Oops - I said that last line in my last post incorrectly. There was one other thing that should have been in it. The line should read:

CALM DOWN! Have a plan. Stick to the plan. Work on you. And don't smother him.

MS -

Even though I am a little over a year past the final divorce, and have come a long ways in dealing with everything, lately I've felt as though I am stuck. I just keep dwelling on the questions of why my WH did so many of the things he did, why he acted the way he did, how he could be as cruel as he often was, etc.

Because of that, I went to Borders the other day, looking for something that might help. I picked up a book that I have just begun reading.

Let me make that very clear - I am currently on about page 21. I don't know how good the book as a whole will be. But a few of the things I've read in just those first few pages make me think this is going to be a very helpful book. And what I've read in those pages also made me think of you.

From the title of this book, you would think it is only a divorce recovery book. But that does not appear to be the case. It is on how to deal with it when you hear "I don't love you anymore" from your spouse, whether or not you are able to reconcile the marriage.

Already in the beginning of this first chapter, I see the author talking about situations that are very much like yours.

The book is by a clinical psychologist, but it is definitely faith-based. Whether or not you are a Christian, though, I think this book could provide some helpful insights. At least, I think so based on what I've read so far.

The book is called "Love Lost: Living Beyond a Broken Marriage," and it is by Dr. David B. Hawkins. The ISBN number is 0-8007-5926-5

I'm hoping the book will help me. But I think there's a good chance it might be a good one for you as well.

OSXgirl. You are amazing! No therapists could have really understood my feelings and behavior patterns nor explained why I should be doing what you are suggesting step by step like you did. I mean, I understood that in my head, but again, my thinking and emotions are so far apart that I could not tie them together, resulting in my schizophrenic behaviors. And thank you for sharing your story. You are one strong lady. Your XH certainly made the biggest mistake of not making the committment needed to keep you as his wife. No wonder he wanted you back.

Obviously I do not have the strength right now or won't in the near future to tell my H not to return for one year. But I would remember your story and every time I feel vulnerable I will try to remind myself to be strong.

wow oxgirl...i got your point too

We cross posted!

I missed my train - I am still here at work.

I will go to a book store maybe tomorrow to find the book you are talking about. Thanks OSXgirl.

Understanding the situation in my head is very different from my emotions denying the fact and trying to remember good old days and say "this can't be happening, please wake me up from a nightmare".

I don't know how you survived OSXgirl. When your XH was asking (and crying!) that he wanted to come home, how were you able to stick to your plan? I think I remember your saying that your family is not in the same state either. Didn't you feel extremely alone? How did you fight? Did you think "what am I doing here all by myself?".

I am reading a lot of faith based books. Sometimes they help and I feel I can survive, but often I feel I am still lost.

You said it has been a year since your final divorce filing, so I am assuming there were many more months prior to that when you were going through agony. I can't imagine continuing to suffer like this for another year or longer.

I will definitely check out the book. Anything that might help me go through this, I will grab! Thanks again OSXgirl.

milkshake,
let me know about the book!
good luck with counseling.

just found PLAN A TIPS posted by ARK

this is what you and i have been looking for!!

(even talks about cards)

i'm cut/pasting the ideas to print out!

let me know what you think

and STALL that divorce milk!!!

Thanks Eav, yes I just read ARK's Plan A tips. Great stuff. REALLY GREAT.

I have done everything wrong till recently - being depressed and always talked about relationships. After I start posting here, although I think I started to cut back on those "love" talk, but I have a lot to learn still.

I am glad actually when I spoke with H yesterday that I talked about what DS2 and I did during the weekend. I used to feel bad telling him fun stuff b/c I thought he might feel I am OKAY without him, so never told him about fun things DS2 and I did. But yesterday when I told him that DS2 enjoyed the rides and baseball game I took him to over the weekend, H seemed to like hearing my story about our son.

The counseling was okay, I guess I had a much higher expectation. Maybe it's because it was the first time with her and I had to tell her all of my stories (AGAIN!!) and did not have much time to get a lot of her feedback. But she gave me some assignment to do, and I am meeting with her again this afternoon with DS2. I need to write down reasons I want to be married to H and reasons I may not want to be married to H. Basically what I like about him and our relationship and what I don't like about them. The sad part is that she sais "it does not sound like H is coming back, MILK, so let's make plans so that you would feel you will be okay alone. Then IF H comes back, you will be happy. IF H does not come back, you will still be happy".

