I need advice. For the past three months since H moved out, I have been paying for the house by myself. It's a lot, and I cannot keep paying for it especially knowinig that H can still claim for the part of the house when we D. H told me several times that "the house is yours. Sell it and get an apartment for you and our son". But it is his promise against the air and H has always lied to me in the past, so that really does not count. The only way for me to secure that it is not I am paying for "nothing", but I am actually paying for my own place, H has to sign on Quit D form for the house.

Asking H to sign on the paper would result in an ugly scene, I can be sure of it. Then the only other way is really for us to go ahead and start the D process. Illinois is an equity state, so it is not like it is going to be 50/50, and considering I have been paying for the mortgage myself, the judge will take that into consideration. Still, I cannot keep doing this forever. I can either sell it, or refinance it. If I refinance it, I can still pay for it. But right now the house is under both of our names, I have to have H agree to that or sign on the QD form. If H simply signs for the refinancing agreement, again it is going to under BOTH of our names and I will still have to make the payment without knowing that I am simply giving the money away and H will benefit.

What should I do? I really want to ask H to either (1) pay for the half of the mortgage, or (2) sign the QD form. But then if H sign on QD form, he will most likely ask me to give me some money for him to also purchase a condo or town home or something.

We always split the bilss 50/50 and I am a saver so I ended up with quite a bit of savings account. It's also b/c I had sizable savings prior to our marriage and I continued to invest what I had, so that part grew too. In the mean time, H had his own savings, but he has never been a saver, and especially after his arrest, he had to pay for the attorney and H basically ended up in debt and no savings.

H claims half of my savings is his. H says he will give me the house if I give him a lump sum. So if H signs on Quit D, I am sure he will ask for the money. But I do not want to do any asset division without lawyers. But that means we are going straignt to D! What should I do? What would you do?

MILK:

In my opinion,ALL of your more recent questions and issues need to be handled by an attorney. That can avoid ugly scenes, etc. and would be well worth the money to you. You can simply say to him, SPEAK WITH MY ATTORNEY. Isn't YOUR child HIS child?

This is where we are definitely not alike, MILK. I made sure that my FWH took care of our son and me financially. He always did. He more than met his financial obligations to us. I maintained free access his bank account and withdrew money at will while keeping my own bank account. There was no way I would pay the mortgage or move into an apartment.

Your H is definitely emotionally abusing you. That has got to stop! I urge you to begin taking care of yourself and your son TODAY. It seems that he certainly does not care about your physical or emotional well-being right now.... There is NOTHING that YOU can do to change that. You have got to begin taking care of yourself.

The thing is, Mimi, unless we seek a legal separation or something, there is nothing lawyers or I can do to make H pay for the house. Ahd the legal separation is same as D, except we don't decide on asset division. SO even the legal separation cannot solve the problem, b/c H can only pay 20% of his net income and we decide no visitation schedule, etc., but still when it comes to the mortgage, I will have to pay and we don't even have to decide who is going to get what.

So really the ultimate solution is D. My friends have been telling me to let H pay half of the mortgage, but I asked him once and H got so mad. He kept telling me "sell the house, you cannot afford it, sell the house". One of the lawers I met thinks (I showed him a series of H's emails to me) right now all what H wants is money and so I can say "I will give you XXX when D is over" that way he cannot ask for money during the D process. But that means D.

That's why I was thinking of asking H to pay for the half of the mortgag, just to give him an option, and if he says no (which I am sure what is going to happen), and I may ask him to come up with his terms for D then. B/c the reason H is saying "no" for the mortgage is he thinks he is going to give the house to me, so why should he pay for it? But my worry is that his thinking can change later as it did in the past. I can keep paying and at the last minute when D really takes place, he can say "well, I am entitled for the house". That is what I am afraid of. I want to believe H won't do such things, but he has changed.

7.5 months ago, when the whole thing happened, H was feeling so bad that he told me "I give you everything. You keep the house, you keep all of your money, and our son. I love my son and want to keep him but I know you want to keep him so I will leave him with you too. All what I need is my computer, my car, and some basic things". After a while he started saying "maybe we can split the equity of the house (we have big equity) in three, and you can get 2/3 and I will get 1/3. And we can divide the savings in a fair manner". On several occasions when H was really mad, he said "I am entitled for 50% of everything!".

