Does anyone look at their spouse's differently?
Occaisionally, my W will say I look disapointed in her.
I feel like saying duh. but I am not sure that I am.
Maybe I am, but not purposely. If so, how do I stop?

I know I have done this exact thing. In the begining I did not even realize I was looking at my Wh and thinking boy what a jerk. Or I hate him. I know it showed on my face. I didn't mean it and at time he would ask Is something wrong? I would say no just deep in thought. and think yea about you *******. Now I try not to look at him so much when I think back. I will go outside and sit on the porch alone. Or say I have to go shopping -so I save the times to think when I am alone. When I am alone not watching tv or something I focus my attention on him and let him do all the talking and concentrate on what he is saying. It takes time but you can do it.

Thanks R.

Its nice to know I am not the only one I quess. How do you stop the thoughts in your head? I do this too, and I know it is not helpfull in the long run.

I hope there are some more POV out there.

The "light" that surrounded her went out whe I learned of the (first) A.

When I found out about the other two while she was gone, I had driven to see her on a weekend while she was in a school. The shock of learning about the other two A's was IMMENSE!

I still remember watching her sleep (we were in separate beds...I didn't sleep at all that night) and thinking; "What a f!@#king whore!"

Even after that, I still wanted to work on the M and recover what I THOUGHT we had...sadly, she did not.

When I see her now, she looks tired and is NOWHERE near the beautiful woman I THOUGHT I was married to.

She is really someone else that I don't like at all and don't care to be around anymore...she can't leave for her overseas tour (end of Aug) fast enough.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Wh,
is some of how you see her now, because of the no effort on her part? If she had made an honest effort, would you still see her different?

Hi HnH,

At 8 months past dday... yeah, you probably do look at her that way. With good recovery, that wont last. Work hard and have faith... - Dru

I very much looked at my H differently after the affair. That is a reasonable, rational response to someone who has betrayed you in such a grievous manner. I think your WW is unrealistic to expect anything differently. When you betray someone, that person will look at you differently. And SHOULD.

In the beginning, I felt revulsion and later it turned to feelings of love and respect when his behavior warranted it.

Why would you stop a natural, healthy reaction, hurtnheart? I don't understand. Does she not understand that, of course, you are very disappointed in her. You should be. She should not be protected from the consequences of her actions.

I think so...had she expressed ANY real desire to work on our M and SHOW by action that our M was the most important thing to her, I truly believe that I could have forgiven her and the "views" I previously described would have eventually changed to a more positive one.

I even told her that forgiveness would be there once we repaired the damage...she just had to WORK on our M WITH me...she refused. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

She's WAY too self-absorbed and will probably never change. At least her family knows everything about her and my CLOSE friends are aware of the reasons behind our divorce.

I will not expose her to military administrative justice, but I will not shield her formerly sterling reputation from the tarnish she put upon it.

Thanks Melody, I realize that this is all natural, I just don't want these thoughts or feelings to impede progress.
I don't think she really understands the depth of hurt imposed by her A. But, she also has changed jobs, in MC, has nc almost from dday. and is more loving towards me.

So the effort is there, I just don't want to stall with thoughts that I have shared before. She says some things that just blow me away sometimes, like days of old, but then I think, how can you think that now? Like the A wasn't inappropriat. Maybe it is just her way of dealing.

Thanks for you thoughts, I do appreciate them.


WHnowBS, I understand your position, if my W had not made the effort to work on out M, I would be gone. I felt that 14 years deserved a chance, so I started from there. Like I said to Melody, she has made some changes with the boundries I set, so, until that changes I will continue to do my part.

It still does not make it easier to forget all that has happened going into anniversary weekend, and that is what I am dealing with now. Hope I don't LB.

hurtnheart, I think if you view those feelings as therapeutic, rather than destructive, they won't impede your progress. Those feelings are there for a good reason, they are the natural, healthy reaction of a person who has been wounded. So, I would embrace them with the understanding that as your W rebuilds the damaged trust, and as you heal, your feelings will change. But your feelings are very valid, so please don't dismiss them as inappropriate, my friend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />