We have been married for almost 12 years and been together for 15 years. We have a 2-year-old.

Last year my H told me that he wants a divorce and since then, it has been seven months. We tried two different marriage counselors but they could not help. H thinks I have been a nagging wife and hard to please. Looking back, especially after our first child was born almost three years ago, I was, yes, tired all the time and complaining about H constantly since I felt I was always doing more work. H had a crush on this young college girl, which triggered the whole thing but she was not interested in him. Still, H insisted he wants out.

H moved out two months ago. When he moved out he made it sound like this might be healthy for both of us to spend some time away if we could get back together. But things are getting worse. H has been depressed and also seeing a counselor for SA (sex addiction) for a year now, and H thinks all the bad thing happened to him in the past are because of me and our relationship, and claims I am unhealthy for him. Initially H said he has never loved me the whole time we were together but he only lusted me. Later he corrected the statement and said he DID love me very much. Either way, he does not love me now.

H has so many personal issues, but I still remember sweet side of him and wants him back. But the more I try, it seems the further I am pushing him away. He told me to stop hanging in there because I am only hurting myself and our son. He also told me that if I only talk about us getting back together I will be hearing from his lawyer. Yesterday he left me a message saying that the reason I am dragging the whole thing is because I am trying to get as much money as possible and am trying to bankrupt him! He is not even paying for the mortgage, and I have been paying for his bills and mortgage myself since he moved out. He only gives a bit less than 20% of his net income. I don't know where his logic comes from. People including his family tell me that he is mentally ill and unstable and we cannot reason him. But is that really what is happening?

Please help! Is there any way I can reach his heart?

I am adding a bit more info on this - I have been sending him letters/emails to tell him how much I still love him and how I am willing to restore our marriage.

My friends and his family members have told me to stop telling him that I love him, because that might be making the situation worse.

When he says "I am unhealthy for him", he means I am making him escape into pornography, other women including fantasy women, and depression. His counselors and family have told him to stop being a victem all the time, but that hasn't worked. He has blamed his parents (his biological mother died and was raised by his step mom) for not providing enough love, which he claimed turned him into a low-self-esteem insecure guy. He has been blaming me obviously, and says he has been unhappy for the first part of his life (he will be 37 next month), and wants to be happy the second half of his life. And the only way for him to achieve this is to get away from me.

Is there anything I can do to stop him to rethink? Is there anyone who has gone through the similar situation or can apply similar strategy that worked or might work? Any suggestions/advice is appreciated. I am desperate...

I think my problem is not having any concrete plan, because I feel like I tried everything I could think of, and none has worked.

Please any advice!?

Is he involved with a particular other woman?

BTW, don't buy into the thought that your situation is hopeless or that your expression of love for him will drive him away.

There's always HOPE..

You are right, though. There is need for a plan for yourself.

Hello MS -- Welcome to this site! I have found it very, very helpful and encouraging. There are a lot of wise people you will hear from who are veteran BS's! Your situation may not be hopeless. Are you familiar with Harley's books "His Needs/Her Needs" and "Surviving an Affair"? If not, I recommend you pick up both books and read them pronto. In the meantime, read WAT's quick Guidelines in the "Just Found Out" Section of this Site, become familiar with "Plan A" and start implementing it right away!

Good Luck!

Stung

Thanks for your comments/encouragement to mimi1254 and stungalong.

I have been implementing Plan A, although it is not working since (1) he had moved out two months ago and is physically not there, and (2) my being "nice" to him and loving to him appears to him that I am trying to control the situation (meaning trying to get him back) AGAIN, in his mind.

People tell me it's his addiction that is driving this so I cannot really reason him because he is not mentally stable. I don't know what to do....

MS:

You didn't answer my question as to whether he is having an A.

You said all of this:


My general response is that you seem to be focusing a lot on him. You are wondering: Is PLAN A having an effect? HE thinks you are being too controlling,etc. PLAN A is YOUR PLAN, you doing what you feel you need to do to be a better person, a better wife...

