It's been REALLY hard to shake, but I have been DYING for SF and ANY physical intimacy!!! It's been since the end of February and it ain't getting better!

I HAD toyed with asking STBXW if she wanted to be "friends" with benefits, but after the drive to and from the airport with her last night and this morning, I don't think that I want to do that...YET!!!

"Taking matters in my own hand(s)" is not helping...it just makes me realize how much I miss "REAL" SF and how masturbation is just a shadow of SF.

I had set my bar at "no SF" until the D was final...I find my will crumbling and and thinking about "lowering the bar" to no SF until STBXW leaves for her (possible) year-long whore-fest overseas at the end of next month. Once she leaves, there is NO turning back to the "M" IMHO.

The ONLY thing that MIGHT impress me is IF STBXW gave up her follow-on assignment to her hometown and came back here. It won't happen...she's WAY to selfish for that.

Back on topic...I am not terribly thrilled with the idea of ONS as I really do desire (eventually) to be back in a committed MONOGAMOUS relationship, but the SF itch needs SCRATCHING!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

ANy suggestions (other than hookers?) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I am being tested here!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

WNB

I feel your pain, man...

I had one ONS in Feb, after seperating at the end of Nov. I was altogether disappointed in the event. I expected more, and it was for the most part an empty experience. Alcohol took part in it, as well as my motivations were not only for my pleasure, but revenge...so those factors may have helped diminish the enjoyment of it.

I have been dating recently, although have avoided sex...just getting attention from other women has helped pull my ego out of the gutter...I don't have the same rule as you were aspiring to...I just am not ready yet. My D is likely to take more than nine months from now - that will be approximately 1.5 years of celibacy...I don't think I can make it that long....



TM

I know it's difficult, but I guess the one thing I learned from my sexual addiction is that my need for sex is not as great as I thought it was. As part of my treatment I had to go months with NO form of sex...none, nada, zilch. I went from daily activity, to zero and had to keep it that way.

What I found is that it wasn't about the sex, it was about the emotional needs. Fill those and the needs for the sex diminish.

I'm not a man but I know how you feel!
I miss it too and also miss having that emotional connection with someone. I know our day will come. I wouldn't recommend asking your wife to be friends with benefits. I wish you the best. We all feel your pain here. :-)

Thanks for the tip...FWB with STBXW seems like a real dumb idea the more I think about it, even though the "southern head" thinks it's a good idea. The "northern head" then thinks...what an uncomfortable moment it would be in the "afterglow"...would I just get dressed and leave? What would we talk about?

OT - Everytime we are together, it's like we're strangers grasping for something to talk about because talking about the big elephant in the living room (her multiple A's and our failed M) is not an option or her...classic CA.

Anyway, with it being summer and all you lovely ladies walking around in skimpy tops and shorts ain't helping matters AT ALL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Staying strong...one day at a time...

WNB

Hi WHnowBS,

All I would say is please consider long term effects versus a quick sexual fix.Don't do anything more that would jeopardize your integrity again and also your future with another woman.Visiting prostitutes(don't go there!) and having sex(even ons's ) with other women while still married is just cheating again.And like TM said I don't know that even having a one nighter with your WW will be as fulfilling as you think and may end up hurting you emotionally.Who knows.

Take it from a woman who has now gone almost a year and a half now without any SF but refuses to fill that need until the right time and the right man AFTER I am D'd.Unlike air and water,etc,SF is a need I enjoy and would love to have very much one day,again,but it's not something I am going to die from by not having.So I endure like so many other's and redirect my energies,shall we say,in other activities.

Hopefully the feeling will subside for you in time so you won't go crazy.lol Sorry if this wasn't helpful.You're not alone though,that's for sure.Be strong~

O

First, I'd recommend ever adding the benifits part to the relationship with your stbx or you x. IMHO, that is a definate invitation to pain.

I don't know what to tell you on the other, myself, I spent over 3.5 years in celebacy after my marriage ended. I did this inspite of the offers of ONS or "friends with benifits" opportunities. I did it for me. I decided that such a great gift should not be held outside of a fully committed relationship. I am pleased that I made that choice and stuck with it.