So, depending on H's mindset, it can go either way. That is why I want to secure my position. But at the same time there is NOTHING I can do unless we start the D process. H gives me $800 a month now, which covers about 85% of our son's daycare expenses. Should I just be happy that H is paying something? Another reason H is not paying for the house is I make good money. Manytimes I wondered if I decided to stay home a while back when we were considering starting a family - maybe H wouldn't have done this. Because he knows I am financial independent, H feels much less guilty about doing this. He even said to me "MILK, you are physically and financially okay alone. So just get over me emotionally and you will be fine".

I wish we were just renting!!!!!!

Legal separation is not the same as divorce.

I had a legal separation and never divorced. Starting the divorce process (which we did) doesn't mean you have to end in divorce... Some lawyers here will have folks to believe that but it is not true. I made it clear to my lawyer that I specifically wanted a LEGAL SEPARATION. I had no plans at that time to D my H. Educate yourself on the laws of your state.

You have got to protect yourself LEGALLY!

IMHO, you cannot deal with your H any other way at this point. He is not acting rationally so needs the ARM OF THE LAW... It does you no good to ask him for anything...

I did not read much into the details of your house situation. However, I suggest that you ask for what YOU think is in the best interests of you and your son.....Do this with the assistance of an attorney....

Thanks Mimi. I am very nervous. I know I have to control my fear. But entering into the legal seperation or D really makes me feel that I have lost H forever and I miss him. I miss our old happy days. I am scared. Many people get over D/separation after 1-2 years, and I am pissed at myself that after 8 months, still the only thing I can think of is my H. My friends are also upset that I am still saying that I want H back.

I made an appointment with one of the lawyers who returned my call on Tuesday. I have left 4 messages with SA-NON group but haven't been able to get a hold of anyone. I also contacted my old therapist but she is fully booked for next week so I will have my app. in two weeks.

I am trying to do things that needed to be done, but I just want to scream WHY, WHY, WHY, is H gone?? I don't want to lose him. I want my old H back. But like OSXgirl said, H was always unfaithful in a strange way behind my back, so the person I thought I knew and was in love with may not be a real. That thought scares me too.

You said:





What you are not understanding is that gaining his respect is essential! He may not want to come back to a person who does not consider herself to be valuable and worthy.

Furthermore, you will have to accept just like I did when I was at your point: You have already lost him! He is not your H right now... for whatever reason...all you have right now is yourself.

Try to think of ways to redirect yourself to change your thought process..

For example, when you start thinking... WHY? WHY? WHY? What can you tell yourself that would be comforting to you.... Don't give in to the negative thinking...FIGHT IT!!!

Okay, I am taking a deep breath now. I have already lost H, you are right. And my whining will certainly not bring him back.

H always thought I was controlling our finances, b/c I was managing a 529 plan for the kid and our retirement fund, but H never took any initiatives in those areas and I was better at it. Besides, I always showed him the statements to let him know what I was doing. But he always complained we are putting too much into those investments and he did not have any freedom to spend. So, if I become firm with him in terms of money by getting the legal assistance, I am very sure that will be a big turnoff to him again. But H moved out, so I have to do what I have to do right.

Okay, another deep breath.

Thanks Mimi.

I sent H an email just to say "how are things at work?". Maybe I shouldn't, but I haven't spoken to him and since I am not sending him those emotional emails anymore, I thought just to drop him a line is okay, especially if I want to let him know that I still care.

Then he replied saying things are okay and asked how we are doing, so I said okay and how our son is doing.

Then he send me another email "I miss him so much. Can I tonight?"

I replied "We should establish certain schedule and provide some predictability in his life. You can have him every other week on Sundays instead so that you can drop him off directly on Monday morning at his daycare. The transision may help him". Basically, I want to minimize my son's pains and agony he has to go through every time H drops him off at my house.

Did I do okay in my reply?

