Hello,
I have been reading here for several days now. D-Day was 6-27. I had no warning at all. He did not fit the profiles I have read. I suppose a little history is in order.

We have been married for 23 years and have two great kids. We used to have a great marrige, too. We had been to marriage retreats (even helped lead) where His Needs/Her Needs was taught. We had read it several times. We actually actively worked on meeting the other's ENs.

Two years ago, I went to work at something more than a couple hours a week job. He was stressed at work, I was stressed at home and at work. we got so busy. We aso got wrapped up with kids and their needs. Because of that, we let meeting each other's needs go by the wayside.

A few months ago he got an email from his first love and first sexual encounter. She had written a few years ago, but that email came to the house and we answered it together. This one went to his office. They started an e-mail relationship that progressed to chatting of a sexual nature. Once they met at a hotel to talk and ended up having sex. That was the only time. The emails and chatting continued until about a month ago. He said he couldn't handle the guilt anymore. He said he had wanted to tell me but was afraid I would kick him out of the house.

I found an unknown charge on our bank statement. When I called about it, it was linked to his email account. He swears (and I really do believe him) the charge was not his. We have come to the conclusion that this was God's way of me finding out. Anyway, I went to his email account, used his security answer to get into the account. There were emails to her and from her. I was floored. Her name is different now, so I wasn't sure what was going on. When he got home, I met him in the kitchen and asked him. He denied it, but I knew in my heart it was true. I had to leave to take our DD to church. When I came home, he had left to go workout - he has a weekly game. I went back to the email and they had all been deleted. I went to another email and there were more.

Saying I was sick is an understatement. I felt exactly as bob pure described. I called his cell phone and left a not very nice message. He called me back and I asked him and he admitted it. He was home in a few minutes and we started talking. He admitted to everything I wrote above. In 23 years, I can't remember him ever beig so sincere and so repentant. He swore it was over. He offered to move out.

I told him he wasn't going anywhere. We had invested too much time, effort and love into this marriage for it to be destroyed.

I have always been one to accept blame for everything. He would not allow it. He said it was a stupid screw up that he had regretted since he did it. He said that I had done nothing to cause it or deserve it. (I do know there were needs I was not meeting)

We talked all night. He answered every question I asked. We cried and prayed together. Since then, we have spent every available minute together. He said he wants to move forward and make our marriage stronger. I am all for that. He deleted all emails, I changed his passwords, I check his emails. I have access to cell phone, computers (even work).

We have spent an amazing week getting back to the basics of our relationship. I hadn't realized how much I missed him and the time we spent together.

Sorry this is so long, and if you made it this far, I do have a couple of questions. I am going to buy the Surving book this weekend, but I was wondering for now.

I keep reading about exposre. Since this has ended, does there have to be exposure? I have encouraged him to get an accountabilty partner who he would have to tell, but is it necessary to tell anyone else? Both of us came from families where our dads had A and moved in with the OW. I really don't want to tell anyone.

Should I tell the OW's Husband? I think he might be abusive? I just don't know what to do.

I have asked for him to write a letter of no contact. He said it is not necessary. He says that she will contact him via email if she ever does, and he does not go to that email anymore.

She hurt him badly 25 years ago. Maybe he had to have closure. He said it is closed for sure now. He said he wanted to know why she hurt him. I asked if he found out. He said no, so I offered to call and ask - I really wouldn't.

I want us to be better than we were. I know it can never be the same. I am hoping it will be better.

Blessings!
Pam

Pam -

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances. I read through your whole post and everything seemed fine until I read the part where your husband said that the No Contact letter was not necessary.

Then, the big red flags went up. A No Contact letter is extremly necessary. It is needed for your protection, and for you to feel safe.

After almost 3 years posting here, the litmus test for me is the No Contact letter. Usually, if the WS is ready to work on the marriage, they will write the letter. If they refuse to do that little thing, look out.

I think your husband isn't that sorry, and he may be wanting to continue contact.

Thanks,
I respect your answer. I'll ask him again. I had only mentioned it. If it is that important of a step, I'll ask him to do it. I want so much to make this work.
thanks again.

It is absolutely what he needs to do, at the very least. Ask him again, and if he thinks he has reasons not do this, then you know where you stand.

I asked him. He said he will do it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I know this is not going to be a breeze to get through, but I am hoping and praying that we'll make it .

believer is absolutely right about the NC letter.

