My husband's day off was yesterday, and when I came home from work I asked him what he did, he said "Nothing much..." I said "Did you have a good day?" He said "Not really, it sucked" I said "Why did it suck?" He said "I dunno, it just did" I said "Well what happened?" He said "Nothing" I said "Why are you being so cryptic?" He ignored me.

So I went and took a shower, and when I came out I said "I just wanted you to know that I'm not comfortable with not knowing where you were today" He said "Well I'm sorry".

He had said about a week ago, I think I posted about it, that he had a lawyer and $1200 for a retainer. So I said "Did you go see the lawyer?" He said "Yeah" I said "What'd he say?" He said "He said we could get a dissolution" I said "Did you tell him that I wouldn't agree to that?" He said "I told him I didn't know what you'd say" I said "Well you knew I wouldn't go for that, right?" He started yelling and saying "Caren, I tried to do this the easy way, I tried to tell you I wanted a divorce, but you wouldn't listen, now it's gonna get ugly" I said "I told you before that everything I've been doing has been fighting for our family" He said "I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR FAMILY" I said "Well you are my family" I said "I stood up before God and my family and said I'd be with you till death do us part, and neither one of us is dead yet..." He said "Well we may not be dead, but we're parting" I stood up and called for my DD10, I wanted to leave so it didn't escalate. He said "Oh you're not going anywhere" I said "Yes, I am, I'm going to leave for a little while" He said "Give me my housekey" I said "No...I'm not giving you the house key" he said "Yes! You ARE!!!" and he's trying to wrestle my purse out of my hands, and I won't give it to him, and I keep walking from the side door to the back door trying to get out and he keeps getting there first and closing the door so I can't get out. So I go to the phone and picked it up to call the police, and he'd unplugged it, and then I lost my footing and fell to the floor and he was still trying to wrestle my purse away, and then DD10 came out screaming at him saying "STOP IT" so that snapped him back into reality and I walked out the door with DD10. I went and made 2 copies of the house key, took back a video, and then I got DD10 some McDonalds" I had to come back because my work clothes and basically my LIFE is still at this house, so I came back threw my clothes in the washer and sat and waited for them to get done. He said the lawyer said I will have to leave the house. I said "I think you'll have to get me evicted through the courts" He said "MY LAWYER SAID YOU DON'T HAVE A F-ING LEG TO STAND ON, YOU HAVE TO GET OUT, MY LANDLORD WILL HAVE THE POLICE OVER HERE AND HAVE YOU REMOVED FROM THE PROPERTY" I said "I don't think that's how it works, and did your lawyer also advise you to try to wrestle the house key away from me?" He said "No...."

I said "Well Mark, I love you...and I'm not giving up our family that easy. You're doing things that you can't un-do, I just want you to know that" He said "What do you mean?" I said "Just what I said....Make sure this is what you want, because you're doing things that can't be undone" He said "What?!?! You think I'm going to want you BACK?!?!" I said "Well you did before...." He said "Yeah well now I don't want you" I said "So you've said". I said "well I'm going to leave and go to my Mom's for a while" He said "Are you going to STAY there?" I said "No" He said "You need to just stay there" So I went and talked to my Mom, told her everything, it was way to late to talk to a lawyer, so I just talked to her, asked my sister for her lawyer's name, because although I don't want the divorce, if it's going to happen I don't want to get hosed.

About 11:00 pm, I came back home, threw my laundry into the dryer, and he said "What are you doing?" I said "Nothing" He said "Why didn't you stay at your Mom's?" I said "I told you I couldn't..." He said "WHY?!?" I said "Because I'm 37 years old, I'm an adult, and my parents are in their 70's and they don't want me there..." He started naming other people I could live with" I said "I'm done talking about this" I said "So, short of you paying for someplace for me to live, or me living in my car...I'm staying here" He said "NO YOU'RE NOT" I said "Well I don't know what to tell you" He said "We're getting Divorced and I'M NOT leaving IT'S MY HOUSE"

So I put fresh sheets on the double bed in the kids room and slept in there with DD10, because she really didn't want to come back to the house, she was scared, so I slept in the room with her last night.

This morning when he woke up he opened the bedroom door, and looked in, but didn't say anything, then dogs came in and both of them layed by the bed, and I stayed in there until he got in the shower, then I came out, and he left.

Oh he'd also taken the emotional needs questionnaire's that were in the bedroom and thrown them all over the living room, so I picked those up after he left and put them away. He also turned a wedding picture that is on a shelf in the bedroom face down, so I fixed that.

So What the hell do I do now?? I called this lawyer, but they're not in their office today.

He says they're gonna serve me at work...he thinks today, but that seems a little quick, but who knows. He only has the 1200, and I think the lawyer's rate is probably close to 125 an hour, so that's only going to cover 10 hours of his time.

