I've been divorced for about 7 months now and separated for about 2 years. My whole adult life was spent with my ex. I'm kinda old and not the greatest looking guy anymore and I don't know how to date. I really don't go out that much to be able to meet people. Tried online dating and that's pretty much a waste of time. I'm 40 now and looking for someone in that age range. Where do I go to meet people? I'm in the military and am exposed to only a few people at work, mostly younger. Does anyone else out there have the same problem? Any advice would be appreciated...

LWH----

I understand your feelings and the devestation that you feel.
I too am pretty much on your same time-lines.

I had spent all my youthful years with my x. I too was married for 17 years.
I also was divorced on 12/17, but it was one year earlier 2003.

I also have two D's, same age spread different ages, 14 & 11.

You sound so down in your post, and it's understandable.

But, what I try to tell myself is....
Yes, I'm 42 now. And yes, sometimes I feel very old. I feel like I would have more opportunities IF I were in my 30's and 20's for sure. But, I am a good person and I am still reseaonably attractive and I have I feel pretty good values. (I'm not an overly confident person, so please take what I have said in sincerity) Someday, someone will appreciate me for the things that I am.

I don't know what you look like, but, if it's something that you can work on, do it for YOU. You will feel better about yourself.
Try not to let what you x has done continue to bring you down. You deserve happiness too.

I don't have advice as to where to meet people. I have been told over and over attend church. I do, reguarly. That is not an option for me there and I belong to a pretty large congregation. But, I go for the spiritual aspect anyway, not so much to find someone. I guess if that were to happen, it would be a bonus! But, I don't have my heart set on it. I need the spiritual side in my life more than anything. And it's amazing how many times, I feel like our pastor is talking right to me!!

I wish you the best. Take good care of YOU and your daughters.
Karona

Try internet sights like match, yahoo. eharmony.

Hi lwh,

Take a class, something you'll enjoy. If you'd enjoy knitting or auto amchanics go with the knitting because you're more likey to meet women there. How about a coed bowling league, as long as it's not married couples. Does the base offer day trips any where?

Many of us are in the same boat, wondering where we meet people. It's not easy but it can be enjoyable if you find something you like & do it with a group of people.

Good luck!

Go out with your kids.
Let friends (women) know you're interested in dating, perhaps they can introduce you to women.
Join a local interest group, dancing, sailing, canoeing, hiking, bowling, tennis, walking, movies etc.
Just get out and be open.

I find I've met my neighbors since getting a dog. And neighbors may have eligible friends.

People are everywhere. You can meet people everyday if you go out to places. They are in stores, museums, sporting events, concert halls, coffee shops, restaurants.

I echo the sentiments of those above, go out and take classes or go see things that interest you.

Why not the gym? You mentioned concerns about your looks, so work on how fit your body is.

Shop for a new look. Perhaps you can get a sales girl to help you out.

Talk to everyone, not with the intention of getting a date, but just learning to talk and to listen. Even better, practice learning things about other people.

Be an observer of people. (No not a stalker <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ) an observer. Be interested in people, what they are doing, their dreams, etc.

Two things my former Sunday School teacher told me were:

1. To find the one, you first have to be the one, so work on yourself first.

2. If you are going to pick apples, you have to be in the orchard, so don't sit around at home.

HTH,

T

I just have to say that 40 isn't old. You're still very young and have a lot of life to live! Go out and enjoy life...you'll meet someone!
:-)

Hmm. I haven't a clue. I hear book stores are good. Church supposedly is good. My church has exactly 1 other divorced person and no single people over the age of 17. Kid you not.

How about ballroom dancing? You learn a good social skill while meeting women. Plus, women love a man who can dance.

Sporting leagues are good. Volunteer work is excellent.

Besides, how hard can it be? Just wear your uniform. There are plent of women who are still a sucker for a man in uniform. LOL.

I went to a ballgame July 1 and a navy ship was in port. The men were in their dress whites. I swear I swooned.

Good points GG!

I have been considering dance lessons myself.
Hope you don't have to "byop" (bring your own partner).

Have you ever taken them?

