This is all so new to me,

I exposed the affair, as far as I know it was an EA
He seems to be acting a bit more normal and accepting my meeting his EN instead of rejecting them. I'm thinking it may be overwith, but I am still watching as it has only been a few days. I'm working hard on no LB.

Well, I had his favorite storebought cookies in the cupboard for work lunches. I knew he wasn't going to work today so I let the kids eat the rest since I hadn't gotten to the grocery store for their cookies. What I didn't know was he needed to take a lunch today for his day diving with the guy I exposed him to. (A wise and godly man) He looked for the cookies and they weren't there. Later he said "I thought you got those cookies for me". I knew this was a LB and I just was not prepared for it.

THEN, day before yesterday he expressed displeasure because there was no bottled water in the fridge cold. So yesterday I put some in for him. He saw me do it, but forgot. So this morning before he left for his trip he went to the store to get himself some cold bottled water. When I mentioned did he see the water in there for him, he said he didn't look because he looked day before yesterday and it wasn't there so he went all the way to the store for it.

and so then he was irritated and I was upset, because this is one of the things I know to be important to him.

UPDATE: he just called and asked about the weekend and we were invited to a friends house, I said NO thank you I want to be just you and me (I arranged for all 5 kids to be away this weekend so we can spend time together), I said I was sorry about the cookies, he explained how it was irritating that if he had known about the cookies he would have got them at the store when he got the water. I explained why I let the cookies get eaten, that I didn't know he needed them for lunch today and that I was upset about it because I was trying so very hard to do the things I know please him and avoid the things that irritate him.

So, I'm still upset but I think its oK. I will make homemade cookies for him today.

This part is so difficult because I am sure he is not out of denial and I think its over, but because he's in denial he's not acting transparently but he is acting differently than he was before I exposed him and while it was still going on. Now THAT was some bizarre behavior.

I'm confused and not sure what else I should be doing at this point.

am I even on the right track?

Whattagirl, I wish I could help you out here.... My H and I talked about his PA of last fall about a month ago. Since that point (and before I was making some changes) I have been full swing on changing me for the better. I have been doing all I can to meet his EN's now that I know what they are. I have actually been learning tons about myself as well and, I think, I have been making some great positive changes and I feel tons better.

My H, on the other hand, is going through a lot in his head I am guessing. He is in a good mood, in a bad mood, in no mood, acting depressed, acting confused. Some days he is wanting to help me do things to the house and he will pay half, then he doesn't want to do that. Some days he is talkative, others he is stone silent.

One of my H's big EN's is financial security, bills paid on time, having a savings, etc. Well, I was honest with him yesterday about a lot of stuff, I said no secrets, and told him I had a savings at another bank that I put money into every week as a cushion should I need extra money while I start college this fall to pay bills or whatever. I wanted #1 to be honest with him that I had this money, and #2 I wanted him to see how much I have been changing this year that I have been able to put money away and pay bills on time etc. (a big LB on my part throughout most of our marriage, I am terrible with money so I have been working on it for some time now) Well, this morning he acted like he was mad I had that money. Like,how dare I have extra money put away! Now, my H always has money and usually money stashed here and there. I had asked him if he thought I should put the kids school clothes on layaway now and pay weekly on it and we could split the cost. He said maybe he could give me some money towards it.... then he was like, that is all great that you have all that money put aside but I am trying to double up on payments for the house and stuff so I don't have to worry about those bills while I am gone to Iraq for 4 months next year. (mind you, he will still get paid while he is in Iraq and could pay the bills out of that. But he wants to bank the money he gets paid there so when he gets back he can pay off 2 of his loans and then go buy a newer bigger truck.) I bit my tongue but just felt like , geez, I cannot win here. I am paying bills on time and saving money and he acts like he is pissed off about it. Then he keeps telling me he doesn't know what he is doing yet. Maybe he will leave me checks to pay the mortgage while he is gone, maybe he will just pay them ahead.....

The truth is I think what he was saying is he just doesn't know what he is doing yet because he doesn't know what he wants yet. To stay or to leave.... To work on it or to not work on it....

It did bother me but I thought about it and realized he does have a lot on his mind. He is leaving for Iraq in January for 4 months... He is air national guard and does the weekends thing, not full time military. He won't admit it but I am sure he is scared. He could die. There has been a lot of openness and honesty talks going on between the 2 of us in the past month and my H doesn't like to talk or to feel so I am sure that has been hard for him. His PA from last fall was exposed to me and he knows I know and we had to talk about it. Something I am sure he was never planning on telling me about. So, he had probably buried that somewhere inside of him and now it is back out having to be dealt with. Plus, I told him I didn't want him talking to OW from last fall AT ALL and what I thought of her. They are on the fire dept together so I am sure there is at least casual conversation. And he told me he helped her with something at fire school the other night and I said let one of the other 55 firemen there help her, you don't need to.

Just a lot of information and a lot of changes in one month and I have to realize that is going to effect my H's behaviour. I do not know, only he does, when that will change. I cannot control his emotions or whether or not he chooses to work on our marriage. I continue to just work on me and be my best and know the rest will fall into place as it may. I hope it is with my H. Maybe your H is going through the very same things. I do not feel we should have to walk on eggshells here. Be your best you and allow yourself mistakes. One or two LB's are not going to turn him away for good. If it does than it was a lot more than just the 1 or 2 LB's that did it! Take a day at a time and just keep improving on you. We cannot control the decisions our H's make. No matter what. We just hope that our positive changes help to make them want to be a part of a new and healthy life style. That is all you can do. mlhb

wag,

Honestly I don't think that these are lovebusters. In fact, they are a bit petty.

My guess is that other things are bothering him and he is looking to be pissed. Telling you what is really bothering him would mean that he'd have to be vunerable and you know how men hate that.

If his biggest problem is that there are no tollhouse or aquafina in the house you guys have it pretty good. I guess short answer is buy the man his cookies and don't sweat things like this.

God Bless,

Doug

I think you are going to be on a serious path to getting "steamrolled" by him if you are worried about having cookies and bottled water in the house. I think you are tkaing the concept of "lovebusters" way out of proportion.

Lovobusters have to do with starting arguments, nagging, disrespectful judgements, purposefully annoying the Wayward to incite trouble. YOu are probably walking on f-ing egg shells trying to please him to the nth degree. All that will do is make you crazy.

Re-read the concepts. I am not a guru, but I think that while your intentiomns are good, your setting yourself up for aserious dissapointment when he gets "mad" because there is no inc cream left...or something as completely stupid like that.

BOL,

sour.....