Thanks for the replies OG and LH

The hooker comment was in jest...really! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

WRT ONS's I am not going to bars (never liked them except on rare ocassion), so that helps keep me out of temptation.

Believe it or not, that thought of having to explain my current actions to any prospective ladies helps keep me in line.

It's bad enough that I will have to explain my FORMER wayward past, but having to explain a torrent of ONS's after being D'ed is NOT attractive.

I certainly would not like to hear that from any ladies I was dating.

It's SO hard...SF with STBXW was good! I have been eating the steak of real SF for nine years and am now relegated to Hamburger Helper AKA masturbation.

Patience!!!

WNB

Consider yourself lucky that you know what the real thing is.
Just imagine how great it will be with the right mate. You may learn that you had ground beef, when filet mignon was possible <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

All this talk of food is making me horn...er...hungry.


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />



TM

LOL

Hi WhnBh,

I tell ya, ONS is a VERY temporary solution to a long-term problem. It's like Chinese food: a day later you're, uh, 'hungry' again.

I remember after my D, before I met my current H: I'd take them back, if I could. Really. They made me want a LTR even more. (and I'm not the senitmental-girly type). - Dru

WNB,

Have you talked with your exW yet and apologized? You said you were going to do that. I hope you do, for I suspect it will bring your some peace of mind, and it will remind you of why this is going to have to end the way it seems destined to end...it was not right to start with.

As for your situation??? There are no easy solutions so why not take the honorable one, and let the divorce happen before you do anything. You will be much happier with yourself in the long run.

God Bless,

JL

I sure did...on Thursday night, 23 June.

I didn't want to do it...no one likes admitting they acted like a complete @$$, but it was the right thing to do and I am glad I did it. I almost broke down in front of her (didn't want to do that!), but she said she had forgiven me years ago. She called later and suggessted that I try going to church as that was her saviing grace after I treated her so horrendously.

Her (XW) and I have no future...there were other issues that were never resolved, but I think we are on the road to being friendly again.

I have STBXW's XH (my other victim) apology letter ready and it will be in the mail tomorrow.

Today was a little better regarding my incessant drive!

One day at a time!

Thanks JL,

WNB

WHnowBS...

I hear you. Us women on this forum have just as much of a sex drive as you men ( : Since WH wasn't able to perform secondary to guilt for ~9 months and then I spent a year separated from WH, I went through a nearly 2 year dry spell where I was horny as all hell. It is funny that when it is stripped from you, you want it more??? And yes, I agree, masturbation is a nice release and better than I would believe a ONS would be (never had one) but definitely pales BIG time in comparison to "making love". I could NEVER make love with WH again as I honestly doubt a friendship is even possible with his delinquent a**hole behavior this past year. So I waited until....

One night, ironically the year anniversary of D-Day, I got all dressed up...short black skirt, calf high boots, a sexy top, au natural hair/makeup (am I getting you going...ha, ha, ha). Anyways, I was headed to a local pub where a bunch of fellow runners/triathletes were congregated for a going-away party. I walk in with confidence, a smile on my face, along with a friend and immediately notice a hot young lad sitting at the bar. Gals....he is 6'3", an athletic bod, strong facial features (like a CK model), tan skin, beautiful teeth, a full head of hair (unlike WH...oops, did I just put him down?), a contagious smile, and later I find out he is a fellow triathlete/runner and a very passionate Navy Seal sniper. Whooo, what a babe. The only problem was that he was speaking to some blond girl so I go upon my business interrupting the men playing pool and onto my friends in the back of the bar. I am groovin to the tunes blaring from the DJ and all and all really enjoying the intimate night with all my closest friends. I guess my Navy Seal friend really noticed me cuz as soon I went to the restroom, he left his blond friend and starts asking others about me. When I return to my beer sitting on the table, he is conveniently sitting there in the seat next to mine. He introduces himself and I am immediately impressed by his ability to intellectually stimulate me....SCORE! It is not often that I find good looks and an intellect! We hit it off and before I know it, foreplay begins...he is very intimately stroking my leg, putting his arm around me, we take a pix together, and we are making some pretty intense eye contact. At this point, I was literally burning with desire and I could tell he was too so my friend gives us a ride home. Now, I have never impulsively taken any man home like this before but something told me it was right so I listened to my instincts. We get upstairs and it is a matter of seconds before our innocent foreplay transforms into a very big firework display in bed <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> The next morning, I woke up in the arms of this f*ckin hot man in my bed and for the first time in over a year, I am grinnin from ear to ear. We spend the morning holding each other and conversing and the rest is history.

