Hi everyone. It’s been a while since I posted on the General Topics.

I thought I might get some input and ideas from everyone about what’s been going on. For the most part, things really haven’t been going to well. My plan is still to file for a divorce around the middle of this month. My wife now says outright that she doesn’t want a divorce. She doesn’t think that she did anything wrong when she went to the after-work party and had a private conversation with the OM. She said she got closure and that I should be happy for her and that we can now move forward.

She still denies a PA. Yet somehow, maybe through divine intervention, I have been diagnosed with genital warts. My wife says she has “no idea” where she got the disease from. Add to that, my wife also says she can’t and won’t guarantee that she will find another job. She claims I have nothing to worry about and that she will resent me if she has to find another job. Still, she’s adamant about not wanting a divorce, and has been extremely nice lately. Every night she has made it a point to tell me that she loves me, and that she will love me forever and that won’t change no matter what happens. That was until last night when I asked her if she checked on the job postings this week for her school district. She blew up and said that I wouldn’t leave her alone, that I was always bugging her about this and wouldn’t just get over it and move on. She said that maybe she should go file for divorce tomorrow. Of course it got ugly, and we yelled and screamed at each other, stuff we both regret saying no matter if we get a divorce or not.

While it is nice that she is finally pleasant to be around, I still can’t stay in a marriage where my wife will continue to work with the OM and doesn’t acknowledge the damage she has done by breaking the NC agreement we had.

I asked four things of her when I confronted her about the affair in January, she has to date failed in all four categories.

1. I expected her to tell me details of the affair. I wasn’t asking for sexual positions, but how did the affair work, where did they meet, how often did they have sex, etc . . .
2. No more lies, period!
3. No contact with the OM.
4. Transfer to another school, find a new job.
Another thing I have asked of her was that she speaks to SH, not surprisingly she has refused to do this.

While I still love my wife, I just don’t feel like I can ever trust her again. Truthfully, her behavior lately makes it harder to leave, but the recent diagnosis also makes it harder to stay.

I look forward to everyone’s input.

Sounds like a lying cake-eater to me.

Unacceptable crossing of all bounderies/conditions you set.

She protests too much about the job et. al.

She is really doing nothing to re-earn any trust.

I did not hear of any remorse etc.

Genital warts out of no where???? Oi vey Has she been checked for STD's. If she had genital warts...she could be at risk for cerival cancer...she needs to be monitored.

Plan B.

JMHO

Read Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson.

She's aware of the cervical cancer issue. As embarrassing as this is to admit, I'm actually "kind of an expert" on STD's and communicable diseases. So it's very disrespectful and embarrassing that she is trying to deny the PA. I contacted the OM's live-in girlfriend to inform her that they had contact and about the STD.

My wife tonight apologized for everything she has put me through, but said she couldn't apologize for the STD, because she hasn't had sex with anyone but me in her entire life. So she doesn't know how she got the disease.

She's cold, yet still remorseful. She's said she is sorry numerous times, but she still isn't willing to show that she is sorry.

I'm really at a loss. I plan on filing for divorce next week, but for some reason I still love this woman. I don't trust her, but I do love her. More importantly, I can't stand the thought of not seeing my daughter everyday!!

When you say Genital warts are you talking about HPV? I found out my wife was a carrier before she met me; unfortunately we didn't find out until AFTER she had sex with me (after telling me she was clean) I have not developed any warts; and as far as I've been educated by the doctor, the STD isn't like herpes where warts always appear - sometimes they never do like in my case.

Does HPV put men at risk for anything? I was really pissed when I found out she had it.

From what I understand, G Warts/HPV does not have many adverse effects for men. It is true that for many, if not most, warts will not appear. It's believed that HPV becomes dormant and non communicable after a long period of time. It may work itself out of your system, but there is no scientific evidence that is the case. Most docs will tell you that you most likely have it for life, but probably are not communicable after 2 or 3 years, unless another episode occurs, then you would go back to the 2 to 3 year situation.

In my case, my last sexual encounter with another woman was 15 years ago. So it is very doubtful that my wife's outbreak last september was from me. 75 percent of "outbreaks/episodes" occur from exposure within 3 months, within 6 months it goes up to about 85 %, most likely, if you are going to have an outbreak, it will happen in the first year (90 to 95 %). Still, a great many people will never have symptoms and might remain infectious for months to years after initial exposure. Unless you have a problem with your immune system, there is little evidence to support a recent episode being from an older exposure.

Ok, that was probably boring for most people. Hope that helps.

grove,

Your wife has not met your conditions, but you have seen some improvement in her behavior. You also still love her. I think that your plans for divorce are to hasty. Do a plan B first.

GTO, her behavior lately has been designed to keep you from leaving. She needs to keep you on the farm in order to take care of her. But if you leave, you mess up her good cakeeating thing. You are absolutely right to never trust her. She has no remorse about her affair, though, as you said earlier, and deeply resents that you would dare ask about it.

If it were me, I would move to Plan B. I am not quite sure how to effect that if she won't leave, though. Would she move out if you asked? I am concerned that if you leave it would be viewed as abandonment by any future court proceedings.

gto,
Sorry things are not working out for you.
How on earth can you WW deny a PA in the face of scientific evidence, like HPV?
I know where you are coming from because, that is exactly what happened to me. DDay was the day i returned home from doctor's with the same diagnosis as you.
Perhaps you should print out some literature on the subject of HPV so your WW can actually see how ridiculous her stonewalling you about PA really sounds.
If she is a teacher, she should be able to realize that she is trying to make a case here, that has about as much truth as "the world is actually flat."
Harley and a host of other renouned resources will all tell you, that unless the WS is truly repentant and willing to make all amends because of their betrayal, there is virtually no hope of recovering the M.
I do hope your wife will come around to this point of view, as anyone can tell you, you cannot do this alone. It will take a tremendous amount of work by both people to recoverer a M after infidelity. Even then, there is no gaurentee to the sucess of the R.
I do wish you all the best in your efforts. Perhaps plan B before the filing of D papers may snap her out of her denial? I will keep you in my prayers.
All Blessings,
Jerry

Sorry you are going through all of this. The old "closure" story gets old real fast.

