I appreciate all the advice.. It has made me do some serious thinking and it has given me needed confidence. Depending how things go this weekend I may just start to pull out the heavy artillery once again. I will keep you posted.

Thanks again...

PS Hotheelz, regarding the involvement of mind-altering substances.. definitely not and there is no sign of it.. She is addicted to Coach...

This is a great post with great ideas but in the grand scheme worthless because I believe that the original poster does NOT have the will here to enforce the consequences. This is not a put down, but just an accurate assessment as I see things TODAY. That can always change, but for now, all of the great ideas in the world are meaningless without the betrayed being able to "sack up" and do what must be done, by ENFORCING BOUNDARIES and CONSEQUENCES.

This has been going on for almost a year right???? DO you think waiting thru the weekend is gonna change anything......FOG, all FOG.........Fog of the Betrayed spouse that is.

Lem

I think I'm getting some "tough love" here... and that's OK I need it.

I have the will to enforce....and I will do it..I should have done it a long time ago... My point is that this particular moment is not the right time and that it will be more effective when I have at least a shred of evidence that something more than a couple phone calls is going on.. Having said that, I know that by our definition (but not WW's however) any form of contact is inappropriate...But I have already made the mistake of setting a fuzzy boundary when I allowed the kids to stay on the team...When I did that, I set up the scenario where contact is inevitable.. To yank them now.. and to boot WW out of the house at a moment when there is no new evidence of anything other than brief phone conversations is not going to have the desired affect... I will yank the kids and set a firm boundary when I get more information of what is really going on.. I may be in denial.. or she may have really "ended it".. I doubt she has..

Please keep posting guys.. I'm getting stronger and I appreciate all the help I can get.

I feel for you here, but mostly on the basis that I think you are generally "clueless"...once again, not meant to be offensive to you. A few "inappopropiate" phone calls between two people that have destroyed a family is so much more than you think. You see, with infidelity, Contact as is going on in your situation is jusy as harmful as a full fledged sexual affair....this is like saying that someone is just "a little pregnant".....come on dude, your eating retard sandwhiches if you think this.

For the record, I don't have the answers for you, but I do now that you are in a serious case of denial, and the scenarios that you have set up in the past have led you to where you are today.....right now, when you continue to sit on the sidelines and "wait it out" and wait for more "damning evidence"...you are enabling the affair.

I think you are going to have to show your children tough love and yank them from the swim team....the benefit that the swim team gives them that they will lose will be far outweiged by the negative consequences they live with if your marriage ends in divorce, which it WILL if you continue on your current path.

Your WW does not respect you or the family at all.....you can try and spin that any way you want, but them the facts.....I know your scared, but SO WHAT......we are all scared when this happens....you have to do what is right, and do it soon. Rationalizing the right thing away is only cutting yourself at your knees.

I think you are screwed untill you DO SOMETHING to bust up this affair once and for all....The time for "heavy artillery" was months ago...stop the BS and save your family.

LM

Let me get this straight -- you feel you need to wait until the affair gains some more momentum and heats up again before you take action?

Ummm -- does this really (REALLY?) make sense to you?

I bet your kids (if given the choice) would rather have their family then their swim team (as much as I am sure they LOVE their swim team, usually families somehow rank higher on the love scale...)

Is there really no other swim team they can participate on?
Does this preditor really deserve to keep his job? Maybe there are some more families he can wreck.

JDINSD, (Just Do It Now...Stop Deliberating)

Of course, no one here is really in agreement with you waiting. I understand, cause I, myself, did things my own way and got lucky. I lurked instead of posting and by doing so just endured a few weeks more of the nightmare than I otherwise would have. Like me, you will find out someday how shocked your wife is right now that you are letting her continue with this behavior. Every argument you have with her is a sales presentation and you, my web friend, have been sold. You do not owe the scam artist your continued loyalty to promises obtained under false pretenses. But like I said, I understand. I still commend you for being here, posting and for fighting for your marriage.