As for exposure, if you're certain there's truly NC, it doesn't need to be done. But it would be the decent thing to do to tell OW's H so he can address the problems in his own marriage. And the abusive husband line is heard very regularly here as a way to try to dodge telling him.

And the "closure" excuse is crazy.

Aside from that, it sounds like you two are on the right track. Best of luck in your recovery.

Dobie

Thanks Dobie,
The closure idea was mine. I wanted so much to find a reason, something we could 'fix' I wanted to put the blame on something or someone else instead of on us as a couple but not really being a couple. He said it was stupidity plain and simple.

As for the abusive husband, my husband did not say that. It was an impression I got from reading some of the emails - maybe not abusive, but not involved or caring. Of course that would be from her perspective.

I find his reason refreshingly honest.

And her perspective is pretty normal. Women like to play the damsel in distress card so the big strong man can save her. It all tries to make the affair seem romantic instead of tacky.

Dobie

MF,

Welcome to the support board of MB. Since you are familar with some of the concepts we can skip the intro and head straight to your concerns.

1. Do you and your H have a plan?

2. Ready t/d some phone counseling with Steve?

3. Needing to be taught again is not a crime. Our imperfection make us all vulnerable to falling prey to the weakness' of the flesh. Be that as it may; however, it is not an excuse to practice such loose conduct and then expect forgiveness over and over again.

4. Identify your boundaries. Really know what you absolutely will not tolerate. You may find it t/b a short list.

5. Know that while he seems t/b recovering, he is far from recovered and your trust in him must be rebuilt by him. He now has to earn the trust he once easily had from you.

6. The sooner he is in recovery, the sooner you will find yourself as the more needy one. The BS' adrenaline only lasts for a while. No one s/b under the kind of stress a BS goes through with a WS. PA or EA or both all bring tremendous stress to the BS and family.

7. As for exposure..... hm.... consider exposing it annonimously to her H. This may not be the 1st time ya know. So then your WS w/b only one of many 'victims'. So much for that 'special feeling' the WS is dumb enough to believe during an A. LOL!!!

8. Keep a journal. It is therapeutic.

9. Post/vent here as needed.

10. Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

11. Remember most of the work w/b on his shoulders not yours.

12. You work at improving yourself. If he is in recovery he will notice. If he is pretending t/b in recovery, he will also notice but his reaction w/b different.

13. Keep plan B and reverse babble in your back pocket. One of the irreplaceble parts of my M was how I felt H c/b trusted. While he can earn some of it back, there will always be that nagging doubt in my mind. H knows he lives on borrowed time with us. It is what he has chosen. Borrowed in a sense that should I not feel safe, he is out the door. Yep even now. His security is gone. I can't bring it back. If he doesn't rebuild my trust in him, it gets even more ugly. Plan B resides in my back pocket.

L.

Hello Orchid,
Thanks for responding. We do have a plan of making each other a priority and being honest enough to say when we feel that there is a problem. This week we have been pretty much alone (without kids) and the real world will be back on us next week. We have committed to take a walk every evening when we both get home from work or at least sit in the swing and talk. We are planning to plan on getting in 15 hours a week. One big problem we have is sleep schedules. It will be hard for me, but I am committed to going to bed when he does- a huge deposit in his love bank. This gives us a little more time together.

I would like to do the phone counsel, but not financially able at the moment. We are going to read the books.

In 23 years, I have seldom heard him apologize. This time he has repeatedly- it is not something he takes lightly. I am so hoping because he is saying it now it is genuine.

Boundries. Hmmm, working on that one. There are several we have talked about and he seems to be respecting them.

He is very complimentary of the chnges I am making in me. Although he says he enjoys seeing the chnges and the confidence it gives me, he doesn't want me to think that was why he strayed. I do know that me being attractive is one of his EN. This doesn't mean skinny and made up to him. Just taking pride in me.

I am keeping all of the suggestions close to my heart and praying for wisdom on how to move forward.

MF, As far as exposure I agree that if the A is over then only OWH should be exposed to. However, if you are Christian then someone in a leadership role in your church is appropriate for your H to confess to and ask to be prayed with. Accountability partner is definitely a wonderful idea too.

So sorry for the circumstances that bring you to this sad but wonderful board.

And on the nitty gritty reality, have you two had STD tests yet?