Just one point of advice. I set my foot down hard on my wife. I simply told her that it was NC forever from that point forward, or I was gone. She said ok, but continued to contact for four days. I pretended not to know and just acted as if everything was ok. I had done a 180 on EVERY issue she ****** about - including the ones that were phoney, which is what most of them were.

Four days after the ultimatum, she rolled over and did a true NC. She wrote a letter that I approved and it has been downhill ever since. I romanced her. I dated her. I took her dancing. I wrote her love poems. Etc.

One day she told me out of the blue: "We owe everything we have to what you did and who you are." When asked huh? she said: "Because you pee standing up."

'nuf said.

I am mostly over on the recovery portion of this site because that is where we are - in recovery and doing just great. But I had to hoist them up after a month of cake eating and bleeding from every pore to make it happen.

Now I am my wife's hero for sure. The other guy was/is a putz, so it was easier than it might have been.

Thanks so much for sharing this. I will just tell you that yours is a common refrain from wives whose husbands who did not act like pansies. I say this over and over again: women do not respect men they can run over and our love is often very contingent on the respect we feel. Women might react with anger when he takes a stand, but she will soon forget her anger; she won't forget a husband who is too wimpy to respect. There is a disgusted woman behind every wimpy appeaser.

Hey there JSINSD, just checking on you. It has been a couple weeks since you last wrote. We would all love to hear from you.

Hope everything is okay.

Hotheelz

It has indeed been a while... Thanks for your interest. Since the last time I wrote things have settled a bit... You guys will shoot me but my kids are still on the team...but it appears that the extra-curricular contact has really ended. I have been checking through my usual methods and also via a new method that Mr. Wondering suggested.. and everything checks out. There are no more cell phone calls between WW and OM. There is no evidence of another cell phone (believe me I've searched). Her attitude has changed a bit and she is a little warmer towards me.

I went on a week long business trip last week and it was actually nice to get away for a while.. and I was not stressed out about what was happening at home... and I think it is mainly a sign of the recent reduced tension between WW and I. WW and I are looking into buying a home on an outstanding lot although the house requires a tremendous amount of work. I don't know if we'll do it or not (we look at it as an investment).. but it has been nice to be talking about long term goals together.

Things started to change about a month ago.. and it happened essentially after an ultimatum that I gave one evening during a serious LBing arguement about the appropriateness of "just friends".. I ended up giving an ultimatum.. (similar to Larry178)... I hadn't really planned it.. it just sort of slipped out. I started packing a bag to walk out. I didn't really know where I was going.. She was pleading me to stay and kept asking what she would tell the kids.. I said 'tell them the truth.. that Mommy likes Coach better than Daddy and that mommy doesn't respect daddy'...
As I was leaving she said she would end her 'friendship'.. I was so angry at the moment that I left anyway because I didn't beleive her. I ended up going back that night because it seemed kind of silly to walk out when she was agreeing to my terms..

I came back and for the next three weeks she slept on the couch. She had never done this before.. but I saw it as a good sign (withdrawal related) After a few days the cell phone contact (which was already minimal) completely ended.

Her attitude has changed of late and she seems a little like her old self.. When I got back from my trip she was sleeping in the same bed with me and our conversations have been better than anything in the last 9 months. Still no where near SF.. but I will work on that. I'm looking at this like the official start of plan A... I will keep monitoring her activities.. but for some reason I am no longer obsessed with it.

I am new on MB, and i just thought i would make the comment "so, there is light at the end of the tunnel". I am so happy for you and your wife. Me, i am just in the way, way beginning. It gives me some faith to read your post. Thanks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hey King of the House,

Excellent news! I'm so glad you stood your ground long enough for her to see that she was in the wrong. And you walking out was the icing on the cake. Great work, JSINSD! Even though you came back later on, she probably feared the worst during those long hours.

It seems she has finally snapped. Now you just need to make her realize her mistakes and come to feel remorse and beg for your forgiveness and promise it will never happen again. She must come to these revelations on her own, but once she does you will know beyond a doubt how sincere she is about it. Then you will start to feel better too. Welcome to the beginning of a long road of recovery, but one that is worth the effort and will bring you great joy along the way.

Oh yeah, do you know what has become of the OM, Coach Slimeball? Maybe he has moved on to his next victim. How do you feel being the winner, the better man, and fighting for what is rightfully yours? Congratulations, you single-handedly executed a plan, stuck to your guns, and saved your marriage and your family!

Way to go! Happy Plan A-ing!

Hotheelz

P.S. About the investment house, it sounds wonderful to start a long-term endeavor together. Go for it! Although, be weary of the commitment of hard work and things being a mess or broken around the house, and be sure that your wife is truly passionate about home repair and decorating so she will not loose interest or get frustrated with things in disarray. Some women love doing projects, while others love the results. Martha Stewart or Paris Hilton?

perhaps so.. time will tell.


I truly hope it happens.


I just hope there are no setbacks or suprises coming up.

I've been sort of wondering the same thing myself.. Hopefully his next victim is not another married mom on the team.. When I find out what he's up to I will let you know.


I am happier and more at ease I have been in the last 9 months.. but I am also going to keep my guard up .. For now the heat is off and I may have won the battle, but I want to make sure the war is over before I celebrate. From past experience I am smart enough to know that there is still a chance that the A continues and even if not there is still a long way to go until recovery. Thanks again for your support and encouraging words.