Karona

I took them for two years. I didn't have a partner which wasn't a problem at the studio where I went. I also looked around a lot. The "name brand" studios often make you buy a package. If you absolutely know you want to do this for three years, fine. Otherwise, I'd look for "pay as you go" studios. At my studio, lessons were private. These are more expensive per lession, but if you don't take a lesson from Thanksgiving to New Year's, take six months off because your new job requires lots of late nights, and are on crutches for three weeks, you come out ahead even over three years.

Many dance clubs offer instruction early in the evening. Mostly in latin and swing. Think mambo, cha-cha, samba and tango. Swing... Think 1940 and 50's movies, but there's other kinds of swing out there including West Coast which with the tango was my favorite. Smooth dances are waltz and foxtrot.

Another good place to look is your YMCA.

Thanks for the tips!!

Karona

I took dance lessons at my local Recreation Center...Inexpensive, don't need a partner and it was 8 weeks at a time (16 lessons) for $50..it was a blast.

Your local rec center has a million programs, working out, swimming, dancing all kinds of stuff. I got involved with a workout group, we have the month listed and you write down the days and times you are available so you always have a buddy to work out with..met a lot of good women and men doing that so far.

It's about putting yourself out there and making yourself available, physically and emotionally. I also met a lot of people through service orginazations like American Legion, Moose lodge, Eagles...friends know friends that know friends and you'd be amazed at the amount of single eligible women they will link you up with.

But again, It's about putting yourself out there and making yourself available, physically and emotionally.

I like the quote above.....in this post.

If you want to pick apples you have to be int he orchard.

Thats awesome!

RM

TR--I'm not sure where your stationed at or which branch of the Military your in, but I do know most all military bases have MWR with planned trips for various activities, get involved with those.

I was in my early 20's when I was active duty, but I went on ALL of the trips MWR scheduled and had a blast. Singles from all ages went, why? because they weren't married and they wanted to meet other single people. I met someone on one of the trips we ended up dating for over a year until he got orders.

A lot of the women I knew hung out at the gym playing racketball, and other activities there, why? Because that is where some of the single men hung out.

Alot of us would go to the club on base to play bingo in the bar right after work during Happy hour, then go over and have dinner there at the club. I met LOTS of single men, some older, some my age and I hung out with all of them and dated some of them.

We would go to the squadron ball games and cheer our team on, and in turn meet people from other squadrons who were there cheering their team on. So If you play sports,look into joining one of the base teams, lots of people go to the games to support their squadrons singles and marrieds, so even if you don't play, maybe go and offer support to your squadron team and meet the folks in the stands.

Eat at the base dining hall, make idle conversation with the people around you in line about the food, singles from all over the base eat there, so give that a whirl.

The men I hung out w/ dated women their age, older and younger they weren't going out looking for a marriage partner or even a sex buddy, they were just looking to go out and have someone to do things with. And as I had friends of all ages, both men and women, I'd make plans to meet them ALL out somewhere so that we could all go have fun, and the men would in turn invite some of their single friends, and the women would invite some of the other single friends they knew and we usually had five or six tables filled with just our group of friends and of course there would be others there who weren't with our group that would come over and introduce themselves, then we'd all go out for breakfast at one of the local truckstops.

Do you shop at the Exchange on base? There are single women who work there as well.

If you live on or off base, throw a party, have a cook out and invite people from the various squadrons that you know, some of the ladies are bound to be single.

Even getting to know married couples, is a plus, because most of them know others who are single.

Something one of the larger local churches here did was start a Single Parents Sunday School Class, they didn't think there was a need for that, until the Pastors daughter went through a divorce, and the Singles Ministry wasn't meeting her needs. It was rather funny though because even then he didn't think there was "a need" for such a class, but he didn't realize just how many Single Parents there were. The first year they started the class there were some 25 single parents in the class, by the second year as word got out and members of the class started inviting other single parents they knew there were some 200 ppl in the class, by the fouth year they split the class in half by ages, because there were SO MANY and no other church in the city offered that ministry. People were leaving different churches just to be in a class with others who struggled in some of the same ways they did, and by the sixth year, other churches in the city started their own Single Parents Classes.