Now, the exploration begins. I have found this new man to be extremely mature...guess Navy Seals are always trained to access the situation at hand. He was initially concerned about being a "rebound" guy as this damn divorce drags on cuz of my noncompliant a**hole STBX WH but now understands that I am, indeed, moved forward from this heartache. Our timing is not that great though cuz he is being shipped off soon for an indefinite amount of time and is currently very busy working on an advanced snipering degree before he lieaves so I I am not sure what will happen. All I do know is I have this amazing crush on someone other than my STBX WH and it has lead to some pretty amazing masturbation sessions while he is gone....the hand with a vision is a good thing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

So WHnowBS...put some sexy clothes on and head out on the town, make eye contact with a women with whom shows interest and with whom you are attracted to and see where the innocent "crush" leads you whether it be home for a firework display or something that will make your hand a bit more pleasurable.

Happy sex trails,

Muels

This isn't my board, but I thought I'd offer some words of hope. I'm a military wife with a LOT of long, enforced periods of celibacy under my belt.

In my experience, after about three months the cravings usually get more manageable. They don't go away completely, but you stop obsessing about it all the time.

Don't know if that helps or not or even if it'll happen for you, but had to offer some hope.

Dobie

OK, first, I am glad I am not the only one!!!

I agree, we girls need loving too! SF was never a problem...ok, except that STBXH is a SA and was getting it everywhere... still, I miss it terribly!!!

Yes, it was a top 5 for me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I also thought about the "benefits" part and have, in the past, gone back and had the need met in the safest place I know... somehow you get so caught up in the NEED that you can cast aside the STD you were treated for not that long ago!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I had already realized that he was doing us both and I was gonna have to be retested in a few months anyway... <sigh> Sad, huh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Anyways, just really glad to see I am not the only one who has thought long and hard... ok, serious Freudian slip there... about the prospect of going long term w/o SF!

You're not making this any easier!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> I have always been a fan of ladies in skirts...STBXW knew this...I told her. She looked VERY nice in them...again I told her that too, but she would not wear them...isn't it funny how the self-centeredness becomes apparent AFTER I find out about her multiple A's? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

What a coincidence!..I have done a couple of Olympic-distance triathlons (I want to do an Ironman -length someday)and have run one marathon (gave me a REAL appreciation of how HARD the Ironman-length will be!)

I guess we endurance athletes aren't immune to life's little "hiccups".

I am patiently waitng until STBXW leaves at the end of August. That way if, SOMEHOW, she REALLY pulls her head out of her @$$, I won't be entangled with "other" people...it's not fair to them.

I seriously doubt it will happen, but 4 1/2 months ago I would have seriously doubted that STBXW didn't learn the same lessons about infidelity that I did 9 years ago.

Good luck with your new beau! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You deserve some happiness!

WNB

It is a BIG EN for me too...

I HAVE to keep my integrity intact...I am already bringing a steamer-trunk load of "other" issues to any future relationships...no need adding man-whore to my list!

Decent women want decent men, so I must behave like one...even if it is hard!

WNB

AMEN! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> and BTW, LMAO at man-whore...I got me one of them and am trying to trade him in!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

I am coming from a very faithful, and yes a near pristine, history here (I graduated HS "intact" and have had only 2 partners in life, one I was engaged to the other I Md)

... I learned to like SF in the context of my M, it was wonderful, fulfilling, satisfying and more. Now suddnely it is stripped away frm me like everything else!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

And how can I stand up in my faith in front of my Lord and say, sorry, I had more maturity and sense in HS than I did in my 30s!!!???

I hope you are right Dobie, I hope it goes away around 3 months.... I was a military W too and had no problem with waiting 6 months+. I dealt just fine. Still, back then I had an *end date* and now that is not the case!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />