Hi. I just found out 2 weeks ago that my wife had a breif affair. I trusted her to take a trip with a single friend and one of her single friends guy friends.The guy friend brought his buddy along(which i didn't know) and bam, affair. i had a bad feeling about the trip and her relationship with her friends for a long time. Her SF has nade several advances towards me over the years and I told my w evey time it happened. My W just blew it off everytime and chalked it up to drinking.Well this SF moved in next to us a few months ago. Since then they have spent a lot of time together. I knew that it would lead to disater but I kept my mouth shut out of trust for my wife of 7 years (together for 14 years). I am kicking myself now. I saw how distructive this SF was and i did nothing to break up the relationship. I convinced myself that since I knew her SF for 10+ years that she would not decieve me. I knew i was in denial but I did nothing. i feel decieved on so many levels. I knew all of these individuals for so long . they all smiled in my face and told me how much they loved me.It feels like 3 people cheated on me.
I confronted my wife and she started to lie.I know her to well for that and within a few moments she started breaking everything down to me. I know I have not been perfect.I started to take her for granted and didn't spend enough time with her over the last few months. I know this played a role and I admitted that to her. we are trying to work it out but I have some issues I can't get past.

1. I don't want her around the SF that I feel faciltated this whole thing. she confided in her SF for 3 months while making me beleive everything was ok.I know it's not her SF fault she cheated but I just can't get past her role in all of this. i have tried to convince my wife that anyone that would go after her spouse is not a friend. she won't respond to that at all.Also,my W cliams that i am not around when in fact I am and she is off at bars and resturants with her SF while I sit at home. they invite me but getting drunk on a Tuesday just does not appeal to me. My W knows that and is using this BS as an excuse.

2. How do i know she won't continue the affair. she only saw the OM 2 times and I confronted her before it went any further. The only access i don't have to her personal stuff is her work email, which I know she used to contact him. should i demand access or will this make matters worse??

3. My w maturity level is way below mine.She is only 6 years younger but I met her young (18 now 29). i thought that somehow she would mature but it seems like her mind is still in hS or college.Drinking during the week, reminiscing with her SF about HS constantly. I get angry and think, GROW UP!! We have traveled all over the world and done plenty of partying. The mutual plan was to settle down and have kids after our last trip inj Nov. I know I can't make her mature but it's destroying the reconciliation process.

4. I feel as though the past week of recon. has been all my work. She agreed to communicate but she has such a hard time dealing with mature situations.She snaps instead of speaking or just goes silent. she just tries to pretend none of this happened.

I really want to try an work it out after 14 years (our 7th anniv. on July 25th). i just can't get past the immature and selfish behavior.
Please help. any comments will do

Ok she is in the FOG -you will hear this alot from others. She is an alien. You need to get into couseling. She needs to write a no contact letter (NC). Now just to let you know here SF means sex. ok not single male friend. BF is best friend. You need to plan A and set a time limit on how long you will plan A. Read everything on this site. Get the books HN/HN and read, get the one surviving an affair. It means by the FOG that they are swept away by the feel good new feelings of an A. It will crash and you can help. Do you know his parents, family do they work toegeterh? Tell everyone what is going on. Bust the A wide open. It makes it harder for everyone to know. Her parents and family should also know. Ask for help from her parents or siblings. Keep reading and take care of you now. Do things to make you happy- riding a bike, go to gym. Do not sit home waiting for her. If you become less available to her she will wonder what YOU are doing. Become better for yourself. I am so sorry you had to come here. If you do not get much response go to General Questions and ask for Wat's help.

Hello,

I am so sorry for you. What a devastating blow for this to happen to you. The above poster makes an excellent point which is that this Affair must be exposed in every way possible.

There is no way the friendship with this so-called friend be allowed to continue and certainly her going to bars drinking with this friend and without you is out of the question. There has to be consequences to her actions. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

It is essential that she immediately get tested for STD's. This is no joke and do not believe that they used protection. It has been shown time and again that they lie about this.

I find what you write very disturbing about her maturity.
The fact that she continued to go to bars in the past leaving you at home and then having a sexual affair with a person she just met on a short trip and putting her marriage at great risk and jeopardy is crazy.

I think counseling is essential. I find it disturbing that there seems to be little remorse and lack of trying according to you and you are doing all of the work. The fact that she still perceives herself in a single high school mode makes me suggest that you convey to her all of the options availiable to you whether to continue the marriage or not. If she is so immature like this then you can probably bet on this that it may happen again in the future.

The bottom line is that there must be no contact with this friend and of course the OM and no more bar hoping. If she refuses then she is giving you a clear message where her priorities are concerning you and your marriage. I cannot imagine you having a good time celebrating your anniversary next week. Again she must get checked for STD's which is the least she can do. Again No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. You must remember this. I wish you luck.

I hope she does not get pregnant with OM child if you were trying to have one she may not be on birth control.

You and I both. If she does she is going to have to deal with om because i'm not sticking around for that drama my friend.They can live happily ever after for all I care. i love her dearly but I care more about me now. I am trying to be 100% commited to recon, but it's difficult.I feel if i put my heart and soul into recon. she will go off and do it again.She showed me how little respect she has for herself when she slept with a stranger after 14 years. I would never do that. I chalk that up to intelligence. I definetly have a plan B to take care of me no matter what happens. i am glad I found this board. it is great for venting.
thank you

Thank you. I don't know the om , i only know his friend. My wife doesn't even really know this creep. they just met on a trip a couple weeks ago. i know my ex friend is single and it's a safe bet that the om is too. He is just a creep that preys on vulnerable married women and probably thinks it makes him cool. it's not worth it to me to contact his family or whatever.I don't know them or him and don't want to. i told him already to stay away. i think he got the message. If not it will get messy if I see him, no doubt.My ex friend and wifes single friend were also told to stay away, period. The wifes family knows. she has six sisters that all know and do not condone what she did. Her parents are clueless and I don't think it would be wise to involve them. they have the same damn communication issues she has so it's piontless to tell them.I think I am understanding that I married a clueless person that never grew up.That's where I stand right now.