Anyway I will try to maintain positive attitude, be pleasant when I speak to H and avoid relationship talk, continue to try to have fun with my friends and with DS2, try to focus on my work, etc. That is all I can do for now.

Then like OSXgirl suggested, once I feel stronger and happier with myself, I can even send cards/letters to H. I will try to be a happy & beautiful & fun "WELCOME HOME!" mat. This won't hurt me in the end anyway, right - hopefully it will be H who gets to appreciate such mat, but if he really does not see any value in the mat, at least my son can enjoy it and eventually someone else may like to have such mat in front of the house.

MilK:

Sounds like to me that the counselor gave you excellent feedback/assignment..



Are you saying she's just OK because she didn't say what you want to hear?

She would not be helping you if she did not tell you how she sees things based on your "stories"....

She could have just listened to you in this initial session without giving you feedback and work to do...

Sounds like an excellent therapist to me...

Remember: WORK, PROBLEM-SOLVE without staying stuck in your thoughts and feelings?

MS, to answer a few of your questions there....

I do think, number one above anything else, what got me through all of it was God. My faith stood in a lot for my strength. And my church family out here stood in a lot for my family back home.

To back up a little, I should have made this clear - when I made the decision about not letting him come home for a year, I don't really think it was my idea. He left on a Wednesday. A friend of mine at church, who was my main support and the one I confided in after DDay, asked me to meet her for lunch on Thursday. Right up to the point where I was in the restaurant, walking up to the table where she was waiting for me, I hadn't been thinking about anything in particular. My mind was just that buzz of random thoughts and pain that I'm sure you know all too well. I had been acting on a sort of remote control. I HAD changed the lock on the house, and took out what little money was in our joint account so he couldn't get to it, but those things were pretty much automatic, because I have heard the list of things you should do in a situation like that.

But beyond all that, I hadn't really been able to think at all, let alone come up with a specific coherant thought. As I walked up to the table and saw my friend, at thought popped into my mind, and after she said hi, that was the thought that immediately popped out of my mouth. I didn't even say hi back (I don't think - a lot of it is a blur now.) I just said "I've made a decision. When he calls wanting to come back, I'm going to tell him he can't come home for a year. That I'm willing to work on things and go to counseling, but he can't come home for a year. And he can't live with her either."

My friend's mouth dropped open. This friend is our women's ministry leader, and the wife of one of our elders. She has done a lot of counseling in situations very similar to mine. And I really surprised her with that one. She asked when I decided that, and I told her that I'd decided it right then, that the thought had just popped into my mind. She thought putting such a boundary in place was a great idea - though she did soften it a bit saying I could always shorten that if he showed he was straigtening up.

I believed then, and still do, that I had some help on that one. I've never been one to think I literally hear the Holy Spirit talking to me - still don't. I've always thought He gives more gentle nudges than anything else. And it isn't like I heard a voice telling me to do that. It was just that the idea popped into my head. I just think it had some help getting there.

Once I realized that, that I was getting some help, I decided I needed to promise myself that I would stick to that no matter what he said. I said this exact phrase to myself over and over for the rest of that day "I'm willing to work on things, but you can't come home for a year." I did that, because I didn't want to have to think, I just wanted it to pop out of my mouth automatically. And something told me it was urgent, that I needed to prepare immediately. He called the next day (Friday) at lunchtime.

And I had additional help. For one thing, all my friends at church. I only told about 3 the whole story of what was going on. One of those was my friend's husband, who is one of our elder's. He completely approved of the one year thing, though a little surprised that I had come up with that and done all the other things to protect myself so quickly. He basically said he couldn't be prouder of me than if I were his own daughter, and I was handling it exactly how he would tell his own daughter to handle it. Coming from him, that meant a lot to me.

Another thing - when I called my parents that Wednesday night after I found out he'd walked out, the first thing my mother said was that they were coming out. They couldn't leave until after she got off work on Friday, but they were leaving as soon as she got off work, and driving all night. I knew they would be in early Saturday morning. I wasn't at the mad stage yet - still too busy being hurt. But they were extremely angry with him. They had never really liked or trusted him anyway. And they were going to be at the house all weekend. It would have been a MAJOR mistake for him to show up there while my parents were in town. So that helped carry me through the weekend when I was weakest.