That being said, where does your strategy take you from here? Are they contacting each other pretty regularly? Are they still meeting for coffee? Have you been keeping tabs on her whereabouts and activities while you are working? Do you expect to find incriminating evidence very shortly? How incriminating does that evidence have to be for you to take action?

Then I hope you will disclose your follow through intentions. We've suggested alternatives but I would like to discuss what YOUR PLAN is after you catch her, again.

Are you considering moving out yourself to avoid the conflict of kicking her out? If so, we will all need some advance notice so we can pull out the 6 x 12's that we keep in a secret warehouse in the midwest for such big time emergencies. They are so large, we don't even let the Texans play with'um anymore cause them thar Texans just end up killin' people. Unlike Yankees, I suppose Texans are just not used to handling large items other than oversized pickup trucks, big ole guns and egos. Last time we allowed Melody to get a hold of a one...she killed a New Yorker, a Michigander and an innocent Canadian and then bludgeoned a couple a poor ole cats because they according to her "needed killin'". Fortunately, she beat the wrap by utilizing the aforementioned "needed killin' defense along with pleading Texan diplomatic immunity both to a federal judge appointed by Dubya. Wouldntchaknow.


OR, Are you considering filing for divorce? Always an option.

Please discuss your thoughts so the experienced people here can assist you.

Mr. Wondering

JDINSD

I'm a former WW and I wish to say a few things. Its not meant to hurt you so pls dont think it is.

You're easy.
I could've played you like jello and used you to do WHATEVER I wanted.

Is THAT plain enough?

THAT is just the way your wife feels about you right now.

She has NO respect for you, or desire to fix the M & family and is concerned for one thing at this time.

ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME

I KNOW ! Because thats what affairs are all about - selfishness.

Even now you are saying I need proof. WHY? CONTACT IS HAPPENING.

What do you wish to do..catch them in your bed?

JDINSD, this is destroying you, your family, and eventually ANY love you have for your wife.

If you dont do anything for yourself then do it for your children.

I do think that if NC is not forthcoming you need to ask her to leave. Pack her clothes up and leave them outside the front door if you have to ...do something.
Ask some of these experts for advice and carry it through, spend some money and ask Steve Harley for advice & a plan.

In a few months the ONLY option you'll want is divorce and then your kids will pay that price as well.
I'm not saying it can be avoided but if you dont fight for your M your kids will know that too. Maybe not today but as they grow older.

Get off the floor & FIGHT. yes you may fail but right now you WILL fail,

Hope you understnad this is not meant to give you pain only my own hard won experience.

JDINSD...

Did you "hear" aussieswife??? I too am a FWW, and EVERYTHING she said in her post is SOOOOOOOOOOOO....TRUE!!! Think we don't know your wife? PUH-LEEEEZE, sadly, WE were your wife!!! Please listen to those who know, before it's too late...

With Great Care & Concern,

MRS. Wondering

I am going to go back to my amazement that the coach is still coach.

The only reason your W might have to have contact with the OM is the swim team. You also say that both you and wife do not want the kids to have to change teams. Get the coach removed!

OK. Even if things work out and you’re WW makes an all out effort of NC. Are you going to skip all meets and competitions? Will you never go to events with the kids and the team? Demanding NC would be comparable to asking a dry alcoholic to attend the Annual Whisky Convention as an observer.

The OM does not sound like a strong character. Recall seeing a post that he is low income, had numerous affairs, has an OW and so on. Once you start getting to him he will move on.

Postings for swim coaches are few and far between. Make a compromise with the board. If they dismiss him their “real” reason will not be divulged and he gets a good recommendation. Let him move on to train Hicksville’s High swim team and hit on the cheerleaders there.

At the moment sounds like your wife is making you the bad guy – the guy who is “forcing” the option of your kid’s having to change team. The truth is that her affair is the cause. The solution is to remove the coach.

