I haven't posted for nearly a year but am in a state of total confusion. I just don't know what to do. My H and I have been in recovery for over a year but I just can't seem to get past the affair (that I did). I believe that I truly fell in love with this man (who is also married), and I can't let him go. I do love my husband, but I cant stop thinking about the OM. How do I get past this and how long will it take. I'm at the end of my rope and don't know what to do. My marriage is in the toilet and it's just getting worse. My H says he wants to work it out, but how can I do that when I don't feel passion for him? Please help - I need all the help I can get. I feel like I'm in a downward spiral and I can't get out.

I wish I could help you here. Have you cut all ties to the OM? If not, that might be causing some of your problems. Have you talked to SH? I wish my WW would have. I don't doubt that you have feelings for the OM, but think hard about it, was it really that good, or was it the thrill of an affair? What would life be like with this person every day? You gave the best of yourself to this person and visa-versa, you have to realize that an affair isn't the real world. When you have thoughts of the OM, try and think of what your husband does that brings a smile to your face. Look inside your heart and be honest. Seventy five percent of marriages that begin from an affair ends in divorce. It's based on lies. Could you really trust someone where your whole relationship was built on a lie?

No matter what, it was brave of you to post on here. Obviously you are a good person!!

GTO

Thank you Grove, but right now me an my H are barely speaking and everything we do aggrivates each other. I have as much NC as is possible, yet his W has harassed my so I had to file a complaintg with the police department so that had to be resolved with him, but regardless I still think about him constantly - I just don't know what to do. I have been married for 11 years. I can't just throw that away, but I don't know if there is a future for us. I'm not brave - I just want help.

This is just a question - and not meant to offend you, although I'm sure its inevitable only because I think differently than a lot of people.

How does someone fall in love with someone when they are married to someone else? I don't understand it - after the hell my W has put me through I've never stopped loving her; even though my heart says I need to leave her - I've never even thought of loving someone else in my life...

How do people do it? I don't understand.

Fox,

I wish I could give you an difinitive answer, except that I see that by you signature you have only been married a short time. As time goes on, things get difficult and baggage builds up in a marriage and truthfully, I take a lot of responsibility for my marriages baggage. I didn't address problems as the arose and they became mountains instead of mole hills. As a result, our problems were easier to run away from than to face. Unfortunately, after everything we've been through, it still seems like our problems are insurmountable regardless of LOVE. FYI - love DOESN'T concquer all. I know it seems cinical, but it's true and it takes more to sustain a marriage. I hope you and your W can work it out. Maybe since you haven't been married long, you dont have as much baggage. It just seems hopeless for me right now and I'm trying to find strength. I hope all of you can understand.

I don't know if our M is going to work.

I've put my entire heart out trying to stick through this - but she's basically stomped on every dream and promise we ever made one another by going in a month's time from proclaiming me her "soulmate" and saying she "can't wait to have my children" to acting like I don't exist; like I'm a platonic friend who never shared intimacy with her.

Telling someone you want to be with them forever isn't something you can take back - especially when that other person's biggest aspiration in life was to get married only once - marriage is sacred to me; and she led me to believe it was in her eyes too; then she began running off to guy's houses in the middle of the night and talking with them behind my back - soon after which she threw me to the curb.

I feel like complete crap right now; not just because I know a lot of this was because I was young; she was my first relationship, and I didnt always have the answers to our problems because I was still learning - but I feel robbed not being able to redeem myself when I've completely U-turned as a person..

I feel like a child who just popped out of his mother's womb, only to have her take one look at him and ask the doctor to "push him back in"...

...horribly analogy, I know - but I can't explain how betrayed I feel.

Fox,

I feel for you, really!! My first relationship didn't end well either - it was a learning experience. I sounds to me like your W doesn't know at all what she wants and needs to figure it out fast so as not to put you through more pain. I mean really - why would she marry you and then go out on you - that doesnt make sense.

I hope you can find the strength to realize that this is not your problem - its hers completely and know when to let go - maybe she's not the right person for you.

okay here is a little advise. i'm new to this so stay with me okay. the problems only seem large because you make them seem large. yes you have feelings for the OM but they are a false promise. they will fade with time. you and your h need to discuss the issues and implement a plan to change them. read her needs/his needs. that is a good start. do not have contact with om wife and you know if you wrote an apology letter to her that may help with the harrassment. nobody likes to feel like a fool and she probably does right now. there is no excuse great enough besides physical, mental or drug abuse to destroy 2 families for selfish gain. in time with work your feelings for your husband will return but it takes more focus on your relationship and less on the other man.