By the time Monday rolled around, it was obvious that his threats of suicide and his crying and such had just been more emotional manipulation, which made me mad, and that carried me through after that.

I didn't get much of a chance to feel alone. The church family pulled around me and helped keep me busy. My mom called me every night. My sister and sister-in-law both called every couple of nights. And all of the people involved kept reminding me of all he had pulled on me over the years. And I had the cats. Bambi, who was always my cat, but who wasn't always the most affectionate, suddenly became a physical attachment to me! I've said many times I was so grateful I did have the cats in the house, because I didn't have to come home to an empty house.

I kept myself very busy with church activities. I also met my (now) best friend at one of them. And I do think God had a hand in that - she's someone who is very quiet and backward. Sometime before he had walked out (but after DDay), I had gotten talked into going to a women's prayer breakfast at church, and when I got there, the people I usually hang out with were already at tables that were full. I sat at one right behind one of my friends where there were a few empty seats. And my now best-friend, who I didn't know at the time, was sitting there, trying not to be noticed or talked to. I spent the whole morning making a point of bringing her into the conversation, asking her questions, etc. After XH had walked out, I was crying all the time, and she saw me at church one day, upset like that, and came up and hugged me and told me if I needed to talk, I could talk to her. As I found out later, this was VERY out of character for her, and she really only did it because I had tried so hard to include her at that prayer breakfast. She's gotten me through a lot of this as well.

And finally - yes, I did, and still do, a lot of thinking about "why am I still out here all by myself." I had always said that if anything happened to XH (I didn't even consider that it might be a divorce that separated us) that I would move back to Indiana near my family. But in the end, what brought me out here has kept me out here - my job. It's kind of unique, something that I can't really find anywhere else. And I really love it. And my church family out here has been a factor too. I can't really imagine trying to find a new church, though I know I could if it were necessary. But I love the people, I love my job, and I do get back to see my family as much as I can. They've also started visiting me more - something they really didn't do while XH was around, because it just wasn't very comfortable.

Whew. That was a lot of writing! But I hope it can help you. I recommend strongly getting active in a church... but regardless, you need to build up a support net of people you can talk to and who can be there for you through this. And you need to keep busy. Even when you don't feel like doing anything, make yourself. Sitting and thinking about it only adds to the emotional ups and downs, and feeds the depression.

I also looked up agood friend of mine (and an ex-boyfriend) from college about a month into the separation. No, we didn't start going out or anything - he's also back in Indiana. But he ended up being my sounding board for a lot of things. In fact, I saved all of our e-mails, and they now provide me with a pretty good journal of all that happened, because a lot of what went on through all this did get fuzzy, and I understand that's pretty normal. But anytime I started feeling sorry for XH, I would re-read some of those and remind myself just how many times he got me to feel sorry for him, and how much he used that and deceived me. I didn't want to be fooled again, and reminding myself of those things helped with that a lot. Anyway, one of the things this old college friend asked me as I was going through all this was "What are all the things you've always wanted to do, but haven't? What are all the things you wanted to do, but couldn't because of XH?"

That question helped me a lot too. I answered it to myself, and started using that answer. My XH was very picky about foods, and I seldom ate a lot of the foods I really loved anymore because of it. I started going to restaurants I could never go to with him, and making food I couldn't make for him. I widened my pallate again.

I pulled out my crafts. It's still a bit of a struggle sometimes to make myself do them, but I find when I do, I really enjoy it. That was something I'd all but quit doing over the last few years of our marriage because I was so depressed.

And I've made long-term plans which I'm slowly working on little by little. Getting out of debt (which was impossible with him around). Changing things in the house and fixing it up (also something I couldn't get him to agree to). I'm trying to save up - I want to take my parents on a cruise to Alaska. It's something my mom and I both have wanted to do for years. So, I'm hoping to get enough time off and money saved up within the next few years to take them.

And a biggie.... within a few years, if I'm still alone, I want to adopt a child as a single parent. I know it will be tough, but I'm working towards that as well. One of the toughest things about all this, though also one of the things I'm most grateful for, is that we never had kids. Some of that was my fault - from the start I said I didn't want to have any. In more recent years, I had started changing my mind, but by then it was obvious that he wasn't really responsible enough, and that there were problems he refused to discuss with me, so I never brought up my change of heart.