*UGH*

-Caren

oh Caren I am SO SORRY for what you are going through. Wow I know how you feel- and it sucks. I have been semi following your posts and I am yet to figure out what happened with your WH that turned him back to wanting out.

I feel for you {{{{{Caren}}}}} I wish I had something helpful to say but I really do not.

This is why he is angry Caren. He doesnt have the money to do this, and you wont help him just end it.

My money is on the fact that he is either in withdrawal big time, or he is back in contact with OW. I am not going to say I told you so, but I do want you to understand that by not sticking to your Plan B, and by not having a clear recvoery plan together and agreed upon by him, your recovery was going to be hampered from the start. I did the same thing, because I was just happy she was coming home and ending it. But guess what? The recovery didnt last too long and then she went back to talking to and seeing the OM.

These plans are in place for a reason. If you are in Plan A, then follow it. If you are in Plan B, then follow it. If it is time for recovery, then there is a plan for that also. To deviate from that is to invite exactly what has happened here

Now, the issue here is that your husband is in extreme pain and I am not sure what his response will be. He basically physically assaulted you agin thru his actions with the key and purse. According to the law, you could have him arrested and evicted out of the house.

At the very least, he cannot put you out. You live there. It doesnt matter if your name is not on the lease.

So, you have a couple of choices. If this is a dangerous situation, you must tell him under no uncertain terms that any more physical violence will be met with the police. If it isnt, then I would just sit back and let him keep stomping around like a child. Even if he did do the paperwork, you all dont have the money to continue a protracted legal fight. So, you can just slow it down to where it isnt even moving.

Time is on your side Caren (except if this is a violent situation...you must determine if that is so). I would just get on message, tell him that the two of you must see a counselor, must have a plan for recovery. Without that, you two will continue to go round and round.

In His arms.

Thanks KMEJ, I've gotta go to work now, I'll log back on when I get home tonight.

I'm okay, it hurts, but I am alot better equipped to handle it then I was a year ago.

I'm sorta sick to my stomach, but I think that's probably just nerves.

-Caren

Mortar-

Yeah, he doesn't want to hear any MC talk. He didn't really "Assault" me...he just had a hold of my purse....I know I could have had him arrested, but I didn't feel like I was in any danger, and I still don't.

I know that we don't have the money to carry out a protracted fight, that's what I'm banking on. I don't know maybe he got the 1200 from the OW...who knows...but even she doesn't have the funds to bankroll this.

-Caren

Caren,

Hang in there girl.

IMO you need to see a lawyer and see what the situation is regarding legal aid. You need to be informed what your rights are. I appreciate your stubborness regarding trying to save the marriage but I am concerned your WH is going to walk all over you if your not careful.

When things are ugly like this, everyone of your moves can come back to haunt you in court if it comes to that. A wrong move and you could lose DD. That's what is at stake here.

He's seen a lawyer, you need to see one at least so your not in the dark on what your and his rights are. He doesn't need to know but you do. So try to keep your cool, avoid your WH, and go see a lawyer and don't let him make you move out until you have consulted a lawyer.

Hang in there. This is ugly but how you handle yourself is very important right now. Don't let him bait you into doing something you would regret.

Good luck,

Miker

Weren't the Ohio laws posted somewhere on Gramn's thread?

I don't think it would be legal for him not provide a home for his child. So since you have custody, I suppose the law supports you in staying there....

I dunno, where do I look up the Ohio laws??

I usually just skim Gramn's thread, read his updates...etc, it's awfully long.

I'm not moving out, I can tell you that much, and I would like to contest the D if at all possible, I want to grind it to a halt.

I know he's mad, and all fired up with the info that the attorney gave him, he feels all empowered or whatever....so I'm just steering clear. I'm going to be home, but if it get's to live, I'll just take off for a few and let things cool off.

He's throwing a T-total fit that I'm not cooperating with him, he was seriously entertaining the idea of a dissolution....has he gone brain dead??

-Caren

Caren....I know how hard this is and how awful you must feel. But from my perspective I think it is time for you to let go. Reread Dr Dobson's Love must be Tough. This man hasn't shown you any love or respect for some time now. I know that you may a vow before God, and so did I. But God never intended us to be repeatedly hurt while we stayed faithful and loving. It is past you wanting to save the marriage. You and I both know that if th other partner is not invested and had lost their love, that no matter how hard we try...it's just not going to happen. I have been doing everything I can to make my husband see how much I love him....it doesn't matter what I do...it isn't good enough and he blames me for his unhappiness. The purpose of marriage in my opinion is to enhance anothers life that is already rich and good. Your husband and my husband are mad at the world. Maybe they think they have been given a raw deal, but its not our problem to solve. What is the big deal if you move out? You are renting so he can't "take" the house from you. So what if youre 37...you should be able to stay at your Mom's until you find an apartment. I know the discussion previously was about money and how you could afford to do things without his support, and I'm not sure if that has changed much.

