Agonizing weekend. I arranged for service to be 9:00 Sunday morning. That meant I had to make a sleepover plan for our son so he would be out of the house when it happened.

Sunday morning I woke my H up and once he was seated at the kitchen table I asked him what were his plans for after S leaves home and goes off to college? Because that was what he told me back after Dday. His response: No plans. I don't know what you're talking about. I felt like that back then but I don't anymore. We talked some more. I told him I knew about how much he was on the phone with her about 2 hours a day. Response: OW is my friend. We do talk on the phone. I told him not to patronize me. Asked whether she attends the office dinners and christmas parties with the rest of his staff. Yes, she does (I thought so!) Told me he doesn't invite me because he knows I don't want to be around her. Told him how difficult it is to buy him a gift or a card, because anything she gives him outshines my choice. How the choice of an anniversary or birthday card is so da*&n difficult, how to find the right sentiment for "When does the other shoe drop?" More questions about where some of his new clothes have come from. Right, some are gifts from her. He just sneaks them into the house, like I won't notice! Told him the other night, when I made the lamb, I left 2 msgs and he never called back, and I knew he was on the phone with OW all that time. Mumbled that he didn't usually call about dinner because he always worked late. Just about then the doorbell rang (20 minutes earlier than I had planned.) I told him "That is the process server." I stood for a few seconds, I guess expecting him to get up and answer the door. I had to get it myself. I asked him to please come to the door. He just sat, head down, at the table. The guy said "That's all right, I'll give it to him myself" and he walked in and said "WS, I am serving you with process" and he left.

I watched my H drop the paper on the linoleum and lean forward slowly. Then he dropped to his knees and fell foward. I quick grabbed him to keep him from crashing. He just collapsed. I held him a few minutes, confused, not knowing what was going on. He was shaking.

He is the most repressed, controlled person I ever met. I never expected such a thing. He got up and went into the bathroom and came out a few minutes later. He sat down again, and he completely fell forward onto his face, dead weight. I removed his glasses but they had already cut one side of his face and the earpiece was bent. He tried to get up but I told him not to move. His forehead was sweaty. It was so scarey. I was afraid he'd had a stroke.

He told me he was frightened about our son, about what this would do to him. Begged me not to do this, to think about the effect it would have on his young life. I told him I had, that I had chosen this time as the least harmful in terms of its stability, and the summer vacation.

More to come later. Have an appointment and need to get dressed.

OMG not what I expected to read.

Not what I expected to happen! I was prepared for a volley of verbal abuse, threats to leave me destitute, logical arguments. Not comlete collapse upon the floor.

I was clear that OW is the dealbreaker, I said "I am divorcing you over OW" and nothing I said made him reconsider their "innocent" relationship.

He is making the choice of OW over his family. He's willing to divorce rather than break it off with her. It is very sad. He was in bed all day, sipping water, unable to eat and barely able to pick up his head. Last night I baked him a potato and he was able to eat that - barely. Then he went back to bed. Every time I went to check on him, he told me he was so afraid for our son, for what would happen to him if I insisted on going through with this.

I agreed to wait to tell our son together. We haven't told him yet. He knows that I intend telling him it is because of his Daddy's friendship with this OW that I am ending our marriage. I won't give details, don't worry. Just that he is extremely attached to her and it is hurtful to me and I decided not to live as we are anymore. As to the other "whys", our son has been asking for years why we don't sleep in the same bedroom. I plan to say "You know there isn't the normal warmth between me and your Dad, and I am not okay with that any more. We both love you very much and we are going to do everything to keep your life as it has always been. You'll stay in the same house, have your same room, same school, keep the dog. You aren't the cause of our differences. You've always been wonderful."

THis whole thing is so cliche, I've delayed and put it off, wanted to spare him the disruption and pain that was in my life, and now I'm going through with it.

By the way, my H never once said he would end his friendship with this OW in order to change my mind. It's completely out of the question.

He's suffering, he's weak and scared, and there is nothing I can do to support him. The thing he needs most is to keep things status quo. To enable the EA, to pretend to believe his lies, and not to probe inconsistencies.

By the way, the phone was "empty" of outgoing/incoming calls this morning. Except for one e-mail: "Call you tomorrow." 10:20 p.m. Hm. During our talk, I confronted him with the phone calls, and their times (early a.m., late p.m.) Burnt my bridges. But it's okay.

Bell,

Do not baby him, do not get him food or water, let him face the consequences of his choices, by allowing him to get up and get himself things. That is his what his choice is, not to have you as part of his life, not having you care for him
when he is sick, so let HIM start facing that now.

