This is my first post. I am a BW and it has been a month since I found out about the A. I am still in shock and the emotional roller coaster that I am on is almost unbearable.

A little history - H and I will be married 8 years this Friday and have two beautiful children, 6 and 2. Were high school sweethearts and broke up in college, married different people, divorced, and found our way back together. Truly felt that H was my soul mate and the love of my life.

Went through a rough patch about a year ago when I started a business and found out that H had the A during this time. Met OW in support group for past surgery and the friendship turned into a sexual relationship. During that time, was an issue at our home where he was physical with me and the police were called. Never saw that side of him. Started going to MC during that time to work on our M and the communication issues, through emails that I found, realized that he was having the A and discussing our MC with OW.

As I am sorting through this shock, there was another issue about 5 years ago. H was having an emotional A online with OW. I feel now that it would have become sexual if OW was closer. Same thing said then, "I was lonely". I was going to school for my teaching certificate and working 30+ hours, trying to balance it all.

Now, here we are again... also found out that he got drunk and had two women in his room in October at a conference. Says nothing happened but WHY would you have two women in your room.

I have heard what he is telling people and he is playing the victim. It is making me sick. Telling people that we had marital issues and that he is going to counseling but that I'm not willing to go. I told him to give me time. Time to sort through my feelings and thoughts. He feels that he either needs to move home and we need to start working on the marriage or that he needs to move on. MY GOD, I am just trying to get by day to day and remember to breathe.

I am still a mother of three - 10 year old is from first marriage, and I have a company. Feel like I am trying to be strong and hold it together for my children and business but I really want to climb into a hole and disappear. Please advise.

Me - 33
WH - 33
2 children
separated
DDay 6/7/05

Brokenlove -

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I am so glad you found us. This is a great place to be under the circumstances.

So clear this up for me. Is your husband still having contact with his affair partner? It sounds like he might be, since he is playing the victim role. That is very common.

Also how did you find out? Is the OW married?

Thank you for the welcome.

No, he has stopped contact with OW and sent the email to cease communication to her that he forwarded to me. Well, at least that is what I think.

I found out by seeing the email communication between them then called the OW to confront her about it. She confirmed it and gave me the gruesome details. I don't know her but have a friend that does. She is divorced, 11 years older than H, with two boys. I asked her, as a mother, how she could get involved with a married man. Her response, "It takes two to tango."

When I spoke with her, she was so matter-of-fact, flippant, and told me how much H meant to her and how they had been suuporting each other.

Here is the kicker, he left his email open and the only reason I was tempted to check was the earlier issue with the online relationship he had before. So my doubt prompted me to check and there it was, my worst fear.

Hi BL,

Welcome to MB. How sad to have to be here, but it is definitely the best place to be.

You will get a lot of support from so many who've been through this.

Some of what you post jumps out at me, so I ask:

Re the "physical" episode, where the police were called:

Was this the first, the only time this happened? Has you H gone for help with anger management?
Was he drunk? If so, how often does he drink/get drunk?

It looks as though, from going through the post, that there have been as many as 3 A's. Yes? No?

Your H is a serial cheater who may have an alcohol problem. He also (with reference to his playing the 'victim' to others) projects his issues onto you.

I do think it is encouraging that he states he wants to come home to work on the M.

My 50 cents worth of advice:

Read everything on this site. Buy the books - SAA, HNHN. Do the ENQs with your H. And ...call the Harleys for phone counseling. It is expensive, but worth it in that they only keep you for 4-5 sessions & get right to the point. I think it costs $185 per session. By contrast my MC charged $125/session, but he saw us a total of 10 times (combination of IC and joint MC) and we accomplished NOTHING). Set boundaries. He is already in NC, which he may or may not slip up with. Let him know in no uncertain terms that NC is an absolute, a deal-breaker.

Re the OW: Do not talk, e-mail, or in any other way communicate with that piece of trash again. She is nothing, less than nothing. She is a predator and was lying in wait to hurt you when you confronted her. Invest all of your energies on your M, your F, yourself.

It is very possible that your H left the e-mail open b/c on a subconsious level he wanted to get caught, wanted the A to end. Thank God you found it and can start the process of healing.

Re your separation: Separation brings its own stressors to a M already in crisis. If you are sure you feel safe, how do you feel about letting him come home?

You are in my prayers.

The physical incident was the first time in the marriage and he was completely sober, no alcohol issues in our marriage other than the occasional social drinking. It was definitely in anger and yes anger management has been discussed with him - his parents, brother, me.

There were two affairs that I can confirm - one online and one online and sexual. He denies the out of town one and says he has nothing to lose but I can't trust him. I have felt since this that there is a pattern that I am just in denial of seeing. He is a HUGE flirt with women and really has no male friends, just husbands of my girlfriends when we are all together. This has always bothered me but I have just learned to deal with it. I felt that he crossed the boundary of healthy relationships as a married man. I just was in denial that he would ever cross the sexual line.

On the separation: I am torn on this. I feel so violated and physically sick when I am around him. I don't want him to touch me or even be in the house with me. I also don't want my children in the middle of this. I don't trust him.

OK, I understand your anger, pain, revulsion, all so normal.

I consider the out of town experience another A, a ONS, and act of infidelity.

It is so understandable that you do not trust him. You shouldn't, not right now. He is not trustworthy now.

That is not to say he cannot be trustworthy in the future.

He needs help. You both do. Again, call Steve Harley. I think it's the best bargain you're going to get. The previous counselor sounds like an [censored]. Many counselors are NOT pro-M, have their own biases. You need, at the very least, someone familiar with MB/Harley concepts.

Do you have a church/temple? Can you confide to your pastor/rabbi?

Your children are already in the middle of this.

There are some who say to take a 6-month separation to see what you both really want. I am not one of those. The longer H is out of the house, the farther apart you will drift. As long as there is NC, as long as there are no physical safety issues, you need to talk with him about coming home, and starting with pro-MB counselor, to work things out.

Recovery takes 2-5 years and you're not going to start the process until he is back with you.

You can always get D later if that is what you really want.

(((((hugs for you and your family)))