There is a time when some of us must face the hurtful truth that the person we thought we were going to spend the rest of our life with....doesn't want that anymore, and we CAN NOT FORCE SOMEONE TO LOVE US!!! The harder you and I try the harder they fight it. Let go and believe that you fought the good fight.

I also wanted to know what your conversation was with your DD10 after she witnessed the fight?

She sorta shuts down, she really didn't have much to say, she just really doesn't want to be around the fighting, and I can't blame her. I am flat refusing to fight with him, he's going to be fighting alone.

I'm not trying to *force* him to love me, I just believe that deep down in there that he does. I'm not forcing the issue, but I can't let go....not this easily.

It's just not in me to give up like that, I'll fight until I can't fight anymore....that's just the way I'm built, and it doesn't make sense to most people, but I have prayed about this at length, and I do have to admit, I've been skipping church in favor of sleeping in, but that's about to change, I'm going to start attending ever Sunday, and possibly get into some more church activities to occupy my time while this is going on.

I am not going to sit home bemoaning my fate, tried that...didn't work.

I am going to just continue with my life, take the kids to do things, and try to be happy in the midst of all this.

I think that is what God wants me to do.....for me to take care of me, and still be loving towards my H, but I'm leaving the fixing of my H to Him.

-Caren

Hi Caren,

Just thought I would check in on you and I am sorry things are still chaotic.

I agree with Homer though.You have been at this some time now and I do appreciate your stand on your vows and your belief that somewhere inside your former H stil lloves you.

But,you have reached a point IMO only,that you should either get into a SOLID Plan B,again,or file for a legal separation.What is going on at home is unhealthy and unsafe not to mention inappropriate for your DD.When I read some of your posts where your DD is around witnessing all this,like homer mentioned,my skin crawls.

As in Kandi's situation I do not see your marriage being protected nor do I really feel there is a marriage to be saved,not as is.You have been through a lot of turmoil and I really sympathize with how hard this all has been but it's another scenario I see that could be avoided.You are knee deep in it and it's not only NOT solving anything but you are risking your own health with that of your DD.

The time has long passed where you should have made your WH the responsible party to getting the marriage worked on and a healthy life at home implemented.He's not doing diddly and you keep going back into the quagmire.

I would just like to say that if I were in your shoes,I would be looking at ways to distance myself from my WH and try to garner some peace and respect back in my life.I think you really deserve it and like Kandi,I hope you get to "that place" where it matters most.For you and for your DD.

{{CAREN}}

O

Well I don't know how to implement a Plan B, mostly because I can't go moving out, not before talking to a lawyer. I have an appointment Tuesday @ 4pm, so I'm not doing anything until then.

I think I could do a plan B now, I'm much stronger than I have ever been in my life.....it's just the logistics that I'm having difficulty with.

-Caren

Caren,

I'm sorry about your situation. Thinking of you and DD10.

Alph.

Thanks for your thoughts. They are appreciated.

-Caren

Whelp, haven't talked to the husband all day. I haven't called him, and I haven't been home, and the caller ID only has 2 calls....neither of which were him.

I am taking DD10 to the dollar movies with my friend and her daughter, and then she wants to spend the night at my friends house.

I left a note on the door that simply says: There's a sub and some iced tea in the fridge for you.
-Caren

I didn't explain where I'd be, or what I was doing....I don't even know if he'll come straight home or not....who knows, all I do know is I won't be here to find out.

I will come home after the movies....don't know what I'll come home to though.

I cleaned the house, did the dishes, did the laundry, even made the bed I DIDN'T sleep in.

*sigh*

-Caren

Logistics are just that, logistics. If you are strong I am sure you'll find a way through the logistics. Just keep focus on what you want to achieve and take steps one at a time towards achieving it. It'll all come together.

Being strong is the tough part. Don't be scared to lean on some others for help with the logistics. Its hard to do it all alone!

Miker

Caren,

Go find out your rights. You have a child and he is not a good custoidial parent. Therefore, the right t/b in the house w/b more in your favor.

Now stop trying to stay married to a WS and work on keeping yourself safe and watch for signs of your H's return (not the WS, your H).

You really need to reverse babble more dear. He will file and he does things on a whim but you know a WS does not have the endurance a BS does.

You have been down this path before, it is another sick trip but you know the ropes. So you won't crash.

Now go shore up your rights and go file what you need with the women's abuse shelter for support. Whether you realize it or not you were abused. Stop making excuses for the WS. When I saw that the Sherrif's deputies took my WS in for what appeared to be a small shove and charged him with domestic violence, I can see how most of us take waaay too much abuse before we even think of saying much less do anything.

