...to when you first found out about the infidelity, is there anything you would have done differently?

Exposed it in the first nanosecond

Well, technically I'm still in the dark about a possible PA - so I don't know <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

My WH told me he was definitely leaving me, but that I could choose when he left 'to make it easier on the kids'.

I decided he should go straight away as we were in the middle of the Easter break and it would give them time to recover before school started.

I'd go back, make him stay longer, and plan A my butt off.

Alph.

Heh.

If I could (and do I wish I could)I would have spied, spied, and spied some more. Then, I would have beat the %$#@ out of OM. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Ah, well, that was mildly theraputic. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I definitely should have put my foot down more forcefully and not let my WW take me for a ride.

What would I change.....

1. I would not be a doormat.
--I accepted from the get go that her A was my fault.
2. I would expose OM also.

3. I would not say "I forgive you" so quickly.

4. I would not take her word for anything.
--I foolishly believed her everytime she said it was over.
5. I would make her move out vs. me.
--I thought I was making a "sacrifice" for our marriage, turns out she was uncomfortable around me....GUILT
6. I would not hang on to any smidgen of hope I somehow found.
--Hell, if she brought me a cup of coffee in the morning I would be walking on air. I read waaaaayyyyy too much into her actions.
7. I would guard my heart from temptation.
--I let my lonliness and self pity lead me into my own A
8. I would set more boundaries...hell, one boundary is more than I set.

I could go on but what-ifs and the like are a bit unhealthy I think. These are ones that have came up before and don't require me to "dig" too much.


God Bless,

Doug

I should have left 2 years ago.

I would have not revealed that I had spy software on her computer, and I would have not screwed up my Plan B so many times....

Now I say both of these things with one caveat...I am beginning to believe that I am going to be better off without this woman (neither WW nor W) in my life. She is a selfish spoiled little child, and will likely never change.

So maybe I did everything just right. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


TM

TM,
way to go man! I believe you are right. I also am starting to believe that I too will be better off. This wasnt our choices but we will come out of this on the other side, wiser and more intune with what makes a relationship successful than we were before.
As far as doing things differently........I would have gathered my evidence before confronting wandering wife. First shred I got ( a sexually explicit text message from OM), I went ballistic and confronted. Only to push them further underground and allow to put me into a purgatory in which I didnt know which way was up or down. I should have kept my mouth shut. I eventually did find out everything I needed to know, but it took so much more time and energy and was much more painful. To this day, I hold resentment towards WW for letting me experience that hell. But, really I guess it is silly on my part to expect honesty from people like her.

I would have exposed the first EA BEFORE it became a PA. I also would not have cussed my FWH out during that time and plan A'd instead of plan S(stupid)

Oh and if I could go back I would have confessed my own A long, long ago. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I would have given him 3 months to end it, apologize, tell me that I meant the world to him.
If he didn't do it...filed for D on his lying a#$.

Can't you tell I'm just a little sick of the crap.
He didn't end it, she did.
He's never apologized.
And just yesterday when he seemed upset and I asked him if he was tired? Nope...headache? nope.... Just don't like me?
Yep I guess.....long way away from I mean the world to him.

Reality for me is this chump is not going to get any better.
So come July 21st...our 15year anniversary, I am changing the name of Petitioner on the paperwork to MINE and I'm taking a drive.

I would not have confronted when I did and instead I would have spied and gathered all my info up front rather than while exposing.

I would have never told WH about spyware on his computer.

I would have never let SIL know *any* info I had found.

I would have never trusted WH's family to help.

I would have talked to an IC first, before I got caught up in exposure-mania.

I would not have told my parents so much.

I would have tried much harder to Practice Patience.


What I think I did right:

Talking to OWH calmly and with just the facts.

When exposing, stated facts and desire to repair my marriage.

Called my best friend instead of WH (or his family, friends, etc) when I needed to get a grip.

Promptly hung up on WH when he had the audacity to compare me to Hitler. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
Bought and READ the book, "Surviving An Affair"

I would have left immediately and moved to SC with my parents...then filed after six months from there. Florida is a no fault state...SUCKS!
I also would have immediatley told his family EVERYTHING before he had the chance to lie to all of them.

Hmmm....I also would have punched STBX in the face. :-)

I exposed very quickly and wish I had left some people out, and put some people in. I wish some of our friends didn't know, but I wish him mother did.

I wish he would have handled things differently. By taking a 2 week leave of absense from work and moving his office before he returned, that was pretty much a dead give away to everyone at work as to what had happened. Before that, they only suspected probably. After this, they knew for sure. I wish they all didn't know. It is so humiliating to me.

I would have:

* exposed WAY sooner to their chain of command....like as soon as I found the video that pretty much clinched the adultery part.

* Actually executed a Plan B

* Listened to fewer lies. I can't believe the HORRIBLE lies I chose to accept. WOW!!

* I would have allowed the divorce to happen back in October rather than allow him to revoke it while going to live with OW. Again.... a DUH moment I have a hard time understanding.

...and while I say I would do these things if I could go back, I also accept that a part of each of these actions led me to where I am today.

My marriage wasn't saved.... but I was.

So maybe it's good I can't change them.

I'd throw the WS out immediately.

GC

i would have waited awhile before confronting wh. i found out and went balistic. my mistake i know better then that now.

For me, it boils down to I wouldn't have been SO emotional, I would have been SMARTER!

I wish I would have gotten him to agree to what I wanted/needed (like health insurance and a clause allowing me to move out of state) while he was still feeling "trapped".

I wish I would have put my foot down about the "friendship" between him and OW (my "friend") when I first started having suspicions.

I wish I would have had way more self-respect from the begining.

I wish I wouldn't have allowed him to emotionally and verbally abuse me.

I wish I wouldn't have allowed him to use my body as an exchange for being nice to me (and yes that did happen, just like that.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

I wish I would have done the great spy work many others have done.

I STILL wish I had a way to open OW's Husband's eyes to the whole thing.

I would have followed my gut instincts and followed through on my feelings that something was wrong while my H, soon to be WH, was on an extended business trip in Singapore. I would have jumped on a plane and Plan A-ed my butt off. We could have had the paid for honeymoon instead of him and OW.

Although, the logistics of it wouldn't have been as easy as that. I did think about doing it but with kids and committments, couldn't make it happen.