I agree with Aussiewife about the no respect. Your wife will never love you if she has no respect for you and while she can wrap you around her fingers.

JD...you have heard from the FWW's..now hear from a BS...When my XW did not call myself and her oldest son while we were in Daytona for a race and she was in Vegas "working"....I knew...I went ape $H!t...she got angry, I was unreasonable, she was working...yada..yada...we fought about my reaction and my anger...she turned it all around on me...and I let it go, denial..so much to the point that in my signature line I said.."I had no idea!!"...cause I did not know who...I was the one never home...!! How is that for denial??? I'm still denying part of it am I not?

So JD...you need to make a call here. "fore Mel gets hold of one of those boards... You're enabling her affair...which I assure you is a PA still. You're allowing yourself to be a porto - potty..available at any time for her to use. Not even a door mat. Why??? You're afraid of her being mad a you?

What happened in my case was har affair ran the course and died..and my marriage continued into a downward spiral...towards it's death. It was horrible. An experience you will not want to endure. Regardless of your love for her she will crush you...

Stand up and do what is right for you or you face a life long regret....

Just wait til ya see my new Texas Uzi, yankeeboy! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

p.s. Mr. Dubya, you are a hoot! ROFL!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Get ready for a rambling posting.. My head is spinning right now. Today I put my foot down and told her she needs to end contact or move out. I also told her I want the kids off the team.

I kept my cool and did my best not to LB.. It was a long day - multiple converations.. I did not budge.

Now that you guys have got me this far I need more help.. Here is where we're at:

- WW claims that it's not ending contact that bothers her, it is the fact that I am attempting to control her every move. She said she won't be my slave. She revolts when being controlled.

--I say I'm not trying to control her.. I just want her to end contact with the coach.

- She reiterated many times that she doesn't love me and just wants to be roomates.. as she says "like we were" before Coach came along.

- She says she won't end contact because as she says "I'm not doing anything wrong.. I ended it!!"

--I asked why she ended it and she said for two reasons.. I had threatened divorce & separation.. and she knew that he is not the right man for her.. Also - he agreed to end it (this time) partly because he was worried about losing his job.

- Says there is no incentive to end contact because she says the "marriage" ended a couple years ago. She admits that we are married "on paper" and that there is a "legal document".. but that is the extent of our marriage.

- Says that she has said all along and she says it now that she doesn't want our kids to grow up without two loving parents.

----I said I don't want that either.. I said I am trying to protect the family and the children.

- She says that by kicking her out shows that I only care about myself..and that I don't care about the well being of the kids and that I certainly don't care about her.

- She says that she is not interested in running to Coach.. She says she doesn't want him or me.

- Says I am treating her like a child. She says that I am WAY too controlling and she felt like a prisoner.. She resents my checking her cell phone records.

- She said "why don't you send out your spies and have me followed so you can see that I am not doing anything wrong?".

What else.. oh yeah.. for a bit (after I told her to start packing) she said she had no where to go. Then she said she would need to find a job and a place to live.

--I said "good idea"..

She kept saying this is not good for the kids.. How could I do this to the kids... I said "I didn't create this mess.. you did... I am trying my best to protect our family and the kids." I explained how this fragile house of cards (our marriage) is about to collapse..She says it already has. I say I want to repair it. She says it's not worth repairing..

--I say I want to repair it and that I think it can be repaired.. but she need to take the first step and end contact.

A little later in the day she realizes that I have no legal grounds to kick her out. She says she's not leaving.. I say then you need to end contact... She says she can end contact if I stop checking & snooping. I say no way.

- She says that there is no way that I will ever trust her so why can't just accept that...

-- I say I can't accept that and I have a need to trust you... I explained that a marriage needs trust and committment.. She says we have neither so what's the point.. Again she wants to be roomates.. She also said she would like to be my friend.. But nothing more.

I bring up the subject of quitting the swim team.. She asks why am I punishing the kids.. I say I am protecting the kids and I don't want them around the scumbag coach.

