Okay I read your thread Iashell. The length of our separation is the same - we have been separated for about 3 1/2 months. And if I sort of use my H's arrest as a D-day, then it was June of last year, similar to your H's D-day in May as well. But the difference is that your H has told you that he loves you (maybe not now, but till recently). H told me that he loves me FINALLY after not using the word for 5 months, in May right after he left, but then the very next day he told me
"I just used you emotionally. I was getting a panic attack and needed to talk to someone. After talking to you I was able to fall asleep. So I just used you. I am not coming back and what I said does not mean anything".

And ever since, he is sticking to his story: I don't love you, I am not interested in staying married to you, I want to move on with my life, you have to accept that, I only miss DS2 and want to be able to see him often, you are going to be okay so just move on, stop hanging in there, you are in denial, etc.

There are times when I feel I will be okay without H, but mostly I still have the desire to reconcile. It is for me, but also largely for DS2 as well. Or maybe it is more for DS2, I am not sure of it myself.

Also..., Chris you seem to object the idea of trying to make H jealous by implying I am dating (I am not!)...?
Yes, it is something you should NOT do.
Do what you say, say what you do. Don't imply (or lead on) that you are are doing things you are not.

Hello, I think you should NOT invite him to dinner b/c he is going to know that you still want him,
Uh, this is something (that you want the marriage) he should be told outright. You don't want him guessing/wondering if you want to save it or not.

I just received H's email responding to my email. I asked him earlier

"Would you like to spend the day with DS2 on Sunday?"

This is b/c last night H said he would like to see DS2 sometime before going to CA next weekend. Also it is b/c Sunday is H's birthday (he will be 37).

Usually H repond right away if it is about DS2, but this time it took him a good hour before replying. That is already strange. H said

"I would love to but there is a good chance I may have to go in to work on Sunday. Maybe I can pick him up Sunday afternoon before dinner - he can eat with me and we stay overnight and then I will drop him off at school Monday morning"

It's not even a month end, and I don't know why he has to go in to work on Sunday. Is he having an A? Maybe he would spend Sat night with her or something and that is why he won't be able to come pick up DS2 early on Sunday?

Should I offer "how about Saturday evening then?" to see if he would be busy on Saturday night? This sounds fishy. What do you think?

Is there any way I can use (if he is in A or at least trying to have A) this information to my benefit?

Yes he did say that he was falling in love with me again when we were together on Memorial Day but afterward he starting saying the exact same thing the he didn't love me, didn't want to be with me, wanted a divorce, wanted me to move on, etc. He then told me that after the first affair that our lives were a lie that he was just going through the motions and forcing it. I told him then to admit that he is involved with someone else so we can have closure and get on with our lives but of course he won't admit that.

hmm...sounds familiar. My XWH did/said all the same things. We've been separated and divorced for a year and a half and he still denies and lies.

The hilarious thing is that he did admit to me when we were still married that he was in love with OW, but then proceeded to deny that there was anything "wrong" with their "friendship"!

Your H won't admit it because then it would have to be dealt with and he couldn't go on the way things are now with OW, at least not nearly as easily.

When they are up and down like that with you - engaging then withdrawing, it's most likely because they are following the roller coaster that their affair is taking them on.

If he is in an affair, you won't get anywhere till it's exposed. This will continue until you can't take it anymore. Do everything you can to find out what's going on and expose it.

Thanks for your reply, you just gave me confirmation on what I was debating on doing. I am going to rent a car this weekend and follow him to see where he goes, I know he sees her every Sunday night and I have a general idea where she lives that way I will have solid proof, I just don't know whether I should confront him or wait until he calls and wants to talk because he can't avoid me and the kids forever. What do you think?

Do you think my asking H to pick up DS2 on Saturday instead to find out if my gut feeling (that H is going out Saturday night and may be sleeping over, and that is why he lied to me that he is working on Sunday and cannot pick up DS2 until Sunday evening) is right? Is there a point to do that? Because H has already told me that he is "looking for someone", then he would not feel guilty anyway, wouldn't he? Would it only make things worse for me, because I will be very upset? What do you think? I need to ask H if I do, today!!!

By the way H's sister called me last night. She asked
"what is going on with my brother?"
"why?"
"because I cannot get a hold of him"

She is the only sister (he has four sisters) who still talks to H on a regular basis.

Apparently, she left H a couple of messages but he has not returned her calls for a week or so. And because H's youngest sister just had a baby last Saturday, H's family thought at least he would go see her and the baby. H called her, but it seems like he has not visited them yet.