Since she understands that word, I would explain (calm and lovingly), that you need closure too. And your closure involves her changing jobs, talking to SH, answering your questions about the affair, etc.

She blows up and gets angry with you in an attempt to make you stop asking for anything. That is when you need to remain very, very calm. Stay on topic - you need closure. Don't let her draw you into a shouting match. Just keep repeating the "need closure" thing.

It may take several "talks" to get through this. I would not even think about divorce right now.

Please check out mortarman's posts to Gramn. They are great. Read them until you can learn to talk calmly to your wife. I see a lot of hope in your situation, but we have to work on your delivery a bit.

Hi grove, Sorry for your troubles.

What comes to my mind is that maybe your W has a different definition of what having sex is? I don't know if warts are transmittable without actual intercourse, but it's an idea. That is not excuse for her behavior and attitude, but it could explain why she keeps insisting it wasn't a PA. Maybe she has herself convinced. You know, denial.

Also, I seem to remember hearing years ago that there are a lot of different strains of HPV and that not all of them are STD's. It might be worth doing some extra research about, especially if you don't have visible warts. (If I'm confused, and you do have warts, nevermind.)

Just a thought.

God bless,

Rose

Rose, hopefully she understands that sex is a physical act. If she doesn't, then she has more serious problems than can be addresssed here. But, I don't think for a minute that the issue is one of weird definitions, but one of honesty.

Melodylane -

I know what you're saying, and not to be graphic or anything, but the reason I thought of it was because I have a friend who really believed that since her OM didn't actually enter her, it wasn't "having sex."

Also, Bill Clinton comes to mind.

You're right, in any case. It still comes down to honesty, whether the person is only lying to her S, or also to herself.

God bless,

Rose

Thanks again everyone. My wife is a real cake-eater. She has been nicer lately, but that has some to do with my now having the STD.

She is going to her family for support about not leaving her job, and she is getting it. They are agreeing with her that I am being unreasonable and that maybe she should consider divorcing me.

Wife says she wants to stay, but can't guarantee she will quit job.

I walked in on a conversation between mother-law and wife. seems my wife's friend is still in contact with OM and told her (friend) that he still cares for my wife. My wife will not give up friend and denied what I heard her mother say. I want to know what my mother-in-law is thinking. Is she interested in finding out about the OM and maybe whether he would make a good son-in-law?

This sucks and I still can't see too many other options but divorce.

Wife will not call SH, or guarantee a job change. she's not leaving me much choice.

You know what I would do, grove? I would expose her at work and anywhere else you can. You have nothing to lose here. Your marriage can't go forward unless the affair is finally ended, so you might as well just go for it in a last ditch effort to see if you can end this affair. Wait until school starts, of course.

Does your MIL understand that your W had an affair with this guy and gave you an STD? She needs to know the full story. Does everyone know the full, correct story?

And p.s., it doesn't really mean a damn thing that her family thinks you are being "unreasonable" about her leaving her job, what matters is what is RIGHT for your marriage. And did your in-laws tell you with their own lips that you were "unreasonable" about this? And are they fully informed with all the facts?

I actually heard my mother-in-law tell my wife that I was being unreasonable and that she had already done a lot and that most people would have left me by now. They don't like the way I've continued to catch her in lies. They think I should just let her have a free pass and if she keeps lying and cheating, oh well. . . My in-laws are unaware of the STD. I have told them that she has had contact with the OM at an after-work social and they know about the friend calling the OM. In both cases they have sided with their daughter and said it was no big deal and that I needed to get over it.

I've thought about exposing the affair at her work/school. I'm not sure how to do that. I did walk in during her "party" and told her in a none threating manner that I was taking our daughter and leaving her since she was at the bar with the OM and that she broke the NC agreement. She was sitting with a couple friends at the time, so I know they are now aware of the situation. Of course they haven't heard the whole story.

I'm in a tough spot here. Wife and I spoke last night. She said that she just wants us to move on and that she wishes I would just get over it. She thinks it is unfair that I'm asking her to find another job. She also said she loves me, but she's just not in-love with me right now. She could be again, but my asking her to do unreasonable things are causing her to remain angry and upset with me.

Yikes, this just sucks. I thought I was resolved with the fact that I was getting a divorce, but it's just not that easy to do.

Instead of getting a divorce, write a nice letter to the school superintendent informing him of the affair. He will be forced to take some sort of action, such as transfer one of them. I think the biggest problem here is that there have never been any consequences for her actions so I am hoping that this shakes her up somewhat.

If it doesn't, then you are left with a wife who is committed to a path of lying and cheating and you will have some hard choices to make. But I would try to seperate them first and see if she comes to her senses after she has truly withdrawn from him after contact ends.

And of course, she wants you to just shut up about it and "get over it." I find it puzzling that all these people keep saying you are being "unreasonable." [and that you happen to be there when they do] Why do you think that is? Do YOU believe you are unreasonable to object to continued contact between WW and OM? I find that all very odd.