- A few times I mentioned that it was she who created this mess when she decided to have an affair with the Coach.. She asked if it made me feel better that I was rubbing her face in it.. and I said no.. I was just stating facts.

- Again she says she wants to go back to being roommates.. I tell her that's not a marriage.. She doesn't want a marriage but wants to stay together for the sake of the kids... I say I can't do that.. Marriage means more.. She says .. well kicking me out is not a good way to show you want to rebuild the marriange..

It went on for a couple hours like this.

Bottom line - here I am at the end of the day.. She's not moving out. What do I do now? How do I force the issue?

I told her to take the kids off the team.. She won't do it without more action on my part. I will contact the incoming swim team president.... He happens to be the husband of one of the board members I exposed to .. so he knows about the affair.. I will give him an update and ask for his support in booting the coach from the team.. I will also let him know that my kids are coming off the team whether my wife keeps taking them to practice or not...

I also need to talk to the kids.. I'm not sure what to tell them is the reason for quitting the team. My son especially really loves it.

Advice is welcome.

Thanks guys.

Bottom line - You did something. Good job. You have framed the issue more succinctly for her and let her know that this is unacceptable. You appear to have stood by the my suggested boundary that a loveless marriage and kids exposure to this creep is unacceptable. If your post is accurate your wife seemed to indicate at one time that she didn't want to raise the kids in a loveless marriage as well. Then all I saw was blah, blah, blah. All you get is anger. I think you really have more strength than you realize as your wife is not seeing an attorney and threatening divorce. She will take whatever you say...cause deep down she knows she is wrong.

Your power - WW does not want to divorce...WW does not want a loveless marriage...WW does not want to move out or leave

Everything else is Fogged out BS that the continued contact with Coach is enabling. At the very least you have created conflict within your marriage and your wife is engaged. Conflict is better than withdrawal. She would love to just maintain the status quo and you are not letting her. She will respect that about you one day. Acting respectful of yourself and your boundaries will one day attract her back to you.

Where you go from here I am not certain. Melody and others will be around tonight and tomorrow to guide you. I believe you need to follow through with getting kids off the team. You have bluffed her many times before with the divorce card. You need to follow through with your threat this time. How old are your children again? I also believe you will just keep asking her to move out when and if she maintains contact. Until "no contact" your marriage can not be worked on, but you continue to Plan A.

Lets discuss this some more. I to want to see what others have seen or done this

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

The Wonderings makes several very good points.

Doesn’t it feel good to have done something?

I just want to make a couple of points.

If your kid’s love the team then don’t “ask” the board to support you. DEMAND they fire coach. Like I have said coaching posts are few and far between. Make him move on. That way your kid’s can stay on the team.

Maybe your wife is playing on your inaction. Living together as “roommates” is so out of reality. Look at her threats and seriously consider whether she can enforce them or carry them out. Just as she is probably depending on your unability and unwillingness to enforce your demands force her to either stand by her threats or back down from them.

First off, I would write a letter and send a certified copy to every member on the board. Don't do it in dribs and drabs by having a conversation with the incoming president. Do it right and make sure it has a huge impact. If this is a school related swim team, I would send a copy to the school principal and the superintendent. If it is a privately owned club, I would cc the owner.

This is what OM is most scared of and is hoping that you are so much of a simpering coward that you will continue to help him hide his dirty secret. He is counting on this.

If he is going to have affairs with the married mothers of his swim team, then you would be doing other husbands a favor by notifying the board.

After you expose loverboy, I would go down the list and expose to her parents, friends, etc, if you haven't already.

Secondly, I would go there and withdraw your children's membership, then sit the children down and tell them the truth. Children can deal with the truth much better than they can lies. This is their life, too, and they have a right to know the truth about it. Tell them that the coach is having an affair with their mother and is not a fit adult to be around. He is a sleazy, bad man who is not fit to coach children. He is not a real man.