If he can't eat or drink, then call 911 and have them put him in the hospital and let the nurses care for him.

I realize that sounds heart-less, however, based on his decisions over the years and even now, you need to emotionally detach yourself and not allow yourself to be sucked in to his problems.

I know it took a lot of you emotionally, but for the first time in years you took steps to get yourself back don't allow him to take back what you've gained.

((Hug))

I know it hurts, but you will get through this and be happy again. I admire you for doing what you're doing. I became a complete and utter door mat. Keep strong.

TR, Oh, God! Oh my god, that is tough. But since I never went the exposure route in my way-too-long Plan A and Eliminating Love Busters (I became really good at no LB's) Helping him through the pain would weaken the Plan B part.

It crossed my mind to call 911 the first time he collapsed. I didn't realize what had happened!

Maybe I can arrange to be out of the house when he comes home tonight. He is quite good at fixing his own food, makes salads, balanced meals.

Thing is, I don't want to reconcile or restore the marriage. I got way past that. Hit the wall years ago when we were in counseling, and have been silently fermenting for years about ending this farce. Still, Plan B would let things sink in.

Thanks for the input.

cynalisa,
doormat? You don't know the meaning of the word. We were in counseling 5 years ago, I think it was. Afterwards, he still kept up the relationship. No wonder he had no respect for me. Nobody respects a longsuffering cuckold (What do you call the betrayed wife? Cuckold is the betrayed husband.)

Hi Bellevue,

Lora and I talked last night. I haven’t been on MB in a while and she told me what’s going on with you. I’m so sorry, honey. Us old timers know what you are about to embark on. It’s time, you need to do what’s necessary to move forward and heal yourself. I’m sure your son understands why this is necessary after so many years. He has been there living it just like you.

I’m aghast at your husband’s reaction to being served, what did he think would happen? That this would go on indefinitely. He has had wayyyy too many chances, all of them squandered for his special “friend”. The man is so use to cake eating that the idea of no longer having you there to meet his needs scares the you-know-what outta him. He was very comfy with his duality.

Personnally, I don’t think he is as worried about his son as much as he is worried about not having you meet his needs any longer. But he’ll be damned if he tells YOU that.

I agree with TR, please stop taking care of him. He is an adult, and as such his reaping what he has sown needs to be felt by him. Easy for me to say, I know. I too coddled my cheating husband while I was very sick, and he kept cheating regardless. He wasn’t able to sleep and had stomach probs, and I took care of him. I guess it’s just the female nature to do so.

Looking back I would have done it differently. I wouldn’t had been so hard on myself and blamed myself for HIS cheating. That’s probably why I was so overly caring of him.

I’m going to be here reading your posts and keeping an eye on you.

{{{{{{{{{{{ Bellevue}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Love,
Jo

Hi Jo,

I tried to email Lora but the thing came back "fatal errors" or some such thing. Did you two know each other before MB? Or was MB the connection?

We all did too much caretaking, I think. Took too much responsibility for the choices our husbands made. Much as I care for him and his wellbeing, much as this process feels like I'm chewing my own leg off to get it free from a beartrap, I think I've gotten partway through the bone .....

How are you doing? Moved on, got a life outside MB? I hope to be doing that at some point also. Got a little bit addicted here .........

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Belle,

Have you read Boundaries YET????

I think you really need to read that--It would not only help you, but your son as well.

Stop catering to this man, set up some boundaries for yourself, so that his choices no longer effect you.

Look over on the EN Board, there is a thread for those reading the book, it has some journaling thoughts, questions and verses to look at and read.

I think having that information years ago, would have been helpful, but, even moreso NOW as your heading down this path
it will teach you what boundaries are AND what boundaries are NOT, the book covers the myths of boundaries, and the Laws of Boundaries one of which is the law of sowing and reaping the consequences of ones own actions.

I think it will give you the information your needing to get you through the coming months.

Belle,

How hard that must be for you to watch him and to worry about your son. I agree with everyone else though, try and detach from him, you can stop walking on eggshells, stop taking care of him. He is an adult and has made his choice, has been making his choice to hurt you and your son for all this time.

I swear they lie to themselves most of all.

I would not be at all surprizd if the affair ends soon after he is on his own. Somehow being home with the family and pining for the OW seems like it works alot better then being alone while the OW has family commitments. But that is not your concern.