You are a resourceful gal, stop waiting for your WS to turn around. He isn't ready and wants to push your buttons. Stop showing him where they are.

L.

There are a ton of sites on teh web if you type in google "ohio family code" or Ohio family law...

You NEED to find out your rights caren and stop arguing with him about this...you two are acting like 18 year olds...turning pictures around? and you enabling him has to stop...You clean for him leave him notes about what to eat and if he needs anything...you stop by his work and ask if he needs anything...STOP doing that...he is a grown man, he can take care of himself...so let him...

Now, educate yourself on YOUR rights...Ohio is a no fault state, but you get alimony and ther is also leagal seperation in Ohio...

I just went to google and typed in ohio family laws and got millions of results...

I remember OG used to tel me to get a divorce and also many others...she was right caren...some marriages cannot be saved...I think yours is one of them...

You have got to start educating yourself...once I filed for Divorce, my H was served within two days...it does not take long...

Orchid-

You are right, I've been dealing with a WS not my H....all this time.

I do see glimpses of him sometimes, and I guess that's what keeps me going.

I am calm, I'm not being irrational, and he appears to be responding to that, he's acting like a human today.

When I went to the movies last night, didn't get home until 11:30, and didn't bring DD10 home with me.....he said "Where have you been?" I said "Just running around" He said "Where is DD10?" I said "Spending the night with my friend" He said "Why hasn't she called me all day?" I said "I don't know" (I always remind her to call her Dad, but why exactly am I supposed to be taking his feelings into account...he doesn't take mine into account....so I didn't remind her. I didn't tell her not to, I just didn't remind her). Well that hurts his feelings, and when I called her to say "Goodnight, I love you , God Bless You" as is our nightly ritual, she didn't ask to speak to her Dad, so since he was sitting here, I said "Do you want to tell Daddy Goodnight?" she said "Yeah" So he talked to her for a few minutes...asked her why she hadn't called...etc. etc.

Then I layed down on the couch to watch TV and dosed off and he said "So how was the movie?" (So DD10 must have told him what we did, which is fine, but I wasn't offering the information) I said "What?" (Because I'd fallen asleep) He said "What movie did you go to see?" I said "Ummmmm, o crap, Ummmm sheesh I'm so sleepy...ummmm "Monster in law" that's what it was."

Then he got up and asked if I wanted the TV on, I said "Nope" and he went to bed and I fell back asleep on the couch.

This morning he said "Caren, please have DD10 call me today" I said "Okay" Then he said "What are you going to be doing today?" I said "I dunno, haven't decided yet".

I think I need to figure out a way to be in Plan B......he was visably irritated to not know where I was last night, and I didn't call him or drive by his work, not even one time. I didn't even wonder, I just had my mind set on what I was going to do.....what could I do that would be fun that didn't need to include him.

I'm going to do something fun today, not sure what yet, but something. Maybe I'll take DD10 swimming at my friends pool.

I don't think I want to go the battered woman route, mostly because I'm not a battered woman....I have been the batterer 1000 more times than he's been physical with me.

I'm in a good place now. I was a little sad yesterday, but today I feel very sure of myself, and I have God to credit for that. I prayed and told him that I just needed some peace to get me through this, just peace in my heart, and that I would let him handle my husband.

And that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to be Caren, and do what Caren wants to do.

I'm going to see a lawyer, find out my rights, possibly get some temporary orders such as custody and use of the marital residence.

I feel unusually good, very confident, I'm not remotely scared about him filing now.

I don't want the WS anymore........and if my H ever comes back to his senses, then we'll see what happens.

-Caren

Caren,

You can find out your rights even before you go to a lawyer, Listen to MF4M, she even checked out the website in your state. I did the same and even went to the local family court just to see the process. Most states and counties have assisted and free services. They require some work (like meetings, reading and filling out paperwork) but sometimes legal aides help answer questions and may even help you fill out the paperwork. Most lawyers will give 1 hour free counseling, so take advantage of this service but use it wisely. Prepare your questions ahead of time. Do your online homework 1st.

As for your D, if the WS wants to speak with his D, he needs to call. You shouldn't be his intermediary. See right there you are enabling him and he is diliberately using you.

Know when he is doing this and nip it in the bud. Know that he w/b irriated but it is his irriation not yours as long as YOU are not REALLYdoing anything to irritate him. Remember he will blame you for things that are not your fault, don't take the blame and don't defend yourself, just give him back his problem.

Example:

WS: Tell D to call me.

BS: (assume he knows the ph#). Yes, you should call her.

WS: (looks bewildered).

Take your cue from this and escape before he starts babbling again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

L.