Sorry if you stumbled across this. I know I have low self-estem but that doesn't mean that I am not a screwed up individual. In short, I think I am post this in hopes to feel better at the end.

Excluding old issues before marriage D-Day would be 2/28/05. The question is are we in recovery? Am I in recovery? Is she in recovery?

I know I obsess over things just was surprised on how much I do.

I know I have anxiety just I use to call it shiness.

The depression is another story.

On paroxetine and boy lately if this is still helping I hate to see where I would have been without it.

I feel like I am playing musical chairs but afraid to attempt to sit down because the chair would be pulled under me. In IC I been told I have one leg in the past and the other leg in the future and I am pissing on the present.

Wow, this is nice. I am shown things of what is wrong with me but have no clue of how to fix them.

Well, what currently got me down is snooping. I looked at my WW email and found a bouced email. Email she sent to her friend. I read this part:


<Best Friend>-
I am glad to hear from you. I don’t get on the computer much any more. I am usually busy with house work and the kids it is a rarity when I just sit around and actually turn the tv on to actually just watch a whole hour of the soap any more. I usually just catch the last 15 to 30 minutes of it. I just didn’t feel like doing any thing today. Thanks for sending me a blue ribbon I don’t get that kind of generosity around here. The most recognition I get any more is from the kids. I am missing <OM> a lot he was really good at holding me up in good spirits. I know that it is better that I am with <BH> for the kids but I am starting to wonder if it is better for me. Love you - <WW>

We discusssed this email a little (yes, I believe I am secret free on my side with WW) and I should have read the mail she was responding to. Evedently it was about suicide and I left a note before I left for her to read (actually that is how she knows my snooping. Couldn't bring myself to tell in works)

It probably hints of a suicide note so now I wish I read that thing fully.

I guess I like tortoring myself too. Anyone else listen to music that feeds your emotions?

Scars - Papa Roach.
buelivar of broken dreams - Green Day
untitled - Simple Plan
Incomplete - Back street

Ok my musical choice might be bad enough.

Just using this to get some things out with some anonmouty.

Good thing too since I can't spell.

That damn Green Day song gets me every time...

I wouldn't worry too much about that email. If anything, she is pointing out a big ole EN you should be filling. (The blue ribbon). Try to notice things she is doing and show her you appreciate them.

I wish she could talk to my WW. It sounds like she is working hard for recovery. I hope someday I have that problem. Don't give her a reason to give up, recovery is hard. Stick with the IC. Figure out what needs she is not getting and fill them.

You mentioned lots of issues, but just to tackle one, maybe you could make a list of like 3 things you'd like to change about yourself that would improve your self esteem and then make a plan to work on changing those. The really put your all into it. That would also help take your mind off of the other stuff a bit. Positive changes = positive mindset = positive emotions.

Makes since, but I look at it correct in theory.

In theory, theory and practice are the same; in practice, they are different.

I am truely a looser. I was surprised on how many posts here have simlarities. Todays media makes me to believe everyone is doing everyone else. I for one only been with one. That is not the only thing though. She is the first "girl" (and only) I ever "kissed" That is the looser part. Was 18 when I first kissed her. Then when I thought we had a relationship started she went out with a "friends" brother. When he left her to go back to his wife she then hooked up with her bestfriends love interest. Then came back to me. Took her back. Why? not sure. Fear of being alone? or a mixture of things?

In IC I am told I gave her something "special" The reason that she is my first and only kissed is ilrelivent she says. Not to me. Fact is that I am a crippled. And can over come many obsticles except my own self image.

I am starting believe that IC is saying "see? this is what is wtong with you. get use to it"

Before I met her, I liked to be alone. I was use to it. I sheltered myself away from the world. When I met her I loved being with her. From 1988 to 1990 we saw each so much. From 91 to 93 we more or less lived together although had different places. 94 and 95 lived together and was married in 96. Life was good except I couldn't get over the past. After the second child though time together became less and less.

I truely believe that the OM was using her. Trying to get a little fun in with no strings attached. That is just my belief though. Based on the fact of they met at work. Knowing she was married with children. Met her out of work this first time (after only working a month or so) and put on the moves.

When I flipped out and left he didn't call her or any contact the 15 days I was gone. When she made contact with him April 14th he told her he didn't want to get her trouble say8ing he figured I would been back. Yet she worked on weekends and he could gone in and no way for me to find out. When I was gone, she gave him a ride. At that time she tried to ask him about relationships. She "says" he didn't want to talk about it.

She says he excepts her the way she is, but what does he know of her other than there breif conversations?

Oh well.

There's nothing "loser" about what you've done.

I had never had a relationship until my W; who I started dating when I was 18. I didn't lose my virginity till I was 18, nor had I ever even kissed a girl until I was 18...unless you count this one girl; ack - don't remind me of that.