Two days before he told me about the affair, he sent me an e-mail saying he had decided he really did want kids, and that it was very important to him, and what did I think about it. (Yes, an e-mail!!!) I e-mailed back saying that I thought we needed to talk, but that I had kind of decided the same thing, but hadn't brought it up because he never seemed to want that. We spent the next two days talking about how we could make it work with me working and all. He went ahead talking about this stuff with me, all the time evidently working himself up to telling me about the affair. He pretty much had to tell me - he was beating OW to it.

So, when I'm at an age where it's now or never for having kids, my XH gave me hope about having them, told me about the affair, then left me, childless, for a woman 7 years younger who already has a daughter and who is in prime child-bearing years. He left in January, we continued going to counseling until the end of April, and by October, long before the divorce was even filed, let alone final, OW was pregnant and he was announcing it proudly on a forum where mutual friends of our were, who knew only that he was now with OW instead of me, and who were assuming we had gotten divorced and he'd moved on (instead of the other way around!)

I think you can guess all that caused me a LOT of depression. Then I got mad. Said why do I have to let HIS actions affect whether or not I have kids? That's when I decided that once I get my life straightened back around and my debts paid off, I will start trying to adopt.

Whew. This HAS to be the longest post ever! Anyway, I hope all this shows you that you can do it - make your plans, work on yourself, and if your H comes around and is back in your life, great. But if not, you CAN have a great life anyway.

Thanks for your replies Mimi and OSXgirl. I am working on my assignment right now as DS2 is sleeping (I am working from home today). I will update you on the second meeting with her today. Mimi, I think one of the reasons I said I was not that happy with the new therapist is like you pointed out, because I did not hear what I wanted to hear, which is "you have a chance to restore your marriage". But the other reason is I thought she does a lot of IC with addicts and their families but she knew very little about SA. So I was quite honestly disappointed about that. She said it sounds like H is bipolor rather than being depressed. Which might be true, because that is how H's parents, sisters and his mom's doctor felt about his behaviors and if that is the case Prozac H is taking can make things a lot worse. And I did try to talk to his doctor (shrink) several times but his doctor is so hopeless and wouldn't even try to change medications. He kept saying "my patient says the medication is working so there is nothing I can do".

I got so mad and told him "what kind of doctor are you? So if your patient says 'I don't thihk I have a cancer, it's just a pain in my stomach' then you would believe him without x-raying or anything and say 'you are right, here is the medicine for your upset stomach'? It's your job to really figure out what he has. Ever since H started taking the medication, his personality has changed and he threatened his mom that he would kill himself so that she could let him move back home (which she did not do anyway), and also H thought I might poison H (!!!). It is very clear to everyone in the family he is not doing very well, and you are refusing to even try to put him on a different medication?"

Because I was so mad he promised he would follow up with him (because his doctor otherwise was not even following up with him and H kept getting the refills without seeing his doctor for months). But in the end the doctor didn't change anything - well actually he INCREAED the dosage. So I gave up. H's parents also asked him to change the doctor and the medication but H keeps saying "I know what I am doing and the doctor and the medication are working fine for me".

Anyway, that is what happened several months ago so it was interesting that my new therapist felt that H might be on a wrong medication, but again, she did not really say much about SA. I will ask her about that today. Maybe she knows about AA and other drug addiction but not SA.

And OSXgirl. I know talking about what has happened between your XH and you is not at all a fun thing to do and could depress you even today. Knowing that you shared your story with me means so much to me. THANK YOU. I hope I could do the same a year later to someone who needs my help.

You have come along a long way OSXgirl and what is it that is making you so strong? Your faith in God? I am trying to picture myself being in your shoe, and I honestly cannot imagine doing any of the things you did right after your loved one left. I force myself to get up, take care of my son and dog, drop DS2 off, go to work, go pick DS2 up, go home, feed the dog, brush the dog, cook, feed DS2, give him a bath, and go to bed.... The only reason I do them is because I HAVE to, but otherwise I don't have the strength to do any other 'optional' things. Going out for lunch with my friends itself requires A LOT of strength. There is NO WAY I could decide H cannot come home for a year and stick to the plan.

Like you said our situations are different but still the fact our loved ones left us for whatever reason remains the same. You were hurt and crying but from the very next day, started doing things, which really amazes me. I have been crying, crying, and crying... If I go to a store where we used to go together, that brings tears. If I see a TV show that we used to watch together, I cry. I see H's clothes still hanging in our closet and I sob.