I think it is important for you to believe in yourself, in your value and your capabilities. Then, you won't feel so hopeless. I think we feel hopeless when we look outside ourselves. Does this make sense? Tell yourself that you can make positive things happen in your life. Hard to do this, I know. I have to constantly work on this myself.

M1254, Thanks for your reply. No, he is not having an A.

He confessed that during our marriage (12 years), he has fallen in love with another girls a number of times. In fact, I found his love letters to two of those girls in the past. However, he actually never gave those letters to them and nothing has actually happened.

The last incident was with this young college girl whom I know too. We met her because she goes to the same church as my brother-in-law (my H's brother) and his wife. They are heavily involved in church activities, and the girl is basically almost a part of their family, so whenever my H, I and our kid visited them she was there.

My H was inspired by her because she is open about her past (she tried to kill herself several times), something he wants to become (he is ashamed of his SA problem and wants to overcome that), and she is teaching bibles to other students, something he feels I am lacking (the spiritual side).

I do not think I am unspiritual - I believe in doing the right things, being honest, helping others, being a good mother, etc. But I am from Japan and did not grow up Christian. My H is Italian and Christian, however he has never practiced it. He was feeling emptiness and doing soul-searching, and felt that this young girl has everything he was looking for. She is blonde and has blue eyes, something my H was always attracted to.

In H's letter to her, he said that she had enabled him to throw away all of his pornographic video tapes and DVDs, something even his counseling sessions nor SA meetings could have done. There is no mentioning of me, of course. But his counselor told him all what he did was "replacing" his DVDs with this young girl.

Anyway, since she had no interest in H anyway, nothing really happened. In fact, she was scared and never wants to be alone with H again. When H learned this fact, he was pretty depressed.

When H was still living with us, he signed up for "Lovalife", the online dating service. Apparently, he has used this service before but I never knew about it. He cancelled it because after all, he was still living with us because that time he lost his job and had no other place to go. He was scared I would kick him out, so he cancelled the service.

After he moved out (now he has a new job), my guess is that he has signed up for another (or the same, who knows) dating service or something. The reason is once he mentioned "I met several women but some of them were not good for me, and some were not interested in me because I have a son". I don't think he would be having this type of conversation if he just met them at a bar or something.

So even though he is not with anyone YET, he is seeking for this wonderful ideal woman. He is mad though, now, because he is not with anyone yet and told me "that's okay, life it not all about finding a woman and get stuck in the relationship. I am not afraid of dying alone".

He told me just a couple of days ago "I don't love you, and we have to agree on terms according to how much we make". I have always made more money, so it will be convinient for him to divide things up according to our income. I have been trying to get him back because I LOVE him, but he thinks I am doing this to get more money (HOW??) or something.

He just does not trust me, even though I am not the one who cheated (Okay, technically he did not cheat either, but he is the one who has always imagined being with other girls). Also I don't lie, that is something against my value, but H has always lied to me, whether it was about small things or big things. He even told in front of SA people at one of the meetings that he is a "compulsive liar", which is true. One of the reasons I have nagged him in the past is because he always lied to me. I could not stand it.

I really do not see any hope. Things are getting worse as we wait longer, because H is a VERY impatient person and if he does not get what he wants immediately, he gets upset. So initially he was telling me "I will leave you everything. I don't want the money nor the house. I will leave our son to you too", because he felt guilty. Now he demands money, the part of the house (I have been paying on my own the whole mortgage for the past three months though!), and even 50% physical custody. I can't believe it. How can he become so heartless? He used to be so sweet, and has told me so many times that he "cannot live" without me and our child.

Am I being too stupid and naive believing that H can turn around and come to his senses? H's family thinks he is mentally ill. I don't know. H of course claims otherwise - he says because I was never warm to him and he always felt something was missing in our relationship and he was always sad. As long as he stays with me, he cannot become mentally healthy. Thus he needs to get away from me. Besides, he does not feel he loves me anymore. He only loves our son.

If I love him, should I let him go? That's another thing he said to me.