See, your kids probably suspect something already, but when they see you doing nothing, they will start to doubt their instincts about right and wrong and just assume this is ok to do. That is morally confusing to a child. By standing up to this, you will be demonstrating how a real man acts in these situations. He doesn't tolerate evil in his family, he slays it. He does what it takes to protect his family.

That is your first and best move as I see it. After the chips fall, if that doesn't bust up the affair, I would look into legal seperation.

However, I suspect that this exposure may just ruin the affair by throwing a much needed splash of reality on the affair. [censored] roaches hate it when the light is turned on and this may be just the thing to ruin the affair.

I’ve been thinking of some of the things your wife wants.

Some of these things make no sense at all. Believe me I have tried to look at them with impartial eyes, tried to read between the lines at what you are saying and possibly not saying. Just don’t make sense.

The only reasoning I can do is that she is loosing it. She knows the affair is wrong. She knows what she is doing is immoral. She knows it is the affair that will affect the kids (not missing the swim-team). If leaving you and giving completely up on the marriage was her intention she would find a way. Period. She would find a way to make it financially; she would find a way to have the kids.

Her actions actually contradict the statements of wanting out. They however do scream that she wants something other than you are/were offering her pre-affair.

You must get serious advice here. The only thing I can do is bump your thread up (hehe) and offer my two cents:

Stay firm. IF you make it far enough to start reconciliation it must be from a firm basis. NC and commitment. Any slack you offer will be used by your wife. No matter what your wife offers in exchange stay firm in getting coach fired! If not for yourself then for your kids so they can stay on the team. Don’t forget the compromise I suggested: If coach resigns he will get a glowing recommendation from board.

Prioritize your problems. At the moment if you wife is willing to commit to NC and your Plan A then don’t try to solve all your issues at once. Getting her to acknowledge her blame, getting a sincere apology and so on will come later. It’s OK to lose a few battles as long as you win the war.

A major part in the training of Special Forces troops is decision making. Making the wrong decision is OK as long as you adapt and make the right decision later. What is not OK is taking no decision.

First, congratulations for taking action! Hurray!

I agree about telling the kids the truth. Sure, you can leave out the nasty details. But, I like what Mel said about saying something like "Your mother and Coach were bad because they had an affair. Coach is a bad man that you should not be around. We do not want your mother to be around him anymore either. Unfortunately, I have no other choice but to take you kids off the swim team."

The kids may have actually witnessed their mom and Coach talking inappropriately or acting a little closer than they should or being around each other a little too much. Your kids may have sensed that something wasn't right. They may have wondered why mom smiles and laughs and touches him so much. They may have wondered why she acted like that with Coach but not you.

I agree that you should reinforce their instincts that their mom and Coach's relationship was inappropriate – it was beyond professional or friendship. I also agree that lies are damaging and confusing for kids. Just be truthful, stick to the point, and don't reveal too much detail. Also, allow them to ask questions and then try to answer them as best as you can.

In fact, maybe you could begin the conversation by asking the kids how they feel about the Coach, how they feel about him around mom, and if they feel like their relationship was too friendly. If they indicate that they are already somewhat aware of the issue then all you have to do is simply confirm their instincts. If they have not felt awkward seeing mom and Coach together then explain to them that mom and Coach had inappropriate relations when they were alone together.

Conclude by saying that you are sorry to take the swim team away from them but that it is the best thing to do right now. Let them know that they have other adventures to explore, another swim team, or another sport. Comfort them if they cry or act sad.

Finally, be sure at the end of the conversation to reassure them that everything is going to be okay with the family and the marriage. Make them feel secure. Make them feel safe that you are their dad and you will protect them. Give them a big hug.

I also agree with Bigger that a nice alternative is to get Coach fired.