I am so proud of you for taking this step. Are you going to conseling for yourself? It really helped me to take an honest look at why I had to hang on so long, and I truely feel stronger and better able to deal with things and I do not believe I will be in this situation again.

Let me try my email address again. I think I might have a new one since we originally emailed so try this one.
Lorabell1331@aol.com


Jo and I met on MB originally and have kept in touch for all these years, through her divorce then mine. She has been a wonderful support and friend. Who else can you call and say I still have issues with my divorce and fears and regrets and concerns about men and affairs, and have them understand and not say its been 3 years, get over it?

And Belle, you don't have to leave MB.... you can just move to another forum... or like us come back for very special people.

Add: Doesnt seem like this link to email works I tried to email myself... you may ve to type it in. its Lorabell and the numbers 1331.

TR, about Boundaries,

No, haven't read it. Maybe my blind spot is that I think I establish good boundaries in friendships and so forth, because since having our son, I learned how to say NO to unreasonable requests, to do it nicely and firmly and stand by them. And to do it without explanations or excuses. People thought that because I was a SAHM I could keep their children here at their convenience. I had to establish time limits and stick by them. Since I wasn't charging money (I was helping friends or having "play dates") one or two really took advantage. I caught on really quick to the "needy neighbor dump."

I'll take a walk on over and read the posts .....

I am encouraged to see you looking after yourself. I'm sure it took some serious courage to finally do it, but my personal opinion is that you made the right choice.

Be strong. Your son needs to see behavior to be modeled from you. He needs to see it from both of you, but since your H is modeling behavior that we wouldn't want to see repeated, it's up to you to pull double-duty.

Belle,

Those are good boundaries for sure, but sometimes it's easier to set them in relationships that aren't as 'close' emotionally.

And many times we believe that setting boundaries in marriage is some how wrong. When in reality that is one of the most important relationships to have healthy boundaries in.

So that we aren't accepting behaviors that are unhealthy for us, like you have done for years here, and not standing up for what you know is right for your marriage. To where you become a door mat in the name of trying to save a marriage.

TR, Well, after allowing my H to treat me as he did, for several years, I enabled him. It may be impossible to enforce the no contact with the ow now, and if that is so, I am paying the price for not doing it sooner. Not only that, but our son is paying the price, and I am 90% or more to blame for that.

We still haven't broken the news to him. My H begged me to consider that since he is going into his junior year, taking the SATs, looking at colleges, that if I am insistent on a D to wait a year. Asked me to think about it. I stood silently. It never occurred to him to cut off all contact with the OW for a year,

I just didn't answer him.

The pain infidelity causes just never ends.

Jaye, courage isn't easy. It's painful.

Belle,

DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT TAKE THE BLAME FOR HIS CHOICES!!!

It is NOT Your fault HE has continued contact with OW, you can not, and could not ever control HIS ACTIONS, ONLY HE CAN!!

it's true that you have not set up the boundaries before now, but DO NOT carry the blame for HIS NOT PROTECTING YOU AND YOUR MARRIAGE!!

Let him know that IF you are to ever CONSIDER Waiting another year, then HE will have to END ALL CONTACT WITH OW.
If he refuses, then do not allow HIS choices to change YOUR STAND!! Let him know, that is the ONLY WAY at this point you will reconsider.

If he refuses to talk to your son with you, You do it. Start exposure now, I realize it's been years, but go ahead and start sending letters and making those phone calls that way HE knows YOU are serious. It really isn't too late for you to do the exposure, with family and friends.

I think the only thing preventing you from doing that right now, is your own pride. Humble yourself and ask those closest to you for help. They may be able to offer a more physical support for you than those of us on the board, and you will wonder why You didn't do this years ago.

Start making those calls today...that way they are given a chance call him on his actions and tell him what a fool he is being. And make him acountable to them as well. Stop trying to carry this burden alone.

AND MAKE THE CALLS!! No, it doesn't make you look foolish, it makes you look like your in love with this man, and he's walking all over your heart.

Belle,
If you expose, you will likely find a sigh of relief in that people may have already known, but knew you weren't ready to discuss it yet.

This is true. After stbx moved out, I was overwhelmed with love and support of friends and family - I was surprised as the past couple years I really had isolated myself (or allowed him to isolate us).

Stick to your guns. I would talk to son anyway, he knows "something" is going on and not knowing and being out of the loop is so stressful and even as a teen the imagination is much worse than reality. Knowing will allow him to deal, and allow you to assure him that he will still be loved, valued, and taken care of (my kids are little, but I think that will still translate into teen talk). Assure him that you will be ok as well. As you will be.