MS -

Did you do ok? Yes and no. You did ok on the first e-mail, except for the fact that you probably shouldn't have sent one at all. See, you are concerned with making sure he knows you care. But that's not your problem at this point. That's what the 180 is all about. You actually WANT him to worry that, hmm, maybe you're starting to get over him and move on. As long as you are initiating contact, even just to ask how work is, he knows you are still hanging on the line for him. So all the things he's said about needing to be free and such are still valid to him. It's easy to say that stuff as long as he knows that you are still there for him.

The real test comes when he thinks you might be moving on. When he starts actually getting what he says he wants. How can he miss you, and realize how wrong he was and that he wants you back, if you're never really gone in the first place?

There's no guarantee he'll turn around and want you back. But he says he wants freedom. Right now, he has convinced himself that's why he's doing this, regardless of the real reasons (which I still highly suspect involves an affair.) So he's going to continue on that path unless something convinces him that the freedom he's looking for isn't all it's cracked up to be. And unfortunately, usually the only way they have a chance of figuring that out is for the BS to start moving on.

As far as the answer about your DS - again, half ok. You are right on insisting about setting a certain schedule, needing predictability. But.... you are dealing with a man who has said he feels you are controlling. So just dictating a schedule to him is unlikely to be very successful. He'll just see it as you using the opportunity to control the situation again. This is where there is going to have to be some give and take. If you were going to try and make this the arrangement, you should have told him that it's what you think would work best, and ask him what he thinks.

Of course, that could backfire too. Depending on what kind of state he's in, he could be ready to reject anything you suggest out of hand just because you're the one who suggested it. If so, the best bet may be to let him suggest something first, and then compromise back and forth until you get an arrangement you are happy with.

The other stuff you are dealing with, about the house and such - I agree with the previous poster who said to get that info from an attorney. Every state is different in how separation and divorce is handled. The lawyer may also be able to give you a better idea of where you stand with the house, and what some good options are for you.

Remember too, that if you sell the house outright, without putting the equity into another home purchase, there may be some tax implications.

There are other things to consider too. Are you sure your WH is not running up debts right now? If so, you could be liable for those debts too in a divorce. This is why it is so important to talk to a lawyer right away. Right now, this isn't the man you loved (who you even admitted may not even exist), right now he is an enemy of your family and your marriage. You need to act to protect yourself and your son from him. Think of it this way - you are trying to protect the assets of your marriage so that they are still there if he wakes up and still wants the marriage.

Also, are you sure about not being able to afford the house? The way the housing market is today, you might be surprised - it could be cheaper to keep the house than to pay rent. If I were you, I would sit down with my finances, figure out what I could afford on my salary alone, and start budgeting for that.

I can tell you what I did in my situation, but I don't know your WH, so I have no idea if something similar would work for you. In my case, I had been paying for almost everything, including the mortgage. By the end of our marriage, XH was paying less than I would have gotten from a roommate, plus I was buying most of the groceries for both of us.

After talking with my lawyer, what I determined was this:

1. I would end up paying more in rent, and getting smaller space, than I was paying for my motgage.

2. I kept all my receipts, papers and such, and wouldn't have had too much trouble showing that I paid for the majority of everything.

3. He had a number of bills (mainly credit card debt) that were in his name only and that I knew nothing about. Since they obviously weren't used for items being brought into the home, my lawyer said I wouldn't have too much trouble proving that those debts were run up conducting his affairs, and I would not be responsible for them.

4. We also had a fair amount of debt that was in either both our names or in my name only, mostly the latter. But my laywer said it would also be pretty easy to show that that debt had been run up by both of us, would be considered debt supporting the marriage, and we would both be responsible, even though the majority was in my name only.

5. Given the facts I stated above about the debt, his share of any of the equity in the house would probably have been more than equaled out by the debt. Even if it hadn't been, his share would have been fairly small, and if he'd had to hire a lawyer to fight me on it (which he would have), he would have ended up spending more money on the lawyer than he would have gotten back from me from equity.