Joanna,

Easy for you to say - I've been at this for over a year and it's not getting better. I've written the apology letter and all that - she's just hateful - and I can't really blame her really, but it's time to move on and she won't let me. We live in a small town and its impossible to stay away from each other - our kids go to the same school. Luckily though, I've come clean with the affair to everyone so she can't spread rumors anymore - I've set the record straight, but i'm still waiting for my feeling for the OM to fade - they're just not. Is that because I have true feelings for him or because my marriage is in the toilet?

Most likely both (feelings and a bad marriage situation). This is going to be an unpleasant solution, but maybe you and your husband need a fresh start. Get out of the small town. I've noticed that when my WW and I have left town, things seem a little better. I feel cleaner, and there is no reminders. If you are in a small town, you can't escape the OM and your affair. It's always there.

Please, for your sake and your families, keep trying to work thru this. From your post, you seem like such a wonderful person. Don't let the excitement of an affair outweigh the history and love you have for your husband. Remember who has really been there when you needed someone.

I really wish you the best of "luck". God bless you for posting on here and trying to make it work with your husband!!!! So many of us BS wish our WS's would be so honest!

Have you told your husband what you are going through?

Grove,

Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I don't really feel like a wonderful person now and I haven't for a long time. I have told my husband much of what I feel and he is just angry with me for not wanting to try anymore which just drives me further away. I'm so torn and so unhappy - I just want to run away - how do I keep myself from running away from the pain?

i think your husband needs to be here with you and learn some of the tech that are being taught. he could benift from them as well. no i don't think your marriage is in the toliet. withdrawl from an affair is difficult it is like being addicted to drugs read some of the articles here you will see. and i know that it is easier said then done but it can be done. you just need the right attitude to do it and as long as you are still obsessing over the other man it won't be right. you can move on since you have let the cat out of the bag. it is your choice to move on not the omw. understand. you are keeping your self tied to where you are at not someone else. these are your choices and you can stay there and drown in pity and self dislike or you can swim toward a new future with your husband. a lot of our problems are our own and until we face them and take responsibility for them we never accept them. and its not a blame game. you need to look deep inside your heart and realise you are sinking instead of swimming. you made your peace now start swimming

Joanna,

I have been struggling to swim for so long and have kept my head above water for a year, but I am gradually sinking and losing strength. At what point do I give up and look toward self preservation?

I'm logging off and going to bed but I will check in the morning for responses. Any help is greatly appreciated although I know in many ways I am the bad guy in you books. I hope some part of you can see my point of view. Maybe it can help us both.

BT,

Glad you are smart enough to know you were on the wrong side. As for the OM's W harassing you, while that is not good, can't say you really blame her right? Ok, now her recovery is on her. As long as you are NOT having an EA or EA/PA.

As for your sitch, what are you doing to meet your H's ENs? Do you know what they really are?

Looks like you have a lot of time to pine over the OM. Sounds like you are not keeping busy enough. Attitude and actions like that tire out us BS'. In fact it tends to make us ornery.

So ask yourself, what are you doing to gain back your H's trust? What are you doing to prove to him you are worthy of being in his family?

I am not picking on you. M recovery requires more effort on the Xws part than the BS. Remember the BS did not ask t/b a BS, the WS choose t/b a WS...... then choose to stay as one for a while longer. So becomeing an Xws back to spouse is also a choice and hard work.

L.

L.

first of all i don't see you as a bad guy neither do i see my wh as a bad guy. i see you as human. and humans make mistakes. and i feel that none of us are perfect and to pretent that we are is wrong. but in order to recover from our mistakes we must understand what lead us to them and correct the path. am i making sense. i understand why my wh had his affair or at least what lead to it and have accepted my responsibility for the enviorment that caused it. but what i ahve a hard time with is the fake apologies i keep getting is he really sorry or is it a bandaid. is he sorry cause he did it or that he got caught. i know its hard to accept advise from the other side of the fence but sometime it help to understand the pain that is caused by this stuff. i don't mean to be harsh or judgemental. but it takes 2 to recover and your husband needs to look over the stuff here it would really help him cause i think in some way he is still holding your a against you. he needs to learnto let go and really forgive. the books i have read have help me alot and being here has to. its nice to have people that don't think your nuts for wanting to save your marriage. as far as m wh a i can forgive him if he ever decides to get in the game and off his fence. he says one thing and does another. his head is really bacwards right now. and the ow has a lot to do with it. well i hope this all makes sense

I think you need to look at your marriage and find what was lacking and what led you to have an affair. Seek help in working on those problems you had in your marriage.

