait until I contacted her. I couldn't be so heartless to serve him or even bring up the subject while he was losing his mother. (WHo by the way was an angel.)

Sadly, he didn't want me and Son to come to the funeral. Said final exams were too important to miss school. (!) (WTF!?) The guy doens't have a clue! Our son on his own asked to be allowed to go to her bedside for his Spring Break and nurse her! He is really close to his grandparents, is really fond of relatives in general but his grandparents in particular. How do you NOT think about taking time out of high school to pay your last respects to such a loved one?

As affectionate as he is with us, he is that way with other family. He sits next to them, used to sit next to her on the couch, put his arm around her, hold her hand, take her for walks in the yard to restore her health, again holding her hand.

I don't understand him at all. He's like that robot on Star Trek. Dutiful, does the right things, but absent for us emotionally. Guess he's too present for the Best Friend to slip into connection with me and our son.

Sorry, I said I would shut up.

Thank you newly. Your response is balm to my soul.

addiction, a drug, yes. He needs her. He is hollow toward me. His insides are with her.

It sounds like he's a hollow man. I had one too.

Aww Belle,

I just saw your post and I am so sorry. We have been here a long time. Its hard to not become cynical and hardened by all the stories and sadness here isn't it? I have seen some of your posts lately and been so sorry you are still dealing with the situation you are in. You are a kind and beautiful person and you desearve so much more. I now think life is too short to live in such a draining and demoralizing situation, but I guess we all come tothat realization in our own time and way. I understand about waiting a bit, but I hope you follow through so you can begin to heal yourself.

My XH father passed away during his affair and it killed me that he brought home a sympathy card signed by her.. and her coworkers for cover I am sure. And he remained so closed to me and turned to her for emotional support, as he did for everything at that time.

I don't have children, but I am sure your son knows something is wrong, and maybe he will even feel some releif at not being the one in the middle any more.

You will do great, I know you will. Being alone is so much better then being in a marriage where you are less then a person to your spouse. Keep us posted, I will watch for your updates, email me if you want to if you want
{{{{{{{{Belle}}}}}}}}

Wow. Bellevue, I know EXACTLY what you are living. That's what I've been living with the past 5 years. I must say that the past 6 months since he's moved out, while I am sad for my kids, sad that my vision of marriage is over (it wasn't reality anyway) -- I sleep at night. Don't have to wonder where he is, will he be late tonight, wait for the call that will change the plans (I programmed my cell to have certain rings for certain callers -- I had to change his ring a couple of times, cause the sound of it would stress me out).

I'm sorry you have to go through this. But you are already alone in the marriage without any benefits of being single.

Lora, yes, we HAVE been here a long time. I am so grateful for the wisdom from this site, and for the wisdom of its visitors. It was a refuge for me.

I know that you have moved on, after trying so hard and enduring cheating and coldness. And that life is better for you. I remember your first post that touched me. It was about how the cruelest thing was when they make you feel that you are CRAZY, that it's all in your mind.

Our son is taking a shower now to get ready for his volunteer shift at the museum. Once I return from dropping him off, I'll try to reach my attorney again and set a time for service of the summons on my H.

My MIL just passed away, as I posted, and I have tried to get my H to open up to me so that I can give him some support. He says very little. Yet from checking his cell, I know he has been on the phone with his "friend" for hours a day, and as close as they are, I suppose she knows more about his state of mind after losing his mother than I will ever know.

I am glad for you that you have moved on and recovered your sense of being a person. I look forward to doing that.

quickly, cynalisa, thank you. i'll post when i return.

Hi Bellevue,

I don't know your whole story but the part about not allowing your son and you to go to the funeral of your MIL touched a sore spot with me and I find what your WH did completely insensitive,cold and selfish.It's one thing to suggest you stay behind but his own son,who was close to her?

In my case,my WH's beloved Memere died.I was the one who told my WH that she did.It was during a particularly bad evening and my WH went out the local bar to be alone and I also had said that he needed to leave for now(we were still living together at the time).I got the call that night and then I called him crying and told him he needed to come home.When he did,he stood there with his arms crossed as if to say to me,"Are you ready to apologize now?" Little did he know I was about to deliver very bad news.I did.Later on,we talked about telling the children and as I was waiting in our bedroom for him to bring the girls in to talk,I realized he had selfishly already brought them into another bedroom and told them by himself.I was furious and extrememly sad all at once.More of his selfish attitude and insensitive soul but also that he deprived me of consoling my daughters during a very difficult time.From that day forward it was crystal clear to me what this man was and that all bets were off in terms of working togehter in handling the children.Since he only sees the kids EOW,living in another country(his choice),it wasn't too hard to be unilateral in most decisions anyway.

But,as resigned as you sound about the D approaching,I think you are doing the right thing.Long over due perhaps as well.Continued contact with that homewrecking OW is not something I think you nor anyone should have to endure.As painful as D is you have that option and when I think of the alternative,living with a man who is actively cheating on his wife and his son,it makes my blood boil.