Given all that, I was able to convince XH that the easiest thing to do was to let me keep both the house and the joint debt, and for him to keep the debt in his name. Even with all of that, he did balk a little when it came time for him to sign the quitclaim deed. I got lucky there, because he was having trouble making ends meet with having to actually pay for a place to live (which I had been doing for him our whole marriage) and the debt that he had run up behind my back. He used his work credit card for some personal use because he had used up all the credit he had. Well, that's a big no-no, he could have lost his job over it. His workplace found out, and he needed to pay back the money immediately to keep from losing his job. Because of that, he wanted to take out a loan on his Thrift Savings plan (which is like a 401k for federal employees.) Since we were still married, however, he needed my signature too before he could get the loan. I used that. Told him I would sign the loan papers (which only said I agreed to let him get the loan, but did not make me in any way responsible for paying the money back) as soon as he signed the quitclaim deed. He was very bitter about it when the time came, but he did sign.

Things worked out very much to my benefit as we were going through this process. They may not be as easy for you, but I thought I would tell you that to give you an idea of things you can look for to help you out.

And if all that seems a little hard-hearted, just remember you are now talking about dealing with the person bent on destroying your marriage. He does not have your welfare in mind, so you have to be the one to protect you and your son.

Thanks Osxgilr. I could not reply yesterday - a lot was going on. We had a baby shower in the morning and then I took my son to the beach with my neighbors and her friend. It was fun for my son, I had okay time (the beach was beautiful and looking at my son having fun was nice), but seeing him wanting his father killed me.

Anyway, your inputs are very helpful. I know, I actually have done research on apartment in February but if I try to look for someplace very convenient to a train station, better train schedule, etc., the rent would be just as high and yet the size would be 1/6 or something.

So, for me financially for the time being, the best is to refinance (b/c right now I have a 15-yr fixed), then I can easily afford the house on my own.

By the way, here is his reply to my email on Fri, which I just got (since I did not get it before I left my office).

"I would like to see him more often than just one day every two weeks. I don't think that he sees his daddy more often than that is actually going to hurt him so I am confused. It actually is better for him. I need to see him more"

And H left me a message yesterday while we were out saying that he would come pick our son up this morning at 10AM. Obviously, he is not agreeing with my suggested schedule.

I understand your point of him thinking I have been controlling, etc., that is so true, but at the same time I am getting so tired. It's been 8 months. I know he won't pay for the mortgage yet will fight for more money.

I almost want H to just come up with his terms so that we can start the D talk.

I am really tired. I feel like I can't fight anymore. H is not going to come back anyway, so sometimes I feel like I am being a fool being so careful as to what to say, etc.

I wanted to go to a church this morning to the "divorce recovery" group meeting but my son is still a sleep and I know he will be so upset if I drop him off at my neighbor's when he is this tired. I could ask H to come earlier, but would it be again considered "controlling"? I don't know and again I am tired. I cannot do things I want to do. I always have to wait and think "wait, is this accodring to my plan? Which plan anyway? H is not coming back!!!"

What do you think? It's 7AM and I need H to come here in an hour if I decide to go to the meeting at 8:30AM. But I should not be asking anything from him right now? When H comes this morning, I know he will bring up the subject of his visitation schedule. He might be very upset. How do I act? But he is not coming back so what is the point of being so nice? He does not see that anyway!

I came back from church with my son. H should be here in a minute. I will try to be pleasant and but not talk about out relationship. I will only ask H to make sure our son gets his nap, drink a lot, etc., but will leave it that. I think H will bring up the subject of seeing our son more often. To that, I am thinking to say "okay, we can talk about it. Why don't you think about what you think makes sense for Luca and works out the best for us. I will think about that too and we can discuss it."

What do you think?

H came by but since our son is still sleeping, he said he would just go for shopping and come back.

When he got here he asked me "can I ask you a favor? Last time DS2 threw up (for those don't remember, last Sat when H dropped DS2 off, the kid threw up b/c of the heat stroke), I didn't have a chance to clean up (yeah, right, it has been 8 days!!!). Can I borrow yours and I will drop it off at his daycare tomorrow so that you can pick it up? And in the mean time, can I throw this (the car seat cover) in your washing machine?" So what, I am supposed to clean what he did not for over a week? No way.