Even more red flag!!! So I told her what I think, not in details, but basically I told her I think H is having A. I got really furious as I spoke to her. She said "okay, let's not decide that he is having A though yet... but I know, he has to be responsible". She feels bad for me and our son but she is the only one who sympathize with H and that is why he only speaks to her. I told her "obviously, H's needs are the most important thing and if he puts his A ahead of his own son, what do you think, his sister's baby is not important to him. H is so selfish"

I was so mad. Later I felt a bit bad about how badly I talked about H so called her back. I apologized and also asked her not to mention any of this to H if she has a chance to talk to him. I asked her if H has called her back, and she said no.

So really it looks like H is busy having an A...., so maybe he is not going to CA for business either. Why would you travel during the weekend anyway??

Should I find out? How? Would it do any good to me?? Please help!

I understand how you feel, I am in the same situation. First of all he is telling you that he is looking for someone to ease some of his guilt. My husband did the same thing and mine is worst b/c he has not seen our 5 kids since July 19 (over 3 weeks) so I guess his A is all he is thinking about right now. I can't believe that he would put her before the kids. I was told to get all the info I can to have the A exposed b/c that will be the only way for it to fall apart. I did the same thing with his family b/c he won't come around or talk to them either, he has no idea that they know b/c I told them not to say anything to him but I am thinking that the only way to expose it is to go ahead and have them say something. I have nothing to lose but a lying, cheating, & selfish husband but he has everything to lose and what can he offer her then? Not even a dime after child support and alimony.

Thanks Iashell. Another thing I need to tell H is that DS2 is in counseling. I took him twice now, and his therapist said that H should know that his son is in counseling.

So here are a couple of things I was thinking:

In my email, I will say
(1) Would Saturday work better for you then? By the way, DS2 is in counseling and he has gone to see his therapist twice so far. I just wanted to let you know and if you have any questions, you can ask her directly. I did not bring her number with me today but I will give you the info later.

(2) Sunday evening is fine (I will not find out if H is indeed having a sleepover on Saturday night, but will just let go). By the way, DS2 is in counseling .... (same as above)

From the exposure stand point, I feel I need to find out, but at the same time, H told me flat out that he was anxious to meet someone very different from me after he left, so even if I find out there might be someone, I don't think H would feel bad. In fact, he may say "okay, so let's just hurry up the D process".

Maybe the only advantage is that if H thinks I know he has a lover now, H may not try too hard to fight over assets, custody, child support. This is only my guess so I could be completely wrong, but if he thinks he is leaving us for another woman and DS2 is in counseling, he may feel just a bit bad and won't be greedy. But that is if THAT really occurs. Otherwise finding out if H is in A or not may not do any good to me.

Anyone, any advice? Should I just let go and be nice when I meet him on Sunday and give him the present?

bump

Still looking for some advice.....

This is what I am going to say in my email -

"If you are busy on Sunday, would Saturday work better for you?

By the way, DS2 is in counseling and his therapist suggested that I let you know. I did not bring her number with me, but I will give you the info either this weekend or next week so that you can contact her if you have any questions."

What do you think? Does this sound pretty neutral and pleasant?

bump up

milk

it sounds good to me but i don't know anything reaaly so hang in here for some more advice.

although i did think he said sunday WAS okay for him-just in the evening and then he would keep her overnight-didn't he?

When H called on Wed night, he said that he would like to see DS2 before going to CA next weekend. My #1 concern right here is that H's going to CA during the weekend for business??? This does not make sense at all.

Then I sent him an email yesterday suggesting that H spend some time with DS2 on Sunday. Then he said he might have to go in to work on Sunday so he can pick DS2 up in the evening.

My #2 concern here. There is no way he needs to work on Sunday. I just know that. It is not even a month end. And if he is really busy, I know him - he would choose to work on Sat instead of Sun. So, since Sunday is H's birthday, my guess is that he is seeing someone and planning on meeting with her on Sat night and sleep over night at her place or to have her come stay at his place. And they want to spend time on Sunday morning, so he can't really pick DS2 up in the morning.

This is what I think. And the fact H hasn't even gone to see his baby sister's baby really makes me feel very suspicious that H is in the middle of A.

Just spoke to DS2's therapist (I found her business card in my purse). Ideally, she would like H to come see her to give her his input on DS2, but if I ask H, I fear that he may think it is a "catch" for him to engage in M counseling.

So is it just safe for me to give H her contact info and simply say "here is the number in case you have any questions", instead of saying that "she would like you to come talk about DS2"?

Thanks for your help in advance...

i would give him the number and tell him to contact her. let her suggest to him that he come.

and i would ask your husband if sat would bebetter for him than sunday. ex: would it be better for you to pick our son up on sat morning-spend the day together and then bring himback sunday before you go to work.

he'll probably say no but at least you'll have tried.

Thanks Eav. Actually I am almost sure that H would turn down my Sat proposal. My goal is to find out HOW he would excuse it... I think it will give me a better idea as to if H is having A.