I cannot sleep, I cannot work, and I HATE being so weak. I am attractive, very educated, and a lot of guys flirt with me so I know if all I care is to be with some guy, I can find someone. But I want my H I fell in love with and had a son with. The current H is someone I cannot recognize. Neither his family can. But maybe I love him based on my "hope" or "illusion". Maybe the person I loved is gone. Why am I so obsessed with him? There are many other guys who are more mentally stable. But he is the father of my son. We met in college and went through so much together. I came all the way to this country to be with him. How can I ever be able to replace him?

I need to get out of this cycle. This is eating me up...

HELP!

Have you heard of ALANON. It's a self-help, support group for family members of folks with an addiction. Sounds like this would be great for you since you say that your H is a SA. Do you agree with that label for him?

The whole SA thing was very new to me, and at first I thought "hey, guys will be guys, they all watch pornography, right?", but then I started to read some of the books about the addiction and a lot of profile fits my H. He was arrested last June (a year ago) because he was masturbating in his car. Does that make him SA? Yes, by his therapists and "I don't know" is my answer.

One thing for sure is that he is so ashamed of what happned, but at the same time said repeatedly "I am so glad I was arrested because I always wondered what my problem was". He started to take some anti-depressant last fall, which decreases his sexual drive, and I guess that is how he stopped desiring me and he concluded "so I just lusted my wife, and it was never 'love'", leading to his comment "I have never loved you in the past I only lusted you". Although later he corrected his statement by saying "I DID love you very much". He was crying when he said it. But the fact remains - he does not love me now.

I heard of ALANON or other support groups. I am reading Dr. Harley's website and there is a mention of the addiction as well. My therapists have told me that unless his addiction gets treated, we can never have a successful relationship.

I guess I am not sure whether the whole thing was caused primarily by his addiction, or as he claims, years of his frustration and saddness because his emotional needs were not met by me?

Can anyone tell me I should be in Plan A or Plan B? I have been writing to him to let him know how I feel about him, but it appears those words annoy him. He gets so mad when he hears me saying "I love you" or "we can work this out" or "our son loves us together".

Milkshake:

I really would recommend that you go to an ALANON support group as soon as possible.

The key is to work on yourself first.

What do you think?

M1254, I agree with you 100%. And I have been trying - I have been reading the bible, SA related books/articles, other self help type books, etc.

But I must say, I have this HUGE fear that while I am working on myself, my H will go further and further away from me. I feel that I am losing him each day. And I want to do something about it. I am so scared when I think of my future. I know it is not right to try to stop him because of the fear. It is not only because of the fear. I love him, and I do not want to lose our history, memories, and our future plans we once had together.

But as long as the fear is there, I cannot help but to think "I need to do something now, before it gets too late", which drives me crazy. I think my pushing H is driving him crazy too, so I am trying to control myself and to give him space. Which I have been doing, and that is why I thought initially him moving out would be a good thing. But maybe I should not have let him do that. Now his heart is gone.

I need to be strong, but it is very hard. I don't even have any family here. But if we divorce, I cannot even leave this country with my son, which means I cannot even get support and emotional help from my own family members who live abroad. I don't know what to do.

I've learned that I'm FEARFUL when I FEEL POWERLESS...

The only person that you really have control over is yourself. Once you recognize your personal power, your H will likely find you more attractive. If he does not, is he the person that you need to be with?

Work on your PERSONAL POWER and LOVING YOURSELF, MS. I had to learn this. This was the answer for me and MY MARRIAGE. If you can't do this on your own, get help from a therapist and find an ALANON GROUP....

Hello Again -- Everyone here will tell you that Plan A is not about "being nice" to the WS; it is about making yourself an attractive alternative to, in your case, your WH's "outside interests." But the important thing to remember is that a good Plan A will make you stronger, happier, and more able to cope with what is happening in your M. It appears that your WH is being destructive and selfish. If that is true, Plan B is in order. What do you think?

Stung

Thanks M1254 and SA. My H just came by this morning and picked up our son. He gave me a check (1/2 of what he gave me last month) and said would give me another half in two weeks. The total does not even cover the month of our son's daycare cost. It is not even half of our mortgage. H says once we settle things (=D), he wants to pay less than 20% of his net income, which is the minumum in the state of Illinois.

