My wife and I have been married for five years. She is a great lady who tells me that she loves me and would never hurt me. She was overweight a few years back but lost a lot of weight, exercised, and got cosmetic surgery. Now she is quite the looker and guys hit on her all the time. She CRAVES attention from men. It seems like the attention I give her isn't cutting it and although she says she's been faithful, its pretty discouraging with the amount of flirting she does with guys. In fact, tonight she was online (Yahoo messenger) with one of the guys that she used to work with. This guy has expressed interest in sleeping with my wife but she doesn't seem to think its a problem to chat with him. She fantasizes about him too, according to her.

She likes going out with me and with her girlfriends. When she's with her friends she is very flirtatious at bars and guys end up saying a lot of outrageous things to her. She's danced with a few of them and let one young man nuzzle her neck. No, I'm not making this up.

I'm feeling very vulnerable lately. I told her about a month ago when she showed up at 330 in the AM that I had HAD it with her going out with her friends every week. Again, she said that she was just having fun and flirting and that's how she is. She has taken into account my feelings and has only gone out once since. She still flirts like crazy at work though and she emits that certain something that attracts men of all kinds.

Am I over-reacting? She thinks it's "harmless fun" but when I tell people about her behavior they are really shocked about it. She says she loves me and would never hurt me but its getting hard to believe her more and more.

She says she loves you and would never hurt you, but have you let her know point blank that she is already hurting you?

I hate the term "harmless fun" because in the beginning of my inappropriate relations with another man that's all I thought it was also. There are some people out there (me) who begin affairs and often times the affairs start out as harmless, they don't think they could ever cheat on their mate but EVERYBODY is capable of cheating on their mate. The biggest danger is thinking "I'd never do that", because the next thing you know all that innocense has set you up for a fall.

You are not over reacting, she should not be going out to bars every weekend. She most definately shouldn't be allowing other men to nuzzle her neck, is she telling you this stuff? If so, she may be letting you know in her own now prideful way that she is so beautiful and look how many men adore her. She may need reminding by someone that beauty is more than skin deep.

Your showing jealousy is her fuel, yet how do you not show that this threatens you? I don't know, maybe another poster can clear that up for you. Otherwise my best advise for now is to let her know that she is already hurting you, and the actions are unacceptable to you in the future.

Not sure how I ended up in this forum... but anyways...

I could have wrote the exact words you did during my marriage. Read my signature line below to see how it all turned out.

If it starts making you feel crappy about yourself, its gone too far. Get into MC before things go really too far.

By the end of my ex wife's string of "harmless fun" I had absolutely no self esteem and then she had an A to top the whole works off. I was absolutely crushing...

I'm much better now since I'm not exposed to the crap anymore, but trust me nip this before it does go too far. Its NOT acceptable if it hurts you or makes you feel like sh*t.

Best of Luck... and I'll go back to were I was trying to go... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Miker

Nip this in the bud NOW!!!! TIme for some radical honesty!

As the husband of a STBXW that sounds a lot like yours, her "activities" need to stop...ESPECIALLY because they are making you unhappy. She would go out with female friends to dance and carouse and men would hit on her. She'd tell me about them, but, in hindsight, it was a telling sign that she would never turn down an opportunity to go out, even at the expense of spending time with me and SD.

IMHO, she is seeking some sort of validation by the tawdry advances of men with low morals. My STBXW is the SAME WAY, but she took it to the next (PA's x3) level. I always told her she was the MOST beautiful woman on the planet, yet it didn't matter to her. She needed that feeling of being "pursued" by men.

She couldn't pinpoint what she was after my having these A's...she freely admitted that I was meeting all of her needs, yet her conduct continued... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I cannot and will not tolerate this type of behavior in an exclusive R/M and neither should you.

Be HONEST, UNEMOTIONAL, but leave NO doubt in her mind about specifically how her behavior makes you feel. Then work TOGETHER to fix the problem with a solution that you BOTH enthusiastically agree upon. If you can't agree, perhaps a pro-M MC or a Harley phone call(s) can help...do NOT let this fester or you will probably be back soon telling us of her PA.

Good luck,

WNB

Hi dadofsam,
My husband of 21 years has been flirting the whole marriage. At first I thought he was just friendly. the problem is that in the last 5 or so years this has become an addiction. These people seem to need the excitment and thrill of the chase. What they don't seem to understand is that this behavior hurts very much.
We have been in counseling and h is slated to start ic soon.
I can relate and am sorry for what you are going through.