Hi All,

I just read MelodyLane's post on exposure and what to expect. I must admit it was quite intriguing considering the following:

D-day was last November (EA). Had another D-day in Feb (EA had progressed to PA). WW decided to stay in marriage at the beginning of March, committed to NC and then broke it a week later. Every now and then I catch them continuing to communicate even though when I ask her she says she's not talking to him.

The last episode was on Monday. I bought some excellent spyware for the computer. Nailed her to the wall with a couple emails they had sent back on forth as recently as Friday. (Note: Saturday she very emphatically said that she not been in contact with him for over a week).

Well she started hitting me in front of our 2 year old son. He started balling his eyes out immediately. She was yelling and screaming at the time...so I had to yell back to be heard over her. I threatened to call the police. She quit beating me.

She demanded that I remove the software from the computer...which I refused to do. She threatened not to talk to me, I told her to go right ahead.

Next day was very interesting. In fact the remainder of the day was interesting. She went back to being cordial to me. The afternoon / evening she asked if we could go ut ot dinner, so we did. We had a very calm, loving conversation with one another. She admitted that she was beginning to see how what I was saying about NC made sense. She admitted that he was not a good influence in her life.

So now what? She's going to see our MC for some IC next Tuesday. She has not committed to NC. I asked her yesterday if we could have a repeat performance of the loving time we had. She said we could.

But today I failed. We had a bath together (we've been doing that for years) and I was calm and collected...but tried to help her understand how wacky her thinking is. I thought that maybe from yesterday the fog had begun to lift....but I was wrong. She got out of the bath saying she didn't feel well and the bath she had hoped would be relaxing wasn't. So I guess I was LBing there....incorrectly?

What I would really like to know....is how to deal with situations like exposure and then the time afterwards. I mean Plan A is all about no LBing, meeting their most important needs etc. while assuming that there is still contact. How do I deal firmly and unwaveringly with the fact they are still in contact but at the same time avoid LBing? Am I missing something? Even though contact is contiuing, I believe I should still be exposing that contact, right? Just not sure how it all fits together. SAA doesn't say too much about exposure...but there appears to be quite a bit on here about it.

Flyer

OK....let me ask this a little more coherently:

What I'm looking for is: in Plan A are we trying to force no contact through exposure? What needs to happen when a situation like mine arises...exposure does not result in NC...it just goes further underground and WS keeps lying. Where does the no LBing and meeting her needs come in?

I know we're talking about a fence-sitting / cake-eating situation here. I know Plan B is an option...but are there any other ideas that I can try while still in Plan A?

BTW..I know this makes little to no difference...but the PA has stopped...we're back to an EA. WW has committed to ending the PA. I know it doesn't mean the A is over...but there is something there.

There's progress...she is really making progress in many areas....just it's VERY slow progress with NC. Am I being too impatient here?

thanks,

Flyer

Flyer,

Why all the deletions of your past posts? It's hard to help when you don't understand the entire picture

flyer, the purpose of Plan A is to bust up the affair. PERIOD. That must be done with continual exposures and doing everything in your power to break it up.

Confronting your W about her contact is not a lovebuster. A lovebuster is a disrespectful judgement, angry outburst, selfish demand, etc. Plan A does not stand for appeasement. It means you address her FIRMLY - but without lovebusters -with your knowledge of contact and make it as difficult as possible for her to hide it.


flyer, this is not progress. The affair is still ongoing, whether they are having sex right now or not. A committment to not have sex means nothing, and even if it did, why you believe such a committment from a liar?

I think you are being too patient actually and I would like to recommend that you consider counseling with the Harley's. MC is pretty useless at this point, but Steve Harley could assess your situation and give you an effective plan. He is a PRO at this and would be worth every penny. He can achieve in one session what most counselors can never achieve.

Also, there are ways to confront her with your intelligence without giving up your source. Can you let us help you with this in the future? I fear she will just go deeper underground now that she knows you are watching her on the computer, but I would keep watching her there.

Ok...help me with the detective stuff. I noticed she has not accessed her secret email account since I exposed it. She cannot do anything on this computer that I cannot track anymore. There is still verbal contact...how do I bust that up?

flyer, first off I would confront her about it and make sure she doesn't contact him in your house. Tell her it is disrespectful to carry on her affair from the home of you and her children.

Secondly, I would consider calling up Steve Harley for a counseling session and getting some direction from him. I think you are ripe for Plan B, but I also think you need him to assess your situation. He would be worth every penny.