Last night actually I went to H's apartment. No, listen, I didn't actually GO VISIT him. It's just that I have never been to his apartment and since I had to go pick up DS2 at my friend's house and I passed by his apartment complex, for the first time I drove in the parking lot. There are so many buildings but when I looked up the street sign, I knew I was in the right place. I drove around and found H's car. And right behind there was a building with H's new address on it. I started to cry and left. H is in one of those rooms. It was dark, and the whole area is crummy. I could not believe H is happy here alone, without his wife, son and dog in a clean comfortable house. Even if he is alone in this dark old place with a lot of beaten up looking cars outside, he is happier. That thought tortured me so much. But he loved me. He had everything. And I realized. No he didn't. I did not meet his ENs and he never had everything.

I know this is the vicous cycle Mimi. But after reading your post OSXgirl yesterday, and also after my session with the new therapist, I had to face the reality that H is gone. Maybe that's why I wanted to at least know what kind of place H lives now. Of course that didn't help in the end.

I have to keep reminding myself that H is gone but see OSXgirl, the difference between you and me is - I can't seem to accept the reality. H has been the only family member I had in this country over a dacade. So losing him means not only losing my husband but also losing my only family member. Yes now I have DS2, but it's different. I feel like my mom all of the sudden told me "I never told you but actually I am not your mom". That kind of shock is what I have been feeling.

But I promised I will try to keep the positive attitude. I will do anything to get stronger. I desperately want my H back, but like it was pointed out, if I am THAT desperate, it probably won't work out anyway. So I need to become more emotionally independent. I will try to have fun.

I'd better go - it's time to go see the therapist.

MS -

First - yes, I really do think it's God's help and my faith in Him that has helped me get through all this.

Being strong though... it may sound like it now, but believe me, I wasn't. Still am not in a lot of ways, though I am working on it. I managed to do most of that because I had friends and family constantly on my case about it. Asking me. I cannot understate how important some sort of support group is. Personally, I do believe a church family is the best, but try and find a group of people (other than on-line) who can help you.

And there are STILL days when I can't get things done. I've been in a bit of a slump over the last couple of weeks - the house is a mess, I have clothes all over the place that need to be folded and put away.... sigh.

And crying? Boy, can I tell you about crying. I have always been one who cries very easily, and it isn't pretty. Some can cry gracefully - not me. My face gets beet red, my eyes get swollen, it looks like I have hives on my upper lip and forehead. There is no hiding it when I've been upset. And at the beginning of this, I was lucky to go 10 minutes without crying sometimes. Everything I did, I did crying the whole way! I play keyboard in the band at church. This means I am up front and center (well, actually a little off to the side, but you know what I mean!) every Sunday. We have a moderately large church - about 400 or so on Sunday mornings - and we use cameras and project the service up on the overhead screen. The guys on the cameras sometimes focus on one or more band members at times, and I've heard they do that to me on a regular basis. So, I would go up there and play, knowing they might decide to project me up on the screen, through all of this. And for the first several months after he left, I was unable to get through a song service without crying. I felt like I was on display for the whole congregation tosee my red, splotchy, crying face! But I played anyway.

All I can tell you is... after I'd had a few days to think about it, and a whole lot of support from family and friends, I did start getting kind of mad. Mad at his selfishness. Mad that he could make a vow to stay with me forever, no matter what, and then just decide he didn't want to anymore, and break that vow. And Mad that I wasted years of my life, during which I was miserable because I could tell there were problems which he refused to discuss with me, and he made our home life miserable a lot because of it. And I did all that, and remained faithful, only to find out that while I'd been trying to tough it out and work on the marriage, he'd been using me as his back-up plan while he looked for a replacement. That he could be so selfish as to waste all those years of my life, and then leave me alone while he ran off with someone else.

And once I got that mad, I decided he'd taken enough from me, and I wasn't going to let him take any more. I wasn't going to quit playing in the band because all the misery he caused me made me not want to be in front of people anymore. I wasn't going to let him and his selfishness take away any more time from me. I wasn't going to put up with him running off and having children with some other woman and leave me too old to have them and miserable about it. And I wasn't going to let him take away the life I'd spent so many years building up. I couldn't do anything about him leaving, but I could keep him from taking any more than he already had (and yes, that includes material possessions - I do believe God was with me on all that too though!)