One of the other local churches would have a Singles Night of praise music, bible study and a light dinner, they even had child care in place so that single parents could go.

So check around and see what is out there in your community.

When my oldest daughter was little and I was a single mom, a group of us from the single parents class would get together and take the kids to the local childrens theater, trips to the zoo, we went on picnics to the various historical parks and monuments, we'd go to the local skating rink on Christian Music night. We even planned activities where the teens would babysit the younger kids so that the adults could go out alone. Shoot even at Christmas we would have a Christmas party and the married couples classes would draw names and donate gifts for the kids knowing the single parents couldn't afford a whole lot. The folks I hung out with on the 4th of July would plan a cook out, all of us bringing various food items, each purchasing a small package of fireworks and have a party. Some of us loved to camp one of the men had a HUGE back yard, so we would get together and plan a backyard camp out for everyone.

So if your church doesn't have a single parents ministry SUGGEST it to YOUR PASTOR!! If he says there isn't a need remind him of the divorce statistics and let him know your need as a single parent as they are different than someone who is single with NO Children or even married with Children.

Your support network needs are different, your financial needs are different in that your trying to raise kids alone now, and need others who have been there or are there who can offer suggestions, and emotional support when your struggling in ways someone who has never been divorced or even married understands. I know there are other things I haven't mentioned but that you can write out and share with him and let him know the need it there.

You could even ask other single parents you know if it's something they would be interested in going too, and take them with you to talk to your pastor. You could post notices in local stores advertising the start of the new ministry at your church, as some single parents don't go to church at all because they feel they don't offer anything for them.

Okay, so you can tell I'm out going and really don't have a problem meeting others. I just hope these tips are useful.

Something else I forgot to mention, your being military, you could look into the Space Available flights, take your kids and go visit other places during your vacations.

See if your base has any flights to other countries or other cities you'd like to visit and then make vacation plans to go do something.

Sure, you'd have to pay for a rental car, food and lodging, but the flight itself wouldn't cost anything and you'd be having a good time with your kids making lots of memories.

I know some bases have flights to Rota, Spain, The Azores, Hawaii, Sicily, Japan, England, Alaska, like I said, you and your kids could have a blast and with their ages they don't have many more years of having their ID Cards to be able to go and do those things.

If you are going out to lunch/dinner alone - eat at the bar..Since I'm in the STBXW status - I eat out alot by myself, but always sit in the bar area..Hoping someone will sit down and start a conversation...

Get your spirits up and get out there..Being down on yourself and your situation isn't attractive..Meeting people, dating, etc. isn't all about exterior looks..some of us look at the inside of a person too..

Never thought about doing that...a table can be imposing to someone wanting to approach you...you could be waiting for someone.

At the bar, there is no mistaking that a person is by themselves.

Thanks! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

BTW, how are you doing?

WNB

I'm doing too good..I'm starting to scare people with my strength and my detaching from WH.

Since I am outgoing - I do strike up conversation w/others in the bar area. Even couples - hey, it's someone to talk to and if I was "looking" maybe they'd know of a true nice guy for me..Most times other people will stop and talk with the couple and they end up introducing me too..I've met alot of people in a short time and I live in a rural area. Hey, I even rub elbows with the farmers.LOL I always ask about the cows...LOL..Not many of the guys are potential partners but they are friendly and harmless..that's a good thing...

The more people you met the better your chances when you are ready..

Oh - and if you do sit at a table alone - it looks like you were stood up...and just ate anyway..I'd rather mingle...

ItHurts,

If you don't mind my asking, are you male or female?

Just curious, as I think this is more acceptable for a guy to do than a woman.

I even had this conversation with my xbf. I saw him one time at a bar eating, by himself. Which, I had no problem with.
To get a reaction to this, I asked him how it would look for me to do that, and he had quite the surprised look on his face.
He said something to the effect of if I wanted to get hit on....

Anyway, just curious.

Karona

Ooops, you just answered my question in a follow-up post.

It looks as though you are female.

Fill me in on this. Do you go to Outback type places?

This would be WAY out of my comfort zone!!

Karona