So I told him "you had a whole week. Why don't you just wipe that off for now and once you get home wash it. I don't want to take the car seat out from my car. It's too much hassle". And I just gave him papertowel to clean the surface for now. And he said "can I come in to clean that? It's so hot and I don't want to sweat". So he came in the foyer and cleaned the cover. Then he came in to just see DS2's face and kissed him "he is so handsome". Then while I was in the kitchen, without a word, he just left. He did not even throw away the garbage (the dirty paper towel he used) and left it at the entrance. Typicaly H.

I know this is a very wrong thinking, but I wish I had someone now. Then I don't have to feel so bad for DS2 b/c he has a male figure at home. Yesterday when we went to the beach, he sees other kids playing with their fathers and DS2 looked sad and asked me "where is my daddy?". Also, to one of the kids, he said "my daddy is coming soon too". That was too sad and heatbreaking thing to hear. Only if I already had someone!! Someone who can toss DS2 up in the air like other fathers were doing to their kids and who can build a sand castle with him and who can teach him how to swim, etc.

I want my old H back, but if that does not happen, then I do not want H back anymore. But for the sake of having a male figure in DS2's life, I really want someone whom I can trust (can I ever??) and someone who will love my son dearly from the bottom of his heart.

If H brings up the scheduling issue, if I tell him "okay, why don't you come up with your terms then? (since I already gave him mine)", would it be bad? But should I care? H doesn't care and no matter what I do, H does not care. I really feel like I am only wasting my time, money, energy, and emotions on something that is not fixable. I just want a happy family again. I do not have any energy left to fight.

I am meeting with a new lawyer next Tuesday, but doubt he will say anything I can do to protect me and my son right now, other than filing a Quit Deed form. Which I don't think H will agree anyway, I feel like it is going to be another wasted meeting. I have a session scheduled with Steve Harley on Tuesday as well, but am thinking "why waste my money on that again? Nothing is going to change anyway. H will not respond. He will not change. Why bother? Instead of spending on something H will not appreciate, I should be spending that on my son's weekly daycare cost."

I am in the negative thinking cycle, yes, maybe. But I am tired. Really tired. I can change 180 degree, H will still not care. I can be so sure of it. He is weak, sneaky, and always seeking for easy way out. If I die, H may be happy b/c then he will have my son and money. Perfect. He even said to me once about a month ago (b/c a while ago I said I rather die if I lose him, but when this comment was made I was not saying anything about that at all. I was very calm and talking about our relationship) "do you want to kill yourself? Kill yourself! Commit a suicide".

Praying hasn't helped so far either...!!!

Okay, H came back. I overheard him talking to my neighbor (the one who is also a single mother and went on a trip with us recently. We went to the beach together yesterday as well), and saying "yeah, we have a park nearby,a swimig pool, etc. but I have a lot of toys and will stay in today with DS2". H knows exactly what my neighbor went through a year ago with her WXH, and he was quite upset at WXH. H was also sympathic about it saying "we should invite her for dinners b/c we could have been in their shoes too". Then now a year later, H is having a casual talk with her about H's apartment?? No shame? No sense of guilt? Obviously NOT!!

DS2 was still a sleep but I picked him up and took him to the door. By then he woke up and smiled "Papa!" and extended his little arms towards H. H really does not deserve DS2's innocent and pure love!! I asked H to make sure DS2 gets enough rest and he said he would just stay inside today b/c it's just too hot outside. Even though H denied it was his fault that DS2 got sick last week, but I guess he felt a bit bad and did not want to repeat the same mistake by taking DS2 to the pool when it is over 90 degree. So I guess that was good.

No talk about the visitation. Why H keeps saying we need to "talk" about D whenever H is upset, but yet never really takes any kind of initiatives towards it? Why doesn't he come up with his own terms? H claims I am dragging the whole thing, but he is too! Even when it comes to D, H is so lazy that he might be waiting for ME to do something about it and make it easy for him. What does he want in his life?? He is so irresponsible and unrealistic!