The thing is, you can do this too. You can't keep yourself from being upset and grieving, and it would be a mistake to try to do so. You need to feel these feelings and work through them. But hard as it is, you DO have the strength in you to make a plan and live it! You just have to get up and go, even when it's the last thing in the world you want to do. Push yourself - when you're afraid, make yourself do it, just to overcome the fear.

Have you ever gone to a movie or restaurant alone? It's something small, but it can be very hard to do. When you do, you tend to feel as if the whole world is looking at you, saying what a loser you must be if you are there alone. But look at it this way - everyone has times when there isn't anyone else available to do something with. So who's the loser, the person who stays home because she doesn't want to go alone, or the one who goes anyway and enjoys herself?

You need to do things, and you need to do them for you. Not because you think it will help you attract him to come back, but because you shouldn't waste a day of the life you've been given, especially not on being immobilized because of his selfishness. Do it because you can - and you really can!

I am still at the point where, when I have set up something to do with someone else, I have numerous thoughts of cancelling and just sitting at home and sleeping. I have to fight myself not to cancel. And always, once I actually go and do the thing I'd been dreading, I have a great time, and wonder how I could ever have thought of cancelling it.

Believe me, I don't really think I've ever been what anyone else would consider a strong person. If I can find it in me, you can find it in you too!!!!

Thanks OSXgirl. I really understand how you felt about your EH being selfish to run off to a much younger woman to have kids with while leaving you too old to have them. I feel the same way about H on this issue. I wanted a simple thing. The second child. My son's sibling. I didn't ask for 10 children. And H freaked out. He wanted to enjoy his life and decided it is too much responsibility to handle.

Now, all of those WS's you read about here act in similar ways, so if it is all about their temporary selfish behaviors, it is someting. But when it comes to having kids, unfortunately, there is a biological clock involved. True, I have one, so I am grateful. But the point is that H can wait for another 10 years to "enjoy" his life avoiding responsibility if he wants to and can decide to have more kids with someone else. If he does not come back but I keep hanging in there, then I won't have H nor the second child. How unfair is it?? Yes, when it comes to the child issue, I get mad too.

I got mad about his selfishness so many times since the whole thing happened, of course. The funny thing is that when I was mad I felt quite strong. Well that makes sense. I felt that he was not worthy so I did not feel too bad and then naturally I felt I would be better off without him.

But for the most part, aside from the child issue, I feel guilty. H has always been selfish, but I have been selfish too in a different way. I set goals and tried to achieve them, whether H cared about them or not. I got irritated often because H was not very motivated. I thought my values were right and H's were a bit off - so yes I was selfish. And even though H was sneakly doing a lot of pot smoking and having emotional affairs behind my back, I did not know a lot of them and H kept telling me nice things. I took him for granted. That was my crime.

I cannot say I was trying to work on our issues (well since I didn't think we had such major issues) while we were together like you OSXgirl. So I get mad at H for his selfishness, irresponsibility, lying, laziness and his current actions/coldness (maybe that is a lot already!), and the fact I can miss out my child bearing opportunity as well because of him, but for other things I can't really get mad at him that much.

Thanks again for sharing. I have friends whom I can talk to about this. They are great. I am very grateful that they spend a great amount of time just to talk to me.

I went to the counselling session this afternoon with DS2. He got excited about the toys and crayons and wanted me to play with him (he would say 'don't talk Mama, play with me!'), so it was rather difficult to talk to the therapist. But we made another appointment for next week. It might help him, and if it does not, that is okay. At least I can get some tip from her (she is from a divorced family as well and assured me that DS2 will be okay. When she repeatedly told me that DS2 is going to be okay one way or the other, I cried. I keep hearing bad effects of divorce on kids and I truely believe divorce is one of the worst things that can happen in a child's life, so hearing the encouragement from her in a firm voice was incredible).