I really feel for your son too though.I can sympathize with every childs desire to see and have happy loving parents in his/her life.It is monstrously unfair of WS's to do this to their children.I am a product of D'd parents too so I know that deep and long lasting pain/loss.But dignity,integrity and love are all at stake here and it's being eroded with the situation you have going on at home.

{{{{Sending you strength and support Bellevue}}}}

O

Bellevue,

I am sorry that you are going thru this. And you are a wonderful person for not having him served as his mother is dying, does he deserve that kindness? Probably not!!! Doesn't matter it's the type of person that you are!!! My x had an EA with former GF and I just can't be mean!!! I looked out for myself in the settlement, I didn't lay down and let him use me some more but I wasn't mean in dealing with him either!

Your son probably knows that things are not right, mine did!!! I didn't know that they knew though. It's been interesting to hear them talk 3-4 years out of the mess!!!

Keep us posted, this place was the only support that I had as I went thru the EA and D, no one else understood it wasn't an "AFFAIR" to them!!!

Dawn <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

newly, yep, hollow. And I never stop being surprised at the persona he manages to put on when dealing with other people. Our neighbors think he is a really nice, sensitive, thoughtful man. I used to think so too.

Octobergirl, maybe my post was not clear. It wasn't actually that he forbid our son from attending MIL's funeral. It was that he took the position that he shouldn't miss final exams at school. In spite of that I insisted upon us coming for the funeral. And our son DID take his exams as scheduled, though we left town for the weekend.

Guess being so wrought up my posts are not clear.

He didn't tell me to stay home, maybe that part wasn't clear either. We are still living under the same roof. I just couldn't comprehend how, losing such a wonderful mother, he didn't want me by his side, as support. Mind you, he didn't have a clue that divorce papers were so close to being served or that I had gotten an attorney. Far as he knew, it was "business as usual," as it has been for the past 3 years since I tried to start the D.

It feels like my being there mattered not a whit. Like I was a non-person.

Had I not, I would have regretted it and my son would not have had the closure of attending the services and being at the graveside. He would not have seen all the tennis partners and their spouses, the country club golf duffers and their wives, the neighbors and everyone who could drag their aging bodies out to see her off. Some of them can't drive on their own, some are legally blind. Yet they came. It seems important to me, that when your loved one dies, you make those last trips to stand and grieve, comfort each other. I am so glad that we went regardless.

Your husband's selfishness was pure meanness. It DOES matter how our children receive such awful news. He cut you out of the need of a mother to console her children's grief. You became a non-person as well.

daybreak,

Of course he deserved not to be served when his mother was suddenly on her deathbed. Nobody deserves such cruelty.

Even now I'm planning to have service be as discrete and non-embarrassing as possible. Just want to move on, get on with my life, not make a scene. Just protect myself. If I do something to humiliate him, it will haunt me.

Just want to get through this as cleanly as possible. So sick of being the BS in an EA. It's 24 hour a day humiliation. Because I know the feeling, I can't cause it to him. I know you understand what I mean.

What have you gleaned from talking to your kids, 3-4 years later? How much did they knew before the break came? How are they handling it?

When XH father died, I think I expresed more loss then XH did to me. I considered his family mine too after 20 years and felt the loss. He was so determined to shut me out, to not express any feelings to or for me. I still don't understand that ability to take someone you once loved and totally shut down to them.

I know you and I had the crazy making in common, as well as "we are just friends". Last night after posting to you I was cleaning out and came across my journals from that time... it was hard to read the pain and the blame I placed on myself and the feelings of worthlessness. The pleading to be heard and loved and forgiven for my appaerntly unforgivable faults of being me. Ouch. I threw them out. I hope I have worked though some of my issues about why I felt I desearved such treatment and I hope I never allow myself to be so devalued.

Take care of you and your son.

Hi again,

I do think I misinterpreted your post.I didn't see that you said you and your son did go to the funeral.I am glad you did though.It was only proper.

Even though our respective WH's(and most WS's for that matter)treat you as non entities during and post A we are still part of the family.My WH's family have always been SO very supportive of me and although my WH keeps accentuating the HIS family statements in his e-mails from time to time he probably doesn't like that we are still close and that we talk and see eachother still.If I am still around,it will make it all the more harder for my WH to try and introduce the homewrecker even though they have told me all along they would not welcome a woman like that into the family.

I cared very much for my WH's Grandmother.She was very sweet to me and my WH and I had been together a long time.There wasn't any question about me going to the funeral though,thankfully.

Anyway,much luck to you and your son.

O

I totally agree with you, no one deserves that. Although someone once told me that, sometimes, you've got to be cruel to be kind. But, I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy!

I think you're a very strong person, I hope someday I can be more like you.

Right now, I'm just working towards getting things done as quickly and quietly as possible but, my STBX is dragging his feet. Now he wants to re-evaluate the situation, he said's, he has all these feelings he needs to consider.