My husband and I were separted when I found out about the A. (but half of the A was being commited before he moved out) When I found out and we talked/cried/yelled I was really able to see what was missing in our marriage, how HE felt, what HE needed. I could see that I helped in making that path that led him into wanting someone else. It was a path we both created and HE took that final step that nearly broke me into a million pieces. But, after 19 years of marriage I really wanted to give it another shot and that is where we are now.

I do have a question for you about the man you had an affair with. He is obviously back with his wife and it is very likely that is where he wants to be. I wrote a letter to the other woman and laid down the rules of no contact with my husband and defined to her what no contact meant. She is also married and has much to lose if she does not abide with these rules. That is the only contact I have had with her and I am hoping it will be the last. Anyways, this is just my opinion but an affair is built around lies, sneaking around, hurting the ones you love the most, short moments of contentment, you only see the best out of each other because you only spend short periods of time together. I am sure there is an element of excitement in sneaking away and having a few moments of passion and thinking you connect with this person. Of course it seems like you connect because you are only seeing a small picture of what each other is like, you are only seeing the good side of each other.

How can this be love? It is not based on anything that is honest or real. Btw, I am not slamming you, I am just trying to make sense of the feelings that come about in an affair. All you know is the good side of this man, a man who is now back with his wife.

I would also suggest moving if that is possible, avoiding places that he may be or his wife may be. Try to seek help in your marriage. Maybe it is over, maybe not. I would give it 100% before I called it quits.

Good luck to you, Boss!

Honestly, you can't run away. I can only tell you how I am dealing with this and what I would need. As a BS, I need honestly above all else. I need constant confirmation that my wife does love me. While it is painful, I would rather my wife admit that she is going through a some struggles with missing the relationship she had developed with the OM. I don't think that I want to hear that she misses him, but that she misses the connection that she had developed.

Honestly, I don't think you miss him as much as you miss what ever need it was he was filling in your love bank.

It will pass, if you can stay away from him, you will begin to see things a little more clearly.

I wish you the best of luck. Please consider giving SH a call.

GTO

BT,

To quote Tina Turner, "What has love got to do with it?" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am very serious here. You said
Do you see what I put in bold? You yourself just provided the answer to your issues and questions. What it takes is not "feelings of love" but "acts of love" Love is a verb and I would bet good money you have NOT been 'acting with love toward your H", yet that is what you promised when you married. You did not promise to "feel in love with him", you did not promise to never be attracted to another man, you did promise "to love and protect" your H.

So let's ignore your feelings for OM, let's start with the obvious what are you doing for your H that is loving? Is your home a haven of peace? Are thank you's and respect used frequently? Do you tell him what you like about him? Do you try to help him when he is down? Do you treat him as well as you would treat a friend? If the answer to ANY of these is NO, then I know why you are still having feelings for OM. It is an escape from a painful situation so you escape in your mind to something that it NOT painful.

Try "loving" your H as you prromised. Try changing the dynamics of the situation and acting with GRACE and care and I will bet at first your H will be shocked, then he may pull back and finally he will be wondering "what happened?" Ultimately he will move closer to you to find out what is going on. But, here is what you may not appreciate BT, if you act "loving" often feelings of love will follow. That is after all how most affairs start and it is how most marriage start.

Don't you think it is time to restart your marriage? If so, let's talk about "love" as in the verb "love". That is a choice, and that is why it is in the vows. You can promise to LOVE someone, but you cannot promise to "feel in love" with them.

So let's step back, get to basics, not worry about what you feel for OM right now, and get to work on YOUR marriage. I am willing to bet as your marriage improves your thoughts of OM will diminish. But, recall this, the reason Harley pushes No Contact is because the he KNOWS the feelings don't completely go away ever for many people, so contact is playing with fire.

I don't think you are as far from recovery as you think, but I do think you need to take another look at your marriage and what you promised and then I am sure we can help you make it better.

Your call, I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

God Bless,

JL