Regarding the kids and the swimming team. Consider this before pulling them out:

What you want is Coach out of your life.
There are not a lot of openings for swimming team coachers! If fired he will have to chase the jobs.
Once off the team you have NO leverage on board of swimming team. They know of the affair as is and have not fired him. Won't do it with you and the kid's off the team.
You do not want to punish your kid’s for your wife’s affair.

With that in mind IMEDIATELY start the process of having coach removed. Remember the goal is to get him out. Humiliating him, ruining his career and publicly displaying him for what he is would be great bonuses but the main point is to get him out. If you can do that and humiliate him great! Won’t improve your marriage but will make you feel better. If you can get him away also great. Possibly great for your marriage.

Reading your former posts indicates this guy will not stay through adversity. He will move on to greener pastures. He will most likely have to relocate to get another job as coach. Use that weakness.

Threaten the board with a lawsuit for retaining the coach after the affair was known to them. Threaten to tell all the parents. Threaten to expose in such a way that the team will be a laughing stock at all meets. Remember this is a spitting-, below the belt hair-pulling fight. Scream and rant like a lunatic BUT offer them a way out… Offer the board the option of letting the coach resign and that he will get a glowing recommendation IF he is offered a coaching position at least 200 miles away. If he does not accept this then insist he be fired.

Stand firm on this. It’s a rule in business to always negotiate from a position of power. Power is often more perceived than factual. Stand firm to the board, to the wife and to the coach. If all goes the worst way and you are forced to remove your kids from the team you will be able to do so proudly.

Hi JD, how are you hanging on? Again, congratulations on taking action yesterday. You did good to set the boundaries and consequences once and for all. We are all very proud of you. No matter what happens now, you will always know that you did the right thing instead of doing nothing. Way to go trooper! The following message is meant to be sort of a pep-talk for you, JD.

You mentioned in your last post that you want to know how to force the issue of NC when WW won't budge. This quote comes to mind: "Persistence and Determination are Omnipotent." To you, this means, keep on trying! Of course she isn't going to budge! That is why you must use force. Words alone are not going to cut it. You must use force and you must keep on pushing harder and harder until finally you achieve NC. We have all given you suggestions, such as: firing Coach, moving your family to another city, kicking her out until she wakes up and wants to come home and do things your way, or removing your kids from the swim team, etc. If those tactics don't work, then we will all help you brainstorm some more ideas. If those don't work then we all try again. All the while, with each "tough" action you take, each consequence you follow through with, each time you impose a feeling of "discomfort" on her part, she will learn over time that you will not give up or give in. She will eventually wear down and realize that you are stronger because you are in the right and she is in the wrong. Ultimately, you want her to break down and see her mistakes, feel remorse, and you both begin to rebuild the marriage.

It seems that yesterday you took action by having a long discussion about your demands. You set the boundaries and consequences once and for all. Congratulations on standing your ground! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> In the meantime, your WW spent the entire time trying to tear you down and tear your demands apart. I agree with Wonderings about how the conversation went: you stated your case and then bla bla bla bla bla. So true! Hehe.

Regarding your defeated attitude after yesterday's discussion, I believe you would do well to just IGNORE EVERYTHIG SHE SAID. It does not matter what she said, including accusations that you are controlling, selfish and don't care about the kids. From this point forward, nothing she thinks matters or should affect your decisions. Don't bother trying to reason with her or defend your side or change her mind or make her see your point of view. It is all just words anyway. Just ignore her and carry on with your mission. I agree with the other posts that she is just taking advantage of your leeway. I agree with Wonderings that she probably knows you have the upper hand but is hoping she can intimidate you into submission, and she is hoping you will give in like you always do.

In addition, I believe you would do well to simply ignore her demands. She has lost her privilege of making family decisions or of getting what she wants (including having a roommate situation!). Now you are in charge. Just continue on with enforcing NC and Plan A. In short, do not have another conversation like the one you had yesterday. That was her last chance. You've both had your fair share of saying each of your points of view. Now, it is time for one — or both — of you to take action and follow through with your demands.