What about my feelings? I just feel very empty inside, I'm trying very hard not to think about the OW and her baby. Yet, I've been able to control my urge to be mean.

I can't believe that I loved this person, hell I love him still but, things have just gone to far. I don't think I can ever be with him again.

Only

I just got to keep on keeping on...The happy pills help!

I think you're a very strong person, I hope someday I can be more like you.

Don't wish to be more like me! I want to be less like me. I don't feel strong at all. But thank you for being complimentary.

Right now, I'm just working towards getting things done as quickly and quietly as possible but, my STBX is dragging his feet. Now he wants to re-evaluate the situation, he said's, he has all these feelings he needs to consider.

Been there, done that. Here's a tip: If you DO talk to him, stand up while you do it. Don't sit down. You are less likely to be persuaded to back down if you are standing up and moving about. 3 years ago I wrote my H a letter and left it in his glove box. Called him on the car phone, told him to take it out and read it when he got to the office. It was an "I've got a lawyer and I'm not afraid to use it" letter. Full of hurt. He called, said "we need to talk" and insisted on coming home. We sat at the kitchen table and he persuaded me to hold off so that he could make an effort to be better. Even told me "You can talk to my mother about this." because he knew I trusted, respected, loved and admired her. (I never did. She was ill then, and she deserved peace.) I realize that it was a mistake to wait. The feeling of being despised, disgusting, and devalued that I got from the way he treated me grew out of his EA with the OW. He never cut off contact with her, just went deeper underground. Three years later, he is still really "with" her in his emotions and "faking it" with me.

What about my feelings? I just feel very empty inside, I'm trying very hard not to think about the OW and her baby. Yet, I've been able to control my urge to be mean.

There have been posters here who have dealt with children conceived in their WS's affairs. The MB site was a godsent for them. They are rare. They persevered. But I really don't see where a BS is obligated to stay after such a betrayal. It's a personal choice.

I can't believe that I loved this person, hell I love him still but, things have just gone to far. I don't think I can ever be with him again.

Your life will never be your own. Your marriage will include the OW and her baby. Your income will be divided. The phone will interrupt your plans. You didn't bargain for this. And lastly, loving him doesn't mean taking whatever he dishes out.

Only

I just got to keep on keeping on...The happy pills help! [/quote]

Belle,

My YD was 10 at the time, OD 16yo and my son was 19 yo. Their dad had been TDY (on business trips for the military) alot so he wasn't always there anyways.

They knew something was up, but not what, he told the older two that there was somebody else but not the younger one. That really bothered me, she needed to know that daddy was not that great after all. I feel bad as she hasn't had her dad with her for the last 4 years and that she has had to grow up without him and the older kids have said mom he wasn't there for us when he was there it was always what he wanted to do not what we wanted. So now during visitations (he lives 12 hours away) he tries to make up for it by taking them places and out to eat and things like that $$$ things. He married the OW, but she doesn't want to be their step mom she is their fathers wife. Won't use the term homewrecker!!!! She knew what she was doing when she was in constant contact with him.

As my kids are older now they have said that they appreciate all that I have done and do do for them. I am still the constant parent in their lives. I won't give them $$ but I give alot of love and support. Dad is here about every 2 or three months and Monday night phone calls and those are pretty routine. I have to remind my daughter "don't forget to tell your dad this or that", what ever has went on in her life that week.

I still deal with the issue sometimes as to why wasn't I loved that much, why didn't he protect us from this. It's hard, he tried to re vision everything in our marriage so that he never loved me and should not have married me, it was all wrong. I just remind myself that he needs to do this (again selfish behaviour) to make him self ok with what he has done. He doesn't want me to make him feel guility about any of his behaviours and gets very mad when I point out that they are his behaviours and only he can feel guility that I can't make him feel that way. I did nothing wrong, he looked else where as opposed to talking with me and working on the marriage, yes I probably had a hand in the marriage needing work, but I wasn't aware of it as he was telling her the problems in our marriage and not me the one that could help fix them!!! Again his behaviours. Orchid helped me learn to put things back on the people that they belong to that I cannot control them nor can I change them for them or me. It has made a vas improvement of me as a person.


Anyways keep your chin up and a smile on your face, it makes them wonder what it is you are up to which is nothing at all!!! But they don't know it!!! And it takes less muscles to smile then to frown. I hope that I have helped in someway, I feel that I have learned so much and am willing to give back and share what I can as that is how I learned fromothers. If you have been an sahm gets alimony you deserve it!!!! You will be amazed at how many job skills you have from those years at home. I did a skill inventory and was blown a away when I put my resume together.

Keep in touch and ask any questions that you need I'll help if I can!!!! By the way by your name I wonder if you live in Nebraska?

Dawn

Wow - this was so my relationship as well it is uncanny -


Hope that you are doing well. I never knew how miserable I was until he moved out. I thought I needed therapy and drugs as I was "depressed." Nope. If our situations are really so similar, you are doing the right thing.