I can't believe how selfish he has become. Am I wasting my time trying to implement Plan A at this point, like SA said in your reply? But I cannot really do Plan B either, as he has to come pick up his son when he wants to see him and we have to talk/email each other to coordinate that during the week.

Should I be contacting a lawyer? But then I am leading towards D. Sometimes (like this morning) I feel like I have lost my respect towards H and do not really want him back, unless he changes back to the way he was before.

How can he sleep at night doing all these selfish things and still demanding he wants to see our son more?

I do not want to be a [censored], but sometimes I get so angry at him that I want to contact a lawyer and start a battle. But then the whole idea of fighting with someone I trusted and spent the past 15 years with and had a child with makes me feel really sad.

I would contact an attorney to protect you and your son. Trust me, right now your husband has no concern for your welfare.

I didn't contact an attorney for a long time - thought it showed that I wanted to save my marriage. All it showed WH was that he was free to blow all of our money on the OW. He went through over $100,000. before I woke up and went to an attorney. Unfortunately that money is gone, and I have no hope of getting any of it back.

Thanks Believer. $100K! Wow. How did he spend it? He borrowed against the house or something?

I am so scared to start the whole legal thing, but know I have to do it. We wanted to agree on terms so that we could avoid the legal costs (or minimize them), but it seems he is not going to come up with anything I would agree anyway (less than 20% in child support and a 50% physical custory - to both of them, my answer is NO!).

He asked me "do you know how bad it is and can screw up kids if they don't get to see their fathers?". I can't believe the comment, because (1)he has been seeing our son every week, (2)he is the one who has left us and if anything, divorce is one of the worst things could happen in kids life and that itself can screw up our son!

I want to believe he is not that evil, but he is becoming worse... I guess I will contact an attorney on Monday.

It is not that your husband is evil - they just get crazy when they think they are "in love". The funny part of my story is that WH insists that OW doesn't care about money. I used to tell him that for someone who is not interested in money, she sure has the knack for getting him to blow it on her.

My WH spent his $25,000 retirement bonus, his IRA retirement savings, and all of his pay for the last 3 years. I pay the costs for our home. Over the last 3 years he has given me $150. I had to take in boarders to make ends meet. Meanwhile he and OW have been wining and dining, going on trips every weekend, and even went to Hawaii together for 2 weeks.

I finally woke up and am divorcing him.

And don't fall for the "agreeing" on a settlement. That is what WH and I started out doing. I spend $500. twice on a settlement that he drew up. When it was written up by 2 different lawyers, he refused to sign it.

When your WH says he wants to avoid legal costs, it really means that he wants to keep most of his money to spend on OW.

Thanks Believer. But the thing is, right now H does not have anyone. H may feel something for someone, but he does not have anyone yet. The reason I say this is just a few weeks ago he told me "I met several women, some of them are not good for me, and some of them were not interested in me because I have a son".

From this statement, I supected that he has signed up for a dating service. Because he moved out 2 1/2 months ago, it is not possible for him to meet so many women and ask them if they are "interested". Usually you need to have several dates, and then move on to the next stage where you want some type of confirmation if they are really "interested".

Of course I could be wrong, but he wants to spend time with our son pretty much every weekend, so again, I don't think he has anyone YET.

The thing is, I cannot win or even compete with his "fantasy" woman. If he already has someone, which is also really bad, but at least she is a human being and I am sure she will have flaws as well. I am competing with someone who is not real and PERFECT.

My guess is he does not want to spend a lot of money because of course he wants to impress "her", whoever that will be. He does not want to pay a lot in child support because he of course wants to spend on "her".

I just spoke to his dad. Whole his family is behind me, but they are frustrated and sad as well, because they cannot do anything to change H's mind. H's family members have told me to "move on", in order to save my mental healthy and ability to take care of my son.

Why do I have such a big hang-up on such a selfish indivudual?? Am I co-dependent?