Then we went to my in-laws. They called me to invite us for dinner a couple of days ago. DS2 was worried that I would just go there to drop him off, so kept saying "I don't want to go" or "Mama is going there too", but soon realized that I was there with him and started enjoying his grandparents, aunts, and uncle. Ever since H left, for the most part DS2 is with me alone during the weekdays so he really appreciated that there are many adults. I could tell he felt very safe. I had a good time too and almost forgot that H and I are separated and about to file for divorce. I even helped my father-in-law with his computer. It is so strange that I was acting like their daughter-in-law still (well I am, but you know what I mean) while all of these crazy things are happening. Ever since H left, I have been over my in-laws' place three times more than H has. One time I even stayed over night with DS2. It's strange. But I felt good, because I felt safe too, even though it was sad I was not there with H.

Hopefully I can start posting a lot more positive things... well, though I am a realist and not going to have any unrealistic expectations. I will go through more ups and downs for sure but I hope I will learn how to handle them better. And I hope I can be happy again!

milk,
i was wondering how your session with your son went today. in my work with children who may get therapy, i've always though play therapy had it's good points but also left me wondering if enought time was spent on the issues. i'm glad that the therapist is able to help you feel more positive about how your son will handle things.

are you going to go ahead and file for divorce as opposed to a separation agreement? only 3 months apart seems like a short time to me but then again...i've been waiting forever and my husband and yours are very similar in thier desire to "move on" leaving us behind.

you sound better

does this mean you are also moving on orjust finding peace where you are?

Good question EAV. Of course I do not want to divorce. But I do not want to keep having unrealistic hope and getting disappointed. It's just not healthy for my mental health. And DS2 needs a stable mother.

So right now I am trying to find peace where I am. I want to be positive. But see, this is the difficult part. Often I can be very positive but it's because I get some hope about our marriage! So I need to learn how I can be positive even without any bright prospect on our marriage. I need to feel O.K., with or without H. How? I don't know, I am really trying every day, every hour, and every single second.

Since H mentioned about the mediator, I may wait and see if he would follow up. If he doesn't, then I may have to. I am like you, I don't want to file for anything, but I need to protect myself as well. Huge dilemma.

Trying not to think of our dying relationship every second is very very HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reading some of the divorce battling stories, I am now pretty depressed. It's just so sad. In H's eyes I am sure I look like the biggest bixxh and a brat. People would ask me why I want to be married to someone who views me that way..., b/c I want to believe H can remember the good days and the good side of me.... sigh.... Nothing is worse than being portraied like a monster by someone you love.

What happened to my 'positive' attitude???? Ah yes...

MS -

Have you had a chance to look for the book I recommended? The more I read, the more I think it really is a good book for you. Again, I really don't know what your views on God are, and this book is a faith-based book, but the underlying message is good whether or not you believe. It really does address the situation you are in, and talks about exactly some of the things you have said you feel and the way you have been reacting to all of this. And it explains a lot about why you feel that way, what you can expect in the months and years to come, and how to handle things.

I could be wrong - you may not find it helpful. But I think if you really read and try to follow what the authors are saying, it could help.

OSXgirl, yesterday I could not find it in the bookstore I went to. I will check out a different place today or tomorrow. I will let you know what I think. Thanks!

Last night my H called. I answered but he IGNORED me! He said "hi, DS2!" even though it was obviously me saying hello. So I said "hello" again, then H said in a very cold I-have-nothing-to-do-with-you voice, "I am calling for DS2". So I gave the phone to my son. I heard H asking "this is Papa, do you love me?" That was H's first word/question. Every time H calls now, he always ask DS2 if he loves his father. Hearing that makes me feel pretty sad.

After a short conversation with DS2, H seemed in a hurry or something and hung up. No bye to me or anything. Another thing I noticed is that H used to go see his counselor and other SA guys (the group counseling) every Thursday night. But H was calling from his apartment (I have a caller ID) during the time otherwise he should be in the counseling. I think my fear became true, H is not even doing the SA counseling anymore.

So he does not go to church nor counseling sessions anymore. H detached himself not only from me but from the real world where people feel bad about breaking up a family and where other people tell you what is right and wrong.

I was very sad after the phone call. We spent the past 15 years, FIFTEEN YEARS together, living in two different countries, going through SO MUCH together. And he does not even want to speak to me when he calls to speak to his own son? Is it THAT easy for MEN to forget people once they loved deeply? There are a lot of cases I can see here where wives left husbands, but I think in general, women with kids would get at least more emotional or end up having a bit more sense of guilt and as a consequence, end up returning to their families. Men are more likely to get busy with a new lifestyle and can really forget about their families.

I am just having a very sad morning.