It's me talking to myself again. Somehow today has been very hard and felt very long. I just need to vent before going to bed.

I think my feelings towards H are getting tougher most of the time now. I can now believe that H is gone and we may never be together again. I'm sure it's the same for everyone here, but I just could not believe H would be okay without me and could not picture us not being together for a long time. After all, H packed his bag to come all the way to Japan to live there even though he did not know a word of Japanese, only to be with me 15 years ago! H always said nice things about me to his family and friends. H always told DS2 ever since he was an infant that "I hope you are going to be as lucky as I am and will find a good wife like I did". Of course now H says that he was "pretending" b/c he never had courage to face up the reality (= he did not love me anymore). When those words come out of your spouse when he is not even asked to say any of them, though, it is hard to believe all of those words were just lies.

Anyway, my goal here is not to be nostalgic and emotional. I am saying, despite all of these sweet memories, after 8 months of mess including H's living away for 2 1/2 months has finally put in some reality in my head. I could FEEL that H's love for me is gone. H said on several occasions that he would still like us to remain friends, if that is okay with me. So I can reasonably believe that he does not necessarily want to burn the bridge entirely, but that might be simply due to the fact that we have a son together. Still, maybe I am coming to accept the idea of "I really have lost my H and our marriage is over, yes this is actually happening to ME".

Then why am I having such a tough time today?

I think it's b/c I just cannot seem to get over the guilt I feel for my son. Whenever I go to my in-laws, I feel that my mother-in-law treats her own grandson (her own daughter's son) differently from my son (H is her step son). I feel bad for DS2, b/c now he sees his counsin (they are same age) who gets more attention and love from his grandma (I don't mean that she is doing this on purpose. When she is being careless, she ends up treating two boys differently accidentally), and not only that, his cousin has his daddy too.

What the hell did my son do to deserve this sort of 2nd class treatment (okay, I am a bit exaggerating here but that is how I feel when I am upset) from his grandma and the abandonment by his own father?

It's just not fair. DS2 is only 2 yet already standing at a disadvantageous starting line. No father, no family on my side in this country and the only grandma he has nearby favors his cousin. I know life is not fair, but DS2 did not do anything to deserve this!!!

So I have been crying for the whole afternoon. I am really sad for my son. That is 100 times worse than feeling sad for myself.

DS2 is at H's apartment tonight. I hope he is having a good time. I hope he FEELS that there are people OTHER THAN me who care about him. I hope he will not grow up with a very low self-esteem b/c of the abandonment by his father. H has an extremely low self-esteem, so I am VERY worried about my son's future. I am praying every day that DS2 will become a strong person and will not get into drugs or any sorts of self-destructive activities. And I know I have to be strong to minimize the phycological damage and protect him.

I am venting here mainly tonight... I am just feeling very lonely, sad, and guilty (for DS2), and missing him so much. Thanks for listening.

H's birthday is coming up soon. Should I just ignore it?

It is best for your son to for you to focus on taking care of yourself rignt now.

Work on your own depression.

Remember you only have control over yourself. NO ONE ELSE!!

I called a doctor to make an appointment - I may need to get on AD, even though I hate the thought of it!! Hopefully she has some availability soon. I have St. John's Wort with me, which I have taken only a few times before (I know, I know, a few times will not help - I was scared of becoming dependent on the pills). Did anyone ever take St. John's?

H left me a message this morning while I was on the other line at work. It was about DS2 and I called him back, but then someone came into his office so he had to go. Then he called me back, but I missed it. He left me a rather long message about how H and DS2 spent time together yesterday, what he ate, the new toy H bought for him, that they went to visit H's parents, H gave DS2 a bath, and that they watched Ice Age together.

I could tell H really missed DS2 and enjoyed his company yesterday. H said that he wants to have DS2 again tonight when I initially called him back, but then H had to hang up and there was no mentioning on that in his message, so I decided to let go (b/c I do not want H to think he can take DS2 anytime H misses him). When I asked Steve Harley about H's wanting to spend more time with DS2, SH suggested that we should provide some kind of schedule and predictability in DS2's life, but instead of saying "no" to my H, SH said I should fill up my schedule so I can simply say we are booked.