LOL! Definitely neither one.. somewhere in the middle.

JSINSD,

Glad to see you back and in the recovery process. Date your wife and win her heart back. Be the husband you wish you were all along. Recovery can be even more challenging than the actual affair...have patience.

Good luck,

Your friend,

Mr. Wondering

Well....JSIND:

I guess, the "heat is off for now".....but sadly, despite your best "hopes".....and I see alot of this in you....when you leave someone (OM in this case) on the ropes and don't finish them off (full blown exposure).....they ususally find a way to get back up......just watch all the horror movies when the villain or the "bad guy" is left for dead, and NOT killed.

The OM will in all likelihood continue his affair with your WIFE, or start an affair with another man's wife.....both of these situations, sadly, you will have played an indirect part in.....For me, that is not something that I could live with...but, that is just me...

Hoping against "setbacks" and "suprises" will be your best chance...."hope" is what you have essentially left this up to....I want to "hope" with you boss, but if it were me, "hope" would not be enough......I'd have to go the extra step....but again, that is just me.

I am sorry in advance that my post will not likely be seen as "supportive" and for the most "confused" even seen as "anti" marriage building.......

Sometimes I wish I could just say, "great" and be as happy as the others above with your "current" situation, but when you leave a predatory man off the hook like you did, I don't want even one other BS to think...or better yet "hope" that they can also get away with this....Ofcourse, I want your marriage to thrive after this, and for you and your wife to go into recovery and never look back....but alas, perhaps, it is just me, and I just "don't get it"....Paradoxically, this post will probably be more beneficial to someone else reading it.


Best of "hope",

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Unfortunately, I must agree with Lem. I cannot figure for the life of me why your kids are still on the swim team after your WW slept with Coach Slime Ball. Your conflict Avoider demeanor will come back to bite you, I am afraid. Your action does not seem consistent with someone who's willing to do whatever it takes to save their M. I think you are more afraid of making your WW mad than doing what's best for your family. I hope I am wrong.

I am happy that things are better for you than before.

Whatever Lem!!!

I had a few weeks myself where all I had was hope. Things progressively got better and my marriage was saved.

I presume Lem had hope at one time and unfortunately things didn't work out for his marriage. Perhaps that explains the differing views above more than not "getting it".

BTW, a long time ago JDINSD did expose Coach to the swim club board...his wife was even on the board before he got her to quit...the board choose to keep it quiet and not to fire or discipline Coach. Yes, he could have jumped up and down and made a bigger stink, but he did not against our advice. I think it sucks the kids are still on the swim team but I believe this is against JD's wishes as well. The kids really love their team and he does not want to punish the kids for his wife's betrayal. Of course, the risk to his marriage and the chance of continued contact and resumed "feelings" will end up hurting the kids much more than pulling them off a swim team ever could. However, that is JD's decision. He is in the situation and hopefully not to fogged out himself to assess the risks and make a mature decision for his own family.

Others reading his thread will see clearly we did not advise him to accept this situation. I even threw him a 2 X 4 on this subject. Why not direct your concerns directly to the lurkers as they should all be advised to post their own stories allowing all of us to guide them properly on the MB principles. I do love the fact Lem, you seemingly have jumped on the MB principles bandwagon.

JD, you may not be out of the woods yet but I am offering support and encouragement for making it this far. Your wife never really wanted to leave you in the first place, she was a cake eater. Like I said, if you keep on giving her the attention you always wish you had then the trend appears to be on upswing and the recovery will proceed and I HOPE love can be restored. This I believe is your ultimate goal and not to save the world from some loser swim coach.

Lemon, hope is a step up for this poster and I congratulate him for making it this far.

JDINSD, again, good luck with your recovery,

Mr. Wondering

Mr:

LOL......it's cool, you don't have to take our obvious disagreement about this situation so personal...trust me boss, my advice and opinions on this situation have NOTHING at all to do with me "trying it this way" and it not working it out for me....I get "it" alright, but I will try and be humble here, because being "right" in this case will eventually be the outcome NOONE wanted...

See, you have predictably misinterprted my post as not having "hope" for JSIND.....or supporting his recovery....you "missed" the boat on this one, but that's ok....I "hope" I am wrong...there is NOTHING that would make me happier for that to be the case.

Once again, I did preface my post by saying some would not see it as "supportive"...for now, lets agree to disagree on the word "support"...we'll see what happens, and both "Hope" I am wrong in my assessment of the situation. It would be my sincere pleasure to be wrong here.

Once again, I suspect my post will be of more value to other posters besides JSIND, but the "intentions" are just the same.


Cheers,


Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mr Wondering:

Truthfully, I think you are an extremely intelligent and thoughful man...I cheer on your recovery with your Former Wayward wife.......you and your Wife's success is indeed inspiring for others with dreams and hopes for the same...

THANK YOU for stating my OPINION in a better suited "supportive" position as quoted above than I said in my previous post.

You made my case without even realizing it...your a better lawyer than I gave you credit for.

I could not have said it better myself... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You gave me "credit". Awesome

BTW...I did realize it.

JD, though we muddied the waters a little above, the consensus is we are both happy you have gotten to where you are today. You can not change the past and nobody does the MB plan perfectly. I certainly didn't. However, we all try to be careful not to tolerate, recommend or advise "our way" over Dr. and/or Mr. Harley's proven methods.

Mr. Wondering

Lem...I applaud your MB success as well. Luv ya!!!