As you know, living with the way things are right now is not an option. Luckily, since you have caused a conflict yesterday, there is a fork in the road of your journey through time, and you now have the option to go one of two ways. First, let's recap: you both want to stay legally married (so divorce is still not an option at this point), but one of you sees marriage as a loving union of trust, commitment and fulfilling needs, and one of you sees it as a free-for-all roommate setup (in which you foot the bill) merely to keep two parents in one house for the children's sake. Thus, the fork in the road represents who wins this power struggle. Do you want to force her to take your path of loving commitment or do you chose to go down her path and stay married on her free-for-all terms? I am hoping you are leaning toward the first path, your ideal path. Imagine it, you and her and the kids with a newly repaired marriage that is better than ever... what a wonderful picture that would be. Maybe you are standing by the grill cooking burgers while your wife and kids are playing in the backyard. Could your life ever be so beautiful?

If you intend on staying legally married as well as demanding a loving commitment then please realize it may require you to be what some might see as "mean" at first. Remember, it is just temporary. It is what is necessary to reach your goal. What you are trying to do is shock your wife. Give her a jolt that will wake her up. Usually NC will do this automatically. However, first you have to achieve NC, and that is where you are stuck. You must force NC! Of course kicking her out doesn't seem like a good way to rebuild the marriage. Of course it isn't! It is not supposed to be. What it is, however, is a way to wake her up. Then she will come back home, commit to NC, and you can actually begin working on rebuilding the marriage. Taking away your WW's privileges for the time being, such as money, car keys, etc., is meant to snap her back to reality. Similarly, ending swim team will likely make your WW and kids unhappy for a short time. However, it must be done to get Coach out of the picture and ultimately reach your goal. Remember that pretty picture you imagined of you and your wife and kids having a backyard barbeque? Coach isn't there—he is long gone from your memories. How? Because you kicked him out of the picture way back in October of 2005 all by yourself. You stood up and said, "I deserve a great life!" Then you made it happen against all the opposing forces: the swim team board, WW, Coach, insecurities, weaknesses, suffering, and risking losing your WW and kids through taking harsh actions. But, you did it! Come, on JD, you know you want this to be how the story goes! Make it happen!

Doing a couple seemingly "mean" things now is a small price to pay to save your marriage. Is it not true that sometimes a broken nose must be reset at first so that it will heal properly and turn out looking beautiful in the long run? In the end, those tough actions you are going to make over the next few weeks will just be a couple drops in the bucket later on in comparison to all the future happy times, accomplishments, struggles and overcoming obstacles that make up your lifetime journey with your wife and kids that will no doubt the be most rewarding times of your life.

I hope the other followers have some real ideas to offer you as far as what your next steps should be precisely. Maybe step one is to try to get Coach fired and/or remove the kids from the team to help enforce NC. Maybe step two is to take away some of WW's privileges such as money, a roof over her head, etc. to get her to snap back to reality and commit to NC. There must be some other ways to achieve NC as well. I am looking forward to hearing what others have to say.

Keep in mind, JD, that as long as she has occasional contact with Coach, whether PA or not, she cannot snap back to reality and participate in saving your marriage. As long as she defends her right to see him even as a friend, despite having a PA with him currently and/or in the recent past, she will not be able to feel remorse. As long as she is getting away with it this time, there will be a next, whether with some other Coach or any OM. As long as she continues to make you look like the bad guy for protecting the family after she is the one who wrecked it with a PA, then she will not commit to NC, feel remorse or agree to rebuild the marriage. You forcing NC is critical. And time is slipping by. The longer you wait, like the other posts said, the farther away she will get from you in her mind. And at that dreadful point of no return, you may lose your chance to Plan A or Plan B at all. No one can tell you if that turning point will be next year, next month or next week, but once it arrives, D is the only outcome. Don't risk waiting too long to pull out the heavy artillery. Do all you can now while you still have the chance to save your marriage.