By the way, I have SH's appointment tomorrow, which I am still debating whether I should do or not, b/c I do not want to have an imaginary carrot hanging in front of me and keep running. Hope is good, but can be very cruel. Don't you think?

After hearing H's voice mail, I felt a bit better b/c obviously H misses DS2 and he was not spending time with some another woman last night. The fact he mentioned he wanted to have DS2 again tonight (even though that is not going to happen) indicates H does not have any plan for tonight - at least not yet. H wanted to have DS2 last Friday as well, so that means he most likely did not have any dates that night either.

It does not mean anything and I know it is not healthy for me to keep thinking what is up to H, but I have to admit that all of these signs that at least it does not seem H is in any serious relationship with another woman right now anable me to function for now.

Well I need ADs or something so that even w/o these signs, I may be able to function. But are ADs really that powerful? How did you all cope with your depression and fear? ADs and counseling and your faith?

Milk:

ADs are safe and not addictive. Definitely go to your physician and get a prescription. You do have symtoms indicative of DEPRESSION.

Read over your post and notice that you are focusing in on analyzing your H's actions.

For example:

So what if he says he missed him, MILK? Didn't you hear us tell you that your H is manipulative?

I think you should do exactly what SH said to do. Why didn't you?

You say:


What do YOU want, MILK?

YOU HAVE THE ANSWERS. The needed step is for you to act on the solutions....

Mimi, I really want to believe that I have the answers. I feel like I have been talking to a brick wall and I have been told by many of you and my family and friends that I should take care of myself and move on. But it is so hard that trying that for 10 hours even seems impossible.

I WANT H to come back and have a happy family. I DO desperately WANT to believe that there is still something I can do to make changes and bring H back. SH told me "MILK, you have time. Even if H files for a divorce, you guys have not been separated for long enough and you can use that against it". But am I just foolishly delaying the death sentence but not really avoiding the death itself? I am scared to hear what SH has to say b/c if he tells me "I think it's time for you to move on", then I know I will be devastated. Then again if SH tells me "keep working on it", then I get hope, but then when I see/hear H being so enthusiastic about his future w/o me, I feel I am betrayed by my own hope and God.


Mimi, you told me that your FWH was being responsible financially while you were being separated and you DID have an attorney, but my understanding is that your FWH contacted his lawyer first and you HAD TO have one too right? Then your FWH probably did not think you hired an attorney b/c you are calculating or wanting a divorce. In my case, if I take any legal steps so that H will be financially responsible, that would be considered by H FOR SURE that all what I care is myself and money.

I changed a lock back in June, b/c by then H was gone for a month and a half and I did not want H to come in anytime he wanted. That itself really made H angry. He said "you are weird and so typical Japanese. You said you want me back, but then changed the lock behind my back." This is how his mind works.

Don't you think I should at least warn H that if H does not pay more to support me and DS2 that I would have to turn into a lawyer? So that H MAY feel that I needed to do that, as supposed to "oh, my W is now READY to fight all the way in the court, after all, she just wants money! This is why I would NEVER want her back!"?

I really do not know how to implement the "taking an initiative in hiring a lawyer to punish H (in his mind)" tactics while continuing to give H an impression that I am still open if H wants to come back.

Do not misunderstand me, I will do what I have to do, and will go see one tomorrow. But I just do not see any hope anymore once I start talking to H through my lawyer or start giving him any type of legal papers.

MILK:

All I can say to you is to go back and read over the posts that I have already made to you. I have given you the best advice that I have.

If you can't or won't listen to Steve Harley, there is certainly nothing that I can do to help you.

My FWH and I used the same lawyer. I didn't care what my H thought about what I asked for. As I told you before, at that time, I was focusing on taking care of myself and our child. All he cared about at the time was taking care of himself and the OW. I accepted that at the time and was ready to move on if I had to. I don't know how you got the impression he had his own attorney but that does not really matter.

I just can't see what I can do or say to help you